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Author Topic: Which way should I go  (Read 691 times)
Olmate

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« on: April 30, 2017, 07:20:17 PM »

Hello All

My first post so please be gentle  

It has taken my wife and myself 5 years to get anywhere with the turmoil that has developed with our 27yo daughter. At first we thought she had an alcohol problem and tried a couple of rehab clinics here in Australia with no positive results.
After a lot of research I believed she had some kind of mental illness pointing towards BPD. After getting her permission to talk to her doctor we finally got an appointment with a psychiatrist who said she didn't have BPD but recommended DBT counseling.
She has had 3 sessions, the first 2 being meet and greet and get to know each other and the third session being DBT, since the DBT session five days ago she has been basically been in an alcohol coma only getting up for food and an alcohol top up. She has been doing this quite a bit in the last 8 or 9 months (new boyfriend) especially when my wife and I go away for the day or for a short holiday.

I'm sorry to hit you all with this but I'm starting to crumble under the pressure of what my daughter is doing to herself and what I should do. She has an appointment with the DBT councilor today and I have also arranged an appointment with a private inpatient rehab clinic, I'm not sure what to do, do I give the DBT a few more sessions to see how it goes or do I sign up for the rehab which is very expensive . The psychiatrist said shes using the alcohol to self medicate because of the BPD.

Again I'm very sorry to hit you with this first up but I don't want to spend everything we have plus more on rehab only to find we have gone about it the wrong way.

Thank you for your letting me be part of this forum

Many thanks

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« Reply #1 on: April 30, 2017, 10:50:21 PM »

Same psychiatrist changed his or her mind,  or did a second one say your daughter has BPD?

Substance abuse in combination with something like BPD is called a "dual diagnosis."

Unless the rehab clinic is set up to support a dual Dx, it may not help much in getting to the root of the issue.  Have you discussed with the P clinics which can handle this?
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« Reply #2 on: May 01, 2017, 02:46:26 AM »

Hi Olmate

Hello there, welcome to the forum.  I'd like to say how very sorry I was to read your post and the situation you find yourself in. Caught between a very hard rock and place. You obviously love your daughter very much and want her to be better. It's so very painful to watch them suffer.

My situation is kind of similar. My BPDs26 has a long history of drug abuse. He's tried three times (if I remember correctly) to clean himself up but each time failed. I believe he was just doing it for us, he's in pain because of the BPD and has settled on his own way to cope with his life. A way that I disagree with. Our relationship broke down and I joined this forum following his diagnosis. I got myself a plan and the top of the list was to focus on our core relationship. Whatever happens in the future he's going to need us as a constant, he's so very isolated and he needs us not to judge his decisions.  We've seen steady progress as he's responded very well to our change in approach. Gently I've encouraged treatment waiting for him to decide he's ready - this took 17 months.

He's currently in a downward spiral. I think this setback is what has motivated him to seek treatment. He sees he can't cope and maintain this lifestyle. However we live in the uk and the obstacles are huge in accessing the care and treatment he needs. I'm doubtful it will be possible.

It's a fact that they have to be motivated to change for themselves. 

I spoke with a retired psychiatrist yesterday evening and he said "there's an elephant in the room" and that's the daily weed use.

My BPDs will not give up the weed as he says he can't. I need to have this but need my mental health treating, when I start to feel better then I'll give up. I can see both sides. This psychiatrist is willing to try and help my son and would like to do an assessment to confirm the diagnosis as a start.

I'm praying that we can get somebody that can work with him while they help with some of his problems. I don't know if the weed is the priority. I feel in my gut that the two problems need to be dealt with at the same time.

This forum has been my life saviour. My relationship is healthier with my BPDs. He's an adult and makes his own choices. He needs me not to react, judge or get involved in his dramas. This has worked, he's tasted and experienced a period of 17 month stability.  It's been a joy to watch him develop, set himself some achievable goals and meet them. This has only been achieved by a simple change in approach. Better communication and validation skills learnt here.

I started by reading about BPD. Have you? I encourage you to do so as a first step. You can find the support here that you'll need to more effectively support your daughter, regardless if you send her to rehab.,

I'm sorry I can't answer your question. Each of our situations are different and unique. I've put more emotional input into my sons life than he has and I've learnt that is just hindering him. It's not a healthy relationship that encourages him to take responsibility for himself. We rashly used all our savings to try and help him.

I can't change my BPDs but I can hand over the responsibility for his well being into his hands where it belongs. I can only change how I react I him. It's incredibly difficult as we just know they need the help - right?

What's your thoughts?

LP



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Olmate

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« Reply #3 on: May 01, 2017, 06:08:36 AM »

Same psychiatrist changed his or her mind,  or did a second one say your daughter has BPD?

