Found myself having facebook messenger chat with her...

[Infern0]

I guess i am currently shall we say... ."sailing in murky waters"

I told how she broke NC a couple of weeks back but i did not reply.

Well she tried again yesterday and somehow i have ended up having this exchange of facebook messages where she is being super friendly and  also asking me 20 questions about my life.

I'm putting the computer down and heading out for a LONG walk, because i'm not sure i need this after over 7 months of NC.

Just a warning, you might think you are clear of trouble but don't underestimate it, I honestly thought i would NEVER hear from her again let alone have her potentially weighing up a possible recycle attempt.

you are NEVER clear until you are in your own head. Situationally, you never will be.

[IamGrey]

How did she manage to message you on FB? If my ex wanted to contact me, she'd have a hell of a job. NC for me actually means blocking all methods of contact and if she did work her way around that, she'd be ignored. I refuse to be drawn back into her chaos.

I hope you don't undo all of those months of hard work mate.

[Infern0]

How did she manage to message you on FB? If my ex wanted to contact me, she'd have a hell of a job. NC for me actually means blocking all methods of contact and if she did work her way around that, she'd be ignored. I refuse to be drawn back into her chaos.

I hope you don't undo all of those months of hard work mate.

Made a new facebook.

[kc sunshine]

Wow, murky waters indeed!

What thoughts/beliefs might make you vulnerable to getting back together with her?

For me, I think they are: a sense that we are "meant to be together," that I have a "lot to learn from her," the thought that some of her reasons for breaking up with me in the past are valid and that I could do better on those fronts (i.e. I could "improve", and also the thought that I am tough enough to take what she dishes out. Those are my achilles heel, open the-door-for-the-trojan-horse thoughts-- how about for you?


 

[Infern0]

Wow, murky waters indeed!

What thoughts/beliefs might make you vulnerable to getting back together with her?

For me, I think they are: a sense that we are "meant to be together," that I have a "lot to learn from her," the thought that some of her reasons for breaking up with me in the past are valid and that I could do better on those fronts (i.e. I could "improve", and also the thought that I am tough enough to take what she dishes out. Those are my achilles heel, open the-door-for-the-trojan-horse thoughts-- how about for you?


 

Certainly agree with most of those

"Im stronger now" is another one, and while that is true i dont know if its relevant.

Anyway may be worrying about nothing eh?

[RomanticFool]

InfernO,

I am the master of abuse amnesia. Every time I hear from mine I challenge her about the way she has treated me and once she responds like a BPD does, with anger, resentment and probably splitting me black, I'm then ready to let bygones be bygones. Basically, I get bored with going around in circles and I start thinking about getting her into bed. Part of me doesn't care anymore about her BPD because I'm sick and tired of the whole thing. Further to what KC says, I tell myself that I've learnt so much in the 6 weeks of deeply depressive agony she has put me through that I can now manage to not get emotionally involved and just sleep with her.

There is an slogan in AA that goes: ':)o you know what the ism in alcoholism stands for? Incredibly short memory.' That also applies here. My overriding desire is to rip her clothes off and get intimate and sexual with her and so I would run the gauntlet of her terrible abuse in order to achieve this aim now that I'm six weeks wiser. That is addiction talking. Love and sex addiction. It is said that the chronic alcoholic takes the notion that he can control his drinking to the brink of death. That is exactly what we are doing with these people every time we let them back in.

I basically called her a liar and a cheat today and said she hasn't even apologised for the way she treated me. Despite everything I have been told on here, those words came out of my mouth. That would be fine if I am serious about the whole no contact issue, but then I texted her saying how much I've missed her. I am addicted to her and her abuse. I need help. That's why I am going to keep coming back here. I'm going to keep trying no contact.

[kc sunshine]

yeah, i have abuse amnesia too! Let's remind each other of the bad stuff. Here's my top 3 worst things: 

1. horrible jealousy that started to extend to friends as well as exes
2. going home with another guy after a concert we were at together
3. ugh, these are all so hard to write-- a horrible open relationship situation in which she started to devalue me worse and worse

[kc sunshine]

In what sense, worrying about nothing?

It seems like she is coming on pretty strong... .creating a new facebook account, persistently trying to contact you... .seems like something to me. Sending strength and clarity.

Anyway may be worrying about nothing eh?

[Skip]

No contact will help us for 5 or 6 weeks, but the goal is detachment. Until we detach, we're still in the game - doesn't matter if our phone is in a lead vault.

Infern0, why do you think she keeps coming back and you two keep recycling? Is it to heal from her most recent breakup before moving on again?

[Infern0]

No contact will help us for 5 or 6 weeks, but the goal is detachment. Until we detach, we're still in the game - doesn't matter if our phone is in a lead vault.

Infern0, why do you think she keeps coming back and you two keep recycling? Is it to heal from her most recent breakup before moving on again?

