Possible Recycle...?

[myselfandi]

Hi everyone,

So my BPDex BF broke up with me just under a month ago. We have been together 2 and a half years and he broke up with me the same time last year and while I tried to get him back for months he pushed me away, played with my emotions and told me to move on. Long story short he ended up coming back after just under two weeks NC. I didn't get back together with him right away because I wanted to be sure that he was not going to leave me again. We ended up getting back together after he proved that he was serious. Fast forward to today and he broke up with me again. Find it odd that it is the exact same time of the year.

When he broke up with me unexpectedly I was crushed. I tried to convince him to stay and work on things but he chose not to. He moved all his stuff out and that was that. We talked on and off throughout the breakup but he continually said cruel things to me regarding stuff that happened in the past and that's why he broke up with me apparently. I decided enough was enough and NC was the only way to go. After 4 days NC he reached out... .he told me how much he misses me and that he would do anything just to hold me again and that he was sorry for everything, etc. He was adamant on meeting up to talk about things but I kept saying no as it would only hurt me to see him after everything that has happened. He started becoming very obsessive via phone and text to see me that I finally agreed. We ended up hanging out for a couple hours and truly had the best time ever. We talked calmly and openly about everything that has happened during this breakup and we told one another how much we loved each other. I still felt very confused though because I don't clearly understand what his intentions were. He didn't ask to get back together but he kept saying who knows what the future holds and maybe we have a chance one day down the line. I felt like he was kind of dangling the carrot in front of my face but I wasn't biting. I was very strong and I am proud of myself for how I handled everything. I have a strong feeling that he will be back sooner than he leads on but I do not know for sure. I feel like he is so lost and he is constantly fighting so many different thoughts in his head. We are now on day 3 of NC and I am going to keep that going. He may never reach out again and this could be over for good but if history repeats itself I don't think that will be the case. I obviously want to be with him but I know I deserve someone that is sure of me and the relationship. Has anyone had similar experiences to this? Unsure of what my best move is at this point. I am going to assume it is just to focus on myself which is what I'm doing. Just want him to want me back for good... .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[allienoah]

You are being very strong and sound like you have your priorities straight-taking care of yourself. I can definitely relate to your situation. I have been dealing with my bfwBPD breaking up with me and then we recycle. It is very hurtful. I have found lately that taking care of yourself really is the only way. I used to focus all of my attention on making it right. I needed to pacify him and prove I was committed and loved him. I don't feel that need anymore, the more I learn about this disorder. I am working on trying to not take everything he does as an indictment of me as much as it is a reflection of how insecure he feels. It's like he lashes out whenever he senses real or imagined abandonment by me. Apparently I can be "abandoning" him by just spending a weekend away with a friend. He feels any fun time should be shared with him, so we can "share" the experience and create a memory. I am all for that, but not in its exclusivity. That is where your strength is going to come in handy. By not going into a recycle unless you decide you want it.