Know I'm better off out of it, but still feel I've lost...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Something that's been on my mind and bothering me of late.

I know I'm absolutely better off without her. I know my life with her would have been miserable and I'd be constantly looking over my shoulder waiting for the cheating to start again etc. She's jealous, manipulative, lacking in integrity and completely morally bankrupt. Plus she's liar and a cheat, through and through to her very core.

And so she's married to another man and has a family etc. And even though I know what I said about her above, I'm still jealous of that and feel not good enough and feel I've missed out.

Why is that? Knowing what I know of her and finally accepting the truth, why do I feel I've lost out and feel second (third? forth?) best?

If this is an addiction rather than love, and I'm willing to accept that, then why do I feel jealous of her husband? As much as I accept that she's bad news, why aren't I thinking thank God it ended when it did?

I was (for want of a better word) the goodie in the relationship. She was the cheat, the liar etc., but she was the one who got the family. I played by the rules and got nothing. I don't miss her anymore, I just feel I lost.

Why is this?

[GuySmiley]

Something that's been on my mind and bothering me of late.

I know I'm absolutely better off without her. I know my life with her would have been miserable and I'd be constantly looking over my shoulder waiting for the cheating to start again etc. She's jealous, manipulative, lacking in integrity and completely morally bankrupt. Plus she's liar and a cheat, through and through to her very core.

And so she's married to another man and has a family etc. And even though I know what I said about her above, I'm still jealous of that and feel not good enough and feel I've missed out.

Why is that? Knowing what I know of her and finally accepting the truth, why do I feel I've lost out and feel second (third? forth?) best?

If this is an addiction rather than love, and I'm willing to accept that, then why do I feel jealous of her husband? As much as I accept that she's bad news, why aren't I thinking thank God it ended when it did?

I was (for want of a better word) the goodie in the relationship. She was the cheat, the liar etc., but she was the one who got the family. I played by the rules and got nothing. I don't miss her anymore, I just feel I lost.

Why is this?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey GuySmiley, Your head says that you're better off without her, but your heart doesn't feel that way, right?  Presumably you are still idealizing her on some level.  If she's on your mind to such an extent, it suggests to me that you haven't completely detached from her, because you're still emotionally invested.  That's OK, it just means you have more work to do, in order to process your feelings.  How to process?  You'll have to find out what works for you, but here are some suggestions: share your feelings with a close friend or family member, meet with a therapist, sit with your feelings and just observe, acknowledge your feelings and let them pass through you, write in a journal about what you are experiencing, take a walk in the woods, exercise, practice mindfulness meditation, play a musical instrument,  etc.  You get the idea!

LuckyJim

[once removed]

comparing our lives to others can have this effect.

are you following her on social media?

[GuySmiley]

comparing our lives to others can have this effect.

are you following her on social media?

No, I've all but given up using social media as pictures of other people's dinner, kids, pets and political views drive me insane.

Because of her job she can't have a FB profile, but there's a blank profile under her name with no content that I'm pretty certain is hers. When she initially contacted me a few year ago she made particular references to elements of my life that were on my FB pages, so I know she stalks me there. She also stalks me on a hobby forum that I post on.

I know everything I know about her because she got my phone number from my business website and texts me. I blocked her number so she got a new phone number and continued texting.

I can kind of handle her texting now - since I learned about BPD her hold on me has slipped 99% and I see her, the relationship and my role in it for what it was. But yeah, there are times when I look back and think why wasn't I good enough?

[Rayban]

Well, it's a mix of things. I think the heart holds on to the idolizing BPD. The one that love bombed, and maybe made you feel like she was the one. Obviously she wasn't.  Who she was is somone who drained your self esteem. This is what is causing you to be jealous of her husband. Your self esteem has been affected, making you feel that he has more to offer. He doesn't.  If anything, he's willing to put up with more then you did.  God knows what the poor guy is going through.  You have the right thinking  in that you are lucky having got away without marriage or children.  As hard as the breakup was,  it's nothing compared to being linked by divorce or children.

