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Author Topic: One moment I resent her, the next moment I miss her intensely - 3  (Read 2471 times)
FallenOne
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« on: April 20, 2017, 01:37:07 AM »

Just doing some ruminating today and I remembered an event that happened in July of 2014 that, in my mind, is proof of the craziness...

I remember in the beginning of July, 2014 she was in inpatient mental health (she checked herself in this time) and I went to visit her during visiting hours. I was sitting next to her, just talking about general stuff, and I remember saying to her ":)o you wanna talk about it or do you just wanna let it go?" (in reference to an argument from a few days prior, and apparently the reason she chugged two bottles of wine and checked herself into the hospital) and she immediately replied with "You just wanna let it go! You wanna sweep it under the rug!" to which I replied "No, I'm asking you. I'm asking you if you wanna let it go. I didn't say I wanted to" and she cut me off and said "Please leave! Just get out!" and then at that point I started getting angry and said "What the f**k? I'm just trying to talk to you. I didn't even do anything." and she said "of course, you never do anything! Just get out or I'll have the workers escort you out!" so I said "Fine, then I'm leaving. Don't call or talk to me then."

So, I got up and walked out. The next day I tried to call her and when she answered the phone she just said "nope" when she heard my voice and hung up.

When she got out of the hospital, she immediately blocked me on facebook and broke up with me.

I called her and pleaded with her not to leave me, and she was as cruel and cold about it as you are all aware of I'm sure... She accused me of breaking up with her in the hospital.

Over the next month, we had some low contact, and then suddenly she went NC and decided it was a good idea to start f**king one of her ex's from years ago.

After a week or two with him, she was on the phone crying and asking for forgiveness...

All of this sh!t simply because I asked her if "She wanted to let it go?"

Unreal... .
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stimpy
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« Reply #1 on: April 20, 2017, 03:57:26 AM »

and she cut me off and said "Please leave! Just get out!"

In very similar circumstances... .me wanting to discuss some argument we had or something hurtful she had done, I got "just leave"... .as in just leave her flat. I can still hear her saying it to me. Or alternatively, she would say how upsetting it is for her that I am raising these things and she would just shut down. It would be ANYTHING to avoid actually talking about how she had hurt me. So me asserting my boundaries was met with total avoidance, a complete refusal to engage.

I think two things were coming out from her side, one was that she absolutely couldn't face that she had done something bad and would do anything to avoid having to face that, and secondly she found it necessary to assert control of the situation and either shut down (silent treatment) or chuck me out.

Then later the whole thing would be reconfigured in her brain, and she would become the hurt party, the victim and I would be the abuser! I wasn't gaslighted much, but this would happen as well, and history would be completely rewritten to make her look good. Looking back it was extraordinary to leaps and bounds and behaviours and actions she would take to avoid being held accountable. All to avoid facing me and just having a conversation to help us understand each other and help improve the relationship going forward.
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FallenOne
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« Reply #2 on: April 20, 2017, 04:07:49 AM »

It's unbelievable isn't it?

My ex did the same thing... She could not stand to even hear about something she had done wrong... If I started to point out how she hurt me or explain to her how her behavior was unacceptable, she either got angry and left, or started crying and saying "stop making me feel like sh!t!" "you just wanna make me feel like sh!t!".

She pointed out my mistakes on a regular basis... And that was fine...

But god forbid I point out any of her mistakes or wrongdoings... She just couldn't handle that at all.

Me pointing out her mistakes was me just making her feel like sh!t, but her pointing out my mistakes was well deserved punishment towards me... .
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cubicinch
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« Reply #3 on: April 20, 2017, 04:38:32 AM »

It's unbelievable isn't it?

My ex did the same thing... She could not stand to even hear about something she had done wrong... If I started to point out how she hurt me or explain to her how her behavior was unacceptable, she either got angry and left, or started crying and saying "stop making me feel like sh!t!" "you just wanna make me feel like sh!t!".

She pointed out my mistakes on a regular basis... And that was fine...

But god forbid I point out any of her mistakes or wrongdoings... She just couldn't handle that at all.

Me pointing out her mistakes was me just making her feel like sh!t, but her pointing out my mistakes was well deserved punishment towards me... .
my ex gf was very self centered as well... she would spend too much time thinking things over and what would emerge was that it was always someone elses fault, or couldn't address her own failings, and you certainly couldn't point them out to her. If she had a melt down at me usually over something quite trivial, and usually because she herself had failed to do or remember, she'd blame me. When corrected, she'd just go quiet and quickly move on.

Sometimes it felt like she almost gained a sick pleasure from pointing out my failings or inadequacies! She was better than everyone else, and didn't suffer fools gladly. In a very immature way, all her things and likes were always better than mine; quite deluded. She cared very little about other peoples' feelings as a result of her own actions, yet sometimes could be thoughtful and caring. Very hard to deal with.

