are things getting better, or am i delusional?

[Atl951]

I recently posted a couple of times in "conflicted or deciding". The short version of my story is that I have been married for 4 years to my upwBPD (did I say that right). I just busted my husband in his second affair and separated from him for about a month. After some conflict, right at the moment of truth, I cracked and decided to come home and give things another shot.

I'm feeling very conflicted and a lot of shame over my decision. On one hand, I feel like if I was stronger I would have left the relationship and on the other hand, I want to hope and believe things can get better.

Over the last couple of weeks we've been having some clear and positive conversations about what happened, what we can do differently in the future, and what we both need from each other. If I bring up the affairs or any of his bad behavior, I do get some BPD style blaming and projection, but overall I feel that he genuinely wants things to improve. I want to believe that, especially since he has been successful in reducing his anger/outbursts and criticism in the past. He is in individual therapy (although not BPD focused, and I know he is not 100% open with her) and on medication for his ADHD, OCD, and anxiety and depression.

As always, it's difficult to reconcile this sweet and loving person with the guy who called me a "selfish lying c**t" two weeks ago, broke a bunch of my stuff, and told me everything/his affairs were my fault.

My question: has anyone out there experienced true, sustained improvement with your relationship with your BPD partner? Or should I just enjoy this while I can, before it all goes wrong again? Has anyone had a cheating spouse who was able to stop? My therapist says I'm in denial and I think she's probably right, but maybe I'm just not ready to accept the truth of my relationship.

Would love some input.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[coworkerfriend]

I know all too well those feelings of shame and even more so I understand the hope that I want things to get better.  My pwBPD has not cheated on me but I do know that in the past, he had cheated in other relationships he had.   I give you alot of credit for wanting to move past that.  It isn't easy. 

I have been with my pwBPD for 8 almost 9 years.  We aren't married but we own a business and property together.    I can't even remember how many clear, positive focused conversations I have had with him.  He wants to change his behavior, he has deep shame for the way he has treated me and the things he has said to me when he is dysregulated.  I know in my heart he genuinely believes what he says to me when he is clear.  Just as much as I know he genuinely believes that I have ruined his life and that I make him deeply unhappy. He has called me names - blames all the bad feelings he has on me.  It is difficult to reconcile that he is both the most kind loving man in the world. I know he loves me.  But that doesn't change that he can say the most hurtful things to me.   He has ended our relationship more times than I can remember - almost on a weekly basis for the past 4 months.  I used to hope and believe that our love could help him get through his bad times. 

I have seen improvements but most of those have been based on my reactions and how I communicate with him.  I have established boundaries that I will not be around him if he is angry or abusive.   My pwBPD isn't truthful with his therapist and he feels that no one can help him. I know that he has to make the decision to get the help he needs.  He can't do it for me or his kids.  He has to make the commitment. 

I try to enjoy the good times when they happen but it is always in the back of my mind that something will trigger him and it will end.  It has made me increasingly conflicted as to whether I can continue to live like this.  A small part of me can't help but hold on to the hope.  But that ends up making me feel bad when the good period ends.

You need to do what feels right to you.  I know how hard all this is and I wanted you to know you aren't alone. 

[Atl951]

I try to enjoy the good times when they happen but it is always in the back of my mind that something will trigger him and it will end.  It has made me increasingly conflicted as to whether I can continue to live like this.  A small part of me can't help but hold on to the hope.  But that ends up making me feel bad when the good period ends.

You need to do what feels right to you.  I know how hard all this is and I wanted you to know you aren't alone. 

Thank you! I really appreciate your post. It helps so much just to know I am not the only one going through this kind of thing. It's incredibly difficult to try and talk to anyone else in my life - no one understands why I don't just leave the relationship. I don't know either. ARGH.