Trying to restore our relationship

[Edenk96]

So my girlfriend has had a really hard time in life lately. She has BPD, but she also has really bad PTSD and a panic disorder from past trauma. In the last few months she's been very suicidal and has trying killing herself. Which is completely terrifying. And in the last 2 months, two of her best friends died, and this week another friend of hers ended up in the hospital with a blood clot and was internally bleeding. So to say the least she's been going through a realllllly hard time.

I should also probably mention I have depression anxiety and it's really bad. And it gets worse when I'm worried about her. As you can understand.

We have never had fights until this week and yesterday was the biggest one and she broke up with me for it.

Today is her birthday. And yesterday she texted me saying she was going to get drunk by herself and try to restrain herself from killing herself because she is seriously considering buying herself a box of razor blazes for her birthday. And then she wouldn't answer me. I freaked out and called the cops and told them the whole situation and they went and checked on her.

When the police showed up she was in the bath and claimed she was fine.

She called me after they left and screamed at me. Saying that I scared the crap out of her family and that I am making her worse.

She's also said that I've backstabbed her for doing that, that I should have called her or her parents first. Which is understandable, I should have. But I thought I reacted like any other person would. She's blamed me for everything and has been all of this my fault. She has said he can't tell me anything because I somehow man gave to make everything 10 times worse. And she is completely convinced that I am the villain and I impersonated her, that I pretended to be another person this entire time just to deceive her and screw her over this whole time of knowing her. She also said that I'm so selfish and I'm making this all her problems and suffering all about me and that I called the police to get attention. Which is not true I've blended backwards for her, I have been giving her my 120%. And she ended our relationship because of this. Because I called the cops to make her she was okay. Because I took her seriously. Now she is convinced that I serious mental illnesses that are diagnosed yet that made me do this. She's trying to make stuff up to make sense of my actions...

Idk. I love her so much and I'd do anything to make it right again. Do you think she will come around? That she will forgiving me or see my side? Or atleast apologize?

I don't know what to do. Please help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Edenk96, 

She called me after they left and screamed at me. Saying that I scared the crap out of her family and that I am making her worse.

I would have called the cops too, she's mad at you because she's ashamed and probably embarrased too. I don't think that you should have to call her or her parents before, I would have given you the same advice, we're don't have training for dealing with situations where the person is suicidal, you leave that to the hands of professionally trained experts. It was her choice to say what she said, you're not responsible for that

She also said that I'm so selfish and I'm making this all her problems and suffering all about me and that I called the police to get attention. Which is not true I've blended backwards for her, I have been giving her my 120%.

There's a lot of projection here from here and there's emotional blackmail in the first paragraph. To answer your question about her and if she's going to apologize to you, probably not, I say that because BPD is a persecution complex, the person believes that their circumstances are caused externally by others, it doesn't mean that she'll never apologize I just wouldn't wait for one. That's easy for me to say as I type on my keyboard, but I can understand feeling upset, hurt, confused and you're like for her to repair the r/s.

To answer your question about if she's going to come around, I don't think that it's a deal breaker for her, feelings are quick silver to a pwBPD, you may find her in a different mood later. So, since you posted have you two spoken?

[Edenk96]

Since I wrote this. She broke up with me. But she doesn't seem to be furious any more. But she keeps checking me out on social media and viewing My posts. She is completely convinced that she didn't do anything wrong and that I betrayed her. And she won't stop staying I tried to impersonate her. (Pretend to be someone else to deceive her).

So I asked last night, so your basing who I am off of one night and one incident?
So she asked me how the hell I would take it and I told her, I would try to talk about it together and see how the situation made each of us feel and the intentions behind the actions that were made. I said

"You won't even try to hear my side, so I've said all I can say. I'm still very deeply in love with you, I am. And I will be for a very very long time. I wish you'd just hear me out here and try to understand my side of things. I know that deep down under all the anger that still love me. Because I know our love wasn't fake. And if you'd listen to me, maybe you'd see that I wasn't playing you. Maybe you'd see that with my pure intentions that I made a mistake that just messed everything up. That it wasn't planned, but everything just blew up in our faces and every went horribly wrong. Because to me that's what happened. I should have called you or your parents. And that mistake messed everything up and I understand that.Please don't get mad at me right now for these messages, okay? I'm just trying to have a conversation with you and be truthful.
Please can you try to see that? "

She hasn't answered yet. But I think he might still be sleeping.

So with her believing that her issues and stuff are caused externally through others, does that mean she will never try to see my side? I'm just hoping that after maybe even a few days that she will try to see my side and the intentions behind calling the cops. And see that I was lying about who I was. Because I actually do care I really do more than anything. And I don't want our relationship to end over something like this. I don't want to lose her.

I don't really know what to do or what to say. I just hope she calms down and tries to see my side. Or atleast tries to forgive me for what she thinks that I did wrong because I am showing her that I care I'm putting all my effort in.

[Mutt]

HI Edenk96,

Since I wrote this. She broke up with me. But she doesn't seem to be furious any more. But she keeps checking me out on social media and viewing My posts. She is completely convinced that she didn't do anything wrong and that I betrayed her.