Also, after reading her dating profile: no baggage or hang ups over the past...    she was on one hand carefree, no love or broken hearted, easily available, yet totally broken by childhood and adult relationship experiences. She had no problem telling me about the abuse and manipulation most of her previous partners had dished out, and of course, how sh!t they'd made her feel about herself.

They are all about ME, despite how they might appear, or what they say, no matter how much they think they love you or what you. They do, but it's only for their own feelings, it's a different type of love, more of a need or a want.
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FallenOne
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« Reply #4 on: April 20, 2017, 04:44:41 AM »

She cared very little about other peoples' feelings as a result of her own actions, yet sometimes could be thoughtful and caring.

Yes! She (at times) was very sympathetic and empathetic about the misfortunes of others (including myself) as long as it wasn't because of her or anything to do with her... .
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stimpy
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« Reply #5 on: April 20, 2017, 05:11:49 AM »

One of the differences I'm starting to get to the bottom of is that if I brought something up with her - it would relate to a particular incident, something specific that she had done that was hurtful to me. Something that happens between almost all couples and needs to be talked about to move on and resolve any conflict.

But her criticisms of me were never about a particular incident or something I'd done, it was a blanket attack on me, my character or personality. So I got things like "too sensitive", "cant help my character", "pillock" but never something I had done. And coming back to some earlier posts, to send someone away - the "just get out" or "just leave" or refuse to talk to them, is a blanket dismissal of me, of who I am.

So, this has only just occurred to me... .so what she was doing wasn't blaming me... .for something I had done, but trying to SHAME me for who I was.

And shaming is very different even to blaming. Shaming is a really horrible thing to do to someone... .to criticise who they are.

What a frickin horrible experience I and so many of us have been through.
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cubicinch
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« Reply #6 on: April 20, 2017, 05:32:35 AM »

she would say others had no sense of humour... .as if that justified her being an insulting, unpleasant person with poor social skills.
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FallenOne
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« Reply #7 on: April 20, 2017, 05:37:47 AM »

she would say others had no sense of humour... .as if that justified her being an insulting, unpleasant person with poor social skills.

She could dish it out but couldn't take it. She could criticize people, but not handle any criticism towards herself... She would make jokes about others, but would get angry at jokes directed at her...

This pretty much goes for everything... Pretty much anything that she did or did to others, was unacceptable if someone else did it.

Cheaters were bad, but she cheated. Liars were bad people, but she lied all the time. It wasn't okay to flip out on her, but it was okay for her to flip out on people...

Maybe the biggest hypocrite on the planet.
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cubicinch
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« Reply #8 on: April 20, 2017, 05:38:55 AM »

Yes! She (at times) was very sympathetic and empathetic about the misfortunes of others (including myself) as long as it wasn't because of her or anything to do with her... .
what I found with this, was that my ex GF would sympathise with anyone going through difficult relationship times or abuse, because in her won words, she had been through it herself, and she was good at giving others advice but could never seem to sort her own life out... big clue there! Very good at sympathy over someone else causing the issues and being supportive. She even does it to her grown up son who appears to be even worse, a big PD but she said it was always his mates getting him into trouble, or his GF causing the rows. It was never that the lad was a complete mess and couldn't keep out of trouble or hold a job down. As much as I miss her, I'm also relieved I'm out of it all.

My ex actually seemed to be happy to be the person she is, and had no regrets of the life she's been through, saying it's made her the person she is now... .one hell of a mess.
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cubicinch
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« Reply #9 on: April 20, 2017, 05:44:24 AM »

She could dish it out but couldn't take it. She could criticize people, but not handle any criticism towards herself... She would make jokes about others, but would get angry at jokes directed at her...

This pretty much goes for everything... Pretty much anything that she did or did to others, was unacceptable if someone else did it.

Cheaters were bad, but she cheated. Liars were bad people, but she lied all the time. It wasn't okay to flip out on her, but it was okay for her to flip out on people...

Maybe the biggest hypocrite on the planet.
yes, pretty much. High moral standards, yet they actually didn't exist in reality; all just words. Her father quoted her sister as not being able to believe most of what comes out of her mouth. Either lies or just shallow words.
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earlyL
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« Reply #10 on: April 20, 2017, 05:45:50 AM »

It is the no responsibility that I cannot get my head around during the discard. But I spend a lot of time thinking was she really like that in the relationship. I just didn't see it. I have spent time recently with mutual friends, and that has been hard, but it has also helped each and everyone has told me they always thought my exBPD was self centred and two people said strategic. I didn't even feel they were saying it to help me, they genuinely felt that about her. It has caused me a lot of pain, looking at why I fell in love with someone so selfish. Her cruel behaviours at the end, someone asked me if I ever thought she would be capable of hurting me so much and I said no. It really does feel as soon as I was painted black, in order to help with her shame for cheating I suspect.