Its an interesting question, im really not sure of the answer though. I know why i recycle, im still very attracted to her, well i still have some feelings for her.

I get myself in sort of a precarious position because i have been doing a lot of self work and a lot of that is looking at my mistakes in the relationship, to be honest skip i had no idea what i was doing, total codependent, made a lot of mistakes, inexperienced etc.

Its dangerous but it does get you to thinking "well now maybe itd be different" etc

As to why she comes back to me, no idea. I do seem to have an ability to "recover" from her that her other partners lack

[CloseToFreedom]

Infern0, wow, I know the feeling all too well. You finally get that validation you've been missing since she has left and you feel like you are walking on clouds - but also deep down you have this nagging feeling that things aren't real. Please listen to that nagging feeling, because it's the truth.

In my relationship I was recycled 10 times or so. Then the past two years we were seperated and I finally could work on myself and start feeling better. Earlier this year I was recycled again, for one month. Let me tell you, its just NOT worth it. She told me everything I always wanted to hear. How I was the best for her, how she realised now how good I was for her, how we were made for each other, how she now realised what a ___ she used to be, how she was changed.

It only took a few weeks of heaven for things to turn sour again. They can only put up the act for so long, and as you've already been through the crapstorm, the good part will last so much shorter. She knows you can see through her bullcrap and that will trigger her much sooner than in the old days.

I haven't wasted all my progress I've made in the two years in that small month of recycle, but I can tell you its a huge setback. It has given me weeks of unhealthy living, obsessive thoughts and depressive feelings that I'm only now sloowly getting out of. Don't kid yourself, they can very easily destroy almost all the process you have made. They are that powerful, unfortunately, and they are so powerful when we give them that power. If you keep closing yourself off for that power, you will be met with some resistance, but she will be gone soon enough, trying to get supply from another sorry sap.

Don't fall for it. It is NOT worth it. Of course, easier said than done - I fooled myself into thinking our situation was different as well. But in the end, the folks here were right. Recycles don't work. You're in for hell.

As to why she comes back to me, no idea. I do seem to have an ability to "recover" from her that her other partners lack

Oh and this, my friend, just means: You put up with more crap than the others. Your boundaries are weaker. The other guys had their taste and had enough. You seem to want some more pain. Well, go and get it.

Sorry for the hard love, friend, but I hope that you open your eyes in time. I know I didn't.

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Inferno, cheering for you and your highest snd best self!

Twenty-two years ago I took a stop-smoking class.  One of the most important things the instructor did for me/the class was highlight the intervals at which we were most likely to relapse:  day 1, day 5, day 7, 1 month 2 months, 3 months,, 6 months, 1 year, 5 years, 10 years, 20 years, etc. 

This has been SO helpful to me as I have gone thru the years to (a) anticipate likely tempration, be on the lookout for.it, and successfully guard against it, and (b) remind me of my ongoing susceptibility to the delusion that I can smoke " just this.once... .now... .after so many.years." 

While I rarely if ever have the urge, I am VERY grateful to know to not fall for its tricks.  It may even actually be true that I could smoke and not get hooked.  But the "reward" is definitely not wirth the RISK.  I do not want to go back to that lifestyle and I NEVER want to go thru the hell of quitting again. 

This has served me well as I have not smomed in 22 years despite having dated, interestingly, several smokers.  While I never want to go back to it, I am also not exceedingly bothered by it either. 

Likewise, I have been wonderfully forewarned about my uBPDbf thru someone else's painful experience. Post-b/u, my ex seriously stalked me for 10 months conracting me about 600+ times within.that period. My sister has a friend whose mother was stalked when my sister's friend was a teenager.  It got so bad the mother and daughter had to move.  The stalking finally ended and they got their lives back.  Twenty.years later the stalker found the mom on FB, reached out, and she thought "it will be fine after all this time," re-engaged and the stalking began again.  He went so far as to break-in their apartment. 

While I am sad for them, I am SO grateful to know this story so that I NEVER respond to my ex again.  Not.now and.not in 20+ years.  For me, like smoking, it is a non-negotiable, NEVER again situation.

My ex's behavior was incredibly destructive especially.to my daughter.  The gift in his extreme behavior is my blinders had to come off.  Had to stay off. While your ex might be less extreme, I doubt she is any less dangerous to you and your well-being. 

Stay the course and may you not find yourself "accidently there" again. 

XOXO
RML

[Skip]

You've grown a lot. I seen it over the years. You've done a good work on your relationship skills. Be proud of that. They will serve you well.

I think you have done what you could, here. You've not only worked on yourself, but you have been forgiving. Clearly she has trust and and enjoys the safe place you provide for her when she needs it.

Sometime our own improvement leads the way for our partner to improve. Sometimes we just become enablers. You never know how it is going to turn out, you just have to play it out to see.

