Undiagnosed BPD/NPD mother

[Depression = 72% of members]

Greetings.  I'm glad to have found this forum and am the adult child of a mentally ill mother and enabling father.  

My mother seems to have BPD and NPD, though she will not go to a therapist so it's undiagnosed.  I've subsequently had several female authority/mother figures in my life who share similar traits.  For over a decade, I've done self work through therapy and psychology studies.  A couple of years ago, I tried to set relationship boundaries with my mother for the first time.  It did not go well and was not understood by my mom.  She has been on a rampage of rage, victim hood, projection, etc etc etc. One bright side is that it did greatly clarify for me the extent of her disorder and helped me to accept the difficulties that have arisen from it and the family-dynamic around it.  I've since gone to CoDA meetings for the past year and feel ready to attempt a (hopefully just casual, not close) relationship again with her... .but I do feel really confused about how to communicate with her... .
We over 3000 miles from each other, and this seems to increase the misunderstandings.  It feels like I don't really exist for her but that there is a fantasy of me... .I also left home at 14 to boarding school, so we have not lived together for decades.  Mostly, we can communicate via the phone or email... .as a not highly-verbal person, I feel especially at a lost when I'm on the phone with her. Ugh. 
I'm here to hopefully learn more about what is useful and what is not... .

That's all for now.  Thanks for listening!  

[Peacewithin]

Greetings.  I'm glad to have found this forum and am the adult child of a mentally ill mother and enabling father.  

My mother seems to have BPD and NPD, though she will not go to a therapist so it's undiagnosed.  I've subsequently had several female authority/mother figures in my life who share similar traits.  For over a decade, I've done self work through therapy and psychology studies.  A couple of years ago, I tried to set relationship boundaries with my mother for the first time.  It did not go well and was not understood by my mom.  She has been on a rampage of rage, victim hood, projection, etc etc etc. One bright side is that it did greatly clarify for me the extent of her disorder and helped me to accept the difficulties that have arisen from it and the family-dynamic around it.  I've since gone to CoDA meetings for the past year and feel ready to attempt a (hopefully just casual, not close) relationship again with her... .but I do feel really confused about how to communicate with her... .
We over 3000 miles from each other, and this seems to increase the misunderstandings.  It feels like I don't really exist for her but that there is a fantasy of me... .I also left home at 14 to boarding school, so we have not lived together for decades.  Mostly, we can communicate via the phone or email... .as a not highly-verbal person, I feel especially at a lost when I'm on the phone with her. Ugh. 
I'm here to hopefully learn more about what is useful and what is not... .

That's all for now.  Thanks for listening!  

[Turkish]

Hello Peacewithin,



Regarding the other mother figures in your life,  do you think your relationship dynamic with your mother led you into these relationships? How did you detach from them?

The communication with your mother sounds strained given the history.  This communication tool can help.  I've found it to be helpful verbally as well:

Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm (BIFF)

We look forward to hearing more of your story and how best we can help  

Turkish

[Peacewithin]

Thank you for the link, Turkish!

Yes, the dynamic with my Mom definitely led me into the other relationships... .in detaching from them, I've chosen to move on to different jobs.  Two of them were highly narcissistic, perhaps BPD bosses.  A third was the most challenging... .first, she was my client, then she was my practitioner... .that continued while she also became my teacher, mentor, colleague and friend.  It got really confusing, but I wizened up to what was going on.  She is undiagnosed BPD and narcissistic.  She actually "saved" me from one of the bosses... . 

 

[Panda39]

Hi Peacewithin,

I want to join Turkish and welcome you to the BPD Family 

If this were me, I would start by using email it slows down the interaction so you can really think about what is being communicated to you and you can really think about your response back.  Take your time in responding, maybe wait 24 hours.  It helps keep those pesky knee jerk reactions that we can have out of the communication.

If her communication to you is abusive, critical, mean, accusatory, hurtful or a put down... .basically untrue or invalid you don't have to respond, in fact I wouldn't respond.  We have a saying around here, don't validate the invalid. If the email is a mixed bag, good and negative only respond to the good portion and ignore the negative piece.

Turkish's suggestion of using BIFF is a great idea, and I would add being a visual person I would send pictures... .something you think she might like or be interested in, if she likes quilting include a picture of a quilt, gardening... .picture of flowers, favorite TV show an article about the show/cast.  I would keep what you share about your personal life at arms length... .set some boundaries about what you feel comfortable sharing with her. 

By the way you are communicating perfectly clearly to me here today, have you ever thought that your mom is twisting what you are saying around to suit her own purposes or because of her own distortions, so she can be the victim?  I see my SO's (significant other's) uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) do this type of thing frequently in relation to their 2 daughters. I would argue that your communication issues with your mother have a lot more to do with her than with you.

I'm so glad you've decided to join us, we all "get it" because we all have someone with BPD in our lives.  The members here are very supportive, have great ideas and suggestions, and the site has a lot of tools that can help.  By the way I also want to point out the box to the right --> each item in the box is a link to more information just click on anything that resonates. 

Take Care,
Panda39

[Peacewithin]

Hi, Panda39!  

Thank you for the welcome!

I appreciate your advice.  Not responding to the negative/hurtful/"entirely different reality" bits feels relieving.  Last week, I spent a ton of time trying to figure out how to respond to a text that made no sense to me... . In the end, I responded to the parts that I understood, mostly acknowledging her feelings... .and then bought time by saying that I was still considering how to respond to the rest... .She ended up calling and we had a really short, civil, not painful to me conversation.  Woohoo!  

Sending pleasant pics and not going into depth about myself also feels right.  I've had to mourn not having a mom that I can actually share myself with... .but have worked hard in therapy to mother myself, as it were... .

And, thank you so much for the validation about my communication abilities.  I've doubted them my whole life... .fortunately, I've been seeing more and more clearly how my mom's reality is often just not true to mine.  Going to CoDA meetings for the past year has really been helping me sort out what's mine and what's not... .

Thank you, again!  I'm really glad to have found this site.