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Author Topic: The thought of her with someone else is killing me.  (Read 1340 times)
Freeatlast_1
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« on: September 19, 2017, 10:27:14 PM »

I don't know if other people have that much trouble with this idea. I know my friends say I shouldn't care since it's over and it was a bad R/S anyway, and I should be celebrating she is someone else's burden now. Well in theory, I agree with them. But in reality, the thought of her with someone else is killing me. I feel it's a lot of ego based entitlement but the pain isn't less or easier because I realize that. How can she forget me and we were so close? We were enmeshed a lot of the times, not healthy but we thought we were soulmates. Now someone else is in her bed, doing what we used to do. If that's not incredibly painful I don't know what is. What do people do to handle this idea? How can we get over these thoughts? I am great at blocking my thought process but the pain is so deep that it comes back to haunt me. How do people even handle infidelity? Is it me that I think it's a debilitating concept or is it common that it debilitates everyone.
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PaticAttack

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« Reply #1 on: September 20, 2017, 02:28:53 AM »

This is something I struggle with ALL the time!  I cant stand it.  The way we kissed, holy crap, shes kissing someone else like that.  I drink, I dont want to but its either beer or my head against the wall.  Sorry to be negative, but I feel very alone in this feeling.  I do not have the answers you seek, as I am seeking them myself!
Its so hard!
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Lost-love-mind
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« Reply #2 on: September 20, 2017, 06:19:37 AM »

It will get better. I'm 3 mos out of a short 2 no. R/s with a gorgeous blonde 10 yrs younger with sexy eyes. The love bombing was unbelievable. The kissing and caressing, ... .
The thoughts of her with someone else?
Well, it's time to retrain your brain.

 That guy is gonna eventually discover he is with the conduit from hell.
If you can't get visions of her "turn ugly" stage , find a movie where the woman turns into a serpent or other deplorable creature while making love and think of the next guy. Plenty of Hollywood trash with those scenes.

Or maybe not?

Maybe she found the perfect love?
Chances are better at a LV craps table, but be happy for her.

Stay away from her FB and other social media. Don't go near any of her hangouts.
And MOST IMPORTANTLY, find someone else and look for the red flags of BPD to prevent the same mistake.
Good luck.

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« Reply #3 on: September 20, 2017, 08:01:43 AM »

Ive only just recently discovered that my ex wife has BPD, and have only been gone from the Apartment since August 16th of this year. She is with a guy she calls only a "friend", which kills me because I KNOW they are NOT just friends. I actually go between understanding this disorder to "is this even real?"  

But the love bombing stuff, I think the only way we can stop thinking about it is to letting go by way of distraction (Movies, internet, talking to friends etc). The one thing that I personally cannot seem to shake is her having no remorse at all, or even thinking about me (missing me). I knew there were issues with her, but now come to find she might have a disorder that will not allow her to have human remorse or logical thinking? So she will just go love somebody else to "fill a void" when I cannot even imagine dating anyone right now. Without sounding stupid, its as if she is not even human. It just feels that way.
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Mutt
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« Reply #4 on: September 20, 2017, 09:51:48 PM »

Hi Freeatlast_1,

Excerpt
I feel it's a lot of ego based entitlement but the pain isn't less or easier because I realize that. How can she forget me and we were so close?

Regardless of what others think, you cared about her, you were in a r/s together. I can relate, I was going through a smear campaign and it was an emotional barrage. A mutual friend was the manager in our building, she left a few months later and I never heard from her again, she is still friends with my ex. Anyways we were married and she was having an affair and she said "Mutt I wouldn't wait around, she doesn't stop talking about him, I know what love is, she's in love" I'd run into her and she was just glowing and I was knee deep in pain. I was flabbergasted that it didn't phase her friends that she was cheating, but they only knew one side of the story.

You still have work to do  Freeatlast_1, I suggest work on detaching, talk about what you feel like here with us. Hang in there.

The five stages of detachment  Bullet: important point (click to insert in post)
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Ironman85

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« Reply #5 on: September 20, 2017, 10:18:41 PM »

I don't know if other people have that much trouble with this idea. I know my friends say I shouldn't care since it's over and it was a bad R/S anyway, and I should be celebrating she is someone else's burden now. Well in theory, I agree with them. But in reality, the thought of her with someone else is killing me. I feel it's a lot of ego based entitlement but the pain isn't less or easier because I realize that. How can she forget me and we were so close? We were enmeshed a lot of the times, not healthy but we thought we were soulmates. Now someone else is in her bed, doing what we used to do. If that's not incredibly painful I don't know what is. What do people do to handle this idea? How can we get over these thoughts? I am great at blocking my thought process but the pain is so deep that it comes back to haunt me. How do people even handle infidelity? Is it me that I think it's a debilitating concept or is it common that it debilitates everyone.

