Realising that "It is NOT okay".

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all! I feel good and kind of psyched up today and it made me realise quite a few things about the relationship with my uBPDex that I thought I would share here. Maybe it can help some people here that are in a bad place.

I mean, I was in a bad place for a long time. I was in a bad place for five years in the relationship with my uBPDex that went on and off again, probably recycled ten times. Then two years ago we seperated for good and it didn't only feel like I'd lost my partner and my friend, but that I'd lost my identity too. I felt like a ghost. I had heavy therapy and meds for close to a year to get myself back together. But I managed, and last year I was pretty happy and especially happy with myself, with my social life and activities. At the start of this year my ex dumped my replacement and tried to recycle me. After much doubt from my side I fell for it - of course - and it only took a month for things to blow up again.

Now thanks to all the process I've made in the past couple of years, it felt bad for a week but I'm already back on track again and I'm actually dating a really sweet girl right now that is very kind. Apart from a few one night stands and short affairs I haven't been dating the past two years to process the broken relationship and to build myself up again, but now that I feel like I'm (close to) ready for it, it is really an eye opener. Dating her has truly made me put the stuff I went through all those years in a new perspective. Of course, my ex isn't all to blame as I've LET her do these things to me and in turn I changed into someone I wasn't happy with either, but that's besides the point. It is very important to open your eyes to the abuse you suffered and to realise MOST people on this world WILL NOT put you through this.

What I've learned:

It is NOT okay to walk on eggshells every day of your life, being afraid that you might say or do something wrong, CHANGING your own personality just to accomodate your BPD-partner.

It is NOT okay to accept an on-and-off-again relationship where once you finally feel like you are in a stable place in your relationship, the rug is pulled again and you have to beg them to get back together again. Only for you to get back together again but them having a list of things that need to change.

It is NOT okay to get into an argument every time you stand up for yourself, them treatening to dump you again or even doing just that when you make a stand for all the sh!t you have to put up with.

It IS okay to ask your partner for closeness, intimacy (like kissing or cuddling) or sex. It is NOT okay for them to either
a) not give these things to you at all or
b) only give you these things when they need something or
c) withhold these things to punish you.

It is NOT okay that every time they dump you, they run off to whatever supply there is out there but once you even entertain that thought once, you get slaughtered.

It is NOT okay that they paint you black to family and friends so that once everything is 'peachy' between you, you visit those friends and family and they all think about the nasty stuff they said about you while there were arguments.

It is NOT okay for them to use tears, violence, self-harm or the silent treatment as a means to punish you or to get something from you.

It IS okay to not agree with each other on every subject or to have different opinions. What is NOT okay, is they getting mad every time you hold a different opinion, while you have to agree with everything they say.


This is just a small list of things that I and most of you have been through. These things are often done in such an underhanded way that you start having doubts on who's the bad person here: your partner or you? Are you imagining this? NO! You are NOT! These things are happening and they are happening often enough for you to start doubting yourself constantly, slowly eroding your self esteem and personality away until there's almost nothing left of you.

Hear this and hear this well: once you are almost depleted, once you've lost your personality and your will to fight back, or if you're really unlucky even your good health, you will be cast aside for the next victim that is still filled with energy for your ex-partner to deplete. Until the next victim is empty, and so forth and so forth. In a few weeks, months or years time when you've done the work to recover and you are filled up again with personality, energy and self esteem, there's a BIIIIIG fat chance that they will come back to suck it all up again, like a vampire, if you let them. So don't let them. It doesn't matter how much you think you have learned or how often they say they regret the way they acted or how much they changed in the years apart, they never do, not without long, intense treatment. And I can guarantee you they haven't gone through that effort to change. Why would they if there's always someone to suck dry?

I'm dating this new girl right now, and its still very early days and I don't even know what the future holds and I'm trying to keep a healthy combination between distance and closeness, but in the few times we've met I've already experienced a world of difference. If this was my BPDex, she would have tried VERY hard to meet each other almost every day. This one? I saw her monday, and we're going out to diner on sunday, and that's fine. It can wait. We won't go anywhere. We won't flee. She has her own life. Get this: she has friends. Multiple. That aren't a few months old new friends. No, real friends. Can you say that from your BPDex?

