I loved her but had to walk away ... How do I let go?

[Lolaloo]

Hi,  about a month ago I walked away from a 2 year relationship with someone who  treated me really badly... .It has been so hard to leave. Although my legs have done the walking away,  my mind is still in conflict. It felt like I was going out with 2 people... .like Jekyll and Hyde. I remember wishing and praying that the nice version would come back... .And when the nice version did come back I was always nervous. I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach which told me to watch out as I never would know when the nasty version would come back again!

The good times were getting less and the nasty/cruel side was getting more and more. I was being regularly let down, hurt finished with, ignored and as my friends would tell me abused.


 I do not know if she had BPD as she hasn't had any diagnosis. It is so hard for me to understand as I just kept trying to think in a logical way and assumed that if I showed her love then it would all come right... I hoped that she would be the nice version and not nasty version.

 I guess I am trying to gain some clarity as to whether it sounds like BPD.
I also want to know how to let go... .I assume as she isn't getting treatment and doesn't accept that she has an issue it would be better for me to just mentally let go once and for all... .but my fantasy head keeps saying to me that is I said to her that she had BPD maybe she would get treatment, stop abusing me and that we could live happily ever after! Am I mad?

Anyway in order to get some clarity on whether she had BPD I have listed a few of the things that have happened over the 2 years

- she told me initially that I wouldn't like her when she was angry and that she had rage attacks. She said that she felt like their was lava running beneath her skin

- she started raging at me after about 6 months. Out the blue she started using words to annihilate me... .She twisted things I had told her. I remember feeling like I was being shot with bullets... .so hurtful and yet she didn't seem to care that I was really destroyed by her

- she used to have road rage and so I started to offer to drive as she would get so angry that it made me feel uncomfortable

- she accused her boss of being rubbish and useless at her job and left. I helped her find another job and then same thing happened and she fell out with that boss saying he also was rubbish at his job too and didn't help her enough... .I started to see a pattern that it was always other peoples fault and not hers. She ended up leaving that job too and being unemployed

- she used to talk to me as if I was a child and she was a critical parent... .It felt really demeaning. She would say that my behaviour wasn't acceptable when I tried to defend myself. Then she would storm off an do the silent treatment on me for days... .It was soo painful!  I was in agony and she didn't seem to care at all that I was in pain. I was given the silent treatment SO MANY TIMES I can't remember how often. I just used to try and focus on my life at those times but it REALLY hurt

-  I took her away on trips and she would blow up when we got there and ignore me and go off for hours... .On my first birthday weekend that we spent together she ended up locking herself in the small toilet for hours and when came out and I tried to talk to her she screamed at me

- I felt that she was trying to punish me and hurt me and seemed to actually be getting pleasure out of it... .The only word that seems to fit to describe it is sadistic... .I have never met anyone who seemed to have glee when they saw me hurting and in pain

- towards the end she was getting more irrational ... .started accusing me of seeing other women... .absolutely and totally unwarranted. I am 100% loyal and it is my top value which she knew so it made no sense at all

- on one occasion I set a boundary with her and she flipped and ended it with me. Then she contacted a friends of mine, my mother and my sister and even someone she wrongly assumed was an ex of mine and started trying to get them all on her side... .It was crazy. She was calling me a narcissist (her mother is one) and projecting it all onto me that I was an abuser! I have never been told this by anyone. My friends and family say I am very tolerant and if anything too tolerant and in no way abusive... .

Anyway, I wanted to share all the above as feel like I have been going mad.
I wondered:
1) does it sound like BPD
2) in my fantasy I would go back to her and tell her she has BPD and ask her to get treatment and then would stick by her and support her so we would live happily ever after... .is this realistic?
3) If number 2) is not realistic, how do I emotionally let go of someone who appeared to be 2 people... .one so loving and nurturing that I would have married her and the other so sadistic and cruel that I have never experienced anything like it before
4) How do I learn what it is I need to do to heal as if it is not possible to be with this person, I accept that I must have my own issues to put up with someone who was abusive to me

Thank you in advance for any thoughts and for listening to me... .I just wish I wasn't in all this pain and that I could walk away and have belief in myself

[In a bad way]

           It felt like I was going out with 2 people... .like Jekyll and Hyde. I remember wishing and praying that the nice version would come back... .And when the nice version did come back I was always nervous. I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach which told me to watch out as I never would know when the nasty version would come back again!                       

