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Author Topic: He likes to spend money  (Read 371 times)
Ythisroad

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 25



« on: May 17, 2017, 03:40:57 PM »

Does anyone else have a BPD with a spending habit?  I want to beat my head against a wall    My dBPDh is all about the credit card accompanied with justification and I am longing to get out of debt!  He hasn't EVER held a job longer than 6 months (if that) but when he works he is a high wage earner.  He's been on unemployment for 6 months now, which is about to run out, and has the promise of a job as soon as he can provide a clean UA.  He's been taking at-home tests and they keep coming up positive even though he's been 2 months clean   in the mean time, since there is the "certainty" of this income, he has gone out and charged $1000 on a credit card ("for items to work on the house with", and has coerced me into opening a joint account at a home furniture store.  And when I even scowl or give an air of disapproval I am thrashed with accusations of being non-supportive, have no confidence in him, and the latest, "we're growing apart".   Apparently the salesperson at the Sleep Number store, who listened to his conspiracy theories for 2 hours last night while showing him the $13,000 bed, cares more than I do.  wow.  AAAARRRRGGGGG
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dealingwithit
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« Reply #1 on: May 18, 2017, 01:50:26 AM »

Mine works and makes decent money but is allergic to paying off credit card debt in a reasonable fashion. Go figure.
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namaste1967
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What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1


« Reply #2 on: May 19, 2017, 05:44:45 PM »

I feel so horribly for you. I am experiencing the same thing right now and my partner has absolutely no consideration. No job, no prospects, and possible jail time for child support arrears, but this does not deter her. I have forbidden her any further access to my finances, but I feel guilty and therefore enable her substance abuse, emotional manipulation of me, and the absolute disrespect  of my values.

I don't know what to say except I can empathize with you in a profound way and encourage you to keep reaching out.  Just knowing there are others who are willing to listen is a source of strength for me. I am new to this site and already feel a bit less alone in this.
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Ythisroad

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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Family other
Relationship status: Married
Posts: 25



« Reply #3 on: May 22, 2017, 01:20:58 PM »

Hi namaste1967,

when my dBPDh went to prison years back, we had by then racked up $300 negative balance in our joint checking account due to overdraft fees.  I hated that game... .so to take care of our then 8-month old daughter I went and had a heart to heart with bank (local credit union) who opened a new account under only my name.  It is so wonderful having my own account!  And we continue to this day (some people think this is a bad idea, but they don't understand the situation).  He was quite upset for a long time about this, as the bank wasn't willing to just eliminate the negative balance and left it in the account that he now has alone... .  o'well Smiling (click to insert in post) 

I chagrin at the fact I am once again tied like an anvil to him financially... .I feel forced to participate in large purchases (two new cars, a new shed, furniture) because my credit rating gets the loan.  Thus far I am grateful he's kept his word and made the payments, even paid a few things off.  But the constant uncertainty pains me, as does watching his spending plan and what he calls a budget!  I wonder if my digestion problem is caused by anxiety LOL 

Anyway, thanks for the reply, and welcome to the site Smiling (click to insert in post)  Misery does love company  Smiling (click to insert in post)
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PeaceHarmony

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 11


« Reply #4 on: May 29, 2017, 07:05:01 PM »

My husband can spend hundreds of $$$ without consulting me, and it's a huge stress factor for me. He has a good job, he tries to control the spending and does try to communicate about it. But when he is in that mood, whatever I say doesn't matter - he'll do it anyway. It makes him feel good in the moment and he loves the thrill of the hunt (for "bargains"! He jutifies every purchase as necessary, a bargain or something he has always dreamed about having. I have to clench my teeth, and "fix" it somehow by taking money out of savings or something like that. If I try to really fight it and knock some sense into him all hell breaks lose, we get into a huge fight and it's not worth it because he'll do it anyway. He knows it's not logical and that it stresses me out but he can't catch it in the moment.
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Alayne

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 35


« Reply #5 on: May 29, 2017, 07:59:51 PM »

My husband can spend hundreds of $$$ without consulting me, and it's a huge stress factor for me. He has a good job, he tries to control the spending and does try to communicate about it. But when he is in that mood, whatever I say doesn't matter - he'll do it anyway. It makes him feel good in the moment and he loves the thrill of the hunt (for "bargains"! He jutifies every purchase as necessary, a bargain or something he has always dreamed about having. I have to clench my teeth, and "fix" it somehow by taking money out of savings or something like that. If I try to really fight it and knock some sense into him all hell breaks lose, we get into a huge fight and it's not worth it because he'll do it anyway. He knows it's not logical and that it stresses me out but he can't catch it in the moment.

Oh, my gosh, this is so familiar!  My BPD is sometimes more reasonable and has started to self-identify large purchases that we didn't need. He lost it on me once, however, for suggesting that paying cash or not getting something is better than having a (yet another) recurring loan.  That was uuuuuuuuuuuuuugly.
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MrRight
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 373


« Reply #6 on: June 01, 2017, 01:35:25 AM »

Yes me too.
She always boasted how before me she was never in debt - looked after her finances.
But once we had a child - he had to have whatever was necessary and it was my job to provide it. I got scared when she asked me what the best school in the country was - I said, Eton - that's where we will want him to go. I'm not rich I said, far from it. Then he will have a scholarship - an academic and musical scholarship. So started the journey of turning him into a little maestro to obtain private school scholarships. At first the costs were reasonable when he was having lessons at local level. But then it seemed he had some talent - and his teachers agreed he needed better quality tuition. Well we went to national level - two instruments. Our finances were sinking fast - music is like a giant money pit, it really is. And being russian my life insists on buying expensive gifts for teachers we are already paying £100 an hour! This when I am using credit cards to fund our lives. We had one chance to get it all funded when a musical school offered him a fully paid up scholarship - but she said no at the last moment so we could send him to a posh school where he had an offer. I almost cried when I realised where that would leave us financially. It's not just cost of lessons - travelling to where teacher lives can be very expensive. I estimate we spent £70K+ over 10 years. And at 14 he now says he wants to work in science. Finally we got rid of the blood sucking music teachers - only because there's not enough time in the day to accomodate his academia and music practice.
I personally never would have taken our family down this road. I am stuck now with £40K worth of loans.
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