Substance abuse in combination with something like BPD is called a "dual diagnosis."

Unless the rehab clinic is set up to support a dual Dx, it may not help much in getting to the root of the issue.  Have you discussed with the P clinics which can handle this?

Hello Turkish

Thank you for your interest in my situation it is much appreciated.
The psychiatrist said she had BPD traits not BPD but recommended DBT counselling and that she is using alcohol to get herself through what she considers tough times. I cant give you the exact diagnosis because of Dr/patient confidentially.
I received an email from a clinic that I had contacted over the weekend and they gave me some valuable  information that I will follow up on soon.

Again thank you Turkish
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Olmate

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« Reply #4 on: May 02, 2017, 11:08:53 PM »

Hi Olmate

Hello there, welcome to the forum.  I'd like to say how very sorry I was to read your post and the situation you find yourself in. Caught between a very hard rock and place. You obviously love your daughter very much and want her to be better. It's so very painful to watch them suffer.

My situation is kind of similar. My BPDs26 has a long history of drug abuse. He's tried three times (if I remember correctly) to clean himself up but each time failed. I believe he was just doing it for us, he's in pain because of the BPD and has settled on his own way to cope with his life. A way that I disagree with. Our relationship broke down and I joined this forum following his diagnosis. I got myself a plan and the top of the list was to focus on our core relationship. Whatever happens in the future he's going to need us as a constant, he's so very isolated and he needs us not to judge his decisions.  We've seen steady progress as he's responded very well to our change in approach. Gently I've encouraged treatment waiting for him to decide he's ready - this took 17 months.

He's currently in a downward spiral. I think this setback is what has motivated him to seek treatment. He sees he can't cope and maintain this lifestyle. However we live in the uk and the obstacles are huge in accessing the care and treatment he needs. I'm doubtful it will be possible.

It's a fact that they have to be motivated to change for themselves. 

I spoke with a retired psychiatrist yesterday evening and he said "there's an elephant in the room" and that's the daily weed use.

My BPDs will not give up the weed as he says he can't. I need to have this but need my mental health treating, when I start to feel better then I'll give up. I can see both sides. This psychiatrist is willing to try and help my son and would like to do an assessment to confirm the diagnosis as a start.

I'm praying that we can get somebody that can work with him while they help with some of his problems. I don't know if the weed is the priority. I feel in my gut that the two problems need to be dealt with at the same time.

This forum has been my life saviour. My relationship is healthier with my BPDs. He's an adult and makes his own choices. He needs me not to react, judge or get involved in his dramas. This has worked, he's tasted and experienced a period of 17 month stability.  It's been a joy to watch him develop, set himself some achievable goals and meet them. This has only been achieved by a simple change in approach. Better communication and validation skills learnt here.

I started by reading about BPD. Have you? I encourage you to do so as a first step. You can find the support here that you'll need to more effectively support your daughter, regardless if you send her to rehab.,

I'm sorry I can't answer your question. Each of our situations are different and unique. I've put more emotional input into my sons life than he has and I've learnt that is just hindering him. It's not a healthy relationship that encourages him to take responsibility for himself. We rashly used all our savings to try and help him.

I can't change my BPDs but I can hand over the responsibility for his well being into his hands where it belongs. I can only change how I react I him. It's incredibly difficult as we just know they need the help - right?

What's your thoughts?

LP





Thank you Lollypop

Thank you for your thoughts and information its much appreciated and hope things improve for you soon

The hardest part we are having is trying to get our head around that she cant help what shes doing but she knows what shes doing and its like its pay back for something
We are trying to change the way we approach her and trying to deal with her episodes in a different manor which includes setting rules/boundaries but its been hard to talk to her because shes either drunk or hungover most of the time.
I have a bit of good news though, she had a DBT session on Monday and she actually had a sensible conversation with me on Monday night and told me about a few things that trigger her emotions.
I know its only the start but every day sober for us is a good day atm, hoping she remains sober until her next appointment but its one day at a time.

Again, thank you so much Lollypop Im trying to find out as much as I can but Iv been on edge so much lately its hard to concentrate and take in what Im reading

Thank you all
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« Reply #5 on: May 03, 2017, 02:56:11 AM »

Hi there Olmate

I've learnt to not speak to my BPDs if I know he's high. He avoids us any way but there have been times in the past and it's just not possible to communicate with somebody when they're in another place.

It's good news about the DBT!

At times I felt overwhelmed by the amount of information I needdd to try and take in about BPD, tools that I needed to learn. Pace yourself Olmate, it takes time to digest and get your head clear for what you can do and of course what you can't. It sounds like your daughters trying to engage and there's joy in that.

