To BPD's - what goes through your mind when you pull away/painting black?

[stamusic]

Hey folks,

My partner has BPD, she's not aggressive, abusive or any of the lowest parts of BPD that I have read about. She has been diagnosed and has been in DPT therapy for over a couple years now (so started before we met).
When she starts to feel she's pulling away, she does tell me and says she needs a few days for herself, which I always comply with, no questions asked, and will always wait for her to reach out to me first.
In this time apart, she'll delete all pictures of me online, change our online status and be very cold.

I am just very curious as to know what goes through a BPD's mind during this time? I understand all BPD answers will be differently and I know I will never truly 'understand' what my partner is going through, but I would really love to have insight from a different perspective.

Thanks in advance and big love.
Bless,
S

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[JoeBPD81]

Hello there,

my GF does that and it's a good thing, they know themselves and they choose this path that is less harming than the alternative. They call it "spliting on a person". Maybe you said something or they had an intrusive thought about you, that hurt her, but instead of facing the sadness or shame or pain it causes (and the shame of being "so weak any little thing hurts, so pathetic" in their mind) she reacts by feeling rage, that seems a more manageable and less threatening feeling. That rage is againts you, but they know it's not fair, so instead of tearing you appart they take distance to let it pass. They are filled with that rage (it's not solving anything, so it grows) that would explain the deleting of pictures and being very cold. Their defenses are way up, they wont listen or reason, everything is an attack, every move away from their thoughts can lead to feeling the pain they are trying to avoid.

Having said that, I don't manage well at all when this happen. So kudos on letting her be during this splitting. I can't bear the silence and the coldness. But after some time, she comes back as if nothing had happened. And the less I interact with her during that stage, the better for both.

That's my perspective.

[stamusic]

Hello there,

my GF does that and it's a good thing, they know themselves and they choose this path that is less harming than the alternative. They call it "spliting on a person". Maybe you said something or they had an intrusive thought about you, that hurt her, but instead of facing the sadness or shame or pain it causes (and the shame of being "so weak any little thing hurts, so pathetic" in their mind) she reacts by feeling rage, that seems a more manageable and less threatening feeling. That rage is againts you, but they know it's not fair, so instead of tearing you appart they take distance to let it pass. They are filled with that rage (it's not solving anything, so it grows) that would explain the deleting of pictures and being very cold. Their defenses are way up, they wont listen or reason, everything is an attack, every move away from their thoughts can lead to feeling the pain they are trying to avoid.

Having said that, I don't manage well at all when this happen. So kudos on letting her be during this splitting. I can't bear the silence and the coldness. But after some time, she comes back as if nothing had happened. And the less I interact with her during that stage, the better for both.

That's my perspective.

Thanks for the answer, Joe. Really is great knowing someone else's perspective from a similar situation.
I also don't really do great when she has split as I do take it personally which I am learning not to, and distance myself completely when she feels this way. But as humans, we can't help by feeling hurt - which we must learn to adapt for our BPD loved ones. I just put on a brave face and tell her I'll give her all the space she needs, and in that space I use this site to keep myself on the right track and stay busy at work.
I feel she splits whenever I open up about my life, or how I'm feeling and it seems unfair that I can't open up to my own partner without feeling completely rejected from something that I am already vulnerable from (I open up to her about my fear with people leaving since my father left when I was younger - but she clearly takes that personal, causing her to split). So I guess I am learning to open up to her about my feelings in a way that won't cause her to split, but at the same time still allow myself to express myself.

I have read that by showing you're consistent and not going anywhere will eventually reduce the splitting - is this true?

Thanks,
S

[isilme]

I have read that by showing you're consistent and not going anywhere will eventually reduce the splitting - is this true?

I'm not sure how you would quantify reducing, but overall, trying to be consistent, setting some boundaries and changing our behaviors as the "nons" does seem to help over time decrease the bouts of rage and other behavior we find so distressing.

A note my H has shared, maybe 3-5 years back:  He can't release his angry feelings without a "target".  If he is mad about the weather, he needs a human being to gripe at, yell at, whatever.  So, as the most available human being in his life, guess who gets the griping?  It does not matter what it is, but if he feels angry, frustrated, scared, anything overwhelming, it needs to come out AT me, even if I had absolutely nothing to do about the event causing the emotions.