[antelope]

No, I've all but given up using social media as pictures of other people's dinner, kids, pets and political views drive me insane.

Because of her job she can't have a FB profile, but there's a blank profile under her name with no content that I'm pretty certain is hers. When she initially contacted me a few year ago she made particular references to elements of my life that were on my FB pages, so I know she stalks me there. She also stalks me on a hobby forum that I post on.

I know everything I know about her because she got my phone number from my business website and texts me. I blocked her number so she got a new phone number and continued texting.

I can kind of handle her texting now - since I learned about BPD her hold on me has slipped 99% and I see her, the relationship and my role in it for what it was. But yeah, there are times when I look back and think why wasn't I good enough?

good enough... .for what?

apparently you continue to have some type of relationship with her (texting)... .why?

[GuySmiley]

good enough... .for what?

Good enough for her. Truth is I know I was good enough - too good to be honest. But that doesn't stop me from feeling second best.

apparently you continue to have some type of relationship with her (texting)... .why?

Same reason the rest of us do. Intense heightened emotions. Addiction. She was my first girlfriend, my first love - there'll always be a part of me that wants her for that reason alone. Whoever I do end up with (if anyone) won't have been my first choice - and for that reason alone I'll always feel I've settled seeing as I didn't get my heart's desire.

[CorsaG19]

Good enough for her. Truth is I know I was good enough - too good to be honest. But that doesn't stop me from feeling second best.
Same reason the rest of us do. Intense heightened emotions. Addiction. She was my first girlfriend, my first love - there'll always be a part of me that wants her for that reason alone. Whoever I do end up with (if anyone) won't have been my first choice - and for that reason alone I'll always feel I've settled seeing as I didn't get my heart's desire.

Damn... .this hits close to home. Ive just realised this will be the same for me. If i ever get with someone again they wont be my first choice. I will be settling. Because my ex will always be the one i truly loved the most and lost.

Wow... .how sad is that

[Skip]

It's a dialectical dilemma, we wall face these in life. Many struggle when they do.

A starting point in solving a dialectical dilemma is to stop seeing two things (your example) as contrary to each other or mutually exclusive and except that they can both be true.

Trying to decide which is valid, sends us on a never ending cyclical journey... .



1. She was beautiful, engaging, sexy, passionate, attentive.
2. She was jealous, manipulative, liar and a cheat.

1. She was engaging to you in a romantic relationship.
2. She was engaging to her husband in a marriage.

1. You gave of yourself fully in the relationship and say a future.
2. She was gave partially to you and partially to her husband.

I think you get the point.

The hard question to ask yourself is what was the attraction to her that you loved and that trumped the bad things (married women, poor character). Has it changed your priorities going forward.

Think about this.

When you roll through all of this you may conclude things differently, like I'm not be jealous of a her husband because he is in a marriage will he will always worry about infidelity.

Is there any part of this you can grab onto, personally, and start the process of creating your own "wisemind"?

Wisemind is our first tool in our master toolbar at the top of the page.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/triggering-and-mindfulness-and-wise-mind

[GuySmiley]

Oh yeah, I completely understand and agree with you and what you say, hence the title 'I know I'm better if out of it... .'. I know she's a liar and a cheat etc and leopards never change their spots - I know she's emotionally cheating on her husband with me and God knows who else (perhaps, perhaps not). I know he's in for a hell of a ride, she admits she's difficult to live with and she says he has a drinking problem (related? Perhaps).

I know I'm better off out of it. I am 1000% better in my own mind than I was 14 months ago, I'm completely rational about her now. But there is always still a tiny kernel of immense sadness inside, like a stone in my shoe.

[Skip]

Oh yeah, I completely understand and agree with you and what you say, hence the title 'I know I'm better if out of it... .'. I know she's a liar and a cheat etc and leopards never change their spots - I know she's emotionally cheating on her husband with me and God knows who else (perhaps, perhaps not). I know he's in for a hell of a ride, she admits she's difficult to live with and she says he has a drinking problem (related? Perhaps).

