My First Post

[J123]

Not really sure what to say here... .

But basically, my partner has Borderline Personality Disorder. We broke up a few months ago, and over those few months I have researched and researched and researched to give me the tools to support him, whilst ensuring my own happiness.

I have signed up to this website to give me yet another valuable resource for information.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rosey87]

Welcome   

I am also kind of new to this site. My girlfriend and I broke up a couple months ago as well. It's hard due to the fact we haven't even talked. Just been ghosted and discarded pretty much.

Hope you find some answers and a little solace here.

[Meili]

I'm sorry to hear about your relationship troubles, but I'm glad that you found us. I'm sure that you'll find support and a wealth of information here. By reading the posts of others, it will become apparent that you are not alone in what you have been experiencing.

Was he diagnosed? What lead to the break-up?

Poke around the site and ask any questions that you like. I'm pretty certain that someone else here has experienced the same as you or something very similar.

I look forward to reading more about your story.

[J123]

Hello!

Still not sure how to work this thing - hope I'm posting in the right place.

He is diagnosed. In DBT therapy. He has come a long way since hospitalisation and tons of therapy (before I met him).

We started dating again. It's been a rocky ride, but we've both been working really hard and over all it's way better than it was before.

My current challenge is - how do you reintroduce limits when you suddenly notice they have been chipped away at?
At first, I was very strict on how much communication we had, as I felt he would take up all my time, and no communicating is enough to show him I love him. It worked really well, and he started to be able to 'self-soothe' and trust that I would still be there when we weren't communicating.

As I say - this has slowly eroded away and he has pushed and pushed the limits to the point where I'm feeling drained again and feeling trapped with the amount I have to communicate.

Secondly - he has become less and less conscious of my feelings and more focused on his own, compared to when we started this second round. It has got to the point where any time I mention my own feelings (whether or not they are relevant to him) it becomes about him and how I have made him feel, rather than focusing on the feelings I have shared. This has also got to the point where it is really draining, but I don't know how to explain all this without completely insulting him!

Any tips anybody?

[Meili]

  You seem to be working things with the forum just fine.

It's good to hear that things are starting to get better even if things are a bit rocky still. Things take time, and repairing a damaged relationship is no exception.

I think that many of us can relate to letting our guard down and not maintaining our boundaries as stringently. It seems to be a pretty natural reaction. But, you will be well served to fight that inclination. As I'm sure that you're aware, it gets harder to get back on track once you've started to let your boundaries slip. In our lesson on BPD BEHAVIORS: Extinction Bursts we discuss intermittent reinforcement and the perils of it.

Your partner has to learn that  when you say no, that you mean no.  Any hint of weakness is a reward, encouraging him/her to continue trying.

The good news is that you can make it happen though. Start by maintaining your boundaries again. Reinforcing Good Behavior and Positive Reinforcement will probably help as well. By not allowing the bad behaviors and rewarding the good ones, you can help him understand what is and is not acceptable.

What you are talking about with regard to his not listening to your feelings is another fairly common thing around here unfortunately. In a relationship with a pwBPD, the non has to be the emotionally strong one. What kind of support network do you have besides him?

[J123]

That's all really helpful! Thank you! As you know, sometimes the most helpful thing is just to admit to yourself and others how hard it is. There is often a lot of shame that comes with dating someone who has BPD. This idea that you can't possibly complain about your relationship, because you've decided to date someone with a personality disorder - but guess what - every relationship has its ups and downs and it's nothing to be ashamed of. And by bottling it up, and trying to handle it on your own, that's when it gets the most difficult.

I do find that whilst I'm reading and researching, I find it much easier to keep a hold on the situations and see them from a practical perspective, rather than from an emotional one. It kind of helps to not take things personally.

I have a strong support network of friends and family. I generally have a very busy life, which is why the main boundaries that are crossed are about how much communication we have and when. We get caught in a vicious cycle of him wanting to talk more to be reassured that I care, and me doing so but giving off the vibe that I don't care (because I'm busy doing something), which makes him panic and want more communication etc and off we go.

We've agreed limits again - of speaking twice a week and texting occasional, longer messages throughout days, rather than the constant stream of communication it was. This has worked really well and he is such much happier (as am I, as I am able to go and enjoy myself without worrying about him).

The hardest time is always when one of us returns from visiting the other, as that is when we are both most emotional. The way I like to deal with this is keeping busy, whereas his way of dealing with it is talking to each other. So I think it will be a case of sticking to these pre-set limits and reminding ourselves that 2 conversations a week is what works best for the both of us, to make sure that we can enjoy our own lives and not become too overly dependent on the other.

Let's see how it goes!

[J123]

The only thing I find challenging is trying to judge when limits need adjusting according to situations.

So for example, my partner will say that there has to be exceptions to rules and that is 'reasonable', but in the moment I feel actually that is not reasonable. Then it is very hard to try and put my foot down, because I get anxious that my gut feeling is wrong and he is right. But I guess that's where its more about my own feelings - am I feeling that I want to talk right now? Am I feeling calm and happy? Do I want to sort it out now or do I want to talk about it later?

But still I trust others opinions so much more than my own - I'm terrible at validating myself! And that may mean I am reinforcing him convincing me to go against my gut instinct.

[Meili]

I am glad that things seemed to have calmed down and are back on track for you guys. That's great!

I fall somewhere between a hard, rigid line for a boundary and "there are sometimes exceptions." I agree that there are exceptions. In this case, if an emergency, a true emergency, were happening then maintaining a rigid boundary would not make any sense and could be damaging. But, if the exception is just because he is feeling insecure, then I'd lean the other way.

The only way that he is going to feel secure, and you are going to maintain your self-respect, is for both of you to experience consistency over time. After a while, you're self-respect will remain intact because you have maintained your boundaries and he has realized that even though you are maintaining them, you have not abandoned him.