I think this can tie into being painted black, splitting, etc.  They can't deal with things internally - that's too scary, too shaming, too painful.  So it has to be expressed onto something external.  So, something ahs to be painted black to explain the targeting and allow them to escape the shame of knowing (deep down) that you don't really deserve the feelings being tossed at you.  If you look back into the old practices of animal sacrifice for absolution, you can see a similar idea - cast the sin (bad emotion) into the target (goat/sheep/spouse), and burn it (with fire or with words).  Done - you are sin (bad-emotion)-free... .until the next time.  This is kinda the actual definition of a "scapegoat".  We are the most easily accessible scapegoats.

That said, knowing this thought process can help a little with separating the BPD rages and the words that can come out at you, from the person you can love and be content with other days.  I see it as BPD talking and try my best to ignore it, and to not allow it to hurt.  This is hard, it takes time, and yes, as a human being we all WILL get hurt, we will fail to validate at times, and we will just need to JADE to feel we got our digs in.  But overall, I CAN say that in the 10 years I have been on this board, H and I are doing better.  He DID have to see me choose to stay to want to make changes himself.  I was very close to leaving, but I stayed, and I think it finally clicked somewhere that he needed to get his own act in gear... .it still took him a long time, but he HAS done a LOT of work to grow up, to accept the responsibility he can, and to be more mindful of his emotions. 

[stamusic]

I'm not sure how you would quantify reducing, but overall, trying to be consistent, setting some boundaries and changing our behaviors as the "nons" does seem to help over time decrease the bouts of rage and other behavior we find so distressing.

A note my H has shared, maybe 3-5 years back:  He can't release his angry feelings without a "target".  If he is mad about the weather, he needs a human being to gripe at, yell at, whatever.  So, as the most available human being in his life, guess who gets the griping?  It does not matter what it is, but if he feels angry, frustrated, scared, anything overwhelming, it needs to come out AT me, even if I had absolutely nothing to do about the event causing the emotions.

I think this can tie into being painted black, splitting, etc.  They can't deal with things internally - that's too scary, too shaming, too painful.  So it has to be expressed onto something external.  So, something ahs to be painted black to explain the targeting and allow them to escape the shame of knowing (deep down) that you don't really deserve the feelings being tossed at you.  If you look back into the old practices of animal sacrifice for absolution, you can see a similar idea - cast the sin (bad emotion) into the target (goat/sheep/spouse), and burn it (with fire or with words).  Done - you are sin (bad-emotion)-free... .until the next time.  This is kinda the actual definition of a "scapegoat".  We are the most easily accessible scapegoats.

That said, knowing this thought process can help a little with separating the BPD rages and the words that can come out at you, from the person you can love and be content with other days.  I see it as BPD talking and try my best to ignore it, and to not allow it to hurt.  This is hard, it takes time, and yes, as a human being we all WILL get hurt, we will fail to validate at times, and we will just need to JADE to feel we got our digs in.  But overall, I CAN say that in the 10 years I have been on this board, H and I are doing better.  He DID have to see me choose to stay to want to make changes himself.  I was very close to leaving, but I stayed, and I think it finally clicked somewhere that he needed to get his own act in gear... .it still took him a long time, but he HAS done a LOT of work to grow up, to accept the responsibility he can, and to be more mindful of his emotions. 

Thanks so much for the in depth response Isilme! It's also great and refreshing to know that these relationships are not impossible, but just take time and work. Which is exactly what I am willing to do for somebody I love and know isn't a bad person and actually has the biggest heart.

How did/do you respond to your partner when he says mean or hurtful words? For instance in my relationship, she would 'test' me and say how she doesn't feel the same for me anymore, say I deserve better/need to move on ect. How would you respond to this?

Following that question would be how did you get your S/O to understand that you will leave if things don't change/scare them a little, without coming across as too harsh? My partner is very very sensitive no matter how she is feeling, so I don't want to hurt her, but more so just give her a wake up call and make it known that I am not to be pushed around and will leave if I keep being treated in a way I don't deserve.

Thanks,
S

[isilme]

How did/do you respond to your partner when he says mean or hurtful words?

