Advice on asking to give it another chance

[ACP]

 And I have been separated for almost a year now. She keeps giving me hope by things she does or says.  In January she told me she had a boyfriend. At the end of February she called me in the middle of night to tell me she was moving in with him. She called crying and she wanted me to find out from her before I found out elsewhere. She stressed to me that she was just moving in with him to survive and told me over and over that she doesn't love him, she doesn't love anyone but me. She repeated this to me many times. The rest of the phone call consisted of her telling me to move on and forget her, pretend she is dead because I would be happier without her.  She also told me she still loves me, she misses me, she wished we were still together at our house, she wished we tried longer and she misses my family. We did not have much contacts after that but her boyfriend is very possessive and she was scared of him knowing we had contact.  I will skip ahead even to more recently.  We saw each other and she just talked to me as if we had never been apart so I asked why she wanted to see me and she responded because I am the only person that understands her and the only person she can be herself around, she is tired of being fake and if just for a little bit she wanted to be herself because she has to be fake around everyone else.  In a more recent phone conversation she acted the same and when we got off the phone I texted her asking since she has a boyfriend why does she still contact me. He response was because I was the best friend she ever had, because when she talks I understand her, because she feels alone, and because she is drowning.  Most recently her boyfriend freaked out and she is moving out. There is also another woman there that is moving out due to this freak out as well. She called me for help. She always calls me when she needs help.  We have not spent time together in a very long time when it hasn't been an emotional time. I believe if we were to just spend time together and do happy fun things she will think differently about our relationship. How do I go about telling her I can't continue to only see her at the bad times.   I always want to help her but I need to see her in times where we can have the enjoyment together. She is in the process of moving out of this place  tomorrow I am going with her to get a storage unit for her possessions until she finds a new place to live. She is very vulnerable right now so I don't want to bring up this right away  but should I tell her that I can't continue to see her unless we can see each other in a positive light or should I just try and wait to see where things go.   She knows 100% that all I want is to be back together with her. There is no confusion on that. So basically should I give her an ultimatum  or should I just see where things go and if she will see me more during positive times and give the ultimatum if she only contacts me for help? I believe she does still love me but is afraid things will just go to where we left off.  It was both our doing. We started dating in 2003, living together in 2004 and married in 2009. She is everything to me because we have a connection that I don't see in any of my friends relationships. We were each other's everything but irresponsibility led to extreme stress which led to our breakup.  We really are two peas in a pod and enjoy everything about each other. We do complete each other in a sense that the things she isn't very good at i am and vice versa and we are able to always help each other and be better.  We enjoy all the same, think the same, understand each other on a level that we don't need to say anything, have the same morals and life goals. We dreaded being apart, hated bachelor and bachelorette parties because we were forced to and would text each other all night saying it would be so much better if the other one was there. We were just very irresponsible with money  and ended up losing our house which devastated her and even though we are both to blame she does blame me  because she is very old-school in the sense that a man should take care of his woman. So any help anyone?   If it works I will forever be in your debt. If it doesn't I appreciate it regardless.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

It has to be so painful what you're going through, ACP. It sounds like things are not going well with her boyfriend and she needs a backup while she adjusts to live with out him?

Is she breaking up with her boyfriend, or is this a temporary split?

Regardless of what is going on, I doubt that being a doormat is a role that will work out well for you. People tend to treat us the way we treat ourselves, so if you want her to respect your boundaries, you will have to respect them first. I know it's hard -- the heart wants what it wants.

Tomorrow when you see her, it's probably best to not discuss the relationship like you suggest. Give her space. Help her minimally, and then leave before things get heavy.

Right now is not the time for neediness, not while she is like this.

Not easy, I know.

[ACP]

 She doesn't need a back up to it just living without him. She's been with him for three months and lives with him for two because she got a victim from her last place not pain.   I believe it is a complete split she told me and other people that she is just going to be nice to see you and get her things out of there because he might freak out and trash them but she said when she is out she is not going to give him the time of day. Even  well she's been living there they've broken up many times in the two months. I knew this relationship would last because he is an extremely controlling person and so is she.    I have no clue why she was even interested in him because when we were together if I were to even be friends with this man she would've told me I was crazy and he is scum. I really believe she is in self-destruct mode right now.  I didn't end up seeing her by the way, long story but she is talking to me every day and just to talk.

[Dusi2591]

ACP,
She was in a relationship with someone else and during that time was telling you She loved you and so on. Ask yourself is that something you'd do?
If you are like me the answer is no. My ex and I had the world in common and shared the same morals and everything just like you and yours. Now shes with someone else who doesn't share my morals or my interests but  you'd think she has the world in common with him. She mimics her partners many others do as well. What you get from her is her version she shares with you. She probably shows someone you don't know to him.
What I can tell you is being in love with some with a personality disorder is hard and we don't choose who we fall for but we can choose what is healthiest for us I think if you look at this critically you may see just as I have her morals and interests were more just yours then hers. I doubt you'd do much of what shes done to you which shows the difference in morals alone. I'm not telling you to give up though because then id be a hypocrite as I still have hope to be with mine again but I do realize its probably not healthy at all but love isn't logical now is it?
Have a good one Man

[ACP]

hey Dusi 2591,

Yes she does show someone i don't know to him.  im not sure if i referenced it but a few weeks ago we met up and i asked her why and her response was because i am the only one she can be herself with, she is tired of being fake around everyone and wanted to see me so that even if it was just for a little bit she could be herself. as for morals, what we think and what we do can be different. she is sick and she justifies everything to herself as just trying to survive.  all i want to do id help but i cant until she is ready to accept it.  thanks for the concern. 

[GD39]

"... .and her response was because i am the only one she can be herself with, she is tired of being fake around everyone and wanted to see me so that even if it was just for a little bit she could be herself."

And as much as you want to believe that, let me tell you, I have heard almost the exact same words. Makes you wonder how many times and to how many people they have used that line.

[ACP]

I don't. She's said that to me for a long long time and I do see it.