I'm still trying to untangle what is BPD vs another personality disorder vs just traits of my mother that have nothing to do with pd.
Hi LittleBlueTruck ,
I'll pass on something my therapist says to me. Don't get lost in wanting a "label". It's not an answer, really. I keep wanting a label so I can research and read everything out there on said label. But that doesn't help. Seek the validation from within. (Something I desperately want to do but can't).
I am often put in situations where anything I do is the wrong move.
That sounds like very BPD-like behavior. I used to tell my therapist that it felt like my mother was putting down landmines, and anytime I figured out where they were, she'd move them on me.
Do not allow her to put you in any situations like this. Stay out of the games. Don't take the bait. You will lose every single time, and she will gloat.
For example:
It is excruciatingly difficult to buy my mom anything she needs. She does not have any income, so she relies on others. She provides a lot of childcare to us, so this seems fair to me and not anything I resent her for. In fact, the opposite. I WANT to see her needs met. But if I try to get any information about sizing, preference, etc, she is adamant she wants nothing and will go so far as to question my motives, insult whatever it is I am trying to buy for being inferior quality, or make comments about how wasteful we are with money. BUT, if we do NOT provide things for her, she constructs a narrative to herself and eventually others that she is basically imprisoned here and we deny her basic needs.
You will never win. So stop trying. I say that with love, seriously. It's very sweet and kind to want to see her needs get met. The way to get past this, is this: remind yourself that she will never behave in a rational way. What would a rational person do? A rational person would say, "Thank you for wanting to meet my needs. I am so appreciative that I have a loving daughter and son in law to help me. If it's not too much to ask, I'd love a couple of new pants. Here is my size, color, and store preference."
A person with BPD will never be able to do that. So you must give up the expectation that she will ever respond normally and healthy to your giving her something or wanting to give her something.
The other key, is to never ever let her see that her reaction is frustrating you or pushing her buttons. Keep your emotions out of it. Do something like this:
"Hi mom, here are some shirts I bought you today at ______". Whatever mom's reaction, let it go in one ear and out the other--whether it's to complain about the color, quality, fit, or to complain that she didn't want to be a burden, etc. Let her talk for a minute, hold your facial expression in a soft, blasey smile, and don't change it but don't overdue it, then just say completely unemotionally, "Ok!" with the same soft blasey smile, and leave the room or change the subject. Basically show her that whatever her response is, it will not change how you feel and you're not going to let her response get under your skin.
Another example:
This most often manifests with decisions we make about raising my kids. When my oldest was born, she was extremely critical about my mothering skills. If the baby was crying, she had many reasons for his crying that largely seemed to be self serving (saying he was cold if she was in fact cold, etc). If my son didn't want to go to bed and we walked back to his room and he was crying about it, my mom acted like we were abusing him... .even if he was in my arms and I was comforting him and no reasonable person could ever construe the situation that way. But at the same time, if she is "in charge" of him, she acts like any tantrum is the result of being too indulgent. I'm not doing a good job explaining this, but she seems to operate in these extremes. We are either abusive authoritarians or irresponsibly permissive.
I don't have children so take my suggestions with a grain of salt. If it were me and my mother was extremely critical about my mothering skills, I'd look her in the eye and assertively tell her "If you say one more thing about how I am raising my son, leave my house right now and don't come back, is that clear?" Oh my gosh, saying the baby is cold because she is cold--yup that's very BPD behavior. I wonder if she acted like you were abusing him, because of whatever guilt she has toward abusing you.
Don't put her in charge of him. Save him from the trauma of having a BPD grandmother. I apologize, I am feeling a bit triggered replying to this, because I can completely see my mother doing this: "We are either abusive authoritarians or irresponsibly permissive." People with BPD are black and white to the extreme.
Now I'm going to write something my husband would suggest: "Think of a response and say that exact response over and over, in a calm voice". Something like, no matter what she says or does, just keep repeating the same thing, something like, "I'm sorry you don't like how I'm raising my son". Be like a robot in response. She'll hate it and it'll make her try to push your buttons more, but eventually she'll get the message that she cannot get to you.
