Narcissistic Inury

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi guys

I believe I caused my friend a narcissistic injury when our friendship came to an end in March. I was thinking about it last night and googled it and found this information which fits:

'Narcissistic rage is the reaction to narcissistic injury whenever there is a perceived threat to a narcissist’s self-esteem, or self-worth.  Mortally wounded, they take flight into fantasy of grandiosity and they become fixated on getting revenge. Their need for revenge is paramount, because each narcissistic injury fills them with shame and self-loathing.'

My friend projected lots of negative stuff on to me when I got angry with him pulling out of meeting up again for the 5th time in a row, which I wasn't going to accept.  He told me he wasn't my partner or boyfriend, wasn't committed to me or owed me anything, we would never be in a relationship and our friendship was now over as I had 'feelings for him' and a line had been crossed.  1. I'm married which he is fully aware of and 2. the line was crossed by him sexting me and constantly asking me to meet up with him and ringing me/leaving me voicemails constantly.  I was so angry I retaliated and said to him why the hell would I want a relationship with a 49 year old who rents a room; told him he was delusional and needed to get a grip and that he was a narcissist.  This prompted a text from him saying I was nasty and abusive and if he heard from me he would contact the police and have me done for harassment (what a joke, you should see all the texts and voicemails I have stored up from him).  When I told him as such he then said if he heard from me again he would contact my husband despite telling me he had deleted all of my numbers, including home phone.  I told him to go ahead and told him he was pathetic.  I have no idea what he thought he was going to be telling my husband as my husband is fully aware that I befriended an ex with a mental illness.  That was nearly 7 weeks ago.  I believe the injury came about by me shaming him about being 49 and renting a room (I feel bad about that now however and wish I could take it back but I was so damn angry) and called him out on his narcissistic behaviour (grandiosity and making out I was desperate for him).

So I believe he is more NPD than BPD; but does a narcissistic injury also occur in BPD as I have read a few folks on here having harassment and restraining orders against them.  Or are NPD and BPD pretty much the same beast?

[insideoutside]

Hi guys

I believe I caused my friend a narcissistic injury when our friendship came to an end in March. I was thinking about it last night and googled it and found this information which fits:

'Narcissistic rage is the reaction to narcissistic injury whenever there is a perceived threat to a narcissist’s self-esteem, or self-worth.  Mortally wounded, they take flight into fantasy of grandiosity and they become fixated on getting revenge. Their need for revenge is paramount, because each narcissistic injury fills them with shame and self-loathing.'

My friend projected lots of negative stuff on to me when I got angry with him pulling out of meeting up again for the 5th time in a row, which I wasn't going to accept.  He told me he wasn't my partner or boyfriend, wasn't committed to me or owed me anything, we would never be in a relationship and our friendship was now over as I had 'feelings for him' and a line had been crossed.  1. I'm married which he is fully aware of and 2. the line was crossed by him sexting me and constantly asking me to meet up with him and ringing me/leaving me voicemails constantly.  I was so angry I retaliated and said to him why the hell would I want a relationship with a 49 year old who rents a room; told him he was delusional and needed to get a grip and that he was a narcissist.  This prompted a text from him saying I was nasty and abusive and if he heard from me he would contact the police and have me done for harassment (what a joke, you should see all the texts and voicemails I have stored up from him).  When I told him as such he then said if he heard from me again he would contact my husband despite telling me he had deleted all of my numbers, including home phone.  I told him to go ahead and told him he was pathetic.  I have no idea what he thought he was going to be telling my husband as my husband is fully aware that I befriended an ex with a mental illness.  That was nearly 7 weeks ago.  I believe the injury came about by me shaming him about being 49 and renting a room (I feel bad about that now however and wish I could take it back but I was so damn angry) and called him out on his narcissistic behaviour (grandiosity and making out I was desperate for him).

So I believe he is more NPD than BPD; but does a narcissistic injury also occur in BPD as I have read a few folks on here having harassment and restraining orders against them.  Or are NPD and BPD pretty much the same beast?

[insideoutside]

A phrase which he kept on using was that he was 'disappointed in me'... .Nope, not having it and another reason why I unleashed holy hell on him.  I had stuck by him through goodness knows how many silent treatments, discards and arranging everything to meet up with him only to be let down for the umpteenth time with no consideration to my efforts or feelings.  

[patientandclear]

Yes; another way to think of it is that many pwBPD have extreme rejection sensitivity and also struggle with intimacy. When they can't match your expectations because their feelings are complicated and mixed, if this is styled or felt as a "failure" on their part, that has to be converted into our failure or deficiency.

It's tough being close with someone who has an aversion to closeness. They can't just snap out of those feelings. Skills and recognition can help, but some pwBPD (incl my ex) don't have much of that. That leaves it to us to try to validate when we communicate what we can accept and what we can do. It's not at all easy or necessarily effective in creating a path out of the dysfunction.

[heartandwhole]

Hi izzybusy,

Or are NPD and BPD pretty much the same beast?

Not really. But they can often be co-morbid. We have a very informative thread here where the differences between BPD and NPD are unpacked:

Differences | Comorbidity: BPD and NPD

In my understanding, there is such a thing as a healthy narcissism, which stems from a solid sense of self/identity. This is developed in childhood through the relationships with the primary caregivers. Narcissistic injury happens when the conditions for the development of a healthy sense of self are lacking for various reasons (absence, neglect, abuse, etc.). Then, the person doesn't develop the abilities to self-regulate and become independent and emotionally self-sufficient. Other people are more like objects to such a person—meant to fulfill his/her needs rather than being a separate person with needs of their own.

As you experienced, someone who has narcissistic tendencies has a fragile self-esteem, so any challenge to that is going to get a reaction to avoid the self-loathing and feelings of shame.

heartandwhole

[once removed]

we can all suffer a narcissistic injury, too, and many of us did as a result of our breakups.

[insideoutside]

we can all suffer a narcissistic injury, too, and many of us did as a result of our breakups.

Thanks once removed; the difference being I guess most of us wouldn't seek out and out revenge on the pwBPD but I do understand what you mean.

[Duped 1]

Question-

can someone who is not a Narcissist suffer a Narcissistic Injury? The definitions seem to indicate this is suffered by Narcissists but maybe it would apply to people with a little bit of healthy narcissism as well? I'm really not sure that's why I'm asking.

[once removed]

can someone who is not a Narcissist suffer a Narcissistic Injury?

yes. think of it as an ego wound, a deep and festering one, with a deep sense of rejection.

its a wound many of us here struggle with detaching from.