Pain

[Peace41]

Hello,

I am brand new to this site and truly have no idea what I am doing, I am not even sure this will post. I am sadder than sad. I am defeated. I am frustrated. I am filled with anger towards my BP child to the point that sometimes the rage scares me. I am sick. I am tired. I am hopeless. Nothing has changed. Nothing changes. Perhaps I may receive two minutes of kindness - but my skin is crawling. I want to run. I want to hide. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. I am depressed. I read someone else's post a minute ago and I feel everything that person said. I am suffocating. I am in therapy - again. I do take medication from time to time to try to help with the tension I live in all the time.

What do I do next? I am in such despair.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi there peace

I'm so glad you've found us - welcome.

Everything you're feeling very unfortunately comes with the BPD territory. It's exhausting and challenging and devastating. I'm really sorry you're having to deal with all of this. I know how you feel and you've come to the right place.

Where do you start?  You've already started!  You made your first post and that takes courage.

It'd help us to know a little more about your situation.

How old is your child?

You say you're back in therapy, this is good news as you've recognised you need the support.

Do you know much about BPD?

Hugs to you
LP

[Peace41]

Hi Lollipop,

I am still lost here. I am not sure if this will reply to your post, I hope so.

Yes, I do know quite a bit about BP. My child is 30, returned home after several incarcerations, and suffers from a serious addition that is now being treated by a medication that my save her life - but effects her personality. An explosive environment is what we live in - unpredictable at all times. We (husband and I) never know what we are going to get when the bedroom door opens.

I believe you were the person who wrote about the hopeless? That is our life. Nothing is changing - nothing may ever change for our daughter. She may move out again some day but the suffering will continue.

I hope this makes it to you. No one else replied so I appreciate your response to me. I needed to know someone was out there. I have tried the TAM site but also met the same - a place to vent - but not a lot of response back.

Thank you for hug, hugs back.

[Lollypop]

Hi peace

I know what you mean about the reality of existence, sheer frustration at lack of change. This can go on forever but it's within our control. Take a look at Huats posts, she's wise. There's a way forwards for ourselves.

I post here often as I find it helps me stay steady. Today I feel lost and sad. I had a bad nights sleep and that's made me teary. I'll get through the day and be gentle with myself.

The suffering will continue until we decide to change the way we approach life. We can live happily, despite the problems. Maybe not every day for me the though! I'm work in progress.

I'm trying to find a way for my BPDs to be able to live independently. We want to retire and we have plans. He has to live his own life. I hope this is possible.

Is your daughter able to work?

What kind of things do you do for yourself?

Thanks for replying

LP

[Peace41]

Hi Lollipop,

She is on disability. She has too many problems for too much to change. She has been home almost a year now - with the exception of two weeks back in jail and court hearing pending.

Another small charge... .Too much time suffering for all of us.

For myself - well joy comes in the form of not so healthy habits - so I guess I would say joy with consequences - eating and gambling - both ways of escape and stuffing feelings.

Heading to work, I hope you find some joy in your day.

Hugs,

Peace

[Lollypop]

Hi Peace

I've been lucky so far in that there's been no trouble with the police.  I hope it doesn't turn out too bad for your daughter, any jail term must be really stressful. Do you think she learns from her mistakes?  

Does she live with you and did she do the disablement forms herself?

My BPDs26 hates forms, I used to help, but now leave stuff that he needs to do himself for him to do.  Once I stopped giving him money he then started to get casual work. It's honourable but he hasn't registered himself as self employed so isn't paying tax (he's against a capitalist society) or making any contribution to the state pension system (so he won't be entitled to any pension).  When the tax office finds out (and they will eventually) he'll be in trouble. Can you hear my frustration?

For myself.  

Well initially I started with a 14 day free ancestry account. I spent nearly two years ploughing through every leg of my family tree. I felt better when I was busy and learnt that I really like social history. I've since learnt that this obsession was a way of distracting my brain - a coping mechanism. I, of course, drank too much too while researching on my laptop which made it even more fun.

I've since replaced the family history obsession with an art course. I've gone on to higher education and am doing a full-time degree. It's basically heart rendering, angsty stuff and, as I'm a good problem solver (fixer!), I eventually get a piece of artwork at the end. I found a way of escape and expressing feelings rather than, as you've correctly point out, stuffing them.  I still drink more than is good for me and I could do with losing 50lbs.

I found this forum and I find I spent a LOT of time here. It helps me.

It's hard to take care of yourself. I got to thinking about this. There I was asking my BPDs to change when I wasn't willing to change myself. He's seen me trying and can see how I communicate better with him, he responded positively back.

Baby steps. Gently forwards.

