help. 16year realtionship over, ex has just been diagnosed with BPD

[Jobloggs]

Hi, not sure what to put. From what I've already read, I guess what I'm going through is standard for splitting with a BPD.
I was with my ex for 16 years since our late teens. Relationship was always turbulent.
Somewhere along the way ot broke me, and I didn't realise I was so depressed. Things weren't good for a while. So my ex cheated and left me.
She didn't even break up with me as such just left and told me she was with someone else. I've begged and begged her to have me back, but she wont. She's being nasty and spiteful claiming that I've abused her. She's currently living in a property we jointly own with her new partner and is refusing to sell the place (which she can do), I'm in the process of getting a court order to force the sale.

She's just making everything as difficult as possible and is being nasty and spiteful at every turn.

I recently wrote her an email to say good bye, saying that I hope she gets the help she needs. She's in serious self destruct mode and is a danger to herself. This resulted in a lot of spiteful hurtful messages.

Whatever I do, I can't seem to move on. Its been 6 months and I'm still a mess.

I can't believe the person I've loved for so long can do this. Logic tells me its the BPD, but I'm not truly sure. I'm beginning to think she's just not a nice person.

Why cant she see what's she's doing? Will she ever regret this?

[Mutt]

Hi Jobloggs,



I'm sorry that you're going through this. I can see how difficult it would be if your ex is living with her partner on joint property.

Whatever I do, I can't seem to move on. Its been 6 months and I'm still a mess.

You've been in a long term r/s, 16 years is a long time, it's going to awhile to process this, you've experience loss. A break-up with a pwBPD is different though, it's really painful

I can't believe the person I've loved for so long can do this. Logic tells me its the BPD, but I'm not truly sure. I'm beginning to think she's just not a nice person.

Where not professionals and can't diagnosed, what we can look at are BPD traits, it sounds like disproportionate anger because her fear of abandonment was triggered, I can relate with that, I was with my ex for 7.5 years and married for 4, I came home after work one day and she said she had something important to tell, she was leaving me. We stayed in the same house for a few months and it was vitriol directed at me almost everyday when she was home, things were bad, but the dial was cranked up to 11 and I think that's what you're talking about.

Read as much as you can about the disorder, you'll quickly see the benefits and become proficient over time. You'll find the lessons on the right side of the board.

Surviving a Break-up when Your Partner has Borderline Personality

[Jobloggs]

Thank you. I'm reading and learning alot.

I know it will never happen, but I hope one day she will regret what she's done.

[Mutt]

Hi Jobloggs,

She grieves differently, the grief and loss is still there she doesn't process it all the way through to acceptance, a pwBPD resort to maladaptive coping mechanisms, it's another broken r/s for her. Do you talk to each other daily?

[Jobloggs]

I didn't talk to her for 6 months (solicitors have been dealing with everything), though a couple of weeks ago she finally agreed access so I could get my things back.

There were a couple of explosive moments, but my family members which were there encouraged us to talk so as not to end it on a bad note so to speak. During this time she told me how her new relationship had failed and that she was a mess, she hadn't cried at all since we split but spent this time sobbing and hugging me. Said she was sorry for everything and missed me and wanted to be friends.

After this I begged her to take me back and she said she would think. We had a couple of text conversations which were nice (she was my best friend). Though then when we spoke about the sale of the property (this was brought with my inheritance-she's taking half as she can) things got nasty. So I said its best to leave it to the solicitors.

I then sent en email mentioned saying good bye. I said I hope in time she will see her part in this, and that o never left as I've always loved. Though I did put some emotion in and say that she's numb as deep down she knows she's messed up and lost the one person that has always been there and always would have been. Bit until she can see that I have to walk away as until then it will be me that sufferers.

This resulted in several abusive messages saying that I'm the worst person in the world basically and that she's still with this other women and that they are perfect and we were always wrong. Rationally I know that's not true and its just said to hurt, but it doesn't stop it hurting.

I made it clear in the email that it was good bye and that until she goes and has therapy and can see what's she's done we will never be in each others lives. As much as its killing me, I have to walk away. I stayed and put up with so much, she left me once I was completely broken, I have to look after me now.

She has a bad family(hence the BPD) and very few friends. I've been there and done all the grown up stuff as she cant. Though I cant do it anymore. Especially with all the hate hate she's projecting.

[lovenature]

Why cant she see what's she's doing? Will she ever regret this?

She can't see what she is doing because she isn't living in the same reality you are most of the time.
Her illness prevents her from regretting what happened through psychological defences: PWBPD can't take the slightest criticism so it only stands to reason they can never take fault for the failure of a relationship.

Keep reading and learning, have as little contact as possible, try to focus on you.

[Mutt]

Hi Jobloggs,

I'd just like to add to what lovenature said about mental illness, sometimes we look at the world from our perspective and how we interpret things, mental illness can also teach us that in fact the world is interpreted by many perspectives and not just ours, it can take to absorb, results may vary that a pwBPD is just wired differently.

[Jobloggs]

Thank you guys. I'm trying very hard and have alot of love and support around me. I've joined a group and spoken to some people with BPD who have been through therapy and are managing it.
I've been told that despite the hateful messages and happy pictures on facebook she's a mess inside.

I just wish she would get some help, and see what's she's doing. I'd still take her back which is ridiculous. Though until she gets help I know it would never work even if she did agree.