Good luck

LP
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Olmate

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« Reply #6 on: May 05, 2017, 08:51:01 AM »

Hi there Olmate

I've learnt to not speak to my BPDs if I know he's high. He avoids us any way but there have been times in the past and it's just not possible to communicate with somebody when they're in another place.

It's good news about the DBT!

At times I felt overwhelmed by the amount of information I needdd to try and take in about BPD, tools that I needed to learn. Pace yourself Olmate, it takes time to digest and get your head clear for what you can do and of course what you can't. It sounds like your daughters trying to engage and there's joy in that.

Good luck

LP


Thank you Lollypop

Its been a good week for us, shes been alcohol free all week she even spent a night at her bfs place and come home a happy girl. Im just hoping she remains alcohol free until her next DBT sesson as i have read its 3 steps forward then 2 steps back and if she can spread the alcohol binges farther apart and for a shorter length of time hopefully we are heading in the right direction  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Thank you
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« Reply #7 on: May 19, 2017, 02:45:34 AM »


Thank you Lollypop

Its been a good week for us, shes been alcohol free all week she even spent a night at her bfs place and come home a happy girl. Im just hoping she remains alcohol free until her next DBT sesson as i have read its 3 steps forward then 2 steps back and if she can spread the alcohol binges farther apart and for a shorter length of time hopefully we are heading in the right direction  Smiling (click to insert in post)

Thank you
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« Reply #8 on: May 19, 2017, 03:09:57 AM »

We had our first hiccup for 2 and a half weeks yesterday, the stress of an unemployment agency course set her off on a drinking binge which included an ambulance ride form being picked up unconscious in the middle of the shopping centre and a hospital stay until she sobered up. She felt terrible this morning but I assured her the therapy takes time and that she had done really good the last couple of weeks considering my wife and I went away for a few nights last weekend and she stayed sober and looked after the house and pets. We can only hope with more therapy the episodes get further apart and last for a shorter length of time. This is all new to us so I hope my wife and I are doing the right things and heading in the right direction. 
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« Reply #9 on: May 19, 2017, 08:25:38 AM »

Hi there Olmate

Your DD is doing amazingly after all she's been through  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) there are blips as you say. If your DD is  replacing alcohol with the DBT skills she's learning she's following the same path as my 28DDBPD. Our motto is fill the space with DBT. What is the unemployment agency course, was this mandatory because she is unemployed? Do you have a plan Olmate?

My 28DD WAS self medicating using alcohol, mainly socially though towards the end I found out from a close friend of hers she was drinking in her bedroom, at this point she was self harming and a number of hospitalisations occurred. She commenced DBT and alcohol counselling and said that much of the alcohol counselling was following the DBT skills she was learning. After a few months she ceased attending the alcohol counselling to focus on DBT.  Through focusing on learning the DBT skills and recognising she needed to make choices around not socialising with specific people or types of events - she is now in control 12 months on, she goes months without a drink. DBT is helping her change the direction of her life and she has a healthy outlook on alcohol, it makes her mental health worse, out of control. DD's chosen DBT over alcohol. DD is aware of her impulsiveness, that she needs to limit herself.

I hope sharing our story helps you, small steps and hope. 

WDx

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« Reply #10 on: May 19, 2017, 10:55:54 PM »

Hi there Olmate

Your DD is doing amazingly after all she's been through  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post) there are blips as you say. If your DD is  replacing alcohol with the DBT skills she's learning she's following the same path as my 28DDBPD. Our motto is fill the space with DBT. What is the unemployment agency course, was this mandatory because she is unemployed? Do you have a plan Olmate?

My 28DD WAS self medicating using alcohol, mainly socially though towards the end I found out from a close friend of hers she was drinking in her bedroom, at this point she was self harming and a number of hospitalisations occurred. She commenced DBT and alcohol counselling and said that much of the alcohol counselling was following the DBT skills she was learning. After a few months she ceased attending the alcohol counselling to focus on DBT.  Through focusing on learning the DBT skills and recognising she needed to make choices around not socialising with specific people or types of events - she is now in control 12 months on, she goes months without a drink. DBT is helping her change the direction of her life and she has a healthy outlook on alcohol, it makes her mental health worse, out of control. DD's chosen DBT over alcohol. DD is aware of her impulsiveness, that she needs to limit herself.

I hope sharing our story helps you, small steps and hope. 

WDx



Hello wendydarling

My god you could have written my first post for me form half way around the world.
Its fantastic to see your making headway which gives me a lot of hope for the future, my biggest problem at the moment is to trying to get my daughter to get anxiety drugs from her doctor and then to actually take them, Iv been trying to tell her taking a pill is far far better than sculling a bottle of scotch.

