Do they always recycle?

[Breathe066]

A few months ago when my HwBPD left and didn't come back (he frequently had meltdowns and left only to come back a couple of days later), I became the loneliest woman on the planet.
My therapist at the time said "I've seen this many times before. I know it doesn't feel like it, and you may not feel strong enough to do this right now, but I can just about promise you that if you don't reach out to him, you just sit tight and focus on you, he will try to get you back and the nice thing about that is, when he does, you would have had time to stabilize yourself and you can act in a better, healthier manner for yourself."
Needless to say, I haven't done that.
I have contacted him basically everyday, even when he blocks me for his amusement. We've had conversations that are pleasant until suddenly he flips the switch and becomes angry.
I am addicted to him. I am codependent.
But, my main concern today is that I am trying to get through this day, just one day, without reaching out to him, and if I can get through today, I can get through tomorrow, maybe.
I am afraid. I am terrified that I will never hear from him again.
So, for the sake of my sagging confidence, if I do not reach out to him, what is the likelihood that I will hear from him?

[roberto516]

It will probably happen. Listen I am struggling just to get 1 day "clean" if you will. Last email I sent was at 5 pm yesterday. At 5pm today I am going to cut out a circle in a piece of paper and put on it "24 hours. Get another day!" And that will be my chip. I wanted to message her. But I'm going to post that message here instead.

They tend to come back. After every anger phase and I swore she'd be done she would come back. We are officially done now. But I guarantee you if I stay away she will one day reach out. I am not under any illusions anymore. Especially because her last contact was apologizing terribly to me for reaching out, and hurting me more because she needed support. I highly doubt she will move past me never responding. But be ready. Recycles hurt just as much as the initial discard. It's up to you. But do what I didn't. If you smell a recycle coming. Tell on yourself here. Now let's get just one day NC. You and me both!  

[Pretty Woman]

Your therapist is right. More often than not they usually return once you've healed... .
and then you realize you don't want or need their drama anymore. It usually happens totally unexpected. For some reason they seem to have a sixth sense when you are going through a break up or may be vulnerable to a recycle.

Past behavior is also a good indicator of future contact. My ex dates all her exes... .even years later. The only ones she doesn't are the ones who have wised up and dumped her first or rebuffed her contact attempts. In those situations she experiences extreme shame and they become in her mind, "The one who got away" or the most amazing person she had ever met. She tends to put those individuals up on a pedestal.

Being a co-d myself the hardest thing was getting past worrying if she was coming back. The bigger issue is the co-d. If you work on that you won't care if he is coming back or not. We have to get you there first. You will also learn a great deal about yourself and what you will accept/tolerate from others.

I will tell you, three years out my choices are significantly different. When someone shows me who they are I don't give second chances. I surround myself with amazing, supportive people. I am in a very healthy, loving relationship.

There is still residual I am working on, like when myself and my GF have an argument. I tend to get on the defense because in the past even the most minute disagreement I would get dumped... .it's like I expect that... .
but when two emotionally healthy adults argue they can usually come to a compromise. There is no devaluing and discarding. You genuinely love each other and you come to an agreement.

I am very glad to hear you are working with a therapist and I hope she can help you work through your co-d issues. I think once you can get to the root of those issues and work on them you will gain an inner strength you always had but had not yet uncovered.

As for contacting him, what could you do to stop (in your opinion)? Are you blocked on FB? Have you deleted his number?

IF your ex has discarded you I am 99% positive anything he tells you at this point will only hurt you. The more you contact him the more desperate you look and they LOATHE that. It actually fuels them to be even meaner, to destroy you when you are at your weakest.

You are hurt right now and you have reason to feel the way you do. We need to get your mind off him and onto YOU. You cannot change, alter, fix him.

But you do have control over your actions and getting into a better mindset.

So how are you doing right now? Are you eating, getting enough sleep and exercising? Are you trying to keep yourself busy, socializing with friends/family?

PW
 

[Breathe066]

Roberto,
You've got a deal. I am aiming for 6 pm. Let's do this!

[Pretty Woman]

I also want to second, Roberto. With each recycle it tends to get shorter and more volatile. I had 13, yes 13 recycles. I think my healing would have been quicker had I not gone back an additional 12x but it was a learning experience and I had to experience it for myself.

[Breathe066]

PW,
I am not socializing very much because my confidence is shot. I met an old friend for dinner recently and he was so busy texting the whole time that I felt like a boring idiot. Other friends are busy with their own challenges and those who aren't, I frankly am draining.
I think I need to take steps that help me enjoy my own company more. One of the hardest things for me to do is to remember how awful life was with my H.
The other set-back is, believe it or not, some of the help tools on this site. That may sound weird, but it's because of my self-blaming mindset. For example, I just read about empathizing. I definitely did not do a good job with that at the end because the things he was accusing me of doing were so extremely upsetting. For example, he was jealous of my adult son, so he accused me of having an incestuous relationship with my adult son. I can't imagine how I was supposed to have handled that. I tried to pretend he was joking, so I kind of laughed (nervously) and then he accused me of mocking him. No way was I going to validate what he was saying. I said "I can tell you're really stressed out, why don't we watch a movie or something?"
And his response was that I was changing the subject because I was guilty.
If I can remind myself of those episodes, I can feel the relief of no longer having to deal with them, but the more I miss him, the harder it is to remember them.