This is exactly how I was, the nasty version could appear any second even if she was laughing and having a good time. And I mean any second.

      The good times were getting less and the nasty/cruel side was getting more and more. I was being regularly let down, hurt finished with, ignored and as my friends would tell me abused.               

Again exactly the same.

      it would be better for me to just mentally let go once and for all... .but my fantasy head keeps saying to me that is I said to her that she had BPD maybe she would get treatment, stop abusing me and that we could live happily ever after! Am I mad?             

No you are not mad, it's called true love, something they don't understand.

      - she started raging at me after about 6 months. Out the blue she started using words to annihilate me... .She twisted things I had told her. I remember feeling like I was being shot with bullets... .so hurtful and yet she didn't seem to care that I was really destroyed by her                 

Yes the same here except it was 4 months.

Just trying to let you know you are not on your own, there is a lot more of what you said that I can totally relate to.

  - I felt that she was trying to punish me and hurt me and seemed to actually be getting pleasure out of it... .The only word that seems to fit to describe it is sadistic... .I have never met anyone who seemed to have glee when they saw me hurting and in pain     

I felt the same way.
Your post is weird because it it so close to how my situation was.

[Lolaloo]

Thank you so much for your reply In a bad way. I am really grateful just to know that I am not going mad. It sounds like you have gone through really similar! Do you know if the person you were with had Borderline as this is what I am trying to fathom out. And if they do have BPD is it mad to think it could all get treated by a therapist and we could live happily ever after?... .I wish I knew the answers but heh ho.

I can tell just by your name 'In a bad way' that you must be feeling rough. My heart goes out to you as it is soo darn confusing this stuff!  How can one person be 2 people... .and is the real person  both the kind loving one and the nasty one... .I guess they must be... .
 

[blueblue12]

Lolaloo,
Sadly you will find that you are correct, the features and the actions are in line with what most of us and I dare say all of us have endured in our relationships. The relationships go through these up and downs scenari and at the end you can't do anything about it, as much as you try. I have been through one recycle. And after reading lots here when it happened I could see it clearly, it was an obvious cry for help to get me back then settle into the old ex quickly enough. I am convinced it was an unhealthy recycle, at the time though I thought this just might be the change I wanted, and she was beautiful for a day! but... .no, it didn't go that way. Definite recycle for someone that I guess honestly missed me and needed me back for a short time again just to feel at ease of her abandonement life fears. Trouble is how much can one do? How much can one put up with? Am I the rescuer for life? It's not really fair or a good scenario... .at the end it all end in tears, NC is the best path forward as much as that hurst... .

[JohnLove]

Hello aloo, I'm sorry but that behaviour is pretty disgusting and absolutely intolerable for a partner. You have already endured (maybe due to your too tolerant disposition?) so much abuse that it has damaged you.

Narrcissism is a significant component of BPD. If her Mother is a narcissist, that is not good.

Is it just me or have others noticed that the 2 year point is about the maximum length a BPD relationship lasts?

[Aesir]

You went through a almost mirror image of what I did. I even asked her why did she want to hurt me? Do you like it? Does it make you feel better? She didn't reply.

[bengaltropicat]

Actions speak louder than words.
The only positive thing you can do is NO CONTACT.
Get off the crazy train or it won't end well.

[Lolaloo]

Hi Raul, thank you for clarifying for me that it sounds like she was suffering from BPD. I think somehow if I know that then it helps as it wasn't just me going completely mad!

Johnlove, I didn't realise that narcissism is also linked to BPD but it would make real sense... .

