Recently broke up with my partner of 7 years

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Finding this site has been a revelation. I've spent 7 years trying to understand and work out what was wrong with my partner, she has some symptoms of so many mental disorders yet this ticks just about every box!
I've had so many lightbulb moments while reading through all the information available, so much now makes sense, I feel a huge weight has been lifted, that finally I understand what's been going on!
It's early days yet, 6 weeks ago she had another outburst, it came out of nowhere, she thought I'd been "off" but couldn't give a single example, when I pointed out that she seemed irritable with me she exploded, a tiny woman, friends and family struggle to believe me when I say she's the most intimidating person I've ever known when she loses her temper, I've never seen anything like it, intimidating and frightening!
I left and we had no contact for 2 weeks, when I did make contact (it was normally me because she never thought it was her fault) she told me it was over, being ignored for 2 weeks was so stressful and and an awful thing to do! As for the argument, my fault of course, she said I talked over her, it was my fault she got angry.
Several weeks went by, I tried contact again, she wouldn't respond to a text, wouldn't answer the phone, cut me off completely, finally she responded to tell me it was over for good, we weren't good for each other and I had issues and over reacted to a little argument! By this time, I was taking most of the blame as usual in order to open some sort of dialogue, to meet and talk things over, but to no avail, this has happened probably a dozen times or more over 7 years but this time feels different, she's reacted differently. I've felt desperate the past few days, desperate to get back with her, this site has given me strength and hopefully if she does contact me I'll be able to say no and finally walk away and find the old me.
I've hardly scratched the surface, so much of what I've read rings true, so much now makes sense. I need to make this permanent, I need to stay away from her, even though the draw is unbelievably strong. I still love her, but I can't go on like this, it seems the choice is out of my hands now anyway.

[Bob49]

Finding this site has been a revelation. I've spent 7 years trying to understand and work out what was wrong with my partner, she has some symptoms of so many mental disorders yet this ticks just about every box!
I've had so many lightbulb moments while reading through all the information available, so much now makes sense, I feel a huge weight has been lifted, that finally I understand what's been going on!
It's early days yet, 6 weeks ago she had another outburst, it came out of nowhere, she thought I'd been "off" but couldn't give a single example, when I pointed out that she seemed irritable with me she exploded, a tiny woman, friends and family struggle to believe me when I say she's the most intimidating person I've ever known when she loses her temper, I've never seen anything like it, intimidating and frightening!
I left and we had no contact for 2 weeks, when I did make contact (it was normally me because she never thought it was her fault) she told me it was over, being ignored for 2 weeks was so stressful and and an awful thing to do! As for the argument, my fault of course, she said I talked over her, it was my fault she got angry.
Several weeks went by, I tried contact again, she wouldn't respond to a text, wouldn't answer the phone, cut me off completely, finally she responded to tell me it was over for good, we weren't good for each other and I had issues and over reacted to a little argument! By this time, I was taking most of the blame as usual in order to open some sort of dialogue, to meet and talk things over, but to no avail, this has happened probably a dozen times or more over 7 years but this time feels different, she's reacted differently. I've felt desperate the past few days, desperate to get back with her, this site has given me strength and hopefully if she does contact me I'll be able to say no and finally walk away and find the old me.
I've hardly scratched the surface, so much of what I've read rings true, so much now makes sense. I need to make this permanent, I need to stay away from her, even though the draw is unbelievably strong. I still love her, but I can't go on like this, it seems the choice is out of my hands now anyway.

[Mutt]

Hi Bob49, 



I'd like to welcome you to the family. I'm glad that you've found found us, I completely understand how confusing / distressing it feels when our pwBPD push us away and then pull, it feels like an emotional rollercoaster that you're not quite sure if you can get off. You can detach from a pwBPD, you're not alone. Do you have still things at your old place? Are you married? Are there legal things that you have to settle? Do you have kids?

[blueblue12]

Hello Bob49,
I also feel that pull, it is strong at times. But... .I am a better place now after a relationship/marriage of ten years duration. At the end she left me but now wants me back. I don't feel the same way anymore and although I miss her and I think I love her or I am obsessed with her, I don't feel that getting back together will be great as it is bound to derail again. I was too controlling, too insecure that is what I was repeatedly told, I thought it was all my fault too, but now after learning about BPD I feel that there was nothing I could really do, it wasn't meant to last... .

[Bob49]

Hi Raul,

Thanks for the response, can I ask how long you've been apart now? We both know nothing would change, unless she admits there's a problem things would carry on as before. I expect the accusations of being controlling and insecure more accurately described her? I would be constantly told I was grumpy or bad tempered, I'd have had a great day and look forward to seeing her only to be told within seconds or minutes that I was grumpy, and there was no way out, nothing I said or did could change her opinion, of course it was her who was grumpy!

[Bob49]

Hi, Thanks for the response and the welcome.

We weren't married and never lived together, I realised early on that I couldn't walk the behavioural tight rope 24/7 so I never moved in. I've said to friends that it would have been worse than living on a military camp, at least on the camp you knew the rules! Hers would change daily depending on her mood, "walking on eggshells" seems to come up time and again, but that's exactly how I was with her. So many arguments, or should I say rages, started by her, so many times I had to come and collect a bag of belongings from the door, in the end I left nothing there except a toothbrush.
Nothing ties us together so things could be worse, but the emotional ties are unbelievable, me ex wife and I broke up after 20 years, I had 2 little girls with her and that was easier than leaving my current partner, the pull is so strong, I always said it felt like she cast a spell on me. Since finding this site I feel so much stronger and more confident I can actually get through this.

[blueblue12]

Hey Bob49,
I had similar experiences. We lived together while 'separated' which was while I tried in vein to fix things. Now it has been six months but with a recycle after two months. I decided after we broke up and she left on a trip to say goodbye. She didn't like that. But I kept NC for two months then she begged me to see her. I did and we were back! Didn't last long. Then I have been LC but she has been texting me asking to rekindle and work on the relationship. Trouble is I know it will derail again. She tells me that she is going to a T. She also tells me that she hasn't got a PD but I am now convinced that she has. So to me until she faces the truth it's hard to see a future. At the moment I am settled and calmer then I was six months ago. I don't feel the urge, I don't feel desperate to see her, in fact I don't want to see her as she will seduce me and I will be back which frankly I don't want as it will end in tears again.

[Bob49]

Raul, it's good to see you're stronger, it gives me hope that I can see this through, problem is, as you say, I know if I see her, start contact, it would be easy to fall under her spell again, I'm weak when it comes to her. Hopefully she'll do me a favour and maintain the NC
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