Two years out, struggling recently

[Depression = 72% of members]

I haven't been on the boards a long time and I haven't posted in a very long time. I broke up with my undiagnosed BPD over two and a half years ago. I spent a good year working on myself and rebuilding my life. I have a Great life now. I have a great job, family, and significant other who treats me with respect and loves me. There is no drama, no ups and downs, and no crazy. I can see and live a life without BPD in it now and it is unbelievable. No looking over my shoulder. No waiting rage. My thoughts and feelings count. I feel free and I laugh all the time. I have everything I could ever want. My life really has fallen into place.

Why then do I all of a sudden  find my mind full of thoughts of my exBPD?  Why do all of a sudden do I miss my exBPD so much?  I am so angry right now. Furious that I am back to here. It's been over two years. I have everything I could want. Why is the exBPD even in my thoughts?  And I am so angry at my exBPD. I figured I should write here to get it out. I am angry with all the lying, cheating, and hurt. I just can't believe someone would do that to someone else. And it pisses me off that they just go on with their life like it was nothing  and leave me here with an empty feeling.

[willtimeheal]

I haven't been on the boards a long time and I haven't posted in a very long time. I broke up with my undiagnosed BPD over two and a half years ago. I spent a good year working on myself and rebuilding my life. I have a Great life now. I have a great job, family, and significant other who treats me with respect and loves me. There is no drama, no ups and downs, and no crazy. I can see and live a life without BPD in it now and it is unbelievable. No looking over my shoulder. No waiting rage. My thoughts and feelings count. I feel free and I laugh all the time. I have everything I could ever want. My life really has fallen into place.

Why then do I all of a sudden  find my mind full of thoughts of my exBPD?  Why do all of a sudden do I miss my exBPD so much?  I am so angry right now. Furious that I am back to here. It's been over two years. I have everything I could want. Why is the exBPD even in my thoughts?  And I am so angry at my exBPD. I figured I should write here to get it out. I am angry with all the lying, cheating, and hurt. I just can't believe someone would do that to someone else. And it pisses me off that they just go on with their life like it was nothing  and leave me here with an empty feeling.

[Insom]

I go through this, too.  Have you noticed a pattern to your thoughts?

[Pretty Woman]

I remember you, Friend. You were on these boards when I was struggling the worst.

I too am two years out and in the same situation. I have a great, loving partner and yet I think about my ex everyday.

Is it liveable now. Yes. But I too wish she didn't occupy one thought.

I know for me, I struggle with anger. Not only did this relationship affect my personal life, it screwed with my job. I work with her sibling and let's just say I am very ostracized at work. Not by bosses but by others who have even tried to set me up to get fired (a fact).

At the worst of this all, when I was suicidal, I confused inbsomeone at work. I should not have done this but I was not myself at that time. This person told my ex's sister and she thinks I'm the Devil. I should. Ever have brought her personal life into work but at the time I was struggling. I thought I was going nuts.

Of course my ex's sister is just as irrational as my ex so I cannot approach her. It just sucks. There are days I want my ex to fail just to feel some justice for all I went through because I loved her.

[bus boy]

Hi willtimeheal, maybe it's part of the healing process. I'm 2 years out and today I was feeling lots of anger, the exact same way you described yours. I'm trying to figure it out as well, I really don't have much more than that to offer only that your not alone.

[willtimeheal]

Thanks for the replies. It helps knowing I am not alone. I just hate how I allowed this person to mess with my head. Maybe I am not even angry with my exBPD. Maybe I am angry with myself. Angry that I stayed so long even though I knew better.

Insom the only pattern I notice is there is no drama in my current relationship. For some reason. I don't feel this is normal. We have been together for about 17 months and we compliment each other perfectly.

Pretty Woman, hey girl.  How have you been?  We did get through some tough times. I agree and I like how you stated that... .it's livable now.  I would like it to be gone and I hope one day it will be a distant memory.
I am sorry it has moved into your workplace.  It is hard enough to deal with the trauma these folks unleash but then to have it filter into your work life too is just unfair. It's lime  just never go away. Hang in there  girl.

Bus boy... .thank you. It's nice to know I am not alone. Hang in there and hopefully at some point we can both figure this out.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey willtimeheal, Presumably you still have work to do in order to detach fully from your exBPD.  It seems like you have angry feelings that remain unprocessed.  Instead, those feelings remain submerged.  Your task, in my view, is to bring those feelings to the surface and let them pass through you.  How to process?  Everyone is different, but you could try writing in a journal, discussing your feelings with a close friend or family member, seeing a therapist to talk about it, taking a walk in the woods or on a beach, playing a musical instrument or doing art, or getting exercise.  You get the idea.  See what works for you.

LuckyJim

[ArtistGuy70]

It is quite normal, my friend. I realized recently that after six years, she has been coming into my thoughts and dreams. It's hard to totally forget a person who mirrors you. Reflects in that mirror what you want to see about yourself, as well as what you desire in a partner. Someone who builds you up. Tells you the most loving things you ever wanted to hear. Their actions, however, never match their words. The fantasy girl you always wanted is hard to vanquish from your mind. The fantasy girl may be gone (and good that she is) but the dream will always be there for us. It comes from our childhood. What we did not receive in our early years, we want now. And what better way to get that than through a loving partner?

Be kind to yourself. Still work to be done, friend.

[willtimeheal]

Ugh. I hate that there is still work to be done. It seems like the damage will never go away. That they will always remain lingering in my life.
I have learned volumes about myself. I have grown and I really like and love the person I am now. I understand how I got here and how the time with the exBPD helped shape and get me here. I am here now. I spent four years in therapy. Two while we were together and two after I walked away.
I hate that she occupies even a fraction of my mind. Ugh!

Thank you everyone do  your responses. Keep pushing through!

[Gear Jammer]

I was in the same boat its been almost 2.5 years I've moved on with my life, it takes a long time to recover from the damage they cause but you do eventually pull out of it. You have to keep in mind you can be happy again, she will never be no matter who she's with.

[lovenature]

I am 1 year and 4 months out and can identify with how they can still affect you. We must never forget just how serious a mental illness BPD is, and continue moving forward one day at a time, accepting our thoughts and feelings and letting them go. Always look at the overall of life.

[willtimeheal]

The last couple of days have been better. That ks everyone for your thoughts and words. It really blows my mind when I really look at how much my exBPD messed with my mind. I can't believe I am still fighting this battle. Blows my mind.

[happendtome]

I think that the reason why we struggle is because the relationship ended so dramatically. Usually relationships end more natural way, slowly vanishing away, both parties know that they have done all whats possible and... .and its the end. Now here, with BPD-s, it all is much different. The relationship was brutally cutted and we are left with deep wounds. So it takes time.
However, i see problems in ourselves too. So many people go and find quickly some rebound relationship. This is not healing, imo. You dont have to hurry, go slow. Dont start dating too soon. Give some time for yourself