At this point, you've done that. There is a pattern to your relationship that has you in the role of fallback guy. One time is possibly understandable. Twice, is not. Three or more, ughh 

[kc sunshine]

How is it going Infern0?

[Infern0]

How is it going Infern0?

Hey

No further contact since, we messaged for a couple of hours, and then i stopped replying went for a walk and cleared my head and just left it at that.

Been on a bit of a job hunt and hitting the gym, sorting a few things out so emotionally i am in a good place.

Not too sure if i hear from her again or not, I have a lot going on right now so to be honest i'm glad she hasn't contacted me again, but we will see what happens. The convo was ok, polite etc no bad blood, like i say we see how it goes.

[Lucky Jim]

to be honest i'm glad she hasn't contacted me again, but we will see what happens. The convo was ok, polite etc no bad blood, like i say we see how it goes.

Hey InfernO, I note that you are leaving it up to her in terms of seeing what happens, or seeing how it goes.  Why is that?  You are the Captain of your own ship, not her.  Are you interested in a recycle or not?  Plenty of us have recycled (including me) only to find out that we wind up in the same place, except with more pain.  Suggest you proceed with caution: it's dangerous to dip your toe back in the BPD swamp -- there are alligators in there!

LuckyJim

[1989]

Inferno,

How many times do you have to play with fire to learn you are not fireproof?  She makes contact ONLY to confirm that she still can. 

I hate seeing you get back on your feet just to be knocked down again. 

You are using the exact same language you have used for the past three times she has contacted you.  Nothing has changed. 

If you want peace and happiness, you cannot have her in your life.  Period. 

She has a special kind of way of injuring you.  You are not immune to it and will never be. 

[Infern0]

Hey InfernO, I note that you are leaving it up to her in terms of seeing what happens, or seeing how it goes.  Why is that?  You are the Captain of your own ship, not her.  Are you interested in a recycle or not?  Plenty of us have recycled (including me) only to find out that we wind up in the same place, except with more pain.  Suggest you proceed with caution: it's dangerous to dip your toe back in the BPD swamp -- there are alligators in there!

LuckyJim

Honestly man I really don't know.

As i say i have a very busy couple of weeks she reached out we talked, and it's been left at that and i'm ok with that.

That's really all i can say for now, maybe in a few days when everything else in my life quietens down i'll give it some more thought but right now, too busy to even think.

[Skip]

It's OK to say you would try again if she is open to it. It's also OK to talk with her. We can move this to "Conflicted" or "Saving" if you want.

My suggestion is don't wing it, or play it by ear, or leave it up to her - that has lead to many impulsive reunions in the past.

Talk it through. Decide what you want and what us healthy.

[Infern0]

It's OK to say you would try again if she is open to it. It's also OK to talk with her. We can move this to "Conflicted" or "Saving" if you want.

My suggestion is don't wing it, or play it by ear, or leave it up to her - that has lead to many impulsive reunions in the past.

Talk it through. Decide what you want and what us healthy.

Yeah move it to undecided. I'll update as needed. Im literally waiting for a job interview right now so you know, priorities.

Main question is figuring out her angle. Id rather not waste energy thinking about what i want if theres no point, you know?

[Skip]

Main question is figuring out her angle.

Do you think that under any circumstances, the two of you could have an extended, monogamous relationship?

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Main question is figuring out her angle.

Infern0, do you.reckon you already know her angle? 

My best guess is that while you might hope and want it to be something different or better, you, in fact, do ALREADY  KNOW HER ANGLE. 

Post-b/u, there were many times I wanted to believe my ex's angle was one thing or another, but the facts were that he manipulated, he lied, he stole, and he used me.  He may have also truly loved me (I suspect he did), but that didn't make those other CRITICAL and UNACCEPTABLE facts any less true. 

Her angle may be more honorable than my ex's, but it isn't any less problematic  for you.

Are you really Undecided or are you just struggling with.detachment at THIS moment because you revonnected with her?  The fact that you reconnected doesn't mean your long term plan of detaching has oe.needs to change.  An alcoholic can have a slip and use the slip as an excuse to say "f*ck itt" and throw in the towel, OR they can have a slip and jump back up on the wagon. 

I, for one, am hoping you jump back up on that wagon!

[Infern0]

It's definitely situational based on current circumstances

I'd say i was "fine" before she contacted, doing well.

Obviously there is still an attachment there on some level.

[Sunfl0wer]

This reminds me of the book Catcher in the Rye.

[Grey Kitty]

Main question is figuring out her angle. Id rather not waste energy thinking about what i want if theres no point, you know?

I'd suggest the exact opposite.

Think about what you want first. Long and hard.

Feel what you want.

What is your heart crying out for?

What are you dreaming of with her?

Only then, think about what she can or will offer you.

This will help keep you from falling into a 'trap' where you chase her feelings and moods which can and will change, and you are always one step behind, wondering what her angle is, and what she's really intending/doing.