It really depends on the situation.  If it's done in a sad, mopey mood, I try to validate he may feel like that but that I believe that is more his own internal thoughts coming out, and has nothing to do with what I actually feel.  You're not going to find a magic set of words to make them understand how you feel does not always match their reality.  And you will learn that to them, being told you don't feel how they feel can come across as a judgment of their initial feelings.  Like, if H tells me he feels ugly, and I say, "no you're not." I just invalidated him.  I'm not really the best at this, even after years of trying so someone else will probably have a better way to say it, but I've tried to change to "I know you don't like how you look, but I don't see you with the same lens, and I think you focus on what you feel are flaws that other people simply do not see,."  I know that's not good and has some JADEing in it, but it seems to get us through the day, usually.

If it's done yelling or raging, the best thing to do in any case is disengage.  Walk away.  leave.  Don't try to "win" the argument.  Don't try to use logic or reason with an unreasonable person.  Take a break.  Remember a task you need to go do.  Take a walk.  Go to another room.  Trying to talk your way out of things at this point just prolongs it and makes it hurt both of you.  This is one of the first boundaries you can use.  And a boundary is not something like an ultimatum.  It's simply this:  You don't need to be a target for abuse.  So don't be around to be one.  Walk away, say nothing, say, "please don't talk to me like that." Don't make it a bargain "I'll come back when you're nicer!".  That's really not the point.  Just remove yourself from the rage.

Following that question would be how did you get your S/O to understand that you will leave if things don't change/scare them a little, without coming across as too harsh?

Saying we need to get this relationship healthier or it will need to end will always sound harsh - there is no gentle way to tell someone that and expect them to shape up for you - this is kinda like a bribe, or blackmail in a way in my opinion.  Not exactly, but it's pretty close to the ladies who give engagement ultimatums - propose or I leave! 

I have found that dealing with BPD for 20 years pretty much actions speak louder than words.  When we were very close to breaking up, I started looking for an exit plan.  I did not tell him this, I just did it.  I looked at what apartments were in my price ranges that I could get to and from without a car that was close to work.  I tried to figure what I could afford as far as bills.  I was heartbroken over trying to decide what to do about our kitties - those are our children.  And then, a check I did not know was coming my way landed in my lap and I was able to buy my own car.  THAT was the red-ticket item that made him pay attention.  Sure, I could say I planned to leave and say I did not deserve to be treated the way he was treating me, that I did not want to leave but I did not want to cry ll the time anymore either.  But actually DOING something shook him up. 

The first step we all have to work on, and keep working on is allowing the pwBPD t have their own emotions.  We cannot "fix" how they feel. We can listen.  We can be physically there.  We can validate the valid.  But if H is mad it is raining and he wanted to go outside... .I can't fix that.  I can't make him not upset about it - only he can choose to do that.  I can have my own emotions and he does not need to share them.  When he is mad, sometimes I get distressed with him, because I initially feel I am supposed to do something.  I feel like his anger is trying to make me take some action, and I just want it to leave me alone.  This is MY issue - codependency.  So I tell myself he's allowed to be mad.  And honestly, as long as he is not yelling at me, being mean to me, he is.  I can choose to stay in the environment or try to leave it if possible.  Sometimes going to another room to do a simple but time-consuming chore (folding laundry is good - I always have plenty to fold), gives me a valid "out".  And he may calm down, come find me, and talk a little less heated, or I might finish and go see if he;s calmed down.

Look at the Lessons and Tools and see what may work for you - just remember the BIG thing - we can only change ourselves.  The pwBPD may choose to follow us along for the ride, and as we get better, they can too, but we cannot force that horse to drink. 

[stamusic]

It really depends on the situation.  If it's done in a sad, mopey mood, I try to validate he may feel like that but that I believe that is more his own internal thoughts coming out, and has nothing to do with what I actually feel.  You're not going to find a magic set of words to make them understand how you feel does not always match their reality.  And you will learn that to them, being told you don't feel how they feel can come across as a judgment of their initial feelings.  Like, if H tells me he feels ugly, and I say, "no you're not." I just invalidated him.  I'm not really the best at this, even after years of trying so someone else will probably have a better way to say it, but I've tried to change to "I know you don't like how you look, but I don't see you with the same lens, and I think you focus on what you feel are flaws that other people simply do not see,."  I know that's not good and has some JADEing in it, but it seems to get us through the day, usually.