We vary in opinion on different subjects. And you know what? That is okay too! We don't have to agree on everything. If anything, different views on subjects make for more stuff to talk about! With your BPDex you would go through hell if you'd think about stuff differently. You would already see their eyes flare up when you would hold a different opinion, the contempt, the aggravation. Or if you were in the love bombing stage, they would agree with everything you would say anyway, only for you to find out later that they held an entire different opinion about the subject all along, and that you would have to change yours to keep them happy.

Is the love with the new person less intense? Of course. The intense love there was between you and your BPDex was too intense to last, and above all FAKE. It was there to satisfy a need in them, a need to be wanted and to be 'whole' with someone else for a short while, until that someone (you) broke the illusion and they went on to find their next subject, after robbing you from everything that made you, YOU, of course.

I'm not saying all this because I'm dating someone new. If anything, the dating is still pretty scary for me and brings up a lot of feelings about my life the past seven years that I thought I worked through. But it does make me realise how much I was abused and especially how much I let myself be abused. I was a doormat, even though when my and my uBPDex first met I was by far the stronger one, the one with more self esteem. That's why they need you, to suck that out of you and use it for themselves. But it will never be enough. Their self assurance when they cast you aside is just a mask, and under that is an endless hole that can never be filled up. You are the stronger person, because you survived it and you can start working on yourself again, one day at a time, even if it's just a very small step. Each and every one of those steps is more than they will ever be able to take. Be glad you're not them and try to be thankful for the experience they've put you through so that you can learn from it and understand what you don't want in life. But above all, be glad you are out of it. Keep it that way.

Thanks for reading. I hope its as helpful for you to read as it was helpful for me to write down.

[CloseToFreedom]

Hi all! I feel good and kind of psyched up today and it made me realise quite a few things about the relationship with my uBPDex that I thought I would share here. Maybe it can help some people here that are in a bad place.

I mean, I was in a bad place for a long time. I was in a bad place for five years in the relationship with my uBPDex that went on and off again, probably recycled ten times. Then two years ago we seperated for good and it didn't only feel like I'd lost my partner and my friend, but that I'd lost my identity too. I felt like a ghost. I had heavy therapy and meds for close to a year to get myself back together. But I managed, and last year I was pretty happy and especially happy with myself, with my social life and activities. At the start of this year my ex dumped my replacement and tried to recycle me. After much doubt from my side I fell for it - of course - and it only took a month for things to blow up again.

Now thanks to all the process I've made in the past couple of years, it felt bad for a week but I'm already back on track again and I'm actually dating a really sweet girl right now that is very kind. Apart from a few one night stands and short affairs I haven't been dating the past two years to process the broken relationship and to build myself up again, but now that I feel like I'm (close to) ready for it, it is really an eye opener. Dating her has truly made me put the stuff I went through all those years in a new perspective. Of course, my ex isn't all to blame as I've LET her do these things to me and in turn I changed into someone I wasn't happy with either, but that's besides the point. It is very important to open your eyes to the abuse you suffered and to realise MOST people on this world WILL NOT put you through this.

What I've learned:

It is NOT okay to walk on eggshells every day of your life, being afraid that you might say or do something wrong, CHANGING your own personality just to accomodate your BPD-partner.

It is NOT okay to accept an on-and-off-again relationship where once you finally feel like you are in a stable place in your relationship, the rug is pulled again and you have to beg them to get back together again. Only for you to get back together again but them having a list of things that need to change.

It is NOT okay to get into an argument every time you stand up for yourself, them treatening to dump you again or even doing just that when you make a stand for all the sh!t you have to put up with.

It IS okay to ask your partner for closeness, intimacy (like kissing or cuddling) or sex. It is NOT okay for them to either
a) not give these things to you at all or
b) only give you these things when they need something or
c) withhold these things to punish you.

It is NOT okay that every time they dump you, they run off to whatever supply there is out there but once you even entertain that thought once, you get slaughtered.

It is NOT okay that they paint you black to family and friends so that once everything is 'peachy' between you, you visit those friends and family and they all think about the nasty stuff they said about you while there were arguments.

It is NOT okay for them to use tears, violence, self-harm or the silent treatment as a means to punish you or to get something from you.

It IS okay to not agree with each other on every subject or to have different opinions. What is NOT okay, is they getting mad every time you hold a different opinion, while you have to agree with everything they say.


