She came back but will she change?

[617788]

Well I would like to start off by saying my wife of 8 years was recently diagnosed with BPD after years of knowing what was wrong I finally have confirmation we split up last year for three months after she left out of the blue this was the second time she has done this. I am tired and ready to end the relationship for good we have three children and I would like to keep our family together as I do care for her and love her. She swears she will get therapy but will she really change?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cole]

I don't think there is an answer to that. BPD affects different people in different ways.

From my own experience, my wife told me she was leaving us (two kids and me) forever in November 2015. And she moved out of state. And she came back 2 weeks later.

She has a psychiatrist and a therapist who she sees regularly and is med compliant. BPD has been non-existent for the most part, but makes guest appearances from time to time.

So, will your wife really change? It is truly up to her, and if she makes the commitment she will need your help. She has to get help from professionals and you have to make the commitment to learn everything you can about this disease. It is hard to understand, but there is plenty of help on this site.   

 

   

[Mutt]

Hi 617788,

I am tired and ready to end the relationship for good we have three children and I would like to keep our family together as I do care for her and love her. She swears she will get therapy but will she really change?

I'm sorry that you're going through a difficult period. We can't predict the future, and as Cole said it's on her own terms, I can see how BPD behaviors would wear you down, what do you for self care?

[AlternateReality]

She swears she will get therapy but will she really change?

If She is serious about the Therapy i think it is a very positive step in changing.  If she is, i do recommend mustering up as much support as you can find and throwing it behind her.   Do not let her catch wind that you are unsure if she will go through with it or if it will event help, it will be a huge trigger and she will probably just not attempt it.   I have personally made this mistake.

[isilme]

Therapy is not a cure, just a treatment.  Even people who do NOT have BPD don't alway make the effort to benefit from therapy.

That said, if she tries, it's something.  A lot of pwBPD won't even go at all.  It's all baby steps, as you BOTH work to adjust your family dynamic.  You need to take some steps back from trying to manage it all, and look at what's needed and what can slide or even "fail".  It's okay if your kids are happy but the laundry is a mess.  It's okay to take a day off work while the kids may be in school just to get some alone time and rest if you can.  It's okay for the family to not live under one roof, too.  As a child of two pwBPD, all I can say is that "keeping the marriage together for the child" is not always a good idea.  One stable adult is better than a life with unpredictable drama if that's how things turn out. 

Just take it a day at a time.  Therapy may work - being receptive to going at least is a good start.  Encouragement will need to be given to KEEP going.  It will be very invalidating for her to go, and be told that she needs to change her won behavior.  You may also want to engage in your own sessions, just so you can combat any blameshifting that tries to paint you as the sole party at fault.