She did seem able to be sympathetic to other people, though. About two weeks after I found out she was cheating she came home and told me she had met a mutual friend who was having a hard time in their relationship - but it was getting better because they were talking. I was stunned, perhaps if we had talked she may not have had an affair. But she couldn't see the connection, she was happy for our friend they were sorting things out, despite me going through the most painful experience. It was like she had no feelings for me at all.
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happendtome
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« Reply #11 on: April 20, 2017, 06:02:52 AM »

Im sorry to hear this earlyL. But dont count too much that what she said at the end (relationship that got better with talking). It may have been just justification. She could now say that you didnt bother to talk, so it was all your fault. Thats cruel, when they leave us they still make it look like they were victims.
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cubicinch
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« Reply #12 on: April 20, 2017, 06:21:25 AM »

Im sorry to hear this earlyL. But dont count too much that what she said at the end (relationship that got better with talking). It may have been just justification. She could now say that you didnt bother to talk, so it was all your fault. Thats cruel, when they leave us they still make it look like they were victims.
Absolutely. They are free to say what they like. Mine avoids her father and step mom because they know without saying that its really her fault. So she can't go to them for a shoulder to cry on anymore. She'll just vent to the next victim that she idealises off POF.
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CorsaG19

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« Reply #13 on: April 20, 2017, 02:00:32 PM »

Absolutely. They are free to say what they like. Mine avoids her father and step mom because they know without saying that its really her fault. So she can't go to them for a shoulder to cry on anymore. She'll just vent to the next victim that she idealises off POF.

My ex is also a POF fiend. Apparently its her way of 'making friends'. Now i see it was her way of lining up the replacements. She was honest that before me she would go from one girl to another just to feel something. She would tell me stories about these girls and how they had hurt her or they were too clingy etc. Never something she had done. Now i see the real reason why none of them stuck around.  I saw a message she had sent one of them once... .saying it hadnt worked out with me (we were seeing each other at the time) as i was 'too nice' and 'too nice is too boring'.
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FallenOne
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« Reply #14 on: April 24, 2017, 05:17:44 AM »

My ex is 25. Diagnosed when she was 18. Showed signs/symptoms and behaviors since she was 14...

When she told me she was out sleeping with people at the age of 13 and 14 and having a kid at 16 I honestly felt disgusted by her... .
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AustenJ
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« Reply #15 on: April 24, 2017, 12:22:46 PM »

My ex, as far at I know never got pregnant in high school, but was on birth control. She talked about servicing high school boys in the back seat of her mother's SUV and started having anal sex as a sophomore in high school because according to her, she was so hyper sexualized, that that was her viable option when she was on her period. If I had to guess, she probably did get pregnant but had an abortion... .but being from a strong Catholic family, I'm sure there was a double dose of shame.

As a 26 year old she has not been on birth control for a number of years... .the sex, of course, is still impulsive and reckless (no condoms), but now she uses the morning after pill like candy.

She also said her family's nickname for her growing up was "faucet" because she cried so much... .
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cubicinch
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« Reply #16 on: April 24, 2017, 04:20:01 PM »

My ex is also a POF fiend. Apparently its her way of 'making friends'. Now i see it was her way of lining up the replacements. She was honest that before me she would go from one girl to another just to feel something. She would tell me stories about these girls and how they had hurt her or they were too clingy etc. Never something she had done. Now i see the real reason why none of them stuck around.  I saw a message she had sent one of them once... .saying it hadnt worked out with me (we were seeing each other at the time) as i was 'too nice' and 'too nice is too boring'.
totally agree in my ex gf case, she had no friends! Only her ex from 3 years back who she is still using and controlling. A dating site is a way to reach out, you can portray yourself as something you're not, until you get found out, then you bail as quickly as possible before you get the negative feedback or abuse. You can repeat this endlessly, just to get some feeling of being wanted or attractive; it's the only way. My ex could not go out and be social enough, it was a big effort, a front. Even whenI went out with her during our short attempt, it seemed like an effort and a 45 year old woman who just didn't seem to know how to date or how to behave with someone. She's gone straight back on.