Another example where this converges with her food issues
I always attributed her confusing attitude towards food to a lifetime of poverty. But now I wonder if this is more BPD. If we buy something she likes, she will eat it in a shockingly short amount of time (like, a gallon of ice cream in a day). She will then blame us for her behavior or say she had to eat it all because her husband who lives across the country wanted her to (I've never understood that claim but it is common). So, she says please stop buying it and so I stop. A few weeks will pass and then she says how her husband's kids buy him ice cream and how they are good at making him feel important like that. So I buy the ice cream again, and the whole cycle repeats. It's exhausting.
My BPD mother and grandmother had a lot of issues with food. She is projecting here. She likely cannot control herself around something like ice cream, and instead of sitting with the guilt she feels for being out of control, she blames you or her husband for being out of control with the ice cream. If you want to avoid this, buy her one small cup of ice cream and bring it home. Don't buy her a gallon anymore. Or just let it go. If she wants to blame you, just let her anger bounce off of you like water on a duck (a former therapist used to say that). I know it's not easy to do, but practice. Don't let your emotions get in the way. Keep reminding yourself that you cannot talk logical sense to an illogical person. Do not let this mind f*ck of illogical get into your head. Focus on yourself, your husband, your baby and your lives. Your mother is like a drowning person who will bring you down with her if you try to save her. Swim away and pray she saves herself.
I just read further into the paragraph about how you stop buying her ice cream because she asked you to but then she complains that her husband's kids buy her ice cream. She is acting like a 4 year old trying to gain sympathy and attention from you. She is loving making you sweat. She's changing the rules to mess with your head. Do not let her win. This sounds like how my grandmother treated my mother and my mother is bat sh*t crazy because of it. I spent my childhood listening to my mother (and father) raging about my grandmother doing these same exact sort of things. Don't let her get into your head. Don't be cold, but be kind and distant. Know that no matter what you do for her, buy for her, say to her, you will never ever win. She has the rules to the game and will never let you get a hold of them.
The most frustrating thing about this disorder is that any one of these things in isolation just sounds like a quirk and I feel silly even citing them as frustrating. But it's taking them all together and it is the day in / day out nature of it that is so, so exhausting. Since my mom is so inwardly focused, I also feel like it is difficult for others to see it. I feel like people need to witness a few cycles of it to truly understand this disorder.
Do you see a therapist? I'd suggest professional help before your son gets old enough to allow her to manipulate him against you and your husband. I do not know how therapists teach children to understand that "grandma is sick and is trying to cause trouble between you and your parents and wants you to feel sorry for her", but I'm sure they know what to do.
Oh gosh no it's not a quirk. This is definitely BPD behavior. If you try to discuss with friends, I'm sure they'll give you some sort of well-meaning answer or guilt you into being a better daughter. Don't discuss with friends. Discuss on here or in therapy with a someone who understands personality disorders.
People will not witness her behavior because she will likely act like a charming angel around anyone but you and your husband. My grandmother was great at that and it drove my parents insane. Do not think "once so and so sees in person what my mother is like, they will understand." People with BPD are amazing actors. Sometimes I wished someone would videotape my parents for how they act in public so I can prove "YOU SEE! I'M NOT THE CRAZY ONE HERE, THEY ARE!" but I know then people will just say "Oh they're old, it's okay." Or, they fake it really really well in public. I once had a friend meet them for lunch and she said "What a nice sweet [name of religion] couple they are!" I was speechless. Anyway the validation has to come from within. TRUST yourself and what you're seeing. You're not crazy.
I just want to catalogue every weird interaction and ask someone to validate how bizarre they all are, but when I try to put it in words, it is hard to truly explain why it is so harmful or confusing.
If you do this, just list it. Don't get lost in the drama or emotions of it, but keep it in a very very very safe place, like the car. Because BPD people are nosey and won't stop at going through your stuff when you're not home. Yes it is hard to put into words because it's ILLOGICAL. We can't make logical sense out of illogical behavior. My dear marriage counselor taught me that, and he also validated a lot for me about my parents.
There is no reason you have to explain why it is harmful or confusing. It just IS and let that just BE.
Does anyone else feel this way?
YES. You are not alone. And you're feelings are not wrong. This is not your fault, and you're not a bad person. But you will not be able to change her or ever please her so please stop trying and go live your life. We only get one.
