Is it the BPD talking?

[CorsaG19]

Hey. Some of you know my story... .exdBPD walked out 4 weeks ago. NC on and off since then. No recycle attempt as of yet.

So last night i had a few friends round for drinks and to moan about the world. The ex was aware of this. When she finished work at 6pm she rang me. I shouldnt of answered. I knew she would try to ruin it somehow. So she starts arguing. Saying she can hear my friends mocking her in the background (They werent. They were laughing at her shouting at me down the phone) Apparently im awful for not sticking up for her. Explained that we arent together anymore and they hadnt done anything.  This went on all night. Couple of calls and a load of abusive messages which i pretty much ignored or tried to calm her down. Baring in mind she constantly rings me to let me know about girls shes dating or sleeping with.

I live in Manchester. Me and my friends spent half the night watching the news and making sure our loved ones were safe. I had young family members at the concert and luckily they were unharmed.

So i wake up to a message off her at 6am this morning. It read - 'Shame u werent at that concert'. This shocked me.  She has never been this abusive. I told her that was out of order. She went on to make comments about me sleeping with other girls that night (what she thinks i was doing). When i explained it was just a quiet night in with some friends she sent me - 'F*** off n get blown up will you'. I told her that was a disgusting comment and 19 people were dead so far. 19 CHILDREN. She replied 'Shame it isnt you' and said she was saying those things because 'it was fun'

I cannot believe it. I have never experienced this from her.  I have completely blocked her on everything and im washing my hands of her. I have even cancelled the storage unit we share and told her she has 14 days to remove all her stuff. Apparently im being vicious now doing that.

Is this really the BPD talking here? Making her be that nasty. That vicious. Why is she so angry that i socialised when shes out most nights having her one night stands? Im just in shock.  Its like i never even knew her

[Mavrik]

Sadly BPD can also consist of alcohol use to excess, so with her BPD behaviour add alcohol to it, and mix it with anger and you get what she said.

Maybe because you weren't engaging how she wanted you to she may have gone to extremes to get you to react, she made you feel bad she ruined your evening that's her job done

Don't assume she's going out a lot and sleeping around as they have a tendency to exaggerate.

It's best you block her and avoid all contact as if you let her in from time to time I will take you longer to recover

Glad your safe in Manchester as I'm from bolton and work in Manchester City and know the upset and stress there at this time

[RomanticFool]

CorsaG19,

That is unacceptable behaviour on such a tragic night. Don't ever talk to her again. I don't care if she has BPD or not, that is a level of verbal and psychological violence that should make you run for the hills. That is more psychopathic than BPD. Shocking, vicious and self centred. Get rid of this person from your life.

I have family in Manchester too and if somebody had said that to me this morning, I'd be taking out an injunction round about now.

You deserve a whole lot better than that disgusting behaviour.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Corsa,

I live in Manchester too.  We're all rattled by what has happened and she has said the worst thing she could at the worst time.  It sounds like others are right - she was seeking a way to REALLY get you to react the way she wanted.  Lashing out in the worst way to inflict emotional pain on you.  My ex used to admit openly that he just wanted me to hurt as much as he did.  Don't forget that a pwBPD feels tremendous pain that they can't escape from and it's like torture to them that we just can't understand.  So in answer to your question, yes I believe it is the BPD talking.  Maybe she is finally showing you what she's truly made of.  I also believe this could be a gift.  Bottle the sick disgusted outraged shocked feelings you felt when this happened.  Hold it close right now and use it as a reminder of why this woman is seriously unhealthy for you to maintain any form of contact with, no matter how minor.  Every recontact reopens the wound and delays your recovery.  Close the door for good.  The confusion you're feeling can cause you to have a curiosity, want answers and explanations, to want her to understand how wrong it was.  Do not take the bait.  She wants to keep lines of communication open and consciously or not, this was the motive.  Look after yourself and stay strong.

Love and light x

[Stripey77]

Morning all;

That is a disgusting thing to say, but it was designed to be wasn't it? I agree with RF, this does almost seem un-BPD like but then, as we have discussed so so many times on these boards, our exes are emotionally stunted, and as we know, so often seem to display the thought processes of a spiteful little child. And who here hasn't been at the receiving end of a barbed or spiteful comment from a child? (even if it was when you were a child yourself.) They can be surprisingly cutting sometimes.

Ultimately, words are really just words, however shocking they are... .it's us as human beings who gives them meaning or interpretation. I personally think that the most obvious thing you could do is give her a reaction, and that's what she's looking for. She is most definitely goading you for one. I think the most graceful and least combative thing you could do is as I have advocated on these boards so many times... .nothing. Don't feed the BPD monster! Just ignore it, however hard that may be.

