Lack of hope...

[Lolaloo]

Hi all, I think this is my 3rd post now and am grateful for this site and the fact that others seem to understand this stuff. It is so hard and I am really struggling at the moment.

I was in relationship with my uBPDex for 2 years. I have always struggled with relationships and trust and I know this comes from my childhood stuff where I was damaged and never felt worthy enough. When I met my uBPDex, I was wary of getting involved too fast as I didn't want to get hurt yet again. We took it slowly which felt safe to me. I did struggle with trust but over time realised that this person wasn't actually a cheat like a lot of my ex's... .I know this doesn't really fit with typical BPD but she just didn't seem like she would and I don't think she did cheat right to the end. However there were other things which she did that hurt me immensely over the 2 years and I do think fit with BPD... .

- She had really bad anger and rage issues
- She started out annihilating me with her rage after about 5-6 months... .it felt like her words were just shooting me down and just so painful how she twisted the things I had shared with her
- She never, ever let go of anything she perceived I had done wrong - used to drag everything up again and again in order to try and persecute me
- I felt like she was always trying to get power over me... .she liked to try and control me which I found so hard
- She finished with me many times over the 2 years which hurt me so badly - only to make up with me again
- She used silent treatment really regularly - if she wasn't happy with something I had said or done she would just shut down and refuse to communicate with me for days. We didn't live together (as I knew I couldn't cope with it) and so this meant that when she was doing her silent treatment she would totally blank me out of her life for days. It hurt horrendously and I knew she was doing it to punish me
- She ruined lots of events like my birthday, holidays and Christmas by just flying off the handle, storming off and ignoring me
- Towards the end of the relationship she kept switching even more regularly between 'nice' and 'nasty'... .it was really inconsistent and the 'nasty' version of her was getting more often. I felt like I was just having to manage her behaviour. To try and keep her sweet in the hope that she wouldn't start to turn nasty
- It felt like there was two people in one person. I just kept longing for the nice, loving, nurturing one and trying to deny the horrid, cruel, sadistic one existed. I just thought that if I stuck in there long enough and showed her i was a good person she would remain the kind version of her... .
- She finished with me just before Christmas 2016 over something quite small. She didn't just do that but came back every 2 /3 days over the xmas period contacting me and it made me feel desperate. In the end we got back together again from end January to end February.  In this time she had fits over there being a spare toothbrush in my bathroom and stormed off and wouldn't listen to the fact that I just simply had a spare toothbrush. She also didn't seem to like the fact that during the month that she hadn't seen me, she hadn't had control over me. She started accusing me of seeing other people in that time which was absolutely ridiculous. In that month I had been beside myself, desperately pining for her... .but there was no telling her this
- Finally 8 weeks ago now I walked away from her. It was weird as I didn't seem to be resolute about walking away but my legs sort of got me out of there even though my heart is still in it. The final thing that made me up and leave was that she started saying that she had contacted an ex of mine through Facebook and found out that I had been dating 2 people at the same time! This was complete and absolute rubbish. The person she had in fact contacted was actually a friend of mine who I was no longer in touch with. Nothing had ever happened between us. I was so shocked that she would do this that I just walked.

I then kept my distance from her for about 7 weeks. During that time however she has been drip feeding me with e-mails saying that she thought I had her earrings, shoes etc. Then telling me the kids on her street missed playing with me and my dog. I ignored the e-mails to start with but by the end my resolve was weakened and I ended up replying to some of them.

Then a week ago I finally cracked after I opened my front door and found that she must have been outside my home and put a pair of my boots on my doorstep. In the bag was a love heart thing we had made together out of willow branch. Also photocopies of a chat we had had back in last November with lots of talk about the positives in our relationship and love hearts saying I love you etc on it... .She just broke me down and I contacted her to say did she want to meet. She maintained she was just returning things to me! What a load of rubbish... .she knew it was hugely emotive and bound to hook me in.  I then challenged her on the way she had behaved with my old friend accusing me of seeing her at the same time. She responded by sending me a section of the Facebook chat and said that it was proof that I had dated this person at the same time. Luckily though my old friend had sent me the whole conversation and I was able to send the full version straight back to my ex and tell her to stop making up lies about me.
- Finally when my ex saw I had proof which showed she had been lying and making all this stuff up about me, she sent me an e-mail a week ago saying 'tell me what it is that you would like me to do to help us move past this. What do you need.?"

