Happy Mothers Day

[DesertBloom]

So, where to start? My SO and I just recently got back together after 5 months apart, we had been together for a day before that and he called during the aftermath of a hurricane and I had to hang up quickly and he didn't hear me say I loved him so he ended it again after another several months apart. There is so much that happens I don't even know where to begin, but the main issue that I'm confronted with is how he refuses to get off of dating sites and talking to other women. We have been back and forth for over 8 years. Two children together. I moved thousands of miles away because the abuse wouldn't stop (emotional, some physical). I love him deeply and have always had compassion for the pain and insecurities he feels, but no matter what I did, it never seemed to be enough to calm his fear that I wasn't devoted to him. It seems unreal to me, I put a tremendous amount of effort into being "enough" and he always ended up cheating, emotionally and quite possibly physically but He swears that despite the threats and dating sites and exes who didn't know I was in the picture, he turned them down (he says) because he loves me and that his conversations always came back to how he just wants to be with me and nothing is worth losing me and the kids over.
So here I am, trying to understand how I can approach things differently. I am new to BPD. I do not know if he's been diagnosed, but he sure fits the descriptions.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi DesertBloom, 



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I can see how emotionally exausting and heartbreaking it would feel if our pwBPD is emotionally cheating on us. I'm sorry to hear that

A lot of us come here with a lot on our chest and don't know where to starts, that's alright, this place is designed so that you can unload everything here, it takes time to work through this.

I'd advise to read as much as you about the disorder, I know how confusing the behaviors are but if you read about the behaviors there is a reason why a pwBPD behaves the way that he / she behaves. Abandonment fears is a core feature of the disorder, perceived or real, and a pwBPD frantically tries to avoid it.

How old are your kids? How are they doing?

[DesertBloom]

Thank you!
The kids have struggled, mostly my second youngest son. I moved a couple thousand miles away from him to be near family because it was such a high conflict relationship and I had asked for positive action towards more healthy standards to be met and he refused. That was almost two years ago. I have spent a lot of time and effort helping me and the kids heal. My son is finally reaching more of an equilibrium in his behavior (he's 7). He was diagnosed as ADHD and ODD at age 4, and at around age 5 or 6, it was reduced to just ADHD. We've had a lot of support and encouragement from my family here and he's had a lot of wonderful influences. The rest of the children (4 total) have taken time to adjust to things but are finally way more stablized and doing very well.

 It's been mostly within the past few weeks that he's really stepped up. I have read a good deal about abuse in general and just recently came across a resource from here that gave excellent advice on how to approach things with him. I don't know if he's ever had a diagnosis and he refuses to see a therapist or anything, but he and at least one of his siblings fit the description. The approach suggested here is the biggest thing that's had a positive effect on continuing to encourage him to confront his abusive behavior and acting out and move into healthier behavior.
I understand that the cheating and everything has a lot to do with insecurities and that intense fear of abandonment but I've caught him doing it even when things felt good and stable. he keeps that emotional connection and his conversations entirely secret from me. then when I find out, it's my fault. And I can't say with certainty that emotional is as far as he's taken things because when he's upset, he threatens that a lot. The only thing I can think of is to set that boundary and be willing to walk away again. He's planning to move back now that things have improved so much between us, but I think he still has those "connections" open and I'm nervous he'll relapse again and go back entirely into old behavior patterns.

[DesertBloom]

The kids are 4, 7, 9, 13 in a couple weeks

[Mutt]

Hi DesertBloom,

Those are nice ages, I don't have a teenager, I have a tween D11 and I see the changes. Is it really like what they say about teenagers? It sounds like you've done some soul searching. I can relate with being cheated on, I don't really have any advice to give you because it's a personal decision, some people manage to repair the r/s after working hard on the r/s, some don't recover, some choose a different path, you have to look at your values ( boundaries) and see if it's something that goes against your morales and values or something that you can work with.