She was deliberately saying the most inappropriate thing she could possibly think of and if you ask me, it's almost as if she was pushing the envelope as far as she could to see where your cut off point is. As we all keep saying, we need to not pay attention to the words and look at the actions. She is looking for a reaction, and in fact, by pulling up the drawbridge and washing your hands of her, then she's found your cut off point. Now she knows how to get a reaction out of you. Now, if you know with absolute certainty that you are done with her - really and truly done with chance of even breathing in her direction ever again - then well done you, you've done the right thing. This means you're going to make it impossible for her to ever contact you again in any way, right?  You are going to have to really mean it that you're done with her, for good. Because otherwise, if you let her in even an inch again, I'm afraid you might have actually just shown her how far to take it before you break.  

Everything - at least lots of things - with our exes, are a test, remember that. It's all a big test to see how much we will take and if we're 'real'... .or if we're going to ultimately abandon them, I firmly believe that. I actually started becoming aware of when I was being tested with my ex, it was too transparent at times. Remember that the ultimate fear is abandonment, whilst sadly behaving so atrociously that the poor non/friends/business partners ... .i.e. everyone in their immediate orbit, eventually has no choice but to abandon ship - or go down with them.  It's just too sad for words.  Although I do agree with RF as I say, I wonder if there is something else going on with her. I mean, my ex told me I was deleted and no longer existed... .but obviously this is rubbish and was like a small boy lashing out. Of course it was rubbish, of course he came back to talk to me, again and again.  Even at his most upset with me I cannot possibly imagine telling me something as vitriolic as your ex has. It must really hurt, I am sure.  

My own ex told me a few months ago that if his (ex) friends and business partner and his gf died "I won't cry, because they deserve it".  I have since ascertained that he has approached the gf to talk to her and tell her it was a shame things worked out as they did (he basically axed them from his life)  and how great she was at her job.  The same person he told me is "the biggest b*tch in the planet" and "a viper". Again and again, this puts me in mind of a small boy who lashes out when he is afraid or angry but then when he realises he's standing alone in the playground, wants to get close again. Because I know this is what I'm dealing with, nothing surprises me anymore and I am getting better at taking it all in my stride.

I'm not sure how on earth I'd cope with the words you'd got volleyed at you though, I must say.  

[RomanticFool]

I think saying something like that is beyond BPD. Even my ex at her worst, who told me, 'You are dead to me' when I called her out on her drinking, would never say something like that about an atrocity.

I posted something on here about empathy and BPD. It is a common misconception that they have no empathy, but that is not true, they just become empathy impaired due to their own emotional dysregulation.

To me that is an example of a total lack of empathy for anybody on the planet. I'm not a T but it certainly feels sociopathic or psychopathic.

My exBPD married lover never really hurled much abuse at me unless I provoked her by challenging her about her silent treatment of me. This probably puts her in the category of BPD traits as opposed to fully fledged BPD. However, I did see evidence of imparied empathy when we broke up, no regret or upset expressed. 5 weeks later I received a message saying, 'Thinking of you.' When I then contacted her further silence. 2 days later we spoke on the phone where she said, 'You asked me to call.' Then she sent me an email basically saying that she felt better without contact and I was more cut out for a 'double life' than her.

At the time I interpreted all of that as lack of empathy. What I think now is that she had already decided the r/s had to end and I just did her job for her. Perhaps her abandonment issues kicked in when I finally pulled the plug or perhaps she had met someone else. In the article I posted on here about BPDs and empathy it is suggested that they get empathy confused with their own emotional dysregulation. In any case, the effect on us is pretty much the same as if they didn't have any at all.

[CorsaG19]

Thanks guys

Its amazing to see how many of us are actually in the same area and going through the same issues.

The main thing she used to do was tell me about other girls she had slept with whilst we were on a 'break' and then tell me how much she was ready to be in a relationship with me now. Im an easy going person so as much as it all hurt i was good at sweeping it under the rug. Not anymore. I suspect this is why she has been pushing it the last few weeks. NC at first lasted a couple of days. Then a few more. 5 was the most. I felt she was testing me to see how much i loved her and how much i cared. She always made the first contact though.

Anyway this time im so angry and upset that right now i have no desire to ever see or speak to her again. Today is her dads birthday. Its been 2 years since he died of cancer and it hit her hard. I havent reached out though and this will probably stick the final nail in the coffin with her. But shes receiving the same compassion she gave the victims in Manchester.

She owed me money. Thats the only reason i stayed in contact really. Shes a student and cant work as shes on placement nursing unpaid. Her brother is an author and she does all the shipping for him of the books. I did them to help when we were together. Anyway ive decided just to sell the remaining ones i have to cover my costs and she said to do this in our final arguement.

Genuinely feel free now. No ties to her. Im obviously devestated still because i genuinely loved her but ive finally realised she doesnt deserve it. I know i can love again and be happy. Something she will never experience