[once removed]

hi Breathe066,

you sound conflicted here. i can remember struggling with not wanting to contact my ex, but wanting her to contact me.

whats the nature of your contact toward him? do you want to rekindle the relationship?

[Doughboy]

I am not socializing very much because my confidence is shot.

Try meetup.com and look for something in your area that interests you.  This was my Counselors suggestion to not only take my mind off of things but also to do something for just me.  I joined a weekly Euchre group that meets on Wednesday evenings.

I also asked around and finally found a close friend that will take ballroom dance classes with me -- salsa, foxtrot, swing, etc.  Now, TBH, this was something the Ex always talked about doing but we never got around to it.  I figure it should be fun aannnndddd in the off chance the Ex comes back, and I am willing to strap back in, it will show I did something that they were interested in and might make them a little more intrigued.

Finally, I looked around my town and found a place I could take some welding/metal working classes.  They also offer glass blowing, wood working, and some other things.


What I have done, at my Counselors insistence (and she makes provide proof I am doing these things), is I have found a group activity, a small activity, and an individual activity.  These will all allow me to build my confidence back up in different ways that are not "scary" since I chose the activity.


And yes,  I am hoping the Ex does try and recycle.  I actually have a fear/hope that something I posted on the saving board (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=310164.0) happens. But, until then I am going to become the best me I can be for me first and then for any other woman that might want to spend time with me.

[Breathe066]

Ox,
My estranged H and I always talked about dance classes and for that reason it is unlikely that I will ever take them. So much has been poisoned by him. There is so much I can't get near for all the pain and awful memories. I am also very shy and have a hard time making friends. Thinking of doing anything with a group makes me feel almost sick with anxiety. It was bad before him, now it's so much worse.
The thing is, it's almost like I am incapable of doing the things that will most help me. I just made myself go to a coffee shop to be around people and I felt completely invisible and oddly ashamed for being there.
Once Removed, I am pretty much where Ox is: Detaching, but painfully, and sometimes, at my lowest, kind of hoping to be "recycled." I know what the healthy choice is. It's just very difficult.
My contact with him tends to be of the practical/apologetic sort even when I have nothing to apologize for. We have logistical stuff to deal with.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Breathe066, To answer your question: Yup, those w/BPD generally act like boomerangs and will come around again.  Now, let's get to the real question: What would you like to see happen?  I can't tell if you are hoping for a recycle or if you are hoping to detach.  What is your gut feeling?  I'm asking you this question because, at the end of the day, you are in the driver's seat here in terms of deciding what is the best course for you.  Right?  Right.

LuckyJim

[once removed]

if you have logistical things to sort out, is having no contact with him possible?

can you elaborate a bit on the contact - youre having a pleasant conversation and he suddenly becomes angry. how so? and how does he react to your apologies?

i think the trick here, if contact is a must, is to learn to navigate it (we can help you with that), while not self defeating (apologies that you dont owe him).


as an aside, i can certainly relate to your feelings of isolation, and difficulty doing the things that seem like theyd make you feel better. my confidence was shot too, and its just so hard to connect with others or feel like you belong when thats the case.

i encourage you to take baby steps with this. for starters, the more you do, the more comfortable and natural it will get, but a bad experience is likely to make things worse. rediscovering old skills and hobbies is great for the confidence, and learning new skills is especially good. some of that can be done alone, but there are probably lots of opportunities to meet others, in a comfortable zone, like taking a class.

additionally, it might help to see a doctor if you feel unable to do the things that will most help you.

[Breathe066]

Lucky Jim,
Quite often I am hoping that an anvil will land on my head and take me out for good.
Seriously. I now know what it means for one to lose her will to live. I have lost mine. For hours now, I have been staring at my computer screen at work and accomplishing nothing. The more I think about how strong and clear-headed my soon-to-be-ex seems, the more I feel that I am a ridiculous cosmic joke.
He left more than two months ago. I remember the first week was great. I felt wonderful relief at not having to walk on eggshells anymore, not having to tell someone where I was every minute of the day and not having to agonize over getting the wording just right so he wouldn't be able to twist my words.
But as time has worn on, I have become more and more depressed. I can't help but notice that I have never had a good relationship, that years and years of counseling got me nowhere, that I still will pick the partner for whom I am least well-suited and that I always feel unworthy of friends.
That first week, I slept like a baby. For the first time since he moved in with me, I slept through the night because I didn't have someone next to me seething with anger and insecurity. Now I can't sleep and I don't understand why except that the dreams/nightmares are very vivid.
You see, he was my first love. I had a crush on him in high school and fell completely in love with him although he rejected me. Many years passed after graduation--34 years, to be precise--and through the magic of Facebook, we got together. Of course, I had no way of knowing what happened to him during that time. I didn't even really know him in high school and I certainly didn't know him when we started dating this time around. I had, in the past several years, managed to kind of pull myself together and start getting interested in my own life. Then we got involved.
I just don't think I have the wherewithal to climb back on the horse again, and his patronizing responses to my messages ("hey, how's your day?" like "You need to get out there and start dating! I've got plans tonight, cant talk" are killing me. It's only been two months. I don't think a normal person would want to get back out there and start dating yet. We aren't even divorced (although it's underway).

