Looking back after seven years...Much more detachment...Stronger boundaries

[findingmyselfagain]

It's been almost 7 years since the r/s ended. I never once thought it would be so difficult to get over. It was typical, I suppose, rush to get engaged, passionate, and sudden ending just after the wedding shower. Later she revealed to me that she was having terrible panic attacks. I was totally clueless at the time as to what the heck could have happened. I thought it had to have been real love so I made a huge effort to figure it out. I finally found BPD by repeated Google searches and it hit the nail on the head. Especially the Waif. I made friends with a pwBPD blogger who helped me write a letter to my ex. I even joined a local support group for pwBPDs and pretty sure the leader wanted to date me but I was smart enough then. My ex seemed somewhat open to hanging out but she was also very abrasive. Eventually our emailing became more sporadic and once she finally just went off on me I realized that I didn't deserve that kind of treatment.

Fast forward to my feelings now. I don't know if I can say I'm 100% indifferent, but I would not want to talk to her or spend time with her under any circumstances. I would delete or run. I can recognize that she's someone that you can't even have an equal friendship. I feel bad for her, but realize that it's not my problem. It wouldn't serve me, or either one of us, for me to keep playing the game.

My boundaries are stronger now and I'm not nearly as co-dependent as I once was. I don't seek out friendships that are difficult or that involve troubled people. I don't go out of my way to include people in my life who don't make the effort to be included. Compassion was my hook for expwBPD. Now I recognized you can be compassionate and serve yourself and the world better by allowing others to wake up and smell their own coffee.

I'm probably not quite as nice as I used to be. I'm willing to stick to my guns even if I have to be a little unpleasant. I didn't recognize it at the time of my former r/s, but I cut off the angry side of my personality as a reaction to my own mother's temper. As a child I had to find some way to protect myself from her angry outbursts. I don't think my childhood was terrible, but my mother definitely had a short, strong fuse and I sometimes wonder if she suffered from BPD. She divorced my father and had me convinced he was a bad person until I knew him as an adult. When she would meet romantic interests she fell completely head over heels for them and they were "WONDERFUL." Sounds awfully familiar to me!

I feel like going forward I'll continue to me more emotionally stable/whole and healthy. The former relationship was a rough wake up call. But I see now I needed it. I'm extraordinarily blessed that we didn't marry and have a baby immediately like she wanted. Once I did see the real her I doubt I would have stuck around and allowed myself to be tortured. I am that smart. It's an odd feeling knowhing you could seem to be that close to someone and then realize that you'll likely never be able to have contact, but that's life, right? People, jobs, everything changes. Tragedies happen. Good things happen too. I understand the idea of "acceptance" a lot better now... .accepting that some things just happen. That it's just a part of life. The important thing is to learn and grow and try to stay self-aware.

[heartandwhole]

Hi findingmyselfagain,

Thank you for sharing thus inventory. It sounds like you have grown from your experience, and continue to. I think that is the kind of outcome that most of want. I can relate to much of what you wrote. It was a real surprise for me when I realized that some of my family members may have BPD and/or traits. But it also explained a lot, and helped me understand my own behavior better.

It also seems to me that my relationship with pwBPD was a sobering influence. What I mean is that I used to be kind of dreamy and romantic. Now, instead of dreaming of an otherworldly connection with a romantic partner, I think I'd run away from that as fast as I could. I'm much more interested in practical matters and using my head as well as my heart. It may just be maturity, but I do think my experience with pwBPD was a big influence.

Have you found that with your boundaries and honesty that your relationships are richer now?

heartandwhole

[findingmyselfagain]

Yes, I think so. I'm no longer attracted to people that need rescuing or you might describe as high-maintenance. I don't chase after friendships. If something isn't easy, or if it doesn't feel right, I let it go. I find myself much more at peace. The painful b/u doesn't sting nearly as much as it used to. I still have that compassionate side. I know factually that her pain/chaos is out of my control and it's fine for me to go about my life. It's much, much easier now than it used to be. It seems strange to have thought I was so close someone and now I know how weak that foundation really was. It blows my mind. It's a part of life, the good, pain, loss, recovery. Life is a rich experience if you look at it that way. Pushing forward and growing and accepting yourself and others. Changing what you can and not worrying about what you can't.

I can relate to your feelings about romance. I let myself fall in love with my pwBPD and just left my heart wide open. My pastor sometimes says that the best marriages are boring but you never hear about them. I think that's true. Just simple, loving commitment builds a healthier love than the flames of passion that can fade so fast. If it wasn't for that hard fall after the break up I don't know when I would have woken up and looked myself in the mirror. I realize now that I had my owns fears of intimacy from my childhood... .abrasive, temperamental parent and having to grow up and take responsibility too fast. It's so good to have all of that self-awareness now and to be able to let go and enjoy what I do have. Easier said than done sometimes.