Help me please

[Livelife]

Hello BPD family.this is my first post and it should have been done a long time ago. I am a 48 yr old female that believes I have been in a 10 year relationship with a BPD. Please understand that this is my own diagnosis, after being oblivious of this even existing.  I will try to summarize below.

We met 10 yrs ago this summer while both of us were working 2 jobs. At the time I was coming out of a divorce. I have always been the caring type and tend to take care of others before myself. I can be controlling and that has come from being independent even when I was married. I come from a 2 parent household Andy my parents have been married over 50 years. Love in my home was unconditional and still is, even  A little about him he was adopted and grew up in a house where I know there was emotional and physical abuse. I believe sexual abuse a and well but he has never confirmed this. He knows his biological mother and his adopted mother is deceased. He has no relationship with his siblings and pretty much is a loner. We are 2 opposites I know.
The relationship was great at the beginning and then I started seeing what I know know as possible BPD symptoms. He told me he had dealt with depression, but me not knowing what that entailed we proceeded on. I noticed up front that he was a clingy person but this didn't bother me as I am affectionate. I started to notice mood changes, accusations of me cheating, calling me when with me girlfriends, telling me I talk down to him, etc. I was like WHOA who the f*!* is this person. Me being the person I am I just chalked it up to bad days, a mild spat whatever. I noticed that things slowly got worse and eventually we took a brief breaK. I sought some therapy and this is a when I discovered I was possibly dealing with a BPD.  I dated a littl but we eventuAlly got back together. The rollercoaster begins again not so bad because I laid out some boundaries. I even suggest therapy and he agreed. He has been on medication and in counseling for almost a year, he said he did try counseling before and he said it didn't work. The past year has been awesome, we have have been talking and communicating more then all of a sudden the past 2 weeks silent treatment. Later all to find out because I told him no regarding something. Let me rewind to 2 months ago. We went on vacation in Hawaii for valentines day( someplace he has always wanted to go).  Prior to this he took me ring shopping and called me fiancée. So what am I to think. Well a proprosal doesnt happen and we get back I politely bring it up in conversation and he says oh I wasn't serious about that stuff. My words to him were that was cruel. Now mind u I know that I am dealing with an uBPD so I don't show my anger and keep a calm voice an go on as usual. Unfortunately I have learned to do this with him. He gets quiet for a few days and one night at 4 in the morning he calls me and says I'm sorry, I love u and I want u to know how important you are to me. One week later silence because I want in the mood to cook him dinner. I believe it was some of my anger coming out. Now after 2 weeks of silence,he says  I don't show him love, i push him away etc blah, blah blah. I am so sick of this emotional bull___ from him bur at that same time I love this man, we have a great time which is 80% of the time and I know I can be a ___ at times but accusing me of what he is I AM NOT. I have stood by this man when he was in ICU, take care of him when he is ill, sat in the dark and have held him when he cries because  no one has ever shown him love. I worry about him because he is not a healthy person and he really has no one.

I don't know if he has been diagnosed with anything since he has been going to counseling but it doesn't seem like he has or if he has he has told me. Question if they have been diagnosed do BPD's usually share?

I am Sorry this is all over the place I need to vent and this is the only place I feel safe at the moment. Please don't judge me.

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[JoeBPD81]

Nothing to be judged, your concerns are understandable.

My BPD girlfriend only shared her diagnosis with me, no one else knows. She says she doesn't trust me, and a hundred times she had told me she wouldn't talk to be about her issues any more. But then she confies in me again. Sometimes I feel she isn't aware I'm a person and she just talks to me as if I were her diary.
Anyway.  The diagnosis has a lot of bad reputation. People with BPD are believed to be liars, to blame everything in others, to seek attention, to be immature, to have risky behaviors, to seek self harm activities, to be unable or unfit to sustain a relationship or even friendships, to be a burden for their families... .Should I keep going? It's the most loaded label anyone can have, no one wants that.
Shame is a great (un) motivator for people with BPD,  they feel it, as everything, a hundred times amplified. So it's not uncommon, I think, to keep the diagnosis as a shameful secret.

Keep posting, even just venting helps. Welcome to the family.