If it's done yelling or raging, the best thing to do in any case is disengage.  Walk away.  leave.  Don't try to "win" the argument.  Don't try to use logic or reason with an unreasonable person.  Take a break.  Remember a task you need to go do.  Take a walk.  Go to another room.  Trying to talk your way out of things at this point just prolongs it and makes it hurt both of you.  This is one of the first boundaries you can use.  And a boundary is not something like an ultimatum.  It's simply this:  You don't need to be a target for abuse.  So don't be around to be one.  Walk away, say nothing, say, "please don't talk to me like that." Don't make it a bargain "I'll come back when you're nicer!".  That's really not the point.  Just remove yourself from the rage.

Saying we need to get this relationship healthier or it will need to end will always sound harsh - there is no gentle way to tell someone that and expect them to shape up for you - this is kinda like a bribe, or blackmail in a way in my opinion.  Not exactly, but it's pretty close to the ladies who give engagement ultimatums - propose or I leave! 

I have found that dealing with BPD for 20 years pretty much actions speak louder than words.  When we were very close to breaking up, I started looking for an exit plan.  I did not tell him this, I just did it.  I looked at what apartments were in my price ranges that I could get to and from without a car that was close to work.  I tried to figure what I could afford as far as bills.  I was heartbroken over trying to decide what to do about our kitties - those are our children.  And then, a check I did not know was coming my way landed in my lap and I was able to buy my own car.  THAT was the red-ticket item that made him pay attention.  Sure, I could say I planned to leave and say I did not deserve to be treated the way he was treating me, that I did not want to leave but I did not want to cry ll the time anymore either.  But actually DOING something shook him up. 

The first step we all have to work on, and keep working on is allowing the pwBPD t have their own emotions.  We cannot "fix" how they feel. We can listen.  We can be physically there.  We can validate the valid.  But if H is mad it is raining and he wanted to go outside... .I can't fix that.  I can't make him not upset about it - only he can choose to do that.  I can have my own emotions and he does not need to share them.  When he is mad, sometimes I get distressed with him, because I initially feel I am supposed to do something.  I feel like his anger is trying to make me take some action, and I just want it to leave me alone.  This is MY issue - codependency.  So I tell myself he's allowed to be mad.  And honestly, as long as he is not yelling at me, being mean to me, he is.  I can choose to stay in the environment or try to leave it if possible.  Sometimes going to another room to do a simple but time-consuming chore (folding laundry is good - I always have plenty to fold), gives me a valid "out".  And he may calm down, come find me, and talk a little less heated, or I might finish and go see if he;s calmed down.

Look at the Lessons and Tools and see what may work for you - just remember the BIG thing - we can only change ourselves.  The pwBPD may choose to follow us along for the ride, and as we get better, they can too, but we cannot force that horse to drink. 

Learning how to validate a person is really tricky and is also a big weakness of mine. Especially since I am not so quick to think on my feet, and the first thing I may say could have been worded much better. For instance when she is starting to paint me black, she will repeat herself saying how I can do better and my response will be something in the words of "I am going to give you your space, and respect that." She would then repeat herself again, saying I shouldn't wait for her and more so stating that she wants to break up - this is where she seems frustrated and gets more blunt and angry with me. I then responded something like "I'm not letting you break up with me again, as we both know this isn't what is best for either of us. I'm giving you your space as long as you like, waiting for you to reach out to me first. I'm staying here, I'm not going anywhere" - this is me showing my 'I'm standing my ground, you can't push me aside' side. Now I feel perhaps this pushed her too far but at the same time I want her to know I'm here for her no matter what. So... I'm worried at how my response came across and that now she probably feels I ignored what she wanted to tell me. It's not easy at all, this validation. Thoughts on that response/perhaps the big no-no's and yes-yes' I should learn to make sure I do?

She would never yell or be raging at me, just cold/distant and a little rude.

The letting her know I will leave if things don't get better is also really hard for me (this and validation are the two biggest ones for me) since, the same with her, I also have such a big heart and the feeling of blackmailing or anything like this towards her kills me. Besides telling her that will make me feel as if I'm the biggest a-hole and she will say something like "go ahead, I'm not stopping you." since she's probably certain I wouldn't make any actions about leaving her - which is partly true, which is tough to admit.
The time I have away from her I focus on my work, and focus on my own individual happiness and optimism. So I'm always improving myself, making myself stronger which I know is key when in a BPD relationship.