one month since my first post...

[ChristieRocNY]

Early in my detachment from my now ex-fiancé, a good friend recommended this board.  I logged on, read a bit, and then tried to manage it all on my own.  I realize I can't.  In the past few weeks, I put an offer in on my own home (hoping to close next week), moved out of my home I had with my ex, moved in with family while I am in limbo, and have been dancing the dance with my ex for weeks... .
  When I moved out, it was mother's day weekend, and he happened to be out of town visiting his mom.  I did not tell him I was going.  He had said some hurtful things, painting me black, before he left.  So I packed up and he came home to an empty house.  Of course I get the texts and calls upon his return that it was so hard for him, that he wasn't anticipating I would do that, that it was the worst night of his life... .and because I still love him, I felt awful.  I didn't go back.
  24 hours after I was out of the house, his ex-girlfriend was there.  Our home was smart connected, with video surveillance that was on my cell phone... .and he knew that.  I was watching my worst fears unfold before my eyes.  I deleted the apps on my phone, or I would have gone crazy. 
  Now every time he is alone he calls with the remorseful apologies, the "its not your fault", 'you did nothing wrong", Im a horrible person, I don't deserve you... .
   And then the angry texts... ."why did you cancel the cable and garbage service?" Because they were in my name... .
  Right now I do not have a good option for no contact.  Because I am in the middle of purchasing my own home, my mail, our joint bank accounts, and other logistics cant be cancelled until after I close. 
  I am just exhausted.  Still crying every day.  Still playing the "what if" game in my head.
 My friend who also has an ex with BPD has been a great support and sounding board.  I need to read more here.  I need to write more... . 

[blueblue12]

Hi ChristieRocNY,
I feel for you, take care and make sure to keep or try and develop NC. My ex wife left me and the discard was terrible. I did everything I could to remedy the situation to no avail, I was too controlling, too insecure, etc... .never mind that I was her only supporter, nurturer, facilitator, lover, husband, cook, financial supporter for ten year, etc, etc... .I was bad and she 'loved me but was not in love  with me" it was heartbreaking, awful time, a year long distressing time.

After she left I said goodbye and went NC and she went crazy. Calling me begging to see me... .I kept that up for two months then I was recycled once, by them I was the best man in the world and she made a 'mistake' and felt 'angry, depressed, sad' with herself. The recycle didn't last long, now after two months again she wants to try as I am 'the love of her life'. Never mind that she separated from me while living together and started a new relationship!

Now how much am I really meant to forgive? It's ridiculous really. Six months since the break up I feel more at ease, more settled and see the long relationship for what it was, basically me been codependent and obsessed with her. I have a great T who helps me define the situation, he is the one that mentioned she sounded borderline. I had no idea. I just thought it's all my fault I was too controlling!

Now I actually see things different and don't feel the urge to reestablish the connection, as my T says there is no hurry, just assessed the situation and take your time. What is important are the actions not just the words and I get a fair share of beautiful words, but I don't really believe them any longer.

Take care and be strong... .NC or LC may be the way. As I read notes here it seems we are all really accepting of bad behaviours and it is not right.