Do you think he can get better with me?

[Coping64]

I'm struggling to handle my partners moods as well as take care of my worsening anxiety and look after the kids. Because of all the hurt he's caused me over the last 15 months I think I'm about done. When he dysregulates I just don't want to deal with the abuse anymore. And I honestly think that being in a relationship hinders his progress and if he got away from his triggers (me) then he'd have a better chance of getting better. But I'm just wondering how severe do you think my partners BPD is and what are the chances of him getting better while staying with me?
He deregulates at least twice a week, has hurt himself over 10 times using pills and cutting his wrist (not to intentionally kill himself), has run off to hurt himself over 70 times and always comes home after about 100 messages telling me all the ways I'm terrible and have caused it, has smashed and broken things around the house which has resulted in cops being called, and all this with a baby and 7 year old in the house. He's emotionally and verbally abusive about half the time and the other half he's mostly normal (still very snappy and negative and easily wound up). Is this extreme BPD? I just don't know how often these kinds of behaviours are meant to occur and if this is too much for one person to handle while trying to protect my children from it. From what I've read, twice a week seems extreme, and it lasts a few days at a time so I get a couple of good days a week. Thank you for your opinions.

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[stayingsteady]

Hi AndreaG64,

I'm sorry you're in the middle of such a fragile situation.  Dealing with the intense emotions caused by the symptoms of BPD can be extremely difficult, especially when you're worried about the well being of your children.

I'm sure you already know this, but I wanted to reaffirm that you are not the true root cause of these issues.  I completely understand why you're concerned that you may be a trigger for him, but being a trigger is different than being the true cause of the issue.

When a trigger is removed it will prevent the behavior from occurring, but this isn't because the person has healed.  Rather, the behavior will remain dormant until a similar situation arises, and once it does, the behavior is likely to return.

In short, I think I'm trying to say that him getting better has nothing to do with you.  It has more to do with the personal choice of the individual with the symptoms.  Sadly, sometimes this choice to get better doesn't occur until their personal pain has become too much for them to bear.

That being said, your safety (both emotional and physical), and the safety of your children, are extremely important.  Sometimes these behaviors reach a point where exiting may be necessary to protect yourself and/or your children.

Also, it seems to me that the intensity of BPD can be completely masked by many individuals suffering from it.  Rather than having external behaviors like you had mentioned in your post (verbal abuse, throwing things, cutting), the emotions stay bottled up inside until it is too much for the individual to handle, resulting in a catastrophic explosion.  I always felt that this could prevent us from truly knowing how intense one case of BPD could be in relation to another.  What do you think?

Hoping for the best for you and your husband,

-Staying Steady