Can/should I send this email? Might be wrong board...

[Doughboy]

My uExBPDfiance and I are not communicating and the relationship is basically over for good as I do not feel she will ever reach out.  As usual there is a whole backstory but I will not go into it.  If you are curious you can search my posts.  As part of my Counseling it was brought up that the Ex seemed BPD... .quiet, high functioning, waif type.

I was required to do research on everything about her and myself to understand our backgrounds and how we were both at fault.  This research exposed so me things about her past that I feel/know her Mother lied to her about.  This info could make a difference on her Therapy for depression and her general understanding of her life.  I can't share it directly but I want her to know some of it. 

My only thought is to send an email like the one below.  Not sure if I would send it soon or maybe wait a few months to see if she does reach out.  If not send it then. 

"One of the things discussed when your Mother and I, regrettably, met was that my experience was that you can't/won't share your feelings regarding things from your past.  Specifically related to your Dad and those years of your life.  I told her I had asked 5 separate times and you avoided/deflected each time.  Your Mother said that that was a very difficult time for you and then mentioned that she found letters that Julia received when she was in College and that when she read them they were horrible.  She asked your Sister if you received them also and your Sister replied that you did. 

Your Mother then mentioned that there are many things that the girls are not aware of but she thought your Brother knew most of it.  She did not elaborate but it has me wondering what you may be misinformed about.  I know quite a bit now since my Counselor had me do some extensive research to try and understand what all had happened in your past and MY past and how my opinion that I was 110% at fault in our breakdown was incorrect.  Not saying I had no fault as I surely did and I now understand why I reacted the way I did. That process/reasoning is too difficult to explain by email, you will not take a call from me, and you will most likely not want to understand it anyway since the issues to you were my communication, my lack of Faith, and my actions with 1st Husband.  You were clear that everything was my doing and you managed my faults as long as you could.

Long story short is that it seems, based on HER words, that your Mother has information she never shared with you.  She may not have shared because it is worse then what you think or because she feels you do not need to know.  Of course, you may know everything in a complete factual way.  I just feel you should as knowledgeable as possible and have facts since this WAS a very difficult thing for you to deal with at a very young age.  If you recall, recently I had asked you about the 8 month pattern we had and what might be causing it.  You said you did not know. I think it is the Spring that causes the issues for you since so much bad has happened in the Spring (April, May, June) for you... .Parents separation, Parents divorce, Dad's death, Dad's suicide attempt, 1st divorce, 2nd divorce, and I am sure there are other things.

I can not share what/how I know as it is not my place, although I think I now understand your Mother's disdain for me much better.  This is something that should be between you and Gxxxx.  I just hope she will be forthcoming with the whole truth if you have misconceptions.  Your need to be alone, and your inability to do it, may be much deeper seated then everyone thinks."


***This is some of the information I discovered that shows a possible trauma pattern.  I would not be including this in the email!***

1989 May 3 - Mother files for Divorce (gross neglect of duty, extreme cruelty) with restraining order. (Marital Clinging/harass/obsess/denial)
1989 May 13ish - Father attempts suicide by carbon monoxide poisoning and was admitted to Nursing home for recovery.  Suffering from Narcolepsy, alcoholism, Korsakoff’s syndrome/dementia(alcohol related)
1989 June 30 - Father declared Incompetent(Mental/Physical) and Guardian appointed by Court
1990 March 30 - Divorce final
1991 June 13 - Father dies – Sudden Illness – Hemorrhagic pancreatitis – Cousin’s home
2011 May 2 - 1st Husband files for Divorce.  Hxxx wanted to but Husband did first due to she slept with old partner from College.
2011 August - Divorce final
2012 October - Marries 2nd Husband
2015 April 30 - Divorce from 2nd Husband Final.
2015 August 15 - We start relationship
2016 June 12 - Hxxx ends our relationship 1 day before anniversary of Father's death but we struggled for the previous 3 weeks
2016 August 4 - We restart relationship
2017 March/April - Hxxx ends our relationship for 2nd time. Trouble really started the day after she lost a court case with her 1st Husband regarding Child Support/Parenting time.

Question:  Is this a waste of my time?  Will it all just be disregarded as sour grapes?  Should I take that risk since it really might help her in some small way?  Could it destroy her relationship with her Mother?

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[Meili]

I would not send the email.

First, it comes across as mean ("I know something about your life that you don't know." and will likely only enflame her emotions.

Secondly, it isn't your business and she did not ask you do to it. This may come across as a stalking type of behavior to her. I know that you said that your counselor asked you to do the research, but there is no way for your ex to know the truth behind that and it may cause her to react in a negative way.

Thirdly, while I understand your motivation, the whole thing may come across to your ex as game playing or a manipulative technique designed to get her to contact you and try to get more information from you... .chasing and a desperate plea to reconnect.

Will your ex think any of these things? I don't know, but why risk it?

[Doughboy]

I tend to agree.  It is a time bomb and would destroy any possibility of a future, as if there is one.   

Just bothers me greatly that she is most likely not aware of some things that have shaped her reality. 

[Meili]

Just bothers me greatly that she is most likely not aware of some things that have shaped her reality. 

Can't this be said about any of us though?

A theme that seems to be common with many nons (myself included in this), is that the non wants to save the pwBPD. A lot of members around here have attributed this to co-dependency tendencies (again, I can include myself here).

The non may give of him/herself to the point of losing individuality. This is done in hopes of showing the pwBPD kindness, love, and for the non to feel important and needed. It seems to backfire frequently though and the pwBPD, among other things, loses respect for the non and/or feels engulfed.This causes the pwBPD to push the non away and the non is left hurt, frustrated, and wondering what happened.