This is just a small list of things that I and most of you have been through. These things are often done in such an underhanded way that you start having doubts on who's the bad person here: your partner or you? Are you imagining this? NO! You are NOT! These things are happening and they are happening often enough for you to start doubting yourself constantly, slowly eroding your self esteem and personality away until there's almost nothing left of you.

Hear this and hear this well: once you are almost depleted, once you've lost your personality and your will to fight back, or if you're really unlucky even your good health, you will be cast aside for the next victim that is still filled with energy for your ex-partner to deplete. Until the next victim is empty, and so forth and so forth. In a few weeks, months or years time when you've done the work to recover and you are filled up again with personality, energy and self esteem, there's a BIIIIIG fat chance that they will come back to suck it all up again, like a vampire, if you let them. So don't let them. It doesn't matter how much you think you have learned or how often they say they regret the way they acted or how much they changed in the years apart, they never do, not without long, intense treatment. And I can guarantee you they haven't gone through that effort to change. Why would they if there's always someone to suck dry?

I'm dating this new girl right now, and its still very early days and I don't even know what the future holds and I'm trying to keep a healthy combination between distance and closeness, but in the few times we've met I've already experienced a world of difference. If this was my BPDex, she would have tried VERY hard to meet each other almost every day. This one? I saw her monday, and we're going out to diner on sunday, and that's fine. It can wait. We won't go anywhere. We won't flee. She has her own life. Get this: she has friends. Multiple. That aren't a few months old new friends. No, real friends. Can you say that from your BPDex?

We vary in opinion on different subjects. And you know what? That is okay too! We don't have to agree on everything. If anything, different views on subjects make for more stuff to talk about! With your BPDex you would go through hell if you'd think about stuff differently. You would already see their eyes flare up when you would hold a different opinion, the contempt, the aggravation. Or if you were in the love bombing stage, they would agree with everything you would say anyway, only for you to find out later that they held an entire different opinion about the subject all along, and that you would have to change yours to keep them happy.

Is the love with the new person less intense? Of course. The intense love there was between you and your BPDex was too intense to last, and above all FAKE. It was there to satisfy a need in them, a need to be wanted and to be 'whole' with someone else for a short while, until that someone (you) broke the illusion and they went on to find their next subject, after robbing you from everything that made you, YOU, of course.

I'm not saying all this because I'm dating someone new. If anything, the dating is still pretty scary for me and brings up a lot of feelings about my life the past seven years that I thought I worked through. But it does make me realise how much I was abused and especially how much I let myself be abused. I was a doormat, even though when my and my uBPDex first met I was by far the stronger one, the one with more self esteem. That's why they need you, to suck that out of you and use it for themselves. But it will never be enough. Their self assurance when they cast you aside is just a mask, and under that is an endless hole that can never be filled up. You are the stronger person, because you survived it and you can start working on yourself again, one day at a time, even if it's just a very small step. Each and every one of those steps is more than they will ever be able to take. Be glad you're not them and try to be thankful for the experience they've put you through so that you can learn from it and understand what you don't want in life. But above all, be glad you are out of it. Keep it that way.

Thanks for reading. I hope its as helpful for you to read as it was helpful for me to write down.

[Icefog]

Thanks for posting this. The last few days have been rough for me and this is great reinforcement. In my relationship with my exBPD I became so exhausted I had to take three months off from work. I was doubting myself like you mentioned and The "love bombing" was amazing but fake. I look at her history and it is a textbook recipe for BPD and she is presently textbook BPD. I never recognized this at all when I was in it. Once I started to develop healthy boundaries she disengaged and became more erratic in her behavior and cast me aside. I'm sure she started grooming another, just like she did with me. 

[CloseToFreedom]

Thanks for posting this. The last few days have been rough for me and this is great reinforcement. In my relationship with my exBPD I became so exhausted I had to take three months off from work. I was doubting myself like you mentioned and The "love bombing" was amazing but fake. I look at her history and it is a textbook recipe for BPD and she is presently textbook BPD. I never recognized this at all when I was in it. Once I started to develop healthy boundaries she disengaged and became more erratic in her behavior and cast me aside. I'm sure she started grooming another, just like she did with me. 

Even though each person is a different person, a lot of the things we've been through seem pretty much the same, which is kind of crazy to realise. I guess it all comes from the same basic fears and arrested development in these folks, resulting in resembling behaviours. That realisation is almost enough to feel sorry for them, but you should never do that, as the way they treat you isn't how any human being should be treated.

