Just found out that my mom has BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi this is my first post and although i've done a lot of research on BPD since I found out my moms diagnosis, I'd like to share our story with people who are going through the same fight. Maybe it will help with the helplessness i've felt for so, so, long.

My mom suffered a stroke back in January this year, from that point forward her personality underwent a complete change. For a long time, I thought this was just consequences from her stroke. I blamed it all on the stroke and on brain damage she may have suffered. My mom has always suffered from depression and anxiety, she has always been on meds and has always been a little bit of a debbie downer, always the story topper with her misery and never once really comforting you without being able to bring up her own pain/issues. She has always said what's on her mind and has even been the type to be rude, as a family we've always said... ."that's how she is" and we've always shrugged it off and have even had a few chuckles.

About a week ago, she went to her psychologist and she left an external referral he requested laying around. In it, I saw the usual diagnosis of depression and anxiety but I also saw she was diagnosed with BPD. Now, my mom has been going to this doctor for decades, not ONCE has she mentioned BPD. My mom also is hispanic, with very little education, and she's already 71. I feel this diagnosis isn't a new thing but something that has been there for a long time. Maybe the doctor didn't explain what it was OR he did and she just didn't understand it. Once I researched BPD i found that all the characteristics of a BPD are characteristics my mom has.

Anyway, i'm wondering if the stroke may have caused some sort of flare up. Living with her is ABSOLUTE HELL. She picks fights with me and when she notices i don't react, she pokes and pokes until I do. She lies to people and tells them I don't help her with anything, I don't cook for her, I don't make sure she's ok, I don't drive her anywhere and I don't keep track of any of her appointments. These are ALL things I do for her but it's almost as if she loves when people feel sorry for her. I've been on the verge of losing my job because of how many times I have to run out when she has panic attacks, or feels ill, forgets things, or takes the wrong meds. When I tell her I can't continue to miss work, she says things like "you have a mother you have to be there for, if they want someone there all the time then they need to hire someone without an ill family member". If she misses an appointment, she blames me. When she's not putting the blame on me, she will dramaticly put the blame on herself. She says things like "It's my fault, yes i know, i'm stupid, just blame me like you always do, i'm useless!" but almost in a sarcastic way to get me to shut up. I've cried and begged her to please tell me what I can do to get us to please stop fighting and her response has been "yeah, cry, suffer, let it all out, that's how i deal with it alone in this house, every single day" She then starts her talks about wanting to die, saying that her life is not life, that nobody knows what it's like to be her etc. When I finally break down and tell her she's wonderful and I love her and I need her to be strong and give her that attention she gets in a good mood and suddenly loves me again. It's almost like she NEEDS that attention. She drains me and feels good about it, she blames me for being alone but when I try and get her involved in adult day care or buy her crafts, she ignores my suggestions. Makes me feel like i'm some dumb kid and she's the grown up. I can't quit my job to spend all day with her and sometimes it feels like that's what she wants. I've cut off all my friends, i was alone for over 6 years, unable to date because of her. Now, i'm finally in a relationship and she's constantly kicking me out of the house. Telling me I only have time for my SO and that I treat her horribly. I admit, i lash out A LOT even when she's not being mean but it's because I can't stand her anymore. I'm always ready for the next insult, i'm always ready for my actions not to be appreciated and whenever I get home, i'm always ready for some sort of tragedy when i walk through the door. I am depleted in every single way possible.  I've tried talking to her nicely, i've tried yelling, i've threatned to leave and it's almost like i'm talking at her. She responds talking about other things and never focuses on the subject. If she does stay within the subject, it's to talk about herself and not what i'm actually trying to bring up. I tried to explain BPD and how therapy might work and i don't think she understood and my suggestion just became overshadowed by her changing the subject.

I don't want to leave her alone BUT I can no longer handle this situation. My SO and I are trying to buy a house, when she met my SO she was IN LOVE. The best person for me, now, she resents them. My SO has noticed and what initially started as "we will buy a house and bring your mom with us"  has now turned into... ."maybe she can get a place close by". My SO tells me when she does things that are uncalled for but can't intervene because it's just not their place. I'm afraid if I stay w her, i'll not only lose my relationship but my sanity as well. I'm also afraid that if I leave her, she will fall apart and either harm herself or die. It's just me, no siblings (my sister passed away), my dad left her and later passed away, and her grandchildren all lover her... .BECAUSE they all live in different states. She's a delight over the phone (until she stops liking you). Nurses love her at first... .until they don't. Hospital stays are a nightmare, she fights with every single person that crosses her path. She always starts out liking someone in the staff but midway through the stay, she starts disliking them. She used to even dislike her great granddaughter because she says I loved her more than I loved her. Suddenly, i detached from my great niece and now she loves her. Critisizes the hell out of her and her mother (my nephews wife) but loves my great niece. It's rough and it's a battle and she has pushed everyone away and i'm the only one w the burden. I don't have the heart to leave my mother alone. If i'm struggling and she's my mom and I love her, a stranger will just be awful to her.