I don't think that you have to do anything, just sit tight and wait. I think that she might be testing you, a core criterion with BPD is a a fear of abandonment, real or perceived, in fact a pwBPD anticipate that all of their partners will abandon them, so they'll test that theory.

Seeing someone else's side requires that you can put yourself in their shoes, that's called empathy. A pwBPD have empathy but it's difficult to put yourself in someone else's shoes when you expect rejection at every turn, you fear abandonment, you feel more intensely and those feelings last longer than others, you have chronic feelings of shame and emptiness, some pwBPD say that it's difficult to get out of bed in the morning.

It makes me think of that saying "Be kind to everyone you meet because you never know what battles people are fighting" Everything that's going inside of her is not personal, it's hard for her to see your side or empathize.

[Edenk96]

Thank you so much for all you've said. You have been such a great help and i have more hope that things will work out.

[Edenk96]

Wait! Is there more you can tell me about emotional black mail? I just googled it and I've mever heard of it before!

[Mutt]

Sorry, I thought I gave you a link 

https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

[Edenk96]

I texted her asking if we could talk on the phone and talk about all this. And various times after expressing how I feel. And she hasn't answered... .

[Mutt]

How many texts?

[Edenk96]

Kind of a lot in the past two days... .

[once removed]

hi Edenk96,

i can certainly understand why you called the police. i might have done the same thing, and i dont think it was necessarily the wrong move. suicidal ideation should be taken seriously.

having said that, i agree with  Mutt that shes probably feeling embarrassed. from her perspective, she likely even feels violated (she accused you of backstabbing) and people with BPD have a difficult time trusting others.

i suspect that this will blow over, but i think the best thing you can do for both yourself and her is to give her some space at the moment. more texts are likely just validating her distorted belief system, or making her feel invalidated.

what do you think?

[Mutt]

Hi Edenk96,

i suspect that this will blow over, but i think the best thing you can do for both yourself and her is to give her some space at the moment. more texts are likely just validating her distorted belief system, or making her feel invalidated.

We spoke about empathy, if we turned this the other way around and see it from her perspective, what is it telegraphing when you're sending a bunch of texts?

I also wanted to add, she probably knows that if she responds you'll respond right away. I'd like to echo   once removed, give her some space for now, you don't want to come off too strong, what else is there left to say at this point?

Leave the ball in her court.

[Edenk96]

I think both of you are right.

And I think me texting her might just be making things worse

But I read this article and I think that if this does just blow over and we get back together that it'll just become a cycle of conflict and the official ending would be much worse.
This article says it'll never go back to the way it was so what's the point in trying? I desperately want to be with her but I know it would be unhealthy. I don't know man like I'm so confused and I don't know what I want right now

[Edenk96]

https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Here is the article I read. Do you agree with it? What are your thoughts?

[once removed]

im a big fan of the article, but its for those that are detaching from the wounds of a breakup.

remember, this is a spectrum disorder, and while our situations have much in common, all of our relationships consist of two unique people.

to answer your question, the article doesnt say you will never enjoy your relationship again. its speaking to the honeymoon stage of a relationship... .no relationship remains in that stage. its generally best to think of reconciliation, in a bigger sense, as a new relationship, as opposed to returning to the old dynamics (cycle of conflict you refer to).

[CantLiveWOU1]

Kind of a lot in the past two days... .

Man I can't stop texting him. I have to put my phone on do not disturb. My boyfriend has BPD and I should be use to this but I can't handle the rejection and he knows it. He even laughed to someone "I know how and where to push all of her buttons!" God it's cruel. I feel for you.

[Mutt]

I don't get the feeling that this is the one ( break-up ) that's going to end things. Have you broken-up / made-up before? If so how many times? I can see how that article sounds scary, but that's the big one that will end the r/s, having said that, everyone's situation is unique and their own, it's not one size fits all. Even if it were the big one, again I'd like to echo   once removed, there's a chance that you'll reconcile at some point in the future. Don't get ahead of yourself, concentrate on the now, have you heard of that saying take things one day at a time? You can break that further down and take things one hour at a time.

What do you like to do? Do you have hobbies?

[Edenk96]

Thank you you three!

So I should just sit here and wait right now?
I'm thinking I won't text her until she answers now.
I'm gunna take this time to my advantage and just work on coping and trying to heal. And to be around my supportive friends. Going to try to not have any specific desired outcomes if that's possible.
I'm in complete anguish right now and completely devastated.

But also I'm really scared because I relate to some of the traits of BPD. I've always been incredibly emotional and super sensitive. I've had a past of raging out and having really unstable friendships with a few people. I know that doesn't necessarily mean I have BPD it could just mean I've just had a really hard past year and a half and my stress level is so high. And my pain level is excruciating to the point I don't want to exist anymore. But I'm scared. I don't want to have BPD. I don't want to hurt others... .maybe this relationship might just be giving me some traits because of being in a relationship with a pwBPD.

I'm getting referred to a psychiatrist soon. So I'll find out sooner or later.

I'm just going to use this waiting time to focus on myself in a non selfish way... .