Aesir, thanks for sharing that it sounds really similar... .how did you manage to get away and be able to let go emotionally? I might have walked but my heart and mind is still not letting go completely... .

Bengaltropocat - good point re actions speaking louder than words. As for the no contact, she has been sening e-mails every few days since I left her house a month ago... .The e-mails have gone from angry abusive ones to kind ones etc... .I have replied to a couple but have been hoping she would say that she wanted to get back with me and I know she has too much pride or is it shame to admit that... .My fantasy is that if she said she wanted me back, I could then ask her to go fro treatment for BPD and it would all get sorted... .Is that a pie in the sky crazy idea?

[OptimusRhyme]

My fantasy is that if she said she wanted me back, I could then ask her to go fro treatment for BPD and it would all get sorted... .Is that a pie in the sky crazy idea?

From what I've gathered from these boards and stories, yes. Others will have a lot more insight and data, but the consistent theme I've heard is that successful BPD treatment results in management and mitigation of behavior, and not transformation. I would love to hear more research and study that suggest more hopeful resolutions, but I think having realistic expectations of what treatment accomplishes is a key to not resenting (and further compounding the pain of) someone with BPD.

[Lolaloo]

Thanks OptimusRhyme for your response. That is hard to hear but I think I need to accept this. And yes realistic expectations are for the best 

[Aesir]

Aesir, thanks for sharing that it sounds really similar... .how did you manage to get away and be able to let go emotionally? I might have walked but my heart and mind is still not letting go completely... .

One night she was starting a argument over something stupid. We had this discussion before but she was really using this as a excuse to blame and attack me on other subjects she was stressed over. Something in me snapped and I just walked out. It has not been easy letting go emotionally but from what I've seen she doesn't seem to care enough to admit that she was at fault AGAIN. She seems to think that the reason I left was because I was already cheating (which was not true) and NOT because of her behavior. No responsibility what so ever.

It's rough but the alternative is more abuse so it's best this way.

[Lolaloo]

Wow, I CAN NOT believe what you have just written Aesir! That is soo similar again to what happened to me. I also just snapped and it was as if something inside me had had enough and my legs just did the walking!

Absolutely the same here too that she doesn't admit she had been at fault or take responsibility for anything either and she ALSO accused me of cheating (which was absolute rubbish but she had it in her head and wouldn't stop). She sent me an e-mail 10 days later saying that she knew I was unfaithful, toxic and had been seeing other people or else I wouldn't have run off! Like you said, absolutely no accountability for the fact that she might have caused an issue!

Its too spooky how similar your story sounds! It is really making me start to think I will be ok after all as I was thinking I was literally losing it!

I agree re it being rough but I see what you're saying also about the alternative being more abuse! How do you stop yourself from longing for the good stuff and wanting it back though?

[blueblue12]

Lolaloo,
The worst part of all this is when you realise that all the stories match! Somehow you read experiences forum members have had and they are just so close to your own. Nothing changes, it is so hard. As far as treatment yes, I have spoken to my T about it, his take is that if the BPD individual takes it on it may take 10-15 years of work, to get to an understanding of the condition. The way my ex behaves I can see it clearly now, I am convinced it is a borderline condition, plus she has all the traits from childhood inherent with this disorder.

I feel bad for her, at times I get to a point where I can see how she arrives at all the changes she makes, but they have also hurt me immensely and she does not really acknowledge these properly and possibly never will. It is all about her really. The most she has said after the demise of our marriage is "I made a mistake" I think it should be a lot stronger then that! But here is no empathy for the suffering she has caused at all. It is all about her, how she felt at the time "I just couldn't do it anymore" that's as much as I am going to get!

It is sad as I see it differently but cannot convey that to her, she will never see it my way. She just sees what she had to do and I was painted, I was the bad guy, I was controlling, insecure, etc... .she had to leave. Well two months later I was the greatest guy in the world and her greatest love and she begged me to see her, the replacement also did not work, now is that normal behaviour? It was all about her... .and it is all about her until she changes her mind again, do I really have to live like that? I could never really trust much of what she says anymore, so what is left of my relationship/marriage? Not much really, if I look at it clearly there is no future here. NC and move on as much as that hurst right now.