[KtotheK]

Wow close to freedom ... .that was amazing! Hit every nail on the head - thank you so much it / you make So much sense

[Aesir]

I agree with everything you posted. During the relationship I thought of or was forced to realize several of these points.

[roberto516]

This is all true. Especially when I was depleted and asked her for more intimacy and she didn't even try. Its like I'm reading my own relationship. I'm glad you're in a good spot. And I'm glad you are giving a relationship a chance and you haven't given up on what real love might be. Kudos to you. You give me hope for myself.

I took screenshots of this post so I can look at it whenever I feel like I'm thinking fondly of the good times. It will help me get back on track. Thank you. Honestly

[FantasticMsDox]

Amen to this post.

[babyoctopus]

 
Such a great post, closetofreedom! I can relate to all! Especially the projection- how they subtly are able to manipulate you to think YOU are the crazy one! How many times I thought: Am I the problem? And then have to go through for the hundredth time all the things HE put on me... .

Depletion- sucked out by a vampire- spot on!

I also agree- and I haven't seen this anywhere else- although I did mention in a post somewhere how my stbxBPDh would be all "up" when I was weak... .and vice-versa- how they come after you again when you've healed and build yourself back up, so they can SUCK you dry again.

Its hard for me to feel anything when I am WOKEN to what actually occurred in my marriage. (usually I am in a state of amnesia, I don't want to remember but I need to, to heal)Yes they are sick, but that really is no excuse for the way we have been abused. And it is straight up abuse IMHO.

Thanks.

[GreenEyedMonster]

Spot on.

It is also not okay for them to treat you like a child and like they are the adult, disciplining you. 

It is amazing how many things I tolerated during that (extremely short) relationship.  My T often asks me why I did it.  We have come to the conclusion that I was programmed to tolerate this kind of thing by situations in my childhood.  Namely, I was shamed by adults for my unique worldview because it arbitrarily didn't match up with theirs.  This made me an easy target for gaslighting, and my T tells me that some people have radar for this kind of thing.

[Happy outside]

But part of me feels like all of this is my fault. That I have done some of the things you listed. It's so confusing.

[40days_in_desert]

CloseToFreedom - my hat is off to you. Very well put and accurate!

[CloseToFreedom]

Thanks for the kind remarks, people! It's good to know we've all been through the same - or close to the same - stuff!

[K.G.]

I am still going through a difficult time processing things and denying to myself the impossibility of the relationship. I still miss him and have to hold myself back from making contact. But you are so right in your post, nothing of that experience is right. It was a relationship of chaos, and I have to keep reminding myself of that ... .

Thank you, and good luck in your new relationship. I hope to also find someone who, even though might not make me feel amazing, nonetheless brings me peace in my mind.

[CloseToFreedom]

I am still going through a difficult time processing things and denying to myself the impossibility of the relationship. I still miss him and have to hold myself back from making contact. But you are so right in your post, nothing of that experience is right. It was a relationship of chaos, and I have to keep reminding myself of that ... .

Thank you, and good luck in your new relationship. I hope to also find someone who, even though might not make me feel amazing, nonetheless brings me peace in my mind.

I'm taking the new relationship (well its still dating) very slow, but holy cow is it different from the toxic stuff Im used to. Believe it or not, some people actually don't have hidden evil agendas. Some people are kind and try to take into account your feelings. Its such a night and day difference and sure you have to get used to not being put on this unrealistic pedestal, but the flatline is so much more worth it instead of the unhealthy constant ups and downs. Those cause stress and in the long run can even screw with your health.

[K.G.]

It is so hard to detach from these relationships. I feel like I am being pushed and pulled in my own head. However, your post is a useful reminder of what is just not acceptable (and it is a long list of everything that I experienced). On top of that, it is not acceptable to be made to jump through hoops all of the time - with the hoop being raised higher and higher and higher each time and still to be told that you are just not good enough.

I do have a lot of empathy for my ex, but I cannot spend my life being punished by someone just because he has abandonment and trust issues and needs someone to be 110 per cent responsible for him.

Thank you for your post. I will keep reading it to remind me... . 

[hope2727]

All extremely well said. Thank you for the reminder.