Leaving BPD wife and mother of my 3 kids

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey everyone,

Glad I found this forum!

I've been considering leaving my BPDstbxwf for a couple of years, and I'm on the verge of doing it, but it's hard!

We've been together 10 years and have 3 small children... .So I really wanted to stay and make it work, went to a bunch of marriage counselors, took the blame for everything, tried to do everything I could to get her to love me again... .But nothing works.

Couple months ago I learned about BPD and she sure seems to have a lot of these traits... .So learning about BPD has been extremely helpful in understanding why she is so difficult to get along and have a normal/happy life with.

She basically totally devalued me after the kids were born, blames all our issues on me, can't compromise on anything, never wants to do anything with me 1-on-1, shows me no affection, doesn't seem to care about my feelings at all or have any interest in any kind of relationship with me at all aside from co-parenting... .She sleeps in bed with all 3 kids and I sleep in the guest room... .That's how she wants it... .I'm not "allowed in the bed" because of some wrongs I've committed against her of course... .

Lots of other sad/crazy stuff too... I've been miserable in the relationship or lack-of-relationship for years... .Hoping to get back to that idealization phase... .But now I'm accepting that it's long gone.

Just trying to stick with the belief that this is a very unhealthy relationship - and that it's in everybody's best interest to get divorced and show my kids an alternative way of living that is more positive/loving/productive/sane/peaceful etc... .So I can move on and start a better life for me aand my kids.

Reading other people's stories, and seeing that I'm not alone in dealing with this crazy-making BPD drama is really helpful - so thanks to everybody sharing on her.

[duder76]

Hey everyone,

Glad I found this forum!

I've been considering leaving my BPDstbxwf for a couple of years, and I'm on the verge of doing it, but it's hard!

We've been together 10 years and have 3 small children... .So I really wanted to stay and make it work, went to a bunch of marriage counselors, took the blame for everything, tried to do everything I could to get her to love me again... .But nothing works.

Couple months ago I learned about BPD and she sure seems to have a lot of these traits... .So learning about BPD has been extremely helpful in understanding why she is so difficult to get along and have a normal/happy life with.

She basically totally devalued me after the kids were born, blames all our issues on me, can't compromise on anything, never wants to do anything with me 1-on-1, shows me no affection, doesn't seem to care about my feelings at all or have any interest in any kind of relationship with me at all aside from co-parenting... .She sleeps in bed with all 3 kids and I sleep in the guest room... .That's how she wants it... .I'm not "allowed in the bed" because of some wrongs I've committed against her of course... .

Lots of other sad/crazy stuff too... I've been miserable in the relationship or lack-of-relationship for years... .Hoping to get back to that idealization phase... .But now I'm accepting that it's long gone.

Just trying to stick with the belief that this is a very unhealthy relationship - and that it's in everybody's best interest to get divorced and show my kids an alternative way of living that is more positive/loving/productive/sane/peaceful etc... .So I can move on and start a better life for me aand my kids.

Reading other people's stories, and seeing that I'm not alone in dealing with this crazy-making BPD drama is really helpful - so thanks to everybody sharing on her.

[Mutt]

Hi duder76,



I'd like to welcome you to bpdfamily. I'm glad that you decided to join us, you'll find a lot of people that you can relate with, I have small kids too. D11, S9 and S5, although I rejected the idea of getting divorced because of my wedding vows, it was the best thing that happened, even though it was a brutal ordeal at the time, it was the best thing to happen thanks to my exuBPDw's impulsiveness, I just couldn't pull the trigger. I agree with you that it helps the kids if there is one emotionally stable parent that can be their role model, you can make your new place a calm place, they'll also need routine.

Does your BPDstbxwf know? How old are your kids? Are they boys or girls? Are you going full custody or shared?

Facing the Facts About Personality Disorders and Family Courts

[duder76]

Hi Mutt,

thanks for the reply. Yeah she knows, but I don't think that she really takes it seriously.

We have been discussing divorce for 4 years, as I continue to tell her how unhappy I am with the state of our relationship ie. no affection, her insisting on making all the rules, her criticisms, over-reactions, angry rages, poor parenting, telling me I am a bad person and that she doesn't feel "that way" about me anymore etc... .

My point to her is - If you don't feel any romantic interest in me anymore then why is it a problem if we divorce? ... .But she says it is wrong of me to leave the family with the kids being so young (all 3 are under 5, 2girls and a boy)... .So basically she wants me to stay in a miserable marriage for the kids, so another guilt trip.

I'm trying not to feel guilty about it though - I support her financially 100% and her child support will be the top 1% or so... .So she'll be fine in that regard... .And I want 50+% custody, I'd settle for 40%... .So I'm going to be helping with that a lot... .Really she is going to be on easy street, not having to work, money in the bank (that i put there)... .help with kids, free place to live... .But of course she's still MISERABLE... .

Awesome to hear that it was the best thing that ever happened for you!

Hope I can be happy after this too.

Def looking forward to a calm place for me and my kids!

[Mutt]

Hi duder76,

I ask because a pwBPD fear abandonment, everyone's pwBPD is a different person with a different personality, traits, severity of the disorder, if you read SWOE ( Stop Walking on Eggshells ) the D word is not a word that you want to use with a BPD because it can trigger what they fear most, it can be ugly, I did that and the level of anger was through the roof. Just an FYI, it;s better to safe than sorry, I'd try to get as much time as possible with the kids, no less than 50%, I work full time, I don't have help and I have them 50% of the time, the schedule can be a pain to make things work because of shift work, but it's worth it.

