Being heard

[eggfry]

Why is it such a struggle to have a conversation? I understand pwBPD's have difficulty speaking about things they may feel guilty about. Sometimes I just want to vent and be heard and every time my pwBPD thinks everything is related or has to do with him. And when it is about him we never talk about it. Because he's always trying to avoid feeling bad. I wanted him to read a text I wrote to him awhile back when I was feeling down, life was really getting to me. Stress of everyday work, friends, living abroad. He didn't read it, even after saying he would, promising. And then when I reminded him, asked him today. He responded with "If it's anything you've said before I'm going to lose it" He then to avoid the conversation accused me of manipulating him that I wanted to elicit a response. And started bringing up the past, anything to just avoid it. He's not even mentioned in it. I kept telling him it has nothing to do with him. I just want to be heard by the person I love, why is this so hard?

What has worked for you? How can you just have a conversation without being called the worst person ever?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[JoeBPD81]

I wish I had the answer.  I'm sorry life is being too much, at least we hear you and you can always vent here.

It's frustrating when we also want to be heard and validated, and they hear accusations and fight back. I'm exactly there. The more we ask for help, the more pain they give us. My gf realizes this and then she says we can't be together when I need her most.

I wish I can learn to radically accept this situation. I have to think that behind all the disregulated behavior and the things she says then, there is a person that loves me. And when she returns to base line she would be able to talk. But until then, I'm alone, and it's not easy nor fair.

Well, being here is part of not being alone. I hope it helps you a bit. Do you have people to talk to near you?  Please, stay strong, maybe someone has some great advice for us.

[Tattered Heart]

I'm so sorry eggfry. It's hurtful when you want/need emotional support from your SO, but they are unable to provide it. Sadly, it's something they may not be able to give. This is where learning self care is important and having a support system helps. Do you have a friend or other confidant you can talk to? Are there any outlets that can help you with stress relief?

I know for my H it scares him when I share distressing emotions. He often gets mad at me for it because I think in his mind, he expects me to be the strong one. Other times it seems like he gets upset that my emotions are taking away from his attention. Either way, it often leaves me feeling alone. Things that I do when I am needing to vent or share but cannot share with my H are praying, talking to a friend, and writing it down. Sometimes, I'll go find somewhere private and just cry and talk about it outloud.

[isilme]

You are in a relationship with an emotionally disabled person.  I have to think of it this way - it helps me not resent or feel too upset that H has limits on the support he can provide for me emotionally.  If he was wheelchair bound, I'd not be able to get too upset at his inability to help with yard work or change light bulbs - he just wouldn't be able to do them.

So BPD is an emotional disability.  I think sometimes it makes the person with is so full and overwhelmed with their own emotions they really forget that we have our own.  This can make us feel isolated and with little recourse to vent ourselves.

[eggfry]

It took a bit of time to get there. He had to have an outburst first. Rage a bit, yell, leave me, threaten to never speak again to only call a few hours later. Next time, calmer, much more level and he then read the text and apologized. Unfortunately, as much progress that was made from the moment by being able to talk about things in a calm and controlled manner. There's always something new and another topic to blame someone else on.

 

It's frustrating when we also want to be heard and validated, and they hear accusations and fight back. I'm exactly there. The more we ask for help, the more pain they give us. My gf realizes this and then she says we can't be together when I need her most.

I wish I can learn to radically accept this situation. I have to think that behind all the disregulated behavior and the things she says then, there is a person that loves me. And when she returns to base line she would be able to talk. But until then, I'm alone, and it's not easy nor fair.

Thank you, you summarized exactly how I feel. It's usually when I'm at my worst he decides it's time to leave or that I'm too good for him. I wish I had more people to talk to but most of my friends are pretty fed up with my S.O. and it's difficult for them to understand. He's also decided that he hates them now because they distanced themselves. So as a result, we both are a bit isolated.

You are in a relationship with an emotionally disabled person.  I have to think of it this way - it helps me not resent or feel too upset that H has limits on the support he can provide for me emotionally.  If he was wheelchair bound, I'd not be able to get too upset at his inability to help with yard work or change light bulbs - he just wouldn't be able to do them.

It's something that I definitely need to start thinking or seeing his BPD in a different way. You make a really great point that if it was another disability we'd have different expectations. How do you cope with things that you're going through when you need support from your H? Can they support us in a limited way? Or is just better to think that they can't manage it at all?

[Coconut2017]

You are in a relationship with an emotionally disabled person.  I have to think of it this way - it helps me not resent or feel too upset that H has limits on the support he can provide for me emotionally.  If he was wheelchair bound, I'd not be able to get too upset at his inability to help with yard work or change light bulbs - he just wouldn't be able to do them.

So BPD is an emotional disability.  I think sometimes it makes the person with is so full and overwhelmed with their own emotions they really forget that we have our own.  This can make us feel isolated and with little recourse to vent ourselves.

This is what helps me most of the time. I remind myself that my H is ill.
But I totally feel your pain.
My H always expects to be heard and understood without interruptions but when I asked for the same in return, I don't get it.
It feels like there is no place for my needs and feelings. He takes everything as an attack on him which then induces severe defence response and rage and it's impossible for me to have a normal conversation if any of my upsets/hurts are to do with him.
Lately I have discovered EFT.  Awesome tool to calm my emotions.
Talking to my T and close friends also helps a lot to feel less lonely in my pain.