It's very very sad to see someone so caught up in themselves and so much inner turmoil. you reach out, hand of friendship and what they crave, yet all they do is push you away.
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cubicinch
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« Reply #17 on: April 24, 2017, 05:43:32 PM »

someone has made a comment in V1 of this thread I think which has hit a massive chord with my experience, and I would like to know if anyone else has experienced the same trait:

my ex GF seemed to have trouble interpretting things like text messages, trouble just discussing things which involved listening to someone elses views. She said she liked me so much because I always talked and explained things at length so she could follow and understand. When I spoke to her though, it seemed she had poor social skills and would never give eye contact as I spoke; she would stare upwards into space. So she was missing out on important visual clues about the person being spoken with. Has anyone else ever seen that? 
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AustenJ
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« Reply #18 on: April 25, 2017, 07:35:29 AM »

cubicinch-

It's like talking to a 4 yr old... .no attention span. Ping pong balls are bouncing around in their brains, they have no focus unless you are telling them how wonderful they are... .staring off into space was very common for mine
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In a bad way
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« Reply #19 on: April 25, 2017, 08:00:36 AM »

Staring into space is easier for them, it was her way of avoiding reality and also avoiding an adult discussion. She was incapable of an adult discussion, it was either silence or verbally rip me to pieces with nastiness.
Long before I heard of BPD I used to think it was like trying to communicate with a badly behaved child who only saw it her way, so verbally attacking me was all she could do.
Sometimes I thought the staring into space was her planning her next attack.
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AustenJ
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« Reply #20 on: April 25, 2017, 09:25:42 AM »

In a bad way-

Not only was she planning her next attack, but she was communicating with the mothership 
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In a bad way
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« Reply #21 on: April 25, 2017, 09:51:52 AM »

In a bad way-

Not only was she planning her next attack, but she was communicating with the mothership 

LOL,
I would hate to think what aliens would think of the human race if she was their first point of contact.
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cubicinch
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« Reply #22 on: April 25, 2017, 10:04:58 AM »

it is like trying to deal with a child isn't it? Emotionally immature and socially inept.
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In a bad way
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« Reply #23 on: April 25, 2017, 10:21:28 AM »

it is like trying to deal with a child isn't it? Emotionally immature and socially inept.

You see this is one of the things I thought long before I had heard of BPD.
It all fits except mine didn't cheat, even things like her relationships with her children and her parents and friends, her neighbours and her work people.

I actually thought I was barking up the wrong tree comparing her to a naughty badly behaved child, but the more I read the more I know I was correct.
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cubicinch
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« Reply #24 on: May 31, 2017, 11:54:48 AM »

You see this is one of the things I thought long before I had heard of BPD.
It all fits except mine didn't cheat, even things like her relationships with her children and her parents and friends, her neighbours and her work people.

I actually thought I was barking up the wrong tree comparing her to a naughty badly behaved child, but the more I read the more I know I was correct.
Their emotional development went off track and didn't develop at some stage of their childhood; they learnt coping strategies, hid things rather than face them/process them. That's where they've stayed. To re-educate them, from what I've read can be done but a huge lengthy task.
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cubicinch
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« Reply #25 on: September 25, 2017, 11:16:45 AM »

You see this is one of the things I thought long before I had heard of BPD.
It all fits except mine didn't cheat, even things like her relationships with her children and her parents and friends, her neighbours and her work people.

I actually thought I was barking up the wrong tree comparing her to a naughty badly behaved child, but the more I read the more I know I was correct.
Their emotional development went off track and didn't develop at some stage of their childhood; they learnt coping strategies, hid things rather than face them/process them. That's where they've stayed. To re-educate them, from what I've read can be done but a huge lengthy task.
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« Reply #26 on: September 25, 2017, 11:37:29 AM »

What's so interesting about all this is all the shared experiences! 

-- the shaming!  I never thought of it that way, but the shaming hurt more than the blaming.  And I look back at the things she tried to shame me about "Oh you just want people to like you"  "Oh you need time to yourself" "how could you say that to me!"-- shaming me as a bad person.  And I'm not!  Anyone else would say I have a big heart.  Just craziness.

-- never her fault.  I could never ever bring up a criticism without her going nuts.  And not a big criticism, just like "please don't scold me" or "you're not listening to me".  And All I would get is "YOU DESERVE BETTER!  GO GET BETTER!".  When I brought her to meet my sisters, I told her I felt she was teasing me a bit too much and thought I saw some eye rolling by my sisters.  SHE SULKED THE ENTIRE PLANE RIDE HOME -- like it was my fault.  When I went for reality check from my sisters they were like "yeah, she was pushy.  She told us it was her way or the highway"  I was like she did?  Imagine saying that to a mate's family and not getting some kinda eye roll back. 

-- like a child.  She dressed like a child.  She thought like a child.  Her daughter balanced her check book.  Her sister gave her her car.  Her parents gave her excuses.  Her ex boyfriends had taken care of her property, cooked for her -- even though they were apparently evil too.  I was the biggest sucker boyfriend of all.  Before I knew about BPD, when she was scolding me about something I would always find myself saying "you're such a child!  Just think this through with me"

But I loved her and I still miss her.
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