[Aesir]

Wow, I CAN NOT believe what you have just written Aesir! That is soo similar again to what happened to me. I also just snapped and it was as if something inside me had had enough and my legs just did the walking!

Absolutely the same here too that she doesn't admit she had been at fault or take responsibility for anything either and she ALSO accused me of cheating (which was absolute rubbish but she had it in her head and wouldn't stop). She sent me an e-mail 10 days later saying that she knew I was unfaithful, toxic and had been seeing other people or else I wouldn't have run off! Like you said, absolutely no accountability for the fact that she might have caused an issue!

Its too spooky how similar your story sounds! It is really making me start to think I will be ok after all as I was thinking I was literally losing it!

I agree re it being rough but I see what you're saying also about the alternative being more abuse! How do you stop yourself from longing for the good stuff and wanting it back though?

It's hard to stop longing for the good stuff. I'm 5 months NC and I think of her every day several times. I personally have to remind myself why I left in the first place and how hopeless the situation had become. She made far too many demands for someone who was not putting enough effort into the relationship. Plus her reaction to my leaving is a factor also. It was all about HER feelings and as usual she was a victim and martyr.

[Swhitey]

Is it just me or have others noticed that the 2 year point is about the maximum length a BPD relationship lasts?

I'm curious about this too... .My r/s ended after 2 years too. Mind you, in hindsight, my ex also basically admitted she was using me in her last email to me "... .I wish to enter a healthy relationship out of desire and not need" Makes sense, once all my savings had been depleted and she needed to get a job, she kicked me out, only to ask me to come back. I foolishly did, and she took the next 8 weeks to start getting herself things like a bed, then once she had all she needed kicked me out again. The idealization in the beginning blinded me and it felt good, too good really (finally someone who sees me for who I really think I am), she used her kids to appeal to my desire for a family. I didn't realize that she didn't want to change and I stayed, thinking she did. She entered individual therapy and couples therapy but she wouldn't put forth the effort, skipping sessions, or using couples therapy to vent/blame me. It was always the carrot on the stick that would pull me back in. She did not like it when I tried to enforce boundaries or express my feelings, it would always become about her. It was like my feelings caused her pain and she would lash out at me and run off crying to the bedroom for hours or days even. To keep the peace I would roll over on my needs for the sake of peace. I really felt that I was responsible for how she felt, and it crushed my self-esteem. This became (and to some extent, still is) a self imposed prison for me, at this point, has now left me feeling like a discarded empty container.

Talk about reinforcing an old belief that I am only as valuable to those as I am needed. If anything, she really drew out and exposed an old wound and dysfunctional way of thinking had for a long time. I should be thankful for that, and it has only been a month of NC, however I have been stuck in the anger phase for the last 2 weeks of this grieving process. I am really good at care for others, but I really suck at caring for myself. I'm getting better though, bit by bit. Perhaps, Lolaloo, caring about yourself is one way of letting go.

I am thankful that I am in weekly group and individual therapy to work through this. I am hoping that, in time, I will be able to actually have a relationship with healthier person, not another broken bird to save.

[Grey Kitty]

1) does it sound like BPD

Yep.

2) in my fantasy I would go back to her and tell her she has BPD and ask her to get treatment and then would stick by her and support her so we would live happily ever after... .is this realistic?

Nope.

3) If number 2) is not realistic, how do I emotionally let go of someone who appeared to be 2 people... .one so loving and nurturing that I would have married her and the other so sadistic and cruel that I have never experienced anything like it before

Radical acceptance: She isn't 'really' the kind person. She isn't 'really' the mean person. She is BOTH. That is the real person.

And that combination is somebody you cannot be safely in a relationship with. (Especially because the bad/abusive behavior tends to escalate over time unless you have the skills to shut it down... .so if you continued the way you were going, it would get worse, not better!)

You can love somebody and at the same time know you need to keep yourself away from them for your own protection. It is sad, but it isn't a contradiction.

