After two years, just saw my ex and replacement

[Pretty Woman]

It's ironic I've been heavily posting today and this happens. I was running errands after work and happened to see a car in the lot that looked like hers. She has a unique shaped vehicle that stands out. As soon as I saw her license plate frame I was sure it was her. I turned the corner and literally almost hit them.

I am 80lbs lighter since I last saw her and my hair is blonde now, not jet black. Luckily I was not recognized.

It was a little jarring to see her. She's about 60lbs heavier but wearing the same clothes she wore when I dated her. She opened the door for her GF and kissed her.

Did this bother me? Not in the way I thought. I do still want to see them fail and I hope I get past that. That's the only anger I really have left from our split. The day she met her she walked away and never looked back.

It reminded me of an article I read about actors Billy Bob Thornton and Angelina Jolie. What most people don't know is Billy Bob was living with Laura Dern, his girlfriend of 4yrs when he went for Jolie. Laura Dern was quoted as saying "I went out of town for a movie shoot and when I returned my boyfriend was with someone else".

He never spoke to her about it. Just left her. In fact he changed the locks and as the story goes, her friend Melissa Etheridge had to break in to retrieve her things.
And we all know Billy Bob and Angie didn't end in bliss.

Not that it's reassuring that celebrities go through this but it makes you feel less alone knowing that it's happened to others... .
Not that you'd wish it on anyone.

So I'm a little shocked, a little nostalgic but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. We live within a five mile radius. Once in two years isn't bad!

[kc sunshine]

It sounds like you handled this so well, Pretty Woman, and so honestly!

"I do still want to see them fail and I hope I get past that. That's the only anger I really have left from our split."

^ I struggle with this too! Have you tried anything that has helped at all?

[Turkish]

You still want to see them fail... .that may give some validation to you,  but I'm assuming you all aren't in your 80s (you aren't,  I'm not,  my ex is not, 10 years younger than me).

 If they do fail, how do you think you'd feel about the next romantic partner for her?

[BorisAcusio]

I can relate to that, PW.

Few weeks ago I was watching a culinary show on the TV and there she was, my ex sitting at the table, having a fancy dinner in a well known restaurant, with some handsome guy. I was absolutely shocked, went through every frame of video just to make sure I wasn't hallucinating. She looked healthy, content, and absolutely gorgeous.

She might have some issues but apparently, doing way better than me.

It's been 2,5 years since we broke up. I thought I would be over this by now but I still think about her and our relationship most days despite the strict NC and futile efforts to keep her out of my mind.

[Pretty Woman]

Hi All, thanks for your replies.

Turkish, I actually think I'd be happy. It would "prove" this is a pattern, that all her relationships end the same way and it wasn't just me.

I think I struggle with the fact I've been cut out the hardest, or so I feel. I have watched her refriend all her exes or at least try to. I have watched her speak terribly of all of them, only to pull a 180 and praise them later in our union.
I don't ever see her praising me.

I don't like feeling like the "a hole". I know my strength is what ended this and I should be proud of that but I'm not. I called out her bs and wouldn't let her get away with stuff she had gotten away with, with others. I told her she was sick and had BPD, she never denied it.

I pulled off the mask and saw her for who she is which makes me the enemy. I never wanted to be someone's enemy. I have never taken rejection well and even now it kills me to know she despises me like this when all I wanted to do is help.

The worst part is this has happened a lot to me in life. I have quite a few enemies. People either like me or they don't.  After awhile you get a complex over it. I have four people at work who have conspired to get me fired, I lost my best friend two years ago, as she had a total breakdown and called me 50 plus times at work... .I almost had to get the police involved (this was a friend of over 25years). My closest co worker of eight years turned on me last year.

I can say they are all crazy but there is a common denominator. Me. Do I make people crazy? Why does this keep happening... .to me? Is it just my luck or something more? What am I doing to trigger such severe reactions from people?

I wish I had the answers but I don't.  I live like a recluse now and don't let many people close to me anymore. It gets lonely but I feel safer.

[happendtome]

I think I struggle with the fact I've been cut out the hardest, or so I feel. I have watched her refriend all her exes or at least try to. I have watched her speak terribly of all of them, only to pull a 180 and praise them later in our union.

The reason why you have been cut out the hardest way is probably because you have been the strongest person for her to meet. They are afraid of people who dont tolerate bull... .
That is my opinion. These people are, beside all the other things, also cowards.

[Rayban]

^this

You know who she is, and that scares the living crap out of her. One of their biggest fears is being exposed. Hense the smear campaigns they initiate when somone knows too much about their disorder.

PW, you've been through a lot. Be proud of having gotten through it. It's never losing people who at one point were friends. Just be grateful for the people who love and support you, in good, and bad moments.