I don't know how else to deal with this. I need help... .

[Stephy007]

Hi this is my first post and although i've done a lot of research on BPD since I found out my moms diagnosis, I'd like to share our story with people who are going through the same fight. Maybe it will help with the helplessness i've felt for so, so, long.

My mom suffered a stroke back in January this year, from that point forward her personality underwent a complete change. For a long time, I thought this was just consequences from her stroke. I blamed it all on the stroke and on brain damage she may have suffered. My mom has always suffered from depression and anxiety, she has always been on meds and has always been a little bit of a debbie downer, always the story topper with her misery and never once really comforting you without being able to bring up her own pain/issues. She has always said what's on her mind and has even been the type to be rude, as a family we've always said... ."that's how she is" and we've always shrugged it off and have even had a few chuckles.

About a week ago, she went to her psychologist and she left an external referral he requested laying around. In it, I saw the usual diagnosis of depression and anxiety but I also saw she was diagnosed with BPD. Now, my mom has been going to this doctor for decades, not ONCE has she mentioned BPD. My mom also is hispanic, with very little education, and she's already 71. I feel this diagnosis isn't a new thing but something that has been there for a long time. Maybe the doctor didn't explain what it was OR he did and she just didn't understand it. Once I researched BPD i found that all the characteristics of a BPD are characteristics my mom has.

Anyway, i'm wondering if the stroke may have caused some sort of flare up. Living with her is ABSOLUTE HELL. She picks fights with me and when she notices i don't react, she pokes and pokes until I do. She lies to people and tells them I don't help her with anything, I don't cook for her, I don't make sure she's ok, I don't drive her anywhere and I don't keep track of any of her appointments. These are ALL things I do for her but it's almost as if she loves when people feel sorry for her. I've been on the verge of losing my job because of how many times I have to run out when she has panic attacks, or feels ill, forgets things, or takes the wrong meds. When I tell her I can't continue to miss work, she says things like "you have a mother you have to be there for, if they want someone there all the time then they need to hire someone without an ill family member". If she misses an appointment, she blames me. When she's not putting the blame on me, she will dramaticly put the blame on herself. She says things like "It's my fault, yes i know, i'm stupid, just blame me like you always do, i'm useless!" but almost in a sarcastic way to get me to shut up. I've cried and begged her to please tell me what I can do to get us to please stop fighting and her response has been "yeah, cry, suffer, let it all out, that's how i deal with it alone in this house, every single day" She then starts her talks about wanting to die, saying that her life is not life, that nobody knows what it's like to be her etc. When I finally break down and tell her she's wonderful and I love her and I need her to be strong and give her that attention she gets in a good mood and suddenly loves me again. It's almost like she NEEDS that attention. She drains me and feels good about it, she blames me for being alone but when I try and get her involved in adult day care or buy her crafts, she ignores my suggestions. Makes me feel like i'm some dumb kid and she's the grown up. I can't quit my job to spend all day with her and sometimes it feels like that's what she wants. I've cut off all my friends, i was alone for over 6 years, unable to date because of her. Now, i'm finally in a relationship and she's constantly kicking me out of the house. Telling me I only have time for my SO and that I treat her horribly. I admit, i lash out A LOT even when she's not being mean but it's because I can't stand her anymore. I'm always ready for the next insult, i'm always ready for my actions not to be appreciated and whenever I get home, i'm always ready for some sort of tragedy when i walk through the door. I am depleted in every single way possible.  I've tried talking to her nicely, i've tried yelling, i've threatned to leave and it's almost like i'm talking at her. She responds talking about other things and never focuses on the subject. If she does stay within the subject, it's to talk about herself and not what i'm actually trying to bring up. I tried to explain BPD and how therapy might work and i don't think she understood and my suggestion just became overshadowed by her changing the subject.

I don't want to leave her alone BUT I can no longer handle this situation. My SO and I are trying to buy a house, when she met my SO she was IN LOVE. The best person for me, now, she resents them. My SO has noticed and what initially started as "we will buy a house and bring your mom with us"  has now turned into... ."maybe she can get a place close by". My SO tells me when she does things that are uncalled for but can't intervene because it's just not their place. I'm afraid if I stay w her, i'll not only lose my relationship but my sanity as well. I'm also afraid that if I leave her, she will fall apart and either harm herself or die. It's just me, no siblings (my sister passed away), my dad left her and later passed away, and her grandchildren all lover her... .BECAUSE they all live in different states. She's a delight over the phone (until she stops liking you). Nurses love her at first... .until they don't. Hospital stays are a nightmare, she fights with every single person that crosses her path. She always starts out liking someone in the staff but midway through the stay, she starts disliking them. She used to even dislike her great granddaughter because she says I loved her more than I loved her. Suddenly, i detached from my great niece and now she loves her. Critisizes the hell out of her and her mother (my nephews wife) but loves my great niece. It's rough and it's a battle and she has pushed everyone away and i'm the only one w the burden. I don't have the heart to leave my mother alone. If i'm struggling and she's my mom and I love her, a stranger will just be awful to her.