I am right there with you. My ex of almost 8 years, 6 year anniversary in a couple weeks... .left me and literally a week or two later, had my replacement in living with her after he moved accross the country. And those thoughts come to mind often. Its what often hurts the most, those special moments and connections, with someone else.

But I find what seems to help me personally, is remembering that it is a hollow illusion, they have no soulmates, they dont mean the same when they say "Forever". Its a part of the script they follow to get what they want. Adoration and Butterflies... .every day... .always... But remember, as much as they are having a good time now, the day will come when this new person is in your place(hurting and remembering), and your ex will move on to the next (hopefully not you, run). And she will repeat this cycle until it catches up too her one way or another.

It is hard to accept that what you believed was not real... .but they are good at this, they know what to say and how to say it to lock you. We were all locked into this at some point, and it seems alot of people here are further ahead than you or I in the healing, so we will get there.

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Harley Quinn
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« Reply #6 on: September 22, 2017, 11:44:59 AM »

Excerpt
Now someone else is in her bed, doing what we used to do. If that's not incredibly painful I don't know what is. What do people do to handle this idea? How can we get over these thoughts? I am great at blocking my thought process but the pain is so deep that it comes back to haunt me.

For me, mindfulness.  Mindfulness is about kindness, compassion, non judgement and acceptance. 

Thoughts are not facts and we can choose which thoughts (if any) we hold onto and which we allow to float by like clouds in the sky without hooking them and reeling them in.  It take practise and from what you say here - you are good at blocking your thought process - it sounds like you're resisting the thoughts?  What we resist persists.  The key is to allow the thoughts to happen, acknowledge them and let them go by.  Say something like, 'ah, I notice I am thinking about my ex' to yourself, then let it go.  Don't judge or attach importance to the thought any more than you'd attach importance to the thought about which shirt you should wear tomorrow.  It's just a thought.  The thing is, you don't KNOW what she is being like with this person.  If you're guessing at this, imagining scenes, you're simply torturing yourself.  These thoughts are not facts and you're suffering by holding onto them. 

When the emotions arise, allow them in.  Don't fight, judge or try to push them away.  They will pass more easily.  You are going to feel pain as this is a painful experience you are going through.  We can't escape that or push it down without doing ourselves damage.  The only way out is through.  Allow yourself to grieve the loss and heal.  Keep sharing - we're here with you.

Love and light x 
       
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« Reply #7 on: September 22, 2017, 12:10:12 PM »

Well it doesn't help to keep talking about it. LOL

You need to remember that they attached themselves to you because you are an awesome person. When you heal from this you will find another person that captivates your attention like they did only without all the bad stuff.

I remember what it was like, the fear, the hurt, the anxiety and stress over those fears but I can tell you as bleak as it looks her leaving me was the best day of my life and I would never have believed it at the time.

Focus on the positives. For me, I am currently with someone I can joke with. My ex never had a sense of humor it was doom and gloom 24/7.
Someone that apologizes when they are wrong or mean.
No more abusive words.
Free to make my choices instead of catering to someone else.
To be completely accepted by someone
For me a huge one was love being a two way street.

We were out one day doing something boring with the kids, I was walking alone looking at my phone kind of not paying attention to the world. My current gf runs up behind me, jumps on my back for a piggy back ride, throws her arms around me, Laughing and smiling, kisses me on the neck and just holds on.

That moment right there meant everything to me. Told me everything I needed to know about this relationship.
For me, I had never gotten a random expression of love and happiness from my BPDx in 10 years. It was always my job to pursue her.

You will be happier than you were and you don't have to deal with the bad stuff anymore.
I chose to focus on the bad when I started having the thoughts you are having. It is a choice to feel that way, and it gets easier to make the choice the more you practice it.
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Angel3287

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« Reply #8 on: September 22, 2017, 12:20:48 PM »

Hey Freeatlast,

Totally sympathize with what you're feeling at the moment - it's tough. It truly does make you feel like you meant nothing to them and, while for some that could be helpful in detachment, that has not been the case for me.

As everyone has commented already, it is true that this will get better in time and you will forget a bit every time another girl gives you a bit of attention or a wink. It'll remind you that your ex wasn't and isn't the only one and that, perhaps, she was removed from your life for a reason.

My recommendation is to spend time with people who value you and make you feel loved. Yes, I understand it's not the same kind of love but it will do wonders nonetheless. Also, taking up something new has been really helpful for me so you might want to give that a try.

Instead of sulking over her, make yourself a better version of you for yourself first and then for the next lucky lady to come around.
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flamingspiral

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« Reply #9 on: September 24, 2017, 09:46:26 PM »

I'm on this wagon as well.

