I think it's really over and I feel so alone.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

She left again last month, this time I think forever. I've tried seeing it all unfold from the start. Dumping me for being too quiet, getting mad at the way I answer the phone. Accusations when I missed her call even when I called right back. Accusations that I still can't understand. All this craziness drove me to be hurtful back and I regret it. Today I emailed her and said "if you really ever wanted to see me happy, you would have never come back into my life." I hate her and love her. I hate that she gave me the best memories of my life and took it all away in an instant. I hate that when I tried to move back home to get away from her, she showed up, needing a place to stay and moved in with me after breaking up with someone else. I hate her for that. I denied an amazing carreer opportunity to be there for her, just so she could leave me again. I don't even know if I can ever love again. My soul feels dead.

[Imsosad]

She left again last month, this time I think forever. I've tried seeing it all unfold from the start. Dumping me for being too quiet, getting mad at the way I answer the phone. Accusations when I missed her call even when I called right back. Accusations that I still can't understand. All this craziness drove me to be hurtful back and I regret it. Today I emailed her and said "if you really ever wanted to see me happy, you would have never come back into my life." I hate her and love her. I hate that she gave me the best memories of my life and took it all away in an instant. I hate that when I tried to move back home to get away from her, she showed up, needing a place to stay and moved in with me after breaking up with someone else. I hate her for that. I denied an amazing carreer opportunity to be there for her, just so she could leave me again. I don't even know if I can ever love again. My soul feels dead.

[happendtome]

Yes, i know the feeling. I see myself each day more clearly that its over with me and my ex. There have been moments when i have wanted to reach out, but i have been strong. Thats the only way to go, because even if i would reach her then i know that she would gain power over me and that relationship wouldnt be fair in any possible way. I cant let myself abused.

Im starting to come out from the fog, i can sleep etc, so im moving on. Recently also logical thoughts have started to occupy my mind where i actually see (before it was more like justifying myself that im doing the right thing) that it wouldnt have worked out. And yes, there are already moments when i feel relieved. I dont have to deal with that crazy stuff, i dont have to pretend. Its getting better. It has been 2 steps ahead and one behind, but i dont feel so depressed any more.

[Mavrik]

Imsosad, like your name suggests so are all of us.

From having an intense relationship and being loved like no other, to endless fights, put downs and pain.

You gave up a lot for her, now ask yourself  'why'? A lot of your questions will never be answered that's for certain.

The saddest part of being in a relationship with a BPD person, your in so much pain and upset, however she won't be, she'll move on quickly as if nothing has happened onto the next person.

You need to protect yourself, go no contact the not to engage her as she will charm you back in and do it all over again, do you really need this pain again and again.

Time will heal, you will relapse, you will want to reach out, it's something we all experience. Keep posting on this forum and ask questions as the more you learn the more you sadly realise that it would never have worked out and whatever message you send her can have a negative impact and won't have the desired outcome you maybe wanting

[once removed]

hi Imsosad,

im sorry to hear youre hurting, and i can really feel your pain 

i want you to know that it gets better. it wont always feel that way, and sometimes it gets worse before it gets better; recovery isnt linear, and there will be ups and downs, sometimes volatile. i still remember going from feeling on top of the world, and then hearing a little voice in my head say "she hurt me so bad" and crying my eyes out. this is hard. we are here to support you and help you through it, and im here to tell you that it does get better. hang in there.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Imsosad, I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  I would echo once removed and say that it does get better, as I'm here to confirm.  Detaching is a painful process, but it leads to new growth and greater happiness, so hang in there.  LJ