Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 02:38:49 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
99
Could it be BPD
BPDFamily.com Production
Listening to shame
Brené Brown, PhD
What is BPD?
Blasé Aguirre, MD
What BPD recovery looks like
Documentary
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Advice on a kind response?  (Read 367 times)
Larmoyant
Guest
« on: April 28, 2017, 12:58:55 PM »

I actually spend most of my time on the detaching board as my relationship is over, but I've just received an email from my ex and I would like to respond in a kind way. Maybe someone here can advise me? I posted on detaching, but it occurred to me that maybe this might be the better board for advice.

I ended the relationship in January 2016 and what followed was a heartbreaking year long, completely confusing, break-up. I haven’t seen him since April 2016. The last time I heard from him was several weeks ago. He left a message, but when I called back he didn’t pick up so I let things be.

My heart used to race whenever I heard from him. I was so shell-shocked, traumatised from the push/pull, the rages and devaluation, but I'm much calmer these days. He sent me an email tonight and included a link to a song he played me when he asked me to get engaged. He wrote:

We both know it's over now.

You can say what you will, but I know you let us down.

I couldn't have tried harder and I loved you deeply.

All the best L. Be tough and loving. Try to transcend from time to time.


I didn’t let us down and in fact tried hard, too hard to make it work, put up with unbelievably cruel things. Gave up on myself and lost a lot. He, of course, doesn’t see that. He seems to be blaming me, "I know you let us down". He’s saying goodbye to me again too. “All the best” is a favourite line of his when he says goodbye to me. I’m not sure what “be tough and loving” means and what does he mean by “try to transcend from time to time”? Transcend what?

I’d like to respond, not to defend myself, not to argue that it was him that let us down, not to invalidate his claim that he couldn’t have tried harder or that he loved me deeply. In his way I think he did love me, sometimes. He also hated me sometimes.

I'm still hurt. Still battling serious depression which seems to be winning lately, but still I'd like to be kind now. I think he’s feeling sad. I'm feeling sad. We both lost out.

Can anyone help me out please? What is a kind response?
Logged
PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

JohnLove
*****
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 571



« Reply #1 on: April 28, 2017, 07:47:41 PM »

Hi Larmoyant.


We both know it's over now.

You can say what you will, but I know you let us down.

I couldn't have tried harder and I loved you deeply.

All the best L. Be tough and loving. Try to transcend from time to time.



My BPD translator:

1. We BOTH know? This suggests he is either telling you how you feel or he is baiting you. Smells as if seeking to see whether you have anything left to supply him... .to pick the bones, so to speak.

2. You can say "what you will"... .very dismissive, seems like he isn't even interested in hearing a word you say. Now he KNOWS you let us down. Master baiter alert!

3. ?... .we can all try harder but trying too hard may be one of his issues and possibly he did Love you in his own way. I would caution into buying into it as true love. Again. All smells like bait.

4. "All the best" has absolutely zero sincerity with intimate partners. There is a clue. Be tough and loving sounds like he is givng you his idea of good advice to move forward and carry you through life... .you know, without him.

Try to transend from time to time I found really insulting when your intention is only to respond to this with kindness. Are you trying to kill him with kindness?... .it won't work.

To transcend in this context is to enlighten the mind, to be better than your original self, and to be the bigger person... .again he KNOWS you can't do it but asked you to try anyway... .see where this is headed?

He is baiting you for a response, the only question is are you going to comply with what he wants?

Honestly the "kindest" response is probably no response.
Logged
Larmoyant
Guest
« Reply #2 on: April 29, 2017, 11:54:04 PM »

JohnLove,

Thank you for taking the time to help me decipher this message. It really helped seeing it through different eyes and I haven’t responded. So many good points.

I think it was the song that blindsided me. It was playing when he asked me to marry him and triggered lots of emotion. I made the assumption that he was feeling sad as well, only re-reading the message he sounds more combative.

You're right about him telling me what I think and feel too. It used to be a source of much frustration.

As for “all the best”. Those three little words are emotionally loaded for me. He used them over and over when he said ‘goodbye’ to me. In true BPD fashion pushing me away only to come right back again. I detest those words. They are dismissive and they hurt.

Excerpt
. Are you trying to kill him with kindness?... .it won't work.

Lol, maybe I am. I initially assumed he was feeling like me, sad, but realise I was projecting my own feelings onto him! I immediately went into caretaking mode (codependent) wanting to be understanding, but it's me that needs the understanding. I probably want him to show me some kindness. I’m looking in the wrong place. They’ll be no response from me.

This really helped, thank you.
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!