I replied that I needed her to apologise for lying to me, making stuff up, all the silent treatment, rages etc. I also said I needed her to go for an assessment with mental health specialist and that if she would do these things I would support her but if she didn't I couldn't cope anymore.

SO... .I'm sorry for my long tale above but I needed to share the context of all this. Basically I have not heard anything back from her for the last week and it sent me into complete meltdown. I had been doing ok until she kept contacting me... .But now I feel on the edge with my mental health and totally lost.

I guess what I need is some advice and some answers if possible... .

1) Why is it so hard to leave behind someone who was nasty to me?
2) Why do I keep brushing over the bad stuff in my mind and looking at the good sides?... .
3) I feel so hopeless about my future... .If I attracted her as well as the ones before her who were no good for me, how will I ever manage to break this pattern. How will I manage to find a healthy relationship with consistency and love and respect?
4) What do I need to do to get better myself?... .
5) How do I stop myself going back to her as the good times seem to pull me as at least when they were happening it felt better than it does now
6) How can I find any hope that there will be better in my future?


Apologies for such a long post... .any help would be amazing as at the moment everything feels pretty black

[Mutt]

Hi Lolaloo,

1) Why is it so hard to leave behind someone who was nasty to me?‎
2) Why do I keep brushing over the bad stuff in my mind and looking at the good sides?... .
3) I feel so hopeless about my future... .If I attracted her as well as the ones before her who were no good for me, how will I ever manage to break this pattern. How will I manage to find a healthy relationship with consistency and love and respect?
4) What do I need to do to get better myself?... .
5) How do I stop myself going back to her as the good times seem to pull me as at least when they were happening it felt better than it does now
6) How can I find any hope that there will be better in my future?

I'm sorry that you're going through this. I can relate with your post, I struggle with relationships too and I asked a similar question to my T, I just told her that I'm tired of being told that I mean well but where do I look and what can I fix to become better at relationships and i'll recommend the same book that was recommended to me. The book refers to life traps and doesn't mention schemas, the book Reinventing Your Life is basically a self help book on schema therapy developed by Jeffrey E Young, the book will help you label schemas and show you how to break these life traps or schemas like abandonment, deprevation, dependence, mistrust and abuse, deffectiveness. What I quoted you should be able to find the answers in that book. Follow the link, it's a link to Amazon .ca so you might want switch it to .com if you plan on purchasing it. I believe that I also found it on Google Play, I chose to by a paperback book instead of a digital copy. I hope that helps.

Reinventing your Life‎
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[vortex of confusion]

1) Why is it so hard to leave behind someone who was nasty to me?
2) Why do I keep brushing over the bad stuff in my mind and looking at the good sides?... .
3) I feel so hopeless about my future... .If I attracted her as well as the ones before her who were no good for me, how will I ever manage to break this pattern. How will I manage to find a healthy relationship with consistency and love and respect?
4) What do I need to do to get better myself?... .
5) How do I stop myself going back to her as the good times seem to pull me as at least when they were happening it felt better than it does now
6) How can I find any hope that there will be better in my future?

Welcome to the forums!

I can relate to many of your questions. It has really helped me to find a therapist that I can trust. She has suggested that I read some books by Alice Miller. I have read one or two of them.

Some of the reason that it is so hard to leave behind some of this stuff is because I was programmed to accept crappy treatment as a kid. I was programmed to overlook the bad stuff. It is about looking at the messages and things that I received as a child. There were so many things that have come up that have had absolutely nothing to do with ex yet are shedding so much light on how/why I allowed so many things to continue even though I kind of knew that they weren't okay.

One of the things that has come up is the fact that I don't think I attract these relationships any more than the average person. I think where I differ is the fact that the average person would run away from some of this stuff whereas I don't run because I had to learn to live with a house full of chaos and disorder as a child. To me, the disorder almost seems normal and comfortable yet at the same time it is difficult avoid it because when I would try to avoid some things as a kid, I would hear things like, "Oh, so you think you are better than everyone." Um, no, that wasn't it at all. I wanted better for myself and when I tried to get it I would be ridiculed. Ex simply took up the torch and carried on and I didn't have the sense to tell him to buzz off sooner. I thought that setting some standards for myself would mean that I was the horrible person that they tried to make me out to be simply because I didn't want to be a part of the crazy dysfunction growing up.

[Lolaloo]

Thank you for your replies. I will definitely look to buy some of these books and have just ordered the first one about reinventing your life. 
 