[Pretty Woman]

Thank you, Guys (and gals).

Deep down I know this stuff, sometimes I just need to hear it. It would be easier if I didn't work with her sister who has conducted a smear campaign of her own. I used to be friendly with the sister and if I could go back I never would have dated her sibling.  I feel ostracized at work and I spend 90% of my life there. The fact my ex best friend at work teamed up with the sister is heartbreaking to me. The fast my ex friend, in her late 50's would go out of her way to ruin me over a personal disagreement... .not even a disagreement, I thanked her sister for bringing me pictures... .after she and her sister had a falling out (they are fine now) is just so immature and selfish.

I just wish I'd done things differently but you can't go back, only move forward. I need to do that. 

[happendtome]

Yes, thats why i (and everyone else here too) say that after relationship, where you have been dumped, you need to go no contact as fast as possible.
But I didnt do it and you didnt do it either. Only later we found out that wise men have been right all the time when they suggested no contact. But it has been experience and we have learned from that experience.

[Pretty Woman]

Happenedtome,
     Yes. You are absolutely right. Sometimes you have to go through it many, many times, until you can't anymore...
or they just don't return again.

I used to get very frustrated with "newbies" on this board. I wanted to spare them the pain, shake some sense into them because I could see they were headed right back into the lion's den by re-engaging. You can sometimes see this trend in threads where the "seasoned" members are growing more and more frustrated, trying to convince the newbie not to re-engage.

I fjnally learned to take a step back. I don't post in those posts anymore. We are here to support and if I cannot be supportive in that moment I refrain from spewing my rhetoric. I know I did the exact same thing when I first came on here, and no matter what anyone said at that time... .I was doing it regardless of their advice.

I think that's just part of the process. Everyone has their own journey. No two are the same. This should always be a "safe haven" for those going through this stuff, regardless of what stage of the journey they are in when they arrive here.

[Idsrvt2]

Hello again PW,
As I sit here crying in my own muck today... .I want to offer some support as you did to me yesterday.
In your reply to me yesterday you said that you are friends with many of your xs... .so when you posted people see you as an enemy... I'm certain some see you as a very kind person as well.

I live like a recluse now too... I have no real friends... .people don't seem to take to me or if they do they act like my x and hurt me badly... .I have online friends... but my hands hurt from texting to them ... .I think the world has just changed a lot.
I have two new housemates and both have similar stories to me... .I think there are a lot of damaged People out there.  My x is transgender and I accepted her for everything she is... .I wasn't mad when I found out... .my x all of our xs lost very good decent people... .everyone on this board is so caring and nice.

I may go back into the den and I may not... .but I know I have someone here that will offer support on my really bad days.

It's not you PW  please know your not alone and while you are being a recluse so am I

[Pretty Woman]

Idsrvt2
I have several trans friends so I can relate. Not to over generalize but there are substantially more issues that seem prevalent in that community. When you are dealing with gender identity coupled with emotional disorders... .

there is a lot at play and I am sure you handled it as graciously as you could. I'm impressed.

Persons with BPD do not possess a core identity so could you imagine what a person who is transgendered must be going through? That's a lot!
Still, disordered or not, that doesn't give anyone the right to treat you poorly.They know right from wrong or they wouldn't have jobs... .would be arrested daily for scoffing the law and societal rules.

I mean my ex had had an abortion, gave a child up for adoption. She was young, she was clearly not able to take care of a child (still isn't at 45), but every year on his birthday she would grieve him. I would grieve with her. There are days I want to kick myself for being so understanding and loving, especially when I was so cruelly discarded. No one was there while I grieved. Instead I was threatened with a restraining order and told what a horrible human being I was.

Lets face it: I'm an odd character. If you met me you would think the opposite. I am above avg in looks and probably fit the popular girl stereotype... .but I am not. I've always valued the underdog. I am creative and think outside the box. I challenge ideas, while also respecting them.
I like weird. I like different.

I was both a target for my ex and also a major trigger. I get hit on... .a lot, especially by women because I am girly. I am the ultimate fem. I wear make up, I present myself with class... .I like to dress up.
but inside I am a total dork-wad... .
and I embrace that.

My ex was horribly jealous if anyone looked at me. Through her projection, she would accuse me of cheating if I just drove across town to see my father. I isolated myself from my family... .just so she wouldn't leave me.

When I was approved for weight loss surgery that threw her over the edge. If I could get dates 100lbs overweight... .

she never would have been able to handle me where I am now and to be honest, after three years of her dumping me and cheating I would have left her.

I have the most amazing person in my life now but I still think of my ex. She is still on my brain. I don't talk about her with my significant other. My other half was my friend during the whole ordeal and knows how much I ruminated and spoke of her.
That's why I am appreciative of this site. It allows me to vent to people who KNOW what this feels like.