LP

 

[Peace41]

Our daughter had signs of problems at 18 months - missed them - thought something wrong with me - we took tons of parenting classes, mediation, therapy for the whole family - years and years of this. She is a petty criminal - many mental health issues - on disability at least 8 years, many days, months, years in the county jail. I help with everything, paperwork, everything - it's not worth the struggle to try to get her complete them herself. Tried tough love, tried everything I can think of - only reason I finally came to this site from was the book stop walking on egg shells - think I am tired and depressed.

How much personal stuff should be posted here? I feel a bit nervous. I do appreciate you writing though - makes me feel less alone. I told my therapist about you.

Take care... .

[Mutt]

Hi Peace41,



I'd like to join Lollypop and welcome you to the site. I'm sorry that you're through a difficult time. You can share as much as you want, this is a safe place where you can share your thoughts and feelings without being judged or invalidated. Your thread title is "pain" it helps to share that pain with others that way we can all help to mend each other. I'm looking forward to reading more of your posts.

[livednlearned]

Hi Peace41,

I once read a quote that went something like, You are only as happy as your saddest child.

If you have a BPD child, that can be pretty sad indeed. I have also read an expert on BPD say that these are not difficult people, they are the most difficult 

So it's no wonder you feel so exhausted. I'm glad you have a therapist to talk to. 

Post as much as you feel comfortable sharing. 

This is a group that understands how challenging home life can be, and how much a heart can truly hurt.

You're not alone. We are here to walk with you.

 

LnL

[Peace41]

Thank you to everyone who has responded and offered kind and encouraging words.

Depression has me by the throat and does not want to let go. I am tired, so damn tired of the fighting, of the tension, of locking myself in my bedroom.

I have run out of strength and God help me, I have run out of any kind feelings for my child. I want her to move out of our home so bad. We are getting close to having police involvement again, only this time no "bad" drugs involved - only Suboxone that contributes to making everything worse - including her intelligence.

I am suffering. I feel funny sharing this but the amount of pain I am in from constant conflict and her never ending needs feels like it is killing me. I am sorry... .  I wish I had positive to share, some wonderful skill that would help us all - but I've got nothing.

I've read the book, I clicked on the tools, I've tried to watch the video, I'm in therapy, I'm in recovery (20 plus years thank God), but I can still barely breathe... .

I don't want my child dead - but I don't want her in my home - or even in my life anymore. It feels like her soul mission in life is to squash me like a bug. I know my recovery groups may say something like "I have to get off the pity pot" , but she wakes up in 50 minutes. She then will have an hour plus of chaos while she gets ready for her weekly medication visit, I will have two hours of "peace" where I will watch the driveway constantly for the medical transport vehicle to return, then the rest of the day - highly medicated - will be extremely unpredictable.

My adult child - at last diagnosis - has BPD, OCD,ODD, Bi-polar, Anxiety, Depression, and Addiction - to many things.

I don't know what to do next. I don't know where to go. My husband and I have actually talked about selling our home so we can move away - run away. Of course we can't, not quite old enough to stop working - but it's not as far away as it used to be.

Thanks for listening. I hope you all find some joy in your day. Me, I am heading for the chocolate.

[Mutt]

Hi Peace41,

Depression is tough  Have you talked to an MD about depression?

Depression: Stop Being Tortured by Your Own Thoughts

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Peace41]

Yes, many times. But from what I know - this is situational depression and until the situation changes - depression will be a part of my life.

Tension in the home before the medical transport arrives - going back to my room.

Take care.

[livednlearned]

I am suffering. I feel funny sharing this but the amount of pain I am in from constant conflict and her never ending needs feels like it is killing me. I am sorry... .  I wish I had positive to share, some wonderful skill that would help us all - but I've got nothing.

Peace41, I understand. I have felt that way before -- first with a uBPD brother, then a N/BPD husband, then in a different way with SO's D20 (uBPD with dx bipolar + psychotic depression) who lives with us for the summer. I thought I had escaped it, only to discover SO's D20 had BPD traits. I am still working through the grief.

The burnout rate for BPD carers is (according to what little research I could find) the highest for any mental illness  

It is not uncommon for BPD carers to develop PTSD.

It can be hard to think of solutions when you feel so beat up.

We're here to listen and walk with you.

You're not alone

 

LnL

[Emotions]

Hello Peace, I have read your posts and my story is a bit different, but my emotions and feelings are quite similar. I am dating a FBPD 25 and She has been tearing my spirit down since I have met her. We had a saying I love you always and forever no matter what. For 7.5 years I have said this and heard this saying from her many times. She wanted to get married and have children. I have resisted this because she just can't seem to consistently treat me with respect and or care. For example: at the moment we live apart in separate cities. Because I am not living with her she feels she can sleep around and cheat on me. She says I should follow her words not her actions. She tells me she wants to be with me, yet sleeps out and about 6 nights a week with other guys (I hear from her mom) it tears my spirit apart and I am having difficulty living like the positive person I once was. Thank you for sharing your story as it makes me feel less alone in this. Stay strong and focus on yourself as your love for yourself and husband as much as you can. Peace