Thank you vortex of confusion for what you said. I also realise that this is down to my crappy way of being treated as a child too... .I definitely agree with that. Also that I definitely learnt how to smooth over the bad stuff and keep longing and searching for the good stuff!

How do we look at the messages from childhood?... .Is there any hope to overcome the issues from childhood though?... .I just feel hopeless at times 

[Mutt]

Is there any hope to overcome the issues from childhood though?... .I just feel hopeless at times

Do you feel like you're depressed?

[vortex of confusion]

How do we look at the messages from childhood?... .Is there any hope to overcome the issues from childhood though?... .I just feel hopeless at times 

For me, it has been a process. When I started with my therapist, she started with my biography. It was a simple process of her asking me probing questions about the timeline of my childhood, which included asking me how I felt about specific things as I gave biographical information. I am still working through the biography stuff with her and making connections. As I do this it is becoming more and more clear to me that some of the stuff that I accepted was a direct result of feeling like I was an afterthought as a child. A lot of times, parents will say very loving things yet act in ways that are anything but loving. I realize that I was pretty much taught to listen to the words and ignore the actions.

Why would I grow up and automatically know that a lot of my confusion stemmed from receiving very mixed messages from my FOO as well as my ex.

I don't think childhood issues need to be overcome as much as they need to be acknowledged and integrated into who we are. I am trying to use those issues to inform me about my weak spots, like accepting things that I shouldn't. It is a process and I feel like I am at the beginning. However, seeing these things and talking about them in a safe place is really giving me a lot of hope for the future.

[Mavrik]

Hi aloo

When I entered my 12 month intense relationship I didn't know anything about BPD. Until it ended and I posted on a forum and someone suggested she had BPD that's when I looked into it and read loads about it and know so much about it now.

I got the love bombing at the start and it was great (people always say BPD are great at sex and intimacy... .I'll disagree with that part.

It was like no relationship I ever had, texting all day every day and it was such a great time.

But I didn't realise or see thaf she was slowly changing me, what I ate what I wore what I did, at times it was like treading on eggshells, Minor things seemed to throw her into this zone and she'd shut down (I've found out that they go to their safe place if they experience things they are afraid of or hurts them. And they will only come out of this place when they want to. Whatever yuh say or do.

When these relationships end it's the intensity we miss and there's s big gap
In our lives where they would text. Message, phone, control etc etc and that's what we miss.

They become controlling aggressive  and confrontational, very possessive and then havd attachment issues, and will destroy a perfectly good relationship, to justify there attachment issues and losing people

I did lots and lots and lots which she always tried to destroy but I was resilient and wouldn't allow her to get to me and she began to increase her behaviour towards me, sleeping around then telling me about it, being racist towards me, she then ended it buf blamed me and so her issue of loss with regards to her attachment issues came true

They never apologise they are never wrong, and they move on very fast and aren't heartbroken like we get. They then do it again and again and are lonely for the rest of their lives.

There's nothing you can do to change it

You need to be wary of their charms and ability to charm you back into their lives, if you fall for that your back to square one and you have to go through the break up again.

I'm now suffering from depression as a result, buf she doesn't care   

[doy]

hi mavrik,

sorry to hear about your pain.
i really hope you feel some support and positive vibes from this site.

i totally relate to the part you write where you do more , and more ... .and it has the opposite effect. i gave my ex all the love, compliments, consistency and emotional stability one could wish for. and the more i did that , the more he sabotaged us. either by disbelief ( this is too beautiful , you are too beautiful , this cannot be real) or just plain self-destruction provoking fights. he started tearing himself and us down.
cheating, disconnecting breaking up w me. its a symptom. its not personal. that is very hard thing to process. and to me , still the saddest thing in the world. the wasted love.

i think it is normal for people coming out of the fog to feel depressed. allowing pain and grief is healthy way to get out of it i think.
allowing everything , every feeling (scary_) but not acting on it. ( in the sense of contacting ex , let yourself waste away or... .)
take a step back, look at yourself with a bit of distance : this is you being sad. this is what you are capable of feeling , wow look at all that love , that feeling of wastedness... .the disappointment, sadness... .its huge! never thought you would be capable of feeling that.
and it is ok. you are alive.
i find this helps me to bite through this fairly stable.

i think it is often the resistance to feeling so blue that keeps us there. keep sharing. you will get through this.

