Using past hurts as a knife

[Cole]

dBPDW has been fairly stable for a while, but we have had a guest appearance by Mr. BPD over the last few episodes and he is stealing the show. It has manifest itself as plenty of self trash talk, running herself down at every turn. She tells me she should move out because she does not deserve me or the kids, or to even be happy. She cries over things she did or did not do in the past.

In conjunction, the past hurt bag has been pulled out of the closet. Every past hurt, no matter how old, how small, or how real vs. imagined has been pulled out, polished, and placed on the mantel. It is a bag full of things that us non's would get over and forget about, but which pwBPD prize like gold.

Last night, it hit me as to why they do this.

When depressed and down on themselves many pwBPD self-abuse. Some cut. Some drink or use drugs. Yet others attempt or succeed with suicide. All these actions are to punish themselves for not being good enough or not being the person they think they should be.

In W's case, the past hurts are the instrument of self-abuse. Rather than cutting herself with a knife, she cries because her mom said something mean to her in 1978. Instead of doing drugs, she rages over something my brother said in 2001 that no one else remembers. Instead of suicide, she is consumed with jealousy because someone else got something she didn't.

So, next time your SO pulls out the past hurts bag, remember that the hurt and rage they present with it are probably directed at themselves, not you. And remember that though it looks like they are pushing you away, this is when they need you the most.    

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[Tattered Heart]

That's the part that makes me so sad for my husband. If he could just forgive those things I think he would find healing and peace. It's like the story of the man who has a bad day and comes home after getting yelled at by his boss and he kicks the dog. The dog didn't do anything. He was just closest. The anger is really directed at someone else.

My H frequently cries and rages over a scenario from his childhood where his dad was abusing his brother. My H wanted to save his brother but he just sat there while it happened. He feels so much guilt for letting this happen. He beats himself up over it still and feels like he failed him. Today he tries to make up for it by standing up for the underdog. But then he hates the underdog for being "weak" and not standing up for himself. I think he really hates himself because he felt weak when his dad was being cruel.

[Mutt]

Hi Cole,

So, next time your SO pulls out the past hurts bag, remember that the hurt and rage they present with it are probably directed at themselves, not you. And remember that though it looks like they are pushing you away, this is when they need you the most.

Well said  

[storagecold]

So, next time your SO pulls out the past hurts bag, remember that the hurt and rage they present with it are probably directed at themselves, not you. And remember that though it looks like they are pushing you away, this is when they need you the most.    

Thanks for the affirmation. I have been dealing with this for years. SO has an arsenal of past tragedies, disagreements and slights that she pulls from anytime she wants, but she has never been self-deprecating. Ever. Nothing is ever her fault, even if it clearly is. (For instance -- she had a fender-bender a number of years ago that was her fault, but she blames it on being distracted by me).

The horrible -- and I do mean horrible -- things she says can sometimes be so hurtful they will knock the wind out of you for hours or days. Five minutes later, she's asking you "what the hell is wrong with YOU" and "Why are you always so angry?"

[Cole]

The horrible -- and I do mean horrible -- things she says can sometimes be so hurtful they will knock the wind out of you for hours or days. Five minutes later, she's asking you "what the hell is wrong with YOU" and "Why are you always so angry?"

I get that, too.

I asked her why she never apologizes when she does that. She said it is because she is so embarrassed about her behavior she cannot face up to it. In her case, I believe it.