[Breathe066]

Once Removed,
I think our conversations deteriorate as he drinks. He's an alcoholic. And if we are messaging shortly after he leaves work, everything is fine but as the hours go on and he drinks a 12-pack between 6 and 10 pm, he becomes nasty and then nastier--accusatory (part of his paranoid aspect), angry about how I refuse to "admit" to having intentionally hurt him. I never intentionally hurt him and saying that if I did, I'm sorry, doesn't work because the "if" infuriates him. Recently, I decided to just cut off any conversations by 8 pm because after that, he's tanked and looking for a fight. But when I did that, he blocked me everywhere--saying that I was refusing to engage--which made it necessary to pay the attorney to ask him if the box of shared cooking utensils and small appliances is in his storage unit or at his sister's.
As I said, I'm trying to get through today without contacting him, without giving into that sad, awful ache in the pit of my stomach, the longing for the wonderful guy I used to think I knew but now, apparently, I must act as if he is dead and just grieve for him because he is certainly lost to me.

[Lucky Jim]

I can't help but notice that I have never had a good relationship, that years and years of counseling got me nowhere, that I still will pick the partner for whom I am least well-suited and that I always feel unworthy of friends.

Hey Breathe066, Don't beat yourself up!  You are definitely capable of a healthy r/s.  Lots of people, including me, have picked SOs who were ill-suited to them.  You're human, like the rest of us.  I doubt your friends consider you unworthy, so give yourself a break.  Suggest you treat yourself w/care and compassion.  Be good to yourself.  Accept yourself as you are.  Take a break from texting tonight.  Just be yourself, OK.  No, you don't need an anvil on your head!  Self-love, in my view, is the starting point.

LJ

[Doughboy]

Listen I am struggling just to get 1 day "clean" if you will. Last email I sent was at 5 pm yesterday. At 5pm today I am going to cut out a circle in a piece of paper and put on it "24 hours. Get another day!" And that will be my chip. I wanted to message her. But I'm going to post that message here instead.

Hope you made it!   I was rooting for you all day!

[Breathe066]

Ox and Roberto,
I made it! I made it to 6 pm and I am not going to message him tonight. Roberto, I hope you made it, too!

[HelenaHandbasket]

Oh good for you for making it!  :D  I was rooting for you the whole time I was reading through these comments.  Pat yourself on the back for that.

I'm curious--have you ever tried journaling? Just writing out your feelings and worries?  It might help.  When I was in my early 20s I was in a codependent relationship.  The guy wasn't BPD, but it was still a toxic relationship for me and I knew I had to get out but didn't feel strong enough.  I started seeing a therapist with the sole purpose of getting myself strong enough to get out of the relationship, and she suggested I start journaling. I'm sure it wouldn't be helpful for everyone, but it DEFINITELY was for me.  One particular thing that helped about it was that my therapist and I made a deal that every time I was tempted to call him when I knew I shouldn't, I would sit down and write through the anxiety that made me want to contact him. More often than not, by the time I finished writing I no longer wanted to call. 

Self-talk is SO powerful. What we say to ourselves really has an impact on our outlook. I have a wonderful, healthy marriage now, but in my teens and early 20s I went from one dysfunctional (sometimes abusive) r/s to another.  And I remember how damaging my self-talk was.  I hear some of that in your posts.  I'd love to see you sit down and write about your strengths, the things you are proud of yourself for. Those little affirmations can really be helpful, as corny as that may sound.

I'm so glad you found this board. I'm sure everyone else is rooting for you just as much as I am, and I hope you'll keep posting. If you are tempted to reach out to your ex, POST! We'll help you through.   

[Breathe066]

Helena,
Thank you. I have been journaling for years, but I am just beginning to get the hang of the self-talk. It is kind of miraculous. Instead of looking in the mirror and saying "You idiot, look what you've done to your life!" I look in the mirror now and say something nice no matter how small, like "You cleaned the kitchen, good for you, because you sure didn't feel like it!" or "You paid the bills! Way to go!" Or "You talked to another human being when you felt like hibernating. Bonus points!" It may sound silly, but it really works.