4) How do I learn what it is I need to do to heal as if it is not possible to be with this person, I accept that I must have my own issues to put up with someone who was abusive to me

There's a lot of work there. Consider individual therapy for yourself as one option.

You also might try to examine what it was that sucked you in, and why you were vulnerable to it--you put up with the abuse, you had trouble pulling yourself out, but you didn't WANT that. Something else hooked you in. For many of us, how we were treated by our parents/family has a lot to do with it.

[In a bad way]

Thank you so much for your reply In a bad way. I am really grateful just to know that I am not going mad. It sounds like you have gone through really similar! Do you know if the person you were with had Borderline as this is what I am trying to fathom out. And if they do have BPD is it mad to think it could all get treated by a therapist and we could live happily ever after?... .I wish I knew the answers but heh ho.

I can tell just by your name 'In a bad way' that you must be feeling rough. My heart goes out to you as it is soo darn confusing this stuff!  How can one person be 2 people... .and is the real person  both the kind loving one and the nasty one... .I guess they must be... .
 

I like most people presumed that the nice person was the real one and the nasty one came out through the stress some people were putting her under.
Now I really don't know, was the nice person she was for the first 4 months just an act?
Was it once she had got me where she wanted me the real her came out?
Are both her personalities the real her?
I don't think I will ever come to terms with that split personality.
I don't know for sure if it's BPD, my research into split personality/ instant personality change lead me here, but also she fits many traits of dissociative identity disorder.
Neither personality remembered what the other one had said or done.
She couldn't manage more than a few nights being the nice loving one, the nasty one didn't like it and took over.
At the time before I'd heard of BPD or DID I used to think that because she had had a bad life filled with arguments that the other her had this need for confrontation because it was how she had lived.
But sometimes she took pleasure out of hurting me, but that was the nasty her.
So she is both depending on which one wins the battle in her head and comes to the front, I still like to think the real her is the loving one but she has no control over the evil one emerging.
The main question is why did it take 4 months for the evil one to pop out?

[UnforgivenII]

Because she waited until she had hooked you.

[In a bad way]

Because she waited until she had hooked you.

Very possibly  but that would then mean it was intentional, I have a hard time with that. I honestly think she didn't know what she was doing, 2 people inside 1 head.
Maybe once the evil one realises you are hooked then it can get out  and then get out more often.
But that wouldn't explain the abandonment, although I think once I had told her some home truths at the end and I admit I wasn't very nice about it then I was painted black forever.
As I said neither personality remembered the others actions, so maybe I'm a bad man in her eyes for saying what I said and she doesn't think it's true.

[Lolaloo]

Thanks for your post In a Bad Way... .
Like you said, I totally agree that I always thought that the real one was the nice one and I spend most of the first year together thinking, where has the nice one gone? I wish she would just come back etc... .You asked are both personalities the real her and I guess that is where I am at too at present. I also don't know why mine took 5 to 6 months to start up with the rage and annihilation but I think maybe like someone else posted it was because she knew she had been sufficiently loving to ensnare me and was holding that side of her off till then?... .You said that you are not sure about this as she didn't seem to consciously be doing it but mine was the same... .maybe it is all unconscious... .

It hurts my head to try and work out how that loving person and the horrid person were both her as like you it felt like 2 people as they were like polar opposites... .Also I always thought rationally about it and thought that surely if I could explain how she was coming across when she was nasty, that she just realise and be able to stay the nice being the nice one... .SO CONFUSING!

Yes Raul, I agree that it is freaky how all the stories match! Its like a slow dawning realisation that maybe she did have BPD.

Grey Kitty - thank you so much for your replies to my questions... .I'm not too sure what you mean by Radical acceptance... .how do you do that... .how do you just accept that one person is 2 people.