[Edenk96]

Also though, I feel I've been soo hurt that if we did get together again that I wouldn't trust her let alone have the strength. Like I am so weak right now I feel close to death. Like I'm shut down right now. So again hopefully during this time I can recooperate and get stronger again.

I also feel like if we do reconcile and get back together that she won't trust me either and if we both don't trust either how the heck is that going to work? Do we start over? Go super slow again?

And mutt, I forgot to answer your question. This is our first time breaking up. And I do have hobbies, I like to play music and do art. But I have zero motivate to do anything right now. I'm seriously just looking for ways to cope, to escape this pain. To get away from my life.

I'm trying to cope... .I'm surrounding myself with friends each day and I have two out of city trips with friends. Going to get away from the city and my life for a while. I just can't do anything right now. It's just hard because of my depression and anxiety my thoughts and fears are insanely painful too. Like I'm thinking about her sleeping with other men. Moving on. Forgetting about me. Thinking she never loved me in the first place, even know I know she did. And just thinking its over and I'll never see her again. Everything I see, think, hear, say or do reminds me of her.

[Edenk96]

At the same time I know as painful as it is that I need to accept my pain. To allow myself to feel. To cry when I need to until I'm too tired to cry anymore and soon enough perhaps it'll will stray to diissapate. I've heard from my psychology professor in college who has multiple doctor level degrees, she once said to me that the only way to get rid of a feeling is by letting yourself feel them.

[Mutt]

she once said to me that the only way to get rid of a feeling is by letting yourself feel them.

You could try a positive coping statement like "This feels bad, it is a normal body reaction.  It will pass."

Do you think that you're going to harm yourself?

[Edenk96]

Yeah I'll definitely try that I think I have already started to try that.

Well no. I mean i have had suicidal tendencies and ended in the hospital a few times. But I don't think I'll do anything to harm myself. I'm not suicidla right now I'm just in a lot of pain. Which you've experienced and know what it's like.

I can't express how desperately I need this site and this family. If I wasn't so broke I'd donate so much to this site. I wish I had a group like this in person. Is this was therapy is like?
What ever this is, I need mor of this! I'm not alone!

[Mutt]

I'm glad to hear that you like the site   I just wanted to give you some advice, my P suggested to join group therapy because the cost is split with the others in the group, it's an option if the cost is too high for you for a T, I also wanted to let you know that we're here 24/7/365, you can always find someone to talk to  

[Edenk96]

Thank you so much mutt!

Yeah? I was suggested to try group therapy too! I think I'll do it! I'll talk to my doctor and see what she can refer me to!

And I will always be apart of this family. Every time anything happens in the future I'll always come here.

[once removed]

Edenk96, i know youre in a lot of pain right now, but you do sound very grounded, and i think you have a rock solid plan that is going to really help you regardless of the outcome.

to answer your questions, most of the changes in the relationship will likely need to be led by you. this will give you emotional space and stability, healthy boundaries, etc. something like trust is built slowly over time, and to reiterate, pwBPD are naturally distrusting. part of leading these changes will involve accepting her limitations, which doesnt preclude hope, but is realistic. ideally, she follows your lead, and improves herself, too.

youre not alone, and there is hope

[Edenk96]

Once removed,

Thank you!

Okay so what limitations would their be with her, like a few examples.

And do you have any ideas of healthy boundaries I should set up? Just so I can get an idea?

[once removed]

Okay so what limitations would their be with her, like a few examples.

i think our article on "what does it take to make it" covers this nicely.

Realistic Expectations: A person with BPD is emotionally underdeveloped and does not have "adult" emotional skills - especially in times of stress.  If you are in this type of relationship it is important to have realistic expectations for what the relationship can be in terms of consistent respect, trust and support, honesty and accountability, and in terms of negotiation and fairness, or expectations of non-threatening behavior.  It is important to accept the relationship behavior for what it is - not hope the person will permanently return to the idealization phase, not accept the external excuses for the bad behavior, and not hope that changing your behavior to heal someone else.

this is where radical acceptance comes in. accepting your partner as they are, which doesnt preclude hope for change, but being realistic in your outlook. not doing so breeds a lot more frustration.

[asiyah93]

"She is completely convinced that she didn't do anything wrong and that I betrayed her…So I asked last night, so your basing who I am off of one night and one incident?"

Been through this so many times with my BPD person. To this day, he accuses me of betraying him because I’ve talked about a few of my problems with him to a select few, even though I’ve also addressed him directly. I’ve told him time and time again that those are isolated incidents, not the entire picture, but when he’s in his rage mode, there’s no convincing him otherwise. So I just don’t. I’ve given up. Do the splitting, I don’t care, I was good a minute ago, now I’m bad? Whatever. They like to say the word betrayal a lot and accuse everyone of doing it because they continue to betray themselves and others with their behaviors. What I did was own up the times I did “betray” him, apologized for it, and then told him he doesn’t make things easy and he’s not easy to talk to. And for the first time ever I said this is why other people have a problem with you too. So while yes, I did talk about you to a few others, I’ve owned up to that and apologized and now I’m taking the problem directly to you. And that’s STILL an issue. *sigh* it’s exhausting. Apologize for real betrayal, but this wasn't one of those cases.