[Insom]

Hi, duder76.  First of all, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this.  It sounds painful all around.  Have you gotten so far as to think about custody for your kids, what sort of arrangement might work for all of you?

FWIW, I am a child of divorce and can share this one thing . . . growing up under different sets of rules (or alternate ways of living) is kind of like growing up without rules, and has the potential to raise many issues for your kids having to do with identity and authority. There's a book I can recommend - can't remember the title off the top of my head but will look for it - that explains this very well from an adult child's point of view and is backed by data.  I'll see if I can dig it up and get back to you. 

[duder76]

. . . growing up under different sets of rules (or alternate ways of living) is kind of like growing up without rules, and has the potential to raise many issues for your kids having to do with identity and authority.

I can see that could be a problem... .However, I don't think it would be fair for me to try to get full-custody since: A) they are so young, B) she's the primary care-giver, and C) The fact that despite her serious issues she's not a terrible person and I think the kids deserve to have her in their lives...

Thanks for sharing this insight though! I know that in some ways It would be better for them if I had sole-custody.

Hi duder76,

I ask because a pwBPD fear abandonment, everyone's pwBPD is a different person with a different personality, traits, severity of the disorder, if you read SWOE ( Stop Walking on Eggshells ) the D word is not a word that you want to use with a BPD because it can trigger what they fear most, it can be ugly, I did that and the level of anger was through the roof.

Yeah, in retrospect the fact that I brought it up 4 years ago and that it had been on the table, being discussed regularly ever since, probably wasn't the best idea!

At the time I just didn't know another way to convey my level of dissatisfaction with the relationship... .And I was unaware of her BPD at the time.

I'd try to get as much time as possible with the kids, no less than 50%, I work full time, I don't have help and I have them 50% of the time, the schedule can be a pain to make things work because of shift work, but it's worth it.

Yeah the more I think about it I should really try to stick to 50%, or I think I may regret it over time... .It's gonna be tough because a lot of the judges in my area are apparently old-fashioned and think that kids do better with their moms... .But I'm gonna try to do my best to get that 50%!





   

[VeganButEatMyMea]

Yeah the more I think about it I should really try to stick to 50%, or I think I may regret it over time... .It's gonna be tough because a lot of the judges in my area are apparently old-fashioned and think that kids do better with their moms... .But I'm gonna try to do my best to get that 50%!

I had a chance to get 100% custody of my son (wife at the time assaulted me on D-Day and was arrested) and like you I had doubts (I also work shift work) so I gave my son up to her.  I thought I was doing the right thing for the boy but I had SOO much regret. I'd look in the mirror, cry, call myself weak.

Fortunately for me, my ex wife attempted suicide 2 weeks before I moved out of state. Now I'm in a completely new state, don't know anyone really... .and my boy is sitting right next to me watching a train show and we are getting by just fine. Biggest regret I ever had was giving him up. Fight for every percentage you can. You will regret it if you don't fight.

Oh and life after a relationship with a pwBPD... .amazing! Now I still miss her and the "love" she gave me... .but that love is loong gone. It's amazing not walking on eggshells anymore, having a clean house, not everything being my fault. Good luck sir!

[duder76]

Now I'm in a completely new state, don't know anyone really... .and my boy is sitting right next to me watching a train show and we are getting by just fine.

Congrats man! that's great to hear... .I'm pretty stressed about not getting a fair deal on custody... .guess I'll have to wait and see what happens!

It's amazing not walking on eggshells anymore, having a clean house, not everything being my fault. Good luck sir!

NICE!

Is keeping the house really messy a BPD thing?

Because mine is a disaster... .

Sometimes I get excited about getting to live in a clean home, and then feel bad that I would leave my wife to live someplace clean... .But then I have to remind myself that that is only one tiny thing amongst the MANY much more serious issues... .

[VeganButEatMyMea]

Congrats man! that's great to hear... .I'm pretty stressed about not getting a fair deal on custody... .guess I'll have to wait and see what happens!

Thanks. I'm not trying to gloat, just that I was in the same position as you (shift work, scared about being a parent all myself) and things just seem to fall in line/you will figure it out... .kids are pretty resilient. Get as much % as you can is all.

NICE!

Is keeping the house really messy a BPD thing?

Because mine is a disaster... .

Sometimes I get excited about getting to live in a clean home, and then feel bad that I would leave my wife to live someplace clean... .But then I have to remind myself that that is only one tiny thing amongst the MANY much more serious issues... .

Well mine was (is) a complete pig, can't speak for everyone here but I bet it's a very high number. She rarely cleaned, maybe 5 times the 4+ years i knew her. Huge red flags I missed when I first met her: when I first walked into her tiny 1bdr apartment you could barely see her floor from all the clothes and crap, and when I went to go open the fridge she stopped me. I did get it open one day and it smelled like dead people... .but she was 9 years younger than me, sexy and I wasn't thinking with the right head.

Funny thing is she blamed her dirty/messiness and pretty much everything on me. She actually has said to me "It's your fault I gained weight, stopped cooking/don't clean/don't pretty myself up, etc. because you're too good to me and don't get on me". Well of course if I opened my mouth about any 1 of the subjects above it would lead to a BPD blowup... .hallelujah to no more eggshells!

[Insom]

Here it is . . .

"Between Two Worlds, The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce."

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0307237109/ref=oh_aui_search_detailpage?ie=UTF8&psc=1

A must-read for parents considering divorce who want to know more about how it impacts kids.