Six years after the breakup. Still work to be done.

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It's been a long time, friends. I wanted to post this here for anyone willing to read. Even after six years, there are still wounds deep down. Mine, since childhood (which resurfaced in my relationship with my BPD ex girlfriend). Those wounds of my "lonely child" were ripped open when I was smacked in the face of reality. Her mask coming off. And seeing myself as I truly was, as well.

Long story short. She was my love for five years. My muse (I do art on the side). My best friend (or so I thought). I was truly in love with the false visage. What she wanted to be for me with that lovely mirroring. What I fell in love with was myself (just as all of you are going through this now). I fell in love with my own image in that mirror. What I wanted to be and what I craved from a partner in a relationship. It took me a long time to come to these realizations. I caught her cheating with her married, older boss. Apparently it had been going on throughout our relationship (and for almost ten years before I even met her). She would get gifts, money, etc. I broke it off. She tried to get my attention, my reactions online. I ignored her. As hard as it was. One minute she would write how she cheated on every guy in her life. The next she was making me out to be the villain for the world to see.

The good out of this situation? I stopped getting into relationships and did.a lot of introspection. Why did I ignore the red flags? Why did I blatantly ignore her actions? Her distorted thought process. I looked inside of myself to find my own wounds and learn from them. I deleted her from my artistic works. Concentrated on creating new art. I now have a thriving art business. Doing shows all over the country. Signed some big contracts over the last year. I understand much more about myself.

The bad? The wounds are still there. They will be there for life I suppose. I have had dreams about her lately. I made the mistake by looking her up online. Still single it seems, sleeping with various men. Her boss back with his wife. I felt like I took a step backward. Once again, I need to examine myself. I still avoid getting into a healthy relationship like the plague. Still attracted to the same type of woman: Oversexed. Submissive. Using her sexuality as a tool. A woman who wants to build me up. I then realize what is going on and retreat to my alone space. Diving into my art again in solitude. Still work to be done on myself it seems. I am grateful for a place like BPD family. It feels good to be back.

Chin up my friends. It does get better but it takes a lot of work. And still work to be done.

[ArtistGuy70]

It's been a long time, friends. I wanted to post this here for anyone willing to read. Even after six years, there are still wounds deep down. Mine, since childhood (which resurfaced in my relationship with my BPD ex girlfriend). Those wounds of my "lonely child" were ripped open when I was smacked in the face of reality. Her mask coming off. And seeing myself as I truly was, as well.

Long story short. She was my love for five years. My muse (I do art on the side). My best friend (or so I thought). I was truly in love with the false visage. What she wanted to be for me with that lovely mirroring. What I fell in love with was myself (just as all of you are going through this now). I fell in love with my own image in that mirror. What I wanted to be and what I craved from a partner in a relationship. It took me a long time to come to these realizations. I caught her cheating with her married, older boss. Apparently it had been going on throughout our relationship (and for almost ten years before I even met her). She would get gifts, money, etc. I broke it off. She tried to get my attention, my reactions online. I ignored her. As hard as it was. One minute she would write how she cheated on every guy in her life. The next she was making me out to be the villain for the world to see.

The good out of this situation? I stopped getting into relationships and did.a lot of introspection. Why did I ignore the red flags? Why did I blatantly ignore her actions? Her distorted thought process. I looked inside of myself to find my own wounds and learn from them. I deleted her from my artistic works. Concentrated on creating new art. I now have a thriving art business. Doing shows all over the country. Signed some big contracts over the last year. I understand much more about myself.

The bad? The wounds are still there. They will be there for life I suppose. I have had dreams about her lately. I made the mistake by looking her up online. Still single it seems, sleeping with various men. Her boss back with his wife. I felt like I took a step backward. Once again, I need to examine myself. I still avoid getting into a healthy relationship like the plague. Still attracted to the same type of woman: Oversexed. Submissive. Using her sexuality as a tool. A woman who wants to build me up. I then realize what is going on and retreat to my alone space. Diving into my art again in solitude. Still work to be done on myself it seems. I am grateful for a place like BPD family. It feels good to be back.

Chin up my friends. It does get better but it takes a lot of work. And still work to be done.

[heartandwhole]

Hi ArtistGuy70,

Welcome back and thank you for updating us. Congratulations on your professional success—that sound very exciting!

I can relate to what you have written about some wounds still rearing their heads many years later. I think we all have sensitive spots that are part of our makeup that may well stick around for life. I don't know if that's true, but I do know that if that is the case, I am happy to have learned tools to take care of myself when those early wounds are poked again. Trusting that I am capable of soothing and caring for myself makes it less scary to put myself in situations where that is likely to happen, too.   