More than anything I'm often angry at myself. I would not have been so isolated had I not isolated myself to save our relationship that wasn't even much of one to begin with. My dad recently moved out West and the last two years he was here I rarely saw him. All to save, to cling to something that wasn't working.

As I have gotten older I have grown comfortable with being alone. I like my down time. I relish my space... .but I am also a writer. I have characters to play with. I can create with these characters and not look crazy, . It's productive.

My only suggestion to you is to try to step out of your comfort zone. Try to socialize with persons other than just online. Sometimes it's too easy and we need a little "hard" to push us in a healthier direction.

[GlennT]

Heyo PW; I think that she DID see you, and kissed her! They love to do that skunk werk. Also, have you thought about the possibility that after all of this BS, that you caught some fleas, and have become a covert narcissist? Like me . I predict that they will be done within the next couple of years.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi PW,

I'm going to keep it short and sweet.  Just want to point out to you that we all meet people who don't belong in our lives forever.  They are just there for part of the journey.  Those who truly belong in your life will be the ones who are there in the end.  People detach from us for their own reasons so don't question what part you played in that regards friends and coworkers.  Some folk just are mean, selfish and immature.  There will always be others.

Never ever doubt yourself.  It's clear to me in the few posts of yours I've read that you are a very wise and compassionate soul with a great personality, who helps many others.  You are honest and unafraid to say it like it is.  I like weird and different too 

Love and light x 

[lovenature]

I think I struggle with the fact I've been cut out the hardest, or so I feel. I have watched her refriend all her exes or at least try to. I have watched her speak terribly of all of them, only to pull a 180 and praise them later in our union.
I don't ever see her praising me.

You could have gotten closer with her than the others so she has painted you black enough to maintain her reality of events. Feelings=facts for PWBPD, goes for past, present and future. The closer you get the more their fears of engulfment and abandonment are triggered; the ones who accepted the most and got the closest are the ones who got hurt the most.

Be proud of yourself for learning what you have, supporting others, and not being one of her "orbiters" anymore.

[KtotheK]

Happenedtome,
     Yes. You are absolutely right. Sometimes you have to go through it many, many times, until you can't anymore...
or they just don't return again.

I used to get very frustrated with "newbies" on this board. I wanted to spare them the pain, shake some sense into them because I could see they were headed right back into the lion's den by re-engaging. You can sometimes see this trend in threads where the "seasoned" members are growing more and more frustrated, trying to convince the newbie not to re-engage.


I fjnally learned to take a step back. I don't post in those posts anymore. We are here to support and if I cannot be supportive in that moment I refrain from spewing my rhetoric. I know I did the exact same thing when I first came on here, and no matter what anyone said at that time... .I was doing it regardless of their advice.

I think that's just part of the process. Everyone has their own journey. No two are the same. This should always be a "safe haven" for those going through this stuff, regardless of what stage of the journey they are in when they arrive here.

I agree ... .it is so hard! I have posted a couple of times in the last 2 weeks. I know NC is best (4 months NC now) but why is it that I cannot delete her number and why is it that I torture myself and look at her whatssap pic which shows her and the replacement blissfully happy? Would I feel liberated deleting the number - and I know the answer is probably yes, so why oh why can I not do it? I want her new relationship to fail so much. She is undiagnosed BPD but hinted at it to me after a 3 month recyle (as I now understand it) before leaving for the otherside of the world world on Xmas day! To say I was distraught and it destroyed me is an under statement. We'd been NC for 9 months before the recycle after a year n half relationship (which also I now see  had a few recycles). I was replaced ina matter of weeks after being told 3 weeks prior I was her one and only.
You seem and sound really strong ... .and at times I feel semi strong and I guess I am functioning, but I plummit into this semi dark place and I hate it. I know I need to delete her number but stupidly it feels like the last bit of contact I have without having contact ! Crazy sounding isn't it?  ... I no longer look at social media as it was destroying ... .I ask ppl what's on there which I guess is just as bad?
I'm scared to delete but it's the right thing to do isn't it? I think it's my window to know how things are going with the replacement ? In my head, no picture of the 2 of them, then perhaps it's on rocky ground? Again crazy irrational thinking ... .but doesn't stop me wishing for it to happen. Grrr ... .what have I / we done to deserve this when they appear to move on unscathed WITHOUT a care for us AT ALL. Sorry To ramble ... .I find weekends are particularly hard for the head and mind to race and think  

[FraFra85]

BPD have some patterns that repeat with every person that they meet. It's only matter of time that what happened to us will happen with replacements. The next victim will fall next you in some time.