Also is that definitely true that it would get worse and that its not safe to be in a relationship with her... .She has been e-mailing and I have no idea if she would want to be with me. She is just talking about getting her stuff back which I think she knows I don't have ! However part of me is still thinking, can't I just say I don't have your stuff but by the way, I have discovered you have BPD and would stick by you if you get help for it... .Isn't there a cure for BPD. Or am I just not accepting that there is no chance of it working with her.

I have confusion in my mind when I look at the diagnostic criteria for BPD. Although she ticks 5 or 6 of the criteria, she never was promiscuous and never cheated plus she never had any problem at all being on her own or being single!  So would this mean it is not in fact BPD ... .
I'm clearly still confused so apologies in advance 

You can love somebody and at the same time know you need to keep yourself away from them for your own protection. It is sad, but it isn't a contradiction.

[OptimusRhyme]

how do you just accept that one person is 2 people.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=296225.0

You don't necessarily need to understand it (and in fact, none of us will probably ever be able to internalize it in a way that makes sense) to acknowledge that all of this person's actions, words, and thoughts are their own responsibility, and their own choice, which they are entitled to and one cannot change. At least, that's what I'm taking away from radical acceptance so far, but I'm often having a real struggle with it.

However part of me is still thinking, can't I just say I don't have your stuff but by the way, I have discovered you have BPD and would stick by you if you get help for it... .Isn't there a cure for BPD. Or am I just not accepting that there is no chance of it working with her.

I have confusion in my mind when I look at the diagnostic criteria for BPD. Although she ticks 5 or 6 of the criteria, she never was promiscuous and never cheated plus she never had any problem at all being on her own or being single!  So would this mean it is not in fact BPD ... .
I'm clearly still confused so apologies in advance  

This stuff's confusing as hell, no need to apologize. But I don't think BPD (and personality disorders in general) are like purely physical diseases. It isn't like "oh sweet, we were worried I had cancer, but I'm actually totally fine!" Whether she's subclinical, shows borderline traits, is high functioning or not, or is the textbook, full blown poster child for BPD, it's a spectrum disorder, and is more of a general "theme" of similarly rooted and similarly destructive behavioral patterns. Regardless of how many of the dsm guidelines she lines up with or not, the qualitative experience of her behavior in a relationship was clearly a damaging/confusing/self-sabotaging one for you.

Similarly, BPD isn't going to be "cured", where there will come a day where she finishes a therapy regimen like one would finish antibiotics and all traces of the illness are gone from her system. DBT isn't even like the inconvenience of being on required medicine for the rest of one's life (insulin, blood thinner, etc) , but being perfectly fine as long as one has that medicine. BPD-like behavior is part of her personality, and she can learn coping skills, ways to manage and reapproach her native behaviors, but it's not a external disease to be excised from her - and in fact, the behavioral networks responsible for "BPD behavior" are the same ones that are responsible for some of the things you love about her personality or your interactions. I've read about and continue to try and find research on reparenting and reprogramming the original problematic survival networks that people who have BPD traits employ, but it's by no means conclusive or uniform. And for me personally, I realized that my lack of acceptance of the horribly sad idea that someone is... .essentially, broken forever, are my own issues with perfectionism and unrealistic expectations from ego defense.

So all that's a big wall of text to say. Your heart and body know what you need to do. Notice your intellectual mind looking for ways to reason out of accepting that (admittedly sad as ___) conclusion, but recognize that resistance (bargaining)  for what it is - part of the healthy and necessary grieving process.

[Grey Kitty]

Anyhow, I suggest you don't tell your pwBPD about BPD. Short version--it goes badly about 95% of the time... .and if you are broken up right now, I think you will get bad results more like 99.99999% of the time!

It is true that there is therapy which helps for BPD, but it is long, difficult, and most pwBPD are unwilling/unable to go through with it if they can even find, and afford it.



How do you accept that one person is two people?

Not to be too simplistic, but what is a traffic light?
Is it a green light?
Is it a red light?

Similarly, your pwBPD is a person who is SOMETIMES sadistic and cruel, and SOMETIMES, loving and nurturing. If you do not accept that both sides exist, you will trip yourself up horribly and be surprised and badly hurt again and again and again.