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Author Topic: Starting to build boundaries  (Read 339 times)
liv89
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 1


« on: May 15, 2017, 10:53:13 PM »

Hello all, this is my first time here so I wanted to give a little intro to my background and current situation.

My mom has untreated BPD combined with some type of thought disorder. She's never been diagnosed by her personal therapist (she rarely keeps them around long enough for anything productive to come out of it), but through my father's and my communications with various other therapists and being able to describe her behaviors and provide examples of her texts, voicemail, and writing, we have gotten a unanimous diagnosis of BPD.

I'm the oldest of 4 siblings, the youngest is 13 and is about 15 years younger than me. I think my mom's behaviors really started to stand out to me around the age of 12-13. My dad passed several months ago, but he and my mom remained married through all of this. He always told me that she hadn't always been this bad, and I do have to agree.

She had a lot of bizarre behaviors when I was younger. She decided to homeschool all of us, but what that meant to her was that we were basically left to ourselves. I think my sister and my saving grace was that we loved to read, so we were able to kind of self-educate through that. I went away to a boarding academy for my last two years of high school. I barely survived algebra since I'd only ever done basic math, but I made it through the rest of my classes. My brother went away to the same boarding academy as I did, but could unfortunately barely read by the time he started there in 9th grade. I think that the homeschooling was kind of a control tactic of hers, since it allowed her to have total supervision over us, what we were doing, who we spent time with, etc. I hated it, boarding academy was an escape for me. She does send my youngest sister to school, and has for the last several years, which is probably the most logical thing she's done.

My dad's greatest flaw was how passive he was, he had the patience of a saint and I'm sure that's how he put up with her all that time. He also unfortunately let her handle all the family finances since she was a stay at home mom. They lost their house in 2007 and I remember several vehicles being repossessed and many winters without gas for heating. My mom is always happiest with a few dollars in her pocket, but she spends it as fast as its given to her with little regard for future expenses.

I went away to college, finished my undergrad in psychology, and I'm going to graduate with my MBA this fall. I haven't lived at home with her besides a couple weeks here and there since I was 16.

As I've aged, our relationship has gotten worse and worse, as has her illness. She's gotten to the point where she has very little shame - think texting my sister's teacher that their daughter dresses like a porn star, or calling the health department on the church because they allow church members with dirty cars to park in the parking lot - it goes on and on.

I have lived out of state for the last 4 years, first in Virginia and now in Kansas City. My SO travels frequently for work and I enjoy getting to see new cities. However, this is the greatest point of contention with my mom. Over the last 4 years she has fixated on me, and now blames me for everything from my dad's cancer to my younger sister's rebellious attitude. She will text me sometimes upwards of 300 times a day, and an average of about 100 times a day. I try not to read the content, it's usually verbally/emotionally abusive.

She hates my SO since he is divorced and as such much be a "failure" and that his name is similar to the name Jared, the name of a neighbor that she hates (only a small sample of the associations she draws from words/objects). I also work as an HR generalist, which I love and think is a great career, but she would like for me to get my masters in public health and then my phd in psychology (as if I don't already have enough student loans). I'm not sure what her reasoning is behind this, but she considers my job to be one of the worst things I've done with my life.

Last Friday she texted me that she has finally realized that she can't change me from my evil ways and convince me to move home, and that she would no longer like to be in communication with me since I am an embarrassment to her and I'm a failure to my family name. I was thinking this could be a breakthrough, maybe I'll finally get some peace! Well, I didn't contact her on mother's day out of respect for her wishes, and woke up this morning to about 180 text messages describing what a f*** up I am. Tonight I'm getting texts telling me that I'm her best friend in the whole world, and I should listen to my God-fearing and loving mother when she gives me life advice.

My mom hasn't had a job since she was 18, frankly I don't think she could hold one down. She has no friends to speak of, the ones that she did have she has driven away. No one in my dad's family speaks to her, and her relationship with her own family is strained at best. She's difficult to understand since she speaks in word salad a lot - I've sadly become an expert on her language over the years. I've tried to gently bring up the fact that she's absolutely a very unhappy person and might benefit from extensive therapy and medication, but even if she reacts well to my suggestion initially, it becomes ammunition for her to throw at me later on.

I rarely reply to her texts, and I have very little respect for her. I decided to see a therapist for the first time in 5 years, I was looking for some guidance on how to deal with her, and I've finally really come to terms with the fact that she is horribly abusive. It's a weird feeling, I feel more free of her than I have in years since I can call it what it is, and yet I feel heartbroken over it too. It's hard because she can be so sweet and vulnerable, and there have been so many times when I have taken responsibility for her and helped her through things. But I just can't do it anymore. She barely listens to me if I ask her to stop the name calling, or if I try and explain why I enjoy the career, friends, and SO that I have. She diverts conversations and they end up going around in circles until they come back to her, and I know for a fact that she knows very little about me as a human being.

Right now, what I'm really looking for is help building boundaries with her. I don't know where to start since any time I try and pull away she tells me that it's my fault for being so flawed, and something is wrong with me to not want a relationship with a "loving mother". How can I communicate with her effectively? I feel like I'm talking to a brick wall.

I'm sorry for the massive amount of text, I'm really looking forward to being a part of the community here!
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Mutt
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10395



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« Reply #1 on: May 16, 2017, 12:24:26 AM »

Hi liv89,  

Welcome

Id' like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm sorry that you had to go through as a child, maybe your mom was trying to control her environment when you were home schooled because she felt out of control inside, you've come a long and i'm glad that you decided to talk to others that can relate with you. Sometimes we need self protection, to give ourselves space from those that hurt us and a time out from them so that we can heal ourselves, I get the sense that you need support with your decision to set boundaries with your mom. We're here for you.
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