I don't know how else to deal with this. I need help... .

[Mutt]

Hi Stephy007, 



I'm sorry to hear that. There is usually an underlying clinical depression and anxiety with BPD, BPD is also comorbid with PTSD because some pwBPD went through a traumatic past experience, ADHD, BiP another mood disorder and it can be comorbid with other personality disorders, expersts are not sure why BPD has the most comorbidity out of all mental disorders.

I've cut off all my friends, i was alone for over 6 years, unable to date because of her. Now, i'm finally in a relationship and she's constantly kicking me out of the house.

I completely understand how emotionally exausting and distressing an untreated pwBPD can be  To answer your question, BPD is a persecution complex, a pwBPD believes that their circumstances are caused externally by others and the traits exaburates when the person is undergoing a lot of stress, I can see how a stroke would be a stressful event.

I'm sorry that you have lost all of your friends, it's important to interact with others, people need other people, you know first hand how a pwBPD are mostly negative most of the time and that feedback is not a realistic picture, it's a distorted picture about yourself, it helps to balance that out by surrounding yourself with others, it's also a part of self care. Self care is important for our emotional wellbeing, it's even more important when you have a pwBPD in your life. I can understand how a pwBPD trigger guilty feelings but we're not reponsible for other people's feelings, a pwBPD can't self sooth and a lot of this attention getting is because she can't sooth her own feelings, a lot of her behaviors are driven by the disorder, she's not in control of that but she still has a responsibility to self manage and to get help for herself.

'm afraid if I stay w her, i'll not only lose my relationship but my sanity as well. I'm also afraid that if I leave her, she will fall apart and either harm herself or die. It's just me, no siblings (my sister passed away), my dad left her and later passed away, and her grandchildren all lover her... .BECAUSE they all live in different states. She's a delight over the phone (until she stops liking you). Nurses love her at first... .until they don't. Hospital stays are a nightmare, she fights with every single person that crosses her path. She always starts out liking someone in the staff but midway through the stay, she starts disliking them. She used to even dislike her great granddaughter because she says I loved her more than I loved her. Suddenly, i detached from my great niece and now she loves her. Critisizes the hell out of her and her mother (my nephews wife) but loves my great niece. It's rough and it's a battle and she has pushed everyone away and i'm the only one w the burden. I don't have the heart to leave my mother alone. If i'm struggling and she's my mom and I love her, a stranger will just be awful to her.

You have a right to be happy. I suggest that you read as much as you can about the disorder, a lot of the behaviors don't make sense but there is a fundamental logic for the reason why your mom acts the way that she does, learn to depersonalize the behavior and become indifferent to the behaviors, you neither like it or hate it, it's something that she is going through at that time, it's not personal. Reading about BPD also normalizes it, when you have a mental illness it helps to learn about it, I'd suggest to not tell her again that she has symptoms of BPD because it can cause the traits to become worse.

Lastly, a pwBPD need strong boundaries, sometimes it helps a pwBPD when we have strong boundaries because there's a sense of security there, when your mom feels out of control sometimes she's try to over control her environment. You can have boundaries with compassion too.

Borderline Personality - Symptoms & Diagnostics

Setting Boundaries and Setting Limits

Boundaries - examples

[Finallyawake]

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I can relate to your situation because I am going through the same thing. My mother lives in my home. She is in her 70's. She depends on me for everything, but in return forces me to depend on her, even though I have a career and I own my home. I have a license and my own car, but she won't let me drive. I have no way of objecting without constant fights from her, so I've given up asking for my freedom... .for now anyways. She has to drive me everywhere. I've lost all but one friend. I can only have a boyfriend in secret and I can either see my friend in secret or bring my mother along (she says my friends are her friends, which is why I have no friends). The few times I've asked her to move out, it caused World War III. She made every threat imaginable and never left. My mother verbally attacks me too and constantly accuses me of things I didn't do.

I am in the process of learning to establish boundaries, which is one of the hardest things I've ever done.

Oh, and I've been there too with the boyfriend who no longer wants my mother to live with me and him. In the end, I chose my mother every time. As much as I think my mother is not looking out for my best interests, my ex-boyfriends have turned out to be pretty bad too. After all, it's kind of hard to have a wide dating pool when my mother is with me constantly.

Again, like you, I have no siblings and no close by family. I'm all she has got. If you drive, cling on to every shred of freedom and cherish it.

I have no advice other than to say I'm in my 40's and my mother has lived with me my whole life. I only found out about her BPD when I read some books on it last year and she had EVERY symptom. I only wished I knew sooner. I will someday establish boundaries and give myself the freedom I deserve. She raised me to think all this was normal. I kind of always knew it was wrong, but would never admit it.

I wish you the best of luck.