Realizing what's been in front of me all my life...

[Sophistigoth13]

Where to start... .

I've long had problems in my family relationships. We have a history of trauma, emotional abuse, and abandonment. I won't go into that at this time, but suffice to say, as someone who has just finished a master's degree in counseling, I'm still confused as to how I didn't see this sooner.

My youngest sister is seeing a therapist right now, and he told her it sounds like my mother has characteristics of BPD. I am not in the habit of diagnosing family and friends, and I had never considered this before. Curiosity got the best of me and I consulted my DSM to find that the criteria do sound a lot like my mother, and EXACTLY like my middle sister.

It's all starting to make sense. The constant "you're the best thing in my life/I hate you, stay out of my life, you've never done anything for me". The complete withdrawal of love or support any time I disagree or go against what has been determined to be the rules. The manipulation using guilt and shame. I'm always wrong. I always have to apologize. There is always an excuse for why it's not their fault (either because it's my fault, or because they're CONSTANTLY going through something that can explain away their outbursts).

I've been in a bad spot with my mom for a few weeks. I asked her about a conversation she had with my sister and she told me to not speak to her and ignored me for over a week. Even when I most recently spoke to her, she was still mad. I've been considering what our relationship can look like moving forward, and now that I suspect this diagnosis, I have no idea how to move forward.

I want to be clear, I am not diagnosing my family members, I merely can't ignore the fact that this diagnosis is probable for both of them, and I have no idea what to do with this information. I can't "un-know" it.

If anyone has questions or wants more information, please just let me know, I'd be happy to elaborate.

[HeidiLou]

I can relate to not seeing the truth hiding in plane sight.  Seven yrs into studying psychology before the penny dropped.  I saw a lecture https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEp4LDk7ikU, it explains the biological consequences of emotional neglect.  The poverty aspect may not apply, but the outcome is straight from inside my head. 

[Panda39]

Hi Sophistigoth13,

I wanted to welcome you to the BPD Family 

No worries about "diagnosing" your family members, I would dare say that most of us are here because of someone undiagnosed who's behaviors just fit the criteria for BPD.  Diagnosed or undiagnosed the members here "get it" because all of us have someone in our lives with BPD or BPD Traits.  I'm on these boards because my SO (significant other) has an uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife).

How are you feeling about putting this together?  I'm coming at this from a different angle so my reaction might be different than yours, but I felt a sense of relief that there was a name for what was going on.  It set me on a path to learn and understand that led me here.

What can we do for you?

It sounds like you have been experiencing what we call FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or Emotional blackmail you are not alone there it seems to be a very common behavior.  I think as you checkout the posts of other members you will discover you have a lot in common with others here.

Below are a couple links to more on FOG... .

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

I also wanted to point out the box to the right -> each item is a link to more information so if something resonates with you just click on the topic for more information.

I know other members will be along to say hello and welcome.

I'm glad you've joined us 

Take Care,
Panda39

[Sophistigoth13]

Hi Panda39,

Thanks for your response!

I can't say I feel good about putting this together, at least not yet. I've kind of wondered for a long time, "what if they can't help what they're doing?"

There's a bit of a solace in feeling like maybe I know where it comes from, but as a therapist, I also know that it's one of the hardest disorders to treat. Also knowing my mother and sister, I can't even imagine them getting treatment.

What I have to work on now is boundaries. I've been saying that for years. Hopefully now, with this information I will be better about it.

I mostly came here to just read other people's stories, and maybe share some of my own perspective, to connect with some people who have gone through similar things.

Thank you for the things you shared and your kindness!

[Panda39]

I agree boundaries are key to your own well being and I'm sure you know how hard boundaries are when you have a "boundary busting" person with BPD in your life. I know you probably already know this but I still like to share my simple little analogy  because I want to reinforce how important it is to not only have a boundary but to enforce your boundary.

Little kid asks mom for candy, mom says no... .kid pouts.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid whines.  Little kid asks mom again for some candy, mom says no... .kid has a full on melt down screaming tantrum. What happens if mom gives in and gets the candy?  That little kid has just learned that having a screaming tantrum will get them what they want.  What happens if mom doesn't give in? The kid learns that no means no and he gives up.

Have you thought about some boundaries you'd like to set? Are there areas or interactions that are particularly difficult?

I've got more reading for you  Hope this information resonates and is helpful.  Even though I don't have a BPDmom I watch my SO's daughters struggle with boundaries around their mom.  It's particularly tough this time of year with Mother's Day right around the corner, it's such a "loaded" holiday when you have a less than ideal relationship with mom.

https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a120.htm
https://bpdfamily.com/content/values-and-boundaries
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=167368.0

Panda39