Please talk me out of it

[tossmeawaytoday]

I am sure my story reads like a lot on here. I am ashamed to post. My dealings with a pwBPD is minor compared to what a lot have suffered with on this board.

I have been recycled 10+ times over the past 5 years. I am 41 and she is 27 (red flag #1).

Currently, I am 3 days out of walking away after she screamed and yelled at me for not paying her light bill in her apartment. I agreed to do so. I went over to her place and she just was rude cold and mean. Screaming at me, calling me names, etc. Everything was my fault. This is after 2 weeks of pushing me away and I started to call her out about it. My suspicion is she has a new man in her life and I am no longer needed (for now). This story has been repeated several times. I am almost numb from it. However, I am REALLY itching to contact her right now and try to get my source of feeling needed back. I think I have a bit of narcissism (undiagnosed) and from what I understand is that narcissist and BPD feed off each other.

Some background. She was hired by me over 5 years ago. I am a successful CEO whom she saw some power with and I am sure big money. She was the most beautiful woman I have ever been around. She was electric. She put on her best face and I took the bait. I will admit I did pursue her in the beginning (BIG MISTAKE - I know better than to get involved with employees, but I couldn't resist). The first year was amazing. Some of the best memories, experiences, being put on a pedestal, worshipped. I was her mentor so I thought.

About a year later, it all started to change. She got cold, distant and shady. This was her first time splitting me black. It ended in me firing her for horrible performance at work and threats/extortion attempts. I got my attorney's involved and paid her a healthy severance to leave without much of a scene.

Over the next 4 years, I went back to her each and every time. She ALWAYS came back with the best love bombings and sex. It was my fix and it pacified me temporarily. However, each time, I couldn't let the thought of her cheating leave my mind. With every new man she left me for, I would get more and more jealous and broken down. My ego was ruined. My confidence crushed. It was like she knows how to defeat me.

My life has always been about winning, achieving and being successful. This one single woman has crushed my spirit, manipulated 40k in cash out of me over the years. Tons of gifts and travel. Paid for her apartments, bills, etc. I keep going back to her so I just maybe can fix her this time. Just maybe make her happy by taking her somewhere nice. I try talking to her until I am blue in the face. Hoping just maybe she will understand my side.

I am currently in therapy because of her. My confidence and self esteem at an all time low.  I have developed anxiety and depression. I am a shell of my former self... .But I can't stop thinking about her. I can't stop looking at my phone to see if she texted me. I want to reach out to her so bad. I have never been successful with NC. When I block her, she finds a way to get in front of me. She knows a lot about me and getting hold of me is easy for her.

I firmly believe I am just as damaged as she is. I feel co-dependent and weak. My therapist has helped some. I feel like this woman has rewired my brain.

[roberto516]

Welcome my friend. She has rewired your brain. It's am addiction. But you did right to come here and share. Your situation is similar to all of us. I'm 4 days NC and feel alright.

Don't be so hard on yourself though. They take our strengths and turn us into these weak beings. We do allow it and that's where therapy will help. But the only way to beat an addiction is to go through withdrawal. If you want to PM me and talk more I'd be happy to help you through your cravings right now.

[Rayban]

It's time to step off the roller coaster. You've token inventory of the damage she's done. Contacting her will just prolong the misery. Sure it's exciting. The ups, downs, the sex, I get all that, but it's time to let her go and use your energy on rebuilding.

[help4all]

I can relate to so many of your experiences and also feel rewired from it. My interactions even covered a longer period of time since kids were involved, and because of them I took the abuse to protect them, which was probably not the best example to set, but they did see my love and commitment to them.

Being that you don't have children, I encourage you to not make that contact, you may miss out on some amazing times but it won't be worth more hurt and pain.

Forgive yourself, forgive her, and find the self that you lost in the process.  Good Luck.

[happendtome]

It is hard, i know, like also others here know. I wanted to reach out too and i did it also, but after some months i started to ask from myself what does it give to me. Nothing.
Of course i didnt want to hear my logical answer at first, but i kept asking that same question from myself over and over. What does it give, where does it take me? The only answer what made sense was that it will give me temporary satisfaction.
Like Roberto said, its addiction. So i had my answer. Now i started to analyze is it (temporary satisfaction) worth it what im doing. Nope. You lose your energy at first and after that you may pretty much lose everything in your life. It will suck out all your resources and im not talking about financial resources, but most importantly mental resources. I have seen so many old people who are tired. Their life has been nothing else than the battle. You (and everyone else too) will have to come out of it. Or else you will become another BPD. I will better be alone than let people abuse me.
Btw, i havent blocked my ex. I understand that there are cases when its needed, but blocking also shows to them that deep inside you are weak. So they get triggered. Just dont show any interest. If she asks something say simple "im sorry, but thats not my life anymore". Nothing else. You dont need to explain her anything. She made her choices and you made yours.