From what I heard from a friend, she recycled her ex who she used in conversation to put me on the 'perfect' pedestal, probably a week or two after cutting me out.

In a very painful way, it does give me some degree of closure, and helps with not gas-lighting myself.

The Chameleon:
Apparently they went rock-climbing. She would go on and on about how she hated rockclimbing, and how perfect our hang-out time was. Emphasizing how her ex would avoid emotions by rockclimbing all the time. Emphasizing how grateful she was that we could be cozy and talk transparently for hours. I'm an artist. Suddenly she idolized the idea of making art together... .etc.

-The Vampire:
Driven by her need for validation and 'love', she engaged me while in the death throes with her ex. When she disengaged with me, went back to him for her fix. All makes sense now. That poor sucker is getting recycled and brainwashed, after all the s*** she would talk about him. Can't imagine the degree of distorted rationalizations she's been using in the process; how twisted her recollection of us must be to recycle him after saying she loved me and all the other extreme intimacy.

The Delusionist:
An illusionist would be deliberate, and act with intent. She really did believe the crazy crap she would say in the moment. So I dub the word 'delusionist'.
Saying she loved me. Obviously, if you go from 'love' to NC in a week flat then on to recycling an ex, that is NOT by any measure indicative of love. Love is constructive, forgives, and reconciles. Love does pull the rug out, offer no solutions or constructive effort, then condemn me for panicking and trying to fix it while she needs space to put us on the chopping-block.
Claiming she wanted independence and wanted to break her cycle of serial-monogomy, but felt we were too special to pass up? Sure, part of her wanted that. But the 'Vampire' won't let her, leaving her stuck in a cycle of seeking and inviting intimacy and validation, then running from it.

I guess my point with all this, is that if you can't stop torturing yourself and ruminating, you might as well use the torture to build up your rationale. To figure out their patterns and fallacies. To use the anguish as a way of permeating the lessons we all must learn in order to avoid putting ourselves in these kinds of minefields again.

Articulating the chaos has helped me: writing down my thoughts helps cease the ruminating temporarily. In my head, it's a tornado of heartbreak. On paper, it makes much more sense, and each time I write my thoughts down, they become easier to let go of, and the whole situation makes gains more clarity. When I start suffocating in despair, I can pull out my notes and read the reality of it, and breathe.





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Lost-love-mind
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« Reply #10 on: September 25, 2017, 04:46:05 AM »

FlamingSpiral
Grateful for your ruminating brain and it's ID of exBPD.
I will never know if my exBPD was with someone else. (no common friends and social media is a blank).
I can only surmise, but keep with my mantra "who cares?".
Her mind was destroyed from many emotionally negative impact incidents from her past relationships e.g. paternal, maternal, ex-husband's, drugs, etc...
My turn to fix myself and my mistakes and move on.
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flourdust
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« Reply #11 on: September 25, 2017, 10:26:46 AM »

The Chameleon:
-The Vampire:
The Delusionist:

I guess my point with all this, is that if you can't stop torturing yourself and ruminating, you might as well use the torture to build up your rationale.

I guess I don't understand how this helps. Creating a story to explain how your ex was a monster ... .or an entire league of super-villains with colorful names ... .doesn't get you any more ready for future relationships. If she was all of these horrible things in one package ... .well, aren't you the guy who agreed to be bound to her? Wouldn't it be better to figure out why you did that so you can prevent making the same mistakes again?
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Freeatlast_1
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« Reply #12 on: September 25, 2017, 11:16:08 AM »

I guess I don't understand how this helps. Creating a story to explain how your ex was a monster ... .or an entire league of super-villains with colorful names ... .doesn't get you any more ready for future relationships. If she was all of these horrible things in one package ... .well, aren't you the guy who agreed to be bound to her? Wouldn't it be better to figure out why you did that so you can prevent making the same mistakes again?

Thanks guys for all your support. I am aware of her weaknesses and issues and I can’t say she never loved me, because in that moment she did. Like she is loving someone else for this moment. It hurts me the same because I care about her anyways and it’s about how I feel that I can’t seem to control. My heart is taking over my mind and it’s very hard to control the heart. Sometimes I wish I can Quiet my heart for a week or 2 until my mind gets some power. Dating hasn’t been going well for me because I’m not vulnerable and I am emotionally unavailable to them. I can’t have rebounds sex even if I tried. When I had the heated convo With my ex last week I got so mad at her I told her I’m dating someone already. I was at for that week! Then I bailed on her. Now my ex thinks I’m in a relationship. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. At this point I want her back and I can’t imagine living my life without her. I won’t contact her cuz last time I did we cursed and yelled and punched each other verbally by shooting all the insecurities. I don’t want to hear her so disregulated. I just hope I heal it’s so hard
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