I know I'm better off out of it. I am 1000% better in my own mind than I was 14 months ago, I'm completely rational about her now.

This might be a problem... .

Your logical bubble (the one to the right) has made a "con list" and that is what you are reciting here.

But, deep down, you don't believe it. And this causes all kinds of problems with future relationships.

• You probably do not have a realistic image of a women that will please you and give you a healthy relationship (if you're looking for a fuel efficient car that does 180 miles an hour, car after car will disappoint you).
• Your might not be fully emotionally available when the right women comes along

You logic is denying the "pro list". There are significant pros that drive you toward this girl. It will help to put those forward and balance out the pro and con list. See that pro list will tell you a lot about yourself - possibly some unrealistic or mutually exclusive expectations.

And all of this denies your emotional bubble, the thing that connects you even after all these years and her marriage.

If you can balance these, you will find peace and get on a better path.

It's not easy, but at least remember that this is part of the process.

[GuySmiley]

As far as not having an unrealistic image of women, I understand why you'd say that, but I do have a realistic image - it's just that none of the women I've dated since have given me the intense high and excitement that BPD did. The relationships were fine, just not, well, intense. They were normal. Correct. Well balanced. And that's all well and good.

But here's the thing, BPD relationships are turned up to 500% and so we know that's not healthy, but they *are* intense and passionate. Once you've had that, anything else, a healthy relationship, seems muted. Seems sensible. Seems like you're approaching it from a business-like angle.

Surely nobody wants that. Surely we all want to feel excited and passionate again. And I don't mean specifically target BPDs (because who wants that again?) but how *can* you feel passion and excitement and wild abandon and all the things we want from a new relationship if you're constantly aware that you're going into a new relationship that mightn't be exactly what you want, but it's a good, healthy sensible match?

I am emotionally unavailable, that's correct, but I'm also working on my own boundaries for the first time in my life - I've started saying no and ending relationships when I've noticed red flags - so there's progress there.

But I am also waiting to feel that spark again. That excitement. That romance. That instant attraction. Otherwise what's the point? It's all so dry. Are we meant to give up on those things when we get older just to settle for sensible?

[cubicinch]

I am also waiting to feel that spark again. That excitement. That romance. That instant attraction. Otherwise what's the point? It's all so dry. Are we meant to give up on those things when we get older just to settle for sensible?

Same here... I'm on the market, dating again... Last week I said no, because she just didn't have the spark, as much as she was into me, she just did nothing for me. The PD partner is something else, but even vanilla, there has to be something. The trick is creating a balance. Of course it can be done, can be found. It's interesting though, maybe it takes something out of the ordinary to create that energy. But I still come back to the word balance.

[roberto516]

Same here... I'm on the market, dating again... Last week I said no, because she just didn't have the spark, as much as she was into me, she just did nothing for me. The PD partner is something else, but even vanilla, there has to be something. The trick is creating a balance. Of course it can be done, can be found. It's interesting though, maybe it takes something out of the ordinary to create that energy. But I still come back to the word balance.

Yeah after the first BPD I turned alot of good women away. I didn't feel it. Then I found someone who seemed pretty healthy, but she had the decency to end it after a month or so because she didn't feel it. That set me emotionally to be found my by recent BPD ex. But I'm in the same boat. Not to brad or anything. But I'm a pretty good looking guy. I have empathy, am funny, and very respectful. Many women have come during and after relationships. During relationships I tell them right away in conversation how great my girlfriend is (even though she was emotionally abusive to me) because I don't want them getting the wrong idea.

But I fear I won't feel that "spark" with anyone else unless they are BPD. I know in time it will come. And if it doesn't then oh well. I was actually saving so much in my 401k and other stock accounts so that I could allow her to retire early since she doesn't save money. On the plus side, maybe I'll retire when I'm 50-55 now and be single with a nice little home and a couple dogs. There isn't anything wrong with that. Not a dang thing.