Roberto, how are you reading this article in regards to your former relationship's failure/end?
Do you think you failed to cultivate love and gratitude and keep the relationship going, keep from falling out of love, or make it past it?
Do you think she failed that way?
Do you think you both did?
In my old relationships I didn't cultivate this stuff. But as I said I learned in therapy all of these skills. And I used them this time. But she didn't. The age old statement I used to say when I thought we could work on things together was "you have a disney view of a relationship." Meaning she never expected it to go bad. And after the idealization phase it was take, take, take. I allowed it, but when I tried to communicate my concerns it was always shut down.
Old me would have ran right away (I wanted to). But I realized I would have been repeating a dangerous relationship pattern which would have always ended in me ending a relationship. So I tried this time. I gave a lot of my love and sacrifice. I was willing to make compromises. I knew that I couldn't expect things from her. I had to put the work in.
After arguments I would think about the good times, and how the argument could be a learning experience. I didn't let the one bad experience dictate that the relationship was no good.
And then I also became aware of my self-sabotage, as I mentioned. I saw that if I didn't put the work in for once then I was writing my eulogy before I even started.
But she couldn't. After I was "hooked" all the love from her stopped. I became her caretaker. She stopped having interests in my hobbies, wanting to go out, wanting to be a part of my life. She stopped putting the work in. And I guarantee if I talked to her exe's they would say the same thing. That she just stopped being a caring person.
As she told me, the relationship just died. But she is unaware that the relationship will always die if one person is watering the plant while the other doesn't.
I know why. She views love as what her dad gives to her. Unconditional without ever asking for anything in return or feeling an obligation to do anything in return out of love. So it was doomed.
For once I was committed to a relationship. My first BPD relationship I did self-sabotage. She hurt me and I stopped being kind, caring, or attentive at all. I realize that now. In hindsight she cared more about me than this current one. So I made a committment to myself to be a real partner for once. And it just so happens I found someone who didn't share any of the same views. She's doomed to repeat the same patterns. Unless she finds a rich guy who will feed her materialistic needs and be superficial without the need or desire to communicate feelings.