I tend to withdraw when I'm scared or stressed, so I understand your wanting to go toward solitude and your art. I feel that I am always learning, too. For me, the goal is not to "get rid of" those sensitivities, but to accept them and watch as they transform and leave. Or not. Either way, I'm learning what to do when those wounds flare up, and that has made a huge difference.

Why do you feel you took a step backward? Because you looked up your ex. online? How did you feel?

heartandwhole

[Mutt]

Hi ArtistGuy70,




We think that in order to be happy we have to be paired up with someone, I wanted to heal as quickly as I could and get back on the horse. Your ex is the opposite, she goes from one r/s to the next never pausing to self reflect. I think that it's good to take a break and get to know yourself, be comfortable with being alone, be comfortable with yourself.

We all carry pain ArtistGuy70, do you think that seeing her just triggered some feelings? Nothing more, nothing less. Maybe you just need some more time behind you?

[ArtistGuy70]

Thank you for your responses. Yes, looking her up was a step backward.

Actually it all started months ago. I was sitting in Panera, relaxing and working on a piece on my Mac. In walks her married boss she cheated on me with. 25 years her senior. Rich guy. With his wife! When she found out about his infidelity, she kicked him out I heard. Looks like they are still together all these years later. My ex's delusion was never filled (she would go online to get my attention by calling him her "hubby"... .how he was going to leave his wife and they would get a place together, give her. a baby, etc.). Looks like it never worked out for her. So, after seeing them (they sat at the table right next to me!) I got curious and checked her Facebook. I guess I have some happiness knowing that it never worked out for her. No baby (with anyone). No rich guy to take care of her, etc.

But, yes. It did reopen old wounds. Stupid me.

[Mutt]

Hi ArtistGuy70,

But, yes. It did reopen old wounds. Stupid me.

My ex lived in the same city as me for just over a decade, she bought a house with my replacement and they moved out of town, whilst keeping a secret from me. She doesn't like shared custody and she thinks that i'll just give her what she wants. Anyways the move triggered some pain, nut it was not the same kind of pain that it was when we first broke up and I could also function, whereas I could barely function after the split. My point is, I think it happens to many of us, the pain is just different and we don't return back to that state where we were sufferi &ging from an emotional wound. Don't beat yourself up.

[ArtistGuy70]

Hi ArtistGuy70,

My ex lived in the same city as me for just over a decade, she bought a house with my replacement and they moved out of town, whilst keeping a secret from me. She doesn't like shared custody and she thinks that i'll just give her what she wants. Anyways the move triggered some pain, nut it was not the same kind of pain that it was when we first broke up and I could also function, whereas I could barely function after the split. My point is, I think it happens to many of us, the pain is just different and we don't return back to that state where we were sufferi &ging from an emotional wound. Don't beat yourself up.

You're right. Grazie. I need to let myself up off the mat. I got knocked down again (by myself).

[Insom]

Hi, ArtistGuy70.  Similar story here.  I moved on from my BPD guy many years ago (we met in our teens)  but periodically his image comes to me in dreams and triggers a spate of memories and introspection.  I also work in a creative field.  One of the things I've noticed about these dreams and subsequent trips down memory lane is how they tend to come during periods of stuckness or struggle in my creative work. 

It sounds like you are doing very well.  But I am wondering if, for you, there might also be a recognizable pattern related to your creativity?

[ArtistGuy70]

Hi, ArtistGuy70.  Similar story here.  I moved on from my BPD guy many years ago (we met in our teens)  but periodically his image comes to me in dreams and triggers a spate of memories and introspection.  I also work in a creative field.  One of the things I've noticed about these dreams and subsequent trips down memory lane is how they tend to come during periods of stuckness or struggle in my creative work. 

It sounds like you are doing very well.  But I am wondering if, for you, there might also be a recognizable pattern related to your creativity?

Well, I started off (with her, years ago) in the pin-up field. I became bored with it and slowed down a lot. She did not like that I realize now. Not the focus of my attention creatively anymore. I continued doing the pin up after her (which led to her really bad mouthing me to a lot of professionals I heard). I became bored again and moved into doing science fiction retro art and I sell at cons around the country. When I am doing it, I feel so good. But, she comes to mind when I am doing pin up sometimes (or am stuck creatively).

She got some kind of automated linkedIn email about me (something I was doing professionally... she was still in my contacts and the site sent it out to everyone). She emailed me full of hatred and anger. She said she never wanted to see what I was doing or even my name again. I just laughed.