The employment course is mandatory or she loses her unemployment benefits and over here I don't think she qualifies for a disability pension unless its long term which we hope its not going to be and I don't think she wants to blurt out to those dills at the employment agency that shes got mental issues.

After all the research I have been doing I now realize I have been suffering mild anxiety all my life which explains a lot of things to me now especially where alcohol was involved  Thought

Thank you so much wendydarling

Olmate
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« Reply #11 on: May 20, 2017, 03:45:39 AM »

Hi Olmate

Oh yes, many here in the same boat self medicating with alcohol and drugs, double whammy 

Sorry you are suffering mild anxiety, you are not alone there, increasing my self care since joining bpdfamily, as recommended here and educating myself about BPD has helped. 

Has your DD been recommended anti-anxiety meds or any others at this point? I see your logic, wondering if they are waiting for the alcohol consumption to go down, if that's the approach.

The employment course is mandatory or she loses her unemployment benefits and over here I don't think she qualifies for a disability pension unless its long term which we hope its not going to be and I don't think she wants to blurt out to those dills at the employment agency that shes got mental issues.

I can understand how your DD feels there is so much stigma attached to mental illness, it makes it hard to speak out, feel understood to get the help one's entitled to. My DD gave up work in December to focus on the last 6 months of current DBT, she claimed ESA (unemployment, disclosed her BPDdx) and PIP (disability) - both amounts are small as she lives at home, pays for her phone, travel, cat care, contribution to food. It sounds like your DD has not been signed off work by her doctor for the unemployment benefit, if she was signed off she may feel relief, validated and not have to attend an unemployment course when she is clearly unable to work at this time, that's a very stressful situation to find herself in, is there anyway you can help her problem solve this? How often do these courses happen?

WDx
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« Reply #12 on: June 18, 2017, 03:28:55 AM »

Thank you wendydarling

sorry for not replying earlier but I needed a break from reading, thinking about and being consumed by BPD.
My daughter has had a couple of more hiccups with drinking but they have only lasted one night instead of five or six days and were over a week apart which is a huge relief to my wife and myself. The arguments with her bf have lessened to a stage where they are rare now.
I have other news though which has me very worried, shes pregnant to her bf who is 31, has a full time job and owns a house.
Does anyone know if having a baby improves or makes the BPD symptoms worse or is there a sense of more responsibility in having a baby.
I don't want to be left holding the baby!
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« Reply #13 on: June 18, 2017, 09:31:57 AM »

Hi there Olmate

Completely understand, it's good to rest up, we have lives too, don't we  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Many grandparents here, and a couple of expectant grandparents ... .Good question, it all depends on the pwBPD, situations are unique?

How has your DD responded, is she happy, concerned? BF? What's happening Olmate?

WDx 

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« Reply #14 on: June 18, 2017, 06:49:46 PM »

Hi there Olmate

Completely understand, it's good to rest up, we have lives too, don't we  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

Many grandparents here, and a couple of expectant grandparents ... .Good question, it all depends on the pwBPD, situations are unique?

How has your DD responded, is she happy, concerned? BF? What's happening Olmate?

WDx 

As i said earlier she doesn't have full blown BPD, she shows traits of it

They are both over the moon about it, they are talking about shifting in together which is about an hour away from us, they both think they are at the right age for this and his family are very happy and live very close to where they will be living.
I Think It could be a positive thing by the sounds of her but if I'm wrong It will be a disaster.

thank you so much wd


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« Reply #15 on: June 19, 2017, 06:15:36 PM »

Hi Olmate

I understand, they are over the moon and you are considering what may, or may not be. Staying in the moment, being mindful helps us avoid ruminating the 'what ifs'.  You don't have to be left holding the baby - unless you agree to it. Perhaps establishing a boundary now may help you here?

Guess the Q to ask is if your daughter has announced her sobriety with the good news?

WDx
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« Reply #16 on: July 11, 2017, 01:47:47 AM »

Hi Olmate

I understand, they are over the moon and you are considering what may, or may not be. Staying in the moment, being mindful helps us avoid ruminating the 'what ifs'.  You don't have to be left holding the baby - unless you agree to it. Perhaps establishing a boundary now may help you here?

Guess the Q to ask is if your daughter has announced her sobriety with the good news ?

WDx

Hello WD

She has announced her sobriety and not taking any medication at all, we just spent 5 days away without her with no problems at all, NO drinking no fighting with her B/F and NO house cleaning... .haha but who cares about the cleaning remaining sober is a massive step forward for her and us.

Thank you so much wendydarling your kind ear and interest in my situation has helped me a lot.

olmate
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« Reply #17 on: July 11, 2017, 07:53:59 AM »

Hey Olmate

That is brilliant news, I'm so happy for you and Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) go your DD! Is she still attending DBT?

WDx
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