[Mavrik]

I hated the destruction when I showed so much love

And I know what I did for her and i know no one had ever done as much as me, and I kept with it and she couldn't cope with the 'this is too good to be true, this can't last' and she really went to town and hurt me so so much in what she said and did that I couldn't sustain the pains she inflicted. All because if was too untrue in her eyes, and the love was real in mine

[doy]

i know.
i do not know if it's of any comfort, but mine said a lot of times he didn't really know if he ever loved somebody, because he didn't know what it was.
 ( meanwhile i felt loved by him )... .you see what happens?

your love wasn't fake. BPD makes emotions/self image shift like day and night in a couple of minutes, they do not rely on them themselves, so she perceives any given love as not real , including her own.
without ever hearing of BPD i asked him so many times why he was sabotaging so much.

 

[Mavrik]

Mine would never admit to sabotaging and would blame me for everything.

So Day I'm curious as to the response from your ex as to why he was sabotaging the relationship?

[doy]

Hi mavrik.

the clearest answer i got was that he said he was terrified of embracing something beautiful when it was in font of him and he didn't know why. but that was only when he was 'present'
he kept saying : there HAS to be something wrong with you , you are just too good to be true.
in the beginning i was flattered by this remark but i learnt soon this was nothing to be flattered about.
he started really to dig deep for things that were 'wrong' with me . 
he came up with things like a song in my playlist that he didn't like, or that i like to sleep with knickers on. or he would just make things up that had got nothing to do with me really.  for him reasons to storm out of the door or start a serious talk about why it should end.

he could storm out the door, have a drink, come back an hour later and totally  forgot  what happened and just tell me about the happiness that filled him seeing an elderly couple on a bike.  and kiss me and sit next to me saying this was one of the most romantic scenes ever ( i was sitting in the bathtub)
craziness galore, but somehow i was in survival mode, just being happy every time the mood was shifted.

how do you feel today?

[Mavrik]

I'm feeling lots better today, it's been 3 weeks since last contact.

I don't ask our mutual friends how she is as I know she's in total self destruct mode and spiralling fast. And looks to lose lots and lots, and there's nothing anything can do. So if I ask how she is, I know I will hear something I don't want to.

There's nothing I can do so I'm not showing any interest as I know it will break my heart. Because I wouldn't want this to happen to anyone

[Aesir]

Interesting. When ever my ex was being nice I thought that it was a act to get something she wanted. Perhaps it's a way of apologizing but it did not last long.

[butterflylove]

Hello. So much of this sounds so very familiar.

1) Why is it so hard to leave behind someone who was nasty to me?‎

for me- I'm started to believe it's codependency. I also suffered some emotional and physical abuse growing up. I stayed in a relationship with my BPD husband for 3 1/2 years. I left for a few days at a time, but always came back, hoping so badly it would get better. Even after I left for good, I am still having such a hard time accepting it's over. I want to go back to him, I want everything to be ok, even though it was hell. That's what codependency is. 

2) Why do I keep brushing over the bad stuff in my mind and looking at the good sides?... .

I do it too... .it seems to be very common here on the forum.

3) I feel so hopeless about my future... .If I attracted her as well as the ones before her who were no good for me, how will I ever manage to break this pattern. How will I manage to find a healthy relationship with consistency and love and respect?

I'm hopeless, too. It's almost impossible to see my life existing without him. I can't even imagine being with someone else. I am too scared

4) What do I need to do to get better myself?... .

Maybe look in codependency. Google CODA. They have meetings.
 
5) How do I stop myself going back to her as the good times seem
 to pull me as at least when they were happening it felt better than it does now

Just try to have faith in this message board, and in what so many people here have been through. So many people are saying the same things. It may not make sense now, but hopefully it will in the future, after you've healed.

6) How can I find any hope that there will be better in my future?

I wish I knew. I'm struggling so much right now. I feel hopeless and often suicidal. I'm depressed, and started some meds. You might want to consider that.

[doy]

butterflylove, some words for you.    codependency is not the worst ... .you can deal with it , recognizing is half the work and it sounds like you did.
you sound like a sweet and caring person , and chances are you attract love that is healthy for you. you just feel like sh*t right now but don't be fooled by that... things change, all the time.
i think emotional wounds heal in the same way like physical ones. some people ignore that because its not tangible but they really work the same. some people heal faster than others, but if you take away the cause and take proper care over time you will heal. no matter what.
just make sure you only surround yourself with people and things that make you feel safe and do not damage you. don't put too much pressure on the fractures. be kind to yourself even in the darkest of darkness. you deserve a happy you .

[butterflylove]

Thank you so much for that. Today was particularly bad for me. Staying on this forum really re helped a lot.