New to this- trying to navigate how to help my BPD partner

[Philosopher99]

Hi.
I'm a person with a lot of experience with anxiety-related psych issues, because that's what I experience, but I have very little experience with BPD and the related symptoms. I've been in a relationship for about 2 years with a wonderful person who I have lived with for about one year now. Although he is taking antidepressants and used to see a therapist, he is not managing his BPD symptoms, and doesn't seem very aware of the havoc he is wreaking.

It took me over a year to realize the signs and the patterns of this behavior. But now I witness weekly examples of HIS behavior such as:

-Feelings of isolation, boredom and emptiness
-A persistent fear of abandonment and rejection, including extreme emotional reactions to real and even perceived abandonment
-Intense, highly changeable moods that can last for several days or for just a few hours
-Strong feelings of anxiety, worry and depression
-Impulsive, risky, self-destructive and dangerous behaviors
-Hostility
-Unstable career plans, goals and aspirations

I especially struggle with the unstable emotions, because it's hard to feel trusting when things feel unpredictable and alienating.

I don't know where to go from here. I have finally realized that this is the problem, I'm reaching out to couple's therapists now and will encourage him to search for his own therapist as well, but I still feel scared and like I don't know what comes next.

Can you help someone get treatment? Is there hope for my relationship? Is there hope for me, that we can have a healthy relationship where I also get my emotional needs met? Will he ever be able to take care of me and make me feel safe? Is it futile? I want to feel like I can trust this person and have stability in my relationship, but there is so much instability and reactive behavior that it feels very hard. Any support, stories, or advice from people who have been in my position? I would be so so appreciative.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Mutt]

Hi Philosopher99, 



I'm sorry for the late reply, I'd like to welcome you to the group. I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult time in your r/s it must be hard for your anxiety.

Can you help someone get treatment? Is there hope for my relationship? Is there hope for me, that we can have a healthy relationship where I also get my emotional needs met? Will he ever be able to take care of me and make me feel safe? Is it futile?

To answer your question about trying to get someone in treatment, generally they have to want to get help for themselves and you're right, it also depends on how self aware that they are, everyone has different levels of self awareness. Here's another suggestion, BPD still carries a heavy stigma in the 10's, depression and anxiety are more widely acceptable by people, I think that I heard on the radio the other day that they're going to start talking to school kids about depression where I live. Most people with BPD have an underlying clinical depression, you could suggest that you think that he might have depression and anxiety and that might make him go and see someone.

Many of us have been in your shoes, I wanted my partner to change too in our r/s but change doesn't come from someone else, changes comes from us, when we change how we respond that changes the dynamic of the r/s. He has social impairments, I want to show you something. 

Feelings of isolation, boredom and emptiness
-A persistent fear of abandonment and rejection, including extreme emotional reactions to real and even perceived abandonment
-Intense, highly changeable moods that can last for several days or for just a few hours
-Strong feelings of anxiety, worry and depression
-Impulsive, risky, self-destructive and dangerous behaviors
-Hostility

If you had all of these intense feelings, how difficult would it be to think about other people, you need to put yourself in their shoes but if you have a lot going on inside, it's really difficult to think about what someone else needs when you're feeling anxiety, depression, intense feelings. Things can change but I just wanted to make sure that you know that it's going to come from you when you're in a r/s with a pwBPD.

Before You Can Make Things Better, You Have to Stop Making Things Worse

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Philosopher ,

Welcome to the boards! I hope you can find the support that you need here. There are lots of ways that you can begin to work on yourself and learn new ways of communicating with your pwBPD. He may never seek treatment or even acknowledge there is a problem, but even if not, you could get some counseling for yourself so that you can work through how to handle the emotional roller coaster that comes with living with someone with BPD.

We have a lot of workshops that you can find on the right side of the page. THis is a great place to start learning more about BPD and tools to help you along the way.

[Sluggo]

Philosopher99,

Great insight by Mutt.  You can only change the way you respond.  I found it helpful when I embraced the realization about the behavior of the loved one... .

I did not cause it
I cannot control it
I cannot cure it

But I can control on how I respond to it. That I could not figure out on my own.  I needed a psychologist/counselor to help me see reality as it was and not how I was seeing it through the filtered lens of a personality disorder.  Also to deal with all my emotions that came from it.