I came late last night and he is mad at me for sleeping.

[misuniadziubek]

My house is currently on sale and Saturday afternoon was the open house. My bedroom is prepared by making everything pristine and organising the bedding so that it looks straight out of a home catalogue. Once I finish preparing it, sleeping on it is not an option.

Was supposed to drive to his place for 12 midnight but he had me go get an 80$ part for his phone that broke on top of an already exhausting day of work and errands. Something he couldn't get online and his phone is selling 500$ used. I didn't mind helping him out but when I came home at 8, I was dead. And so I passed out for 1.5 hrs. I woke up just before 10pm and started on cleaning up and fixing the bed and cleaning the upstairs for tomorrow. By the time I was done, and showered it was 12.

He had been sleeping meanwhile and didn't care I was gonna be later but was mad I didn't write him a message at 10. Fair enough. Said I might as well not bother coming up.

Uh okay. Well the house is pristine and I have no where to sleep. I don't sleep on that bed once I've made it to that level and redoing it first thing is the least fun thing in the world. I thought. He'll change his mind in an hour or two and I'll do the laundry in the meanwhile. So I left about 1:30. Then I went to Walmart and hung out for a bit. I ended up cleaning my car and he said he'd be home by 4am. Cool.

He came home at 4'30.


Productive weekend. I fell asleep 5, woke up at 1. He's angry. He won't let me touch him. Refuses to talk to me or argue. Said he's leaving. I'm like... .Then I'll go with you. ":)o whatever you want".

I'm like yeah. Then I'll go with you.

He's like.  I thought you were tired.

I'm like... what you mean? I slept from 5-1. That's plenty.

Hes like. I'm not getting into this. Just stop.

Okey so my assumption here is that he thinks I came home at 8 and slept till 12 and then came up and decided to sleep 8 more hours... .Out of spite? But rather not get the actual story because he's angry. I tried to touch him and he slapped my hand away. Not hard but in a don't fuging touch me when I'm angry way.

I started to fall into a flashback at that moment and felt my throat start to close up in panic . I have a history of assault and horrible abandonment, but I successfully tuned in and grounded myself into the present moment by identifying my feelings. Score.

But now I'm here. In the car. While he's left me to go inside and do something on his laptop being moody and cold towards me. I texted him, asking if he wants me to join him. ':)o what ever the fug you want'

Sigh.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[halcyon]

I gather from what you're saying that he is currently in the "push" mode of push/pull.  I have struggled with that too. 

Sidenote:  The first time I ever witnessed my partner scream out "I'm DONE!" and stomp away from me in anger, it's end result was her having a pseudo-seizure on the sidewalk.  That was when we began to discover her PTSD and BPD (and DID).  So, when my partner yells "I'm DONE!" and starts to stomp away from me now, it's a trigger for me.  I immediately flashback to that seizure and get scared she's going to have another one.

But she hasn't had another one since she began treatment and DBT classes (sidenote #2)

I can only tell you what works for me, and suggest you learn what works for YOU

The first thing I do when she begins to "push" me away is ask her when I can expect to see her again.  This is a reasonable request that you can make.  Whether they answer is up to them, but it's reasonable to ask.  Try not to sound frustrated; try to remain calm yourself, and ask it as gently as you can:  "Okay, that's fine.  I understand needing space.  When can I expect to see you later so we can resolve this?"  Being non-judgemental and understanding validates the emotion they are experiencing, and at the same time doesn't require you to agree or disagree with whatever behavior they are exhibiting. 

If she seems receptive to that question, then I next REASSURE her that I am here for her to talk to when she feels calmer.  It is my understanding that even when BPD's are raging at us or being cold to us, they are still harboring a deep fear of abandonment.  And I can say for certain that my partner has reported to me several times that this step of reassurance has helped her TO calm down when she is in "push" mode.  I just say, "Okay, that sounds good.  I promise I will be there to talk this out.  I LOVE you and am always here to support you in any way I am able."

A couple of times, that step alone ended her "push" mode in an instant.  As soon as I said those things, she turned right back around and hugged me so tight I couldn't breathe (and started sobbing). 

But... .other times she just screamed back, "I have NO idea.  I just know I need to be AWAY from you!"

So what have I done in THOSE times that has worked?

Well, first I have to step back and try to see this from a "third perspective", i.e. not MY perspective and not my partner's.  I usually imagine how a non-bias friend would see things.  (Sometimes, if one is available, I even call a non-bias friend to get their perspective).  This helps me have empathy for both myself AND my partner as individuals.  Which leads me to... .

Next I VALIDATE my own emotions.  My partner not only just screamed at me, she also triggered my own anxiety.  So of course I'm going to feel anxious, maybe even angry or resentful.  These are all natural emotions to have in the circumstances, so I have to tell myself it's "okay" to have them.  It doesn't make me a bad partner or a bad person.  It just makes me human.

Next I do the same for her emotions.  I see them clearly and accept them for what they are; leftover hurt and fear from past trauma.  They, in fact, have nothing to do with me personally.  She had that hurt and fear long before she even met me.  I can validate that and accept it as REAL for her.

Then, I simply do the best I can to distract myself with self-soothing techniques (until that established time when my partner and I are going to meet up to resolve the issue at hand).  I go for a walk, take a bath, read a book, or go visit a friend.  Since I have anxiety, I also have other tools at my disposal:  like breathing techniques and pro and con lists.

And, finally, when we DO meet up again to talk, I try to just LISTEN.  Observe.  Make no judgements.  I try to stay open-minded while she's speaking and push my own agendas and emotions aside for a minute.  We make sure all the t.v.s and phones are OFF, so that our full attention is on the conversation.  And I try to do with her what I did by myself earlier:  I validate her emotions; tell her it's okay to be frustrated and even angry.  It's just not okay to let those emotions boil over to the point where they cross my own boundaries.

So... .maybe ask yourself:  what ARE your boundaries?  That was where everything started for me.  The very first question I had to ask myself on this journey.  Maybe it will help you too.

[smart_storm26]

You are making some mistakes. Let me clarify.

You are thinking too much about him and too little about yourself. Bring the focus to yourself for some time.

It's ok to be tired after a hectic day :-) You expect your partner to understand but sometimes BPD people don't understand such simple things yea? Well you are not totally helpless. There is something you can do, something very simple in fact


When he is angry and wont let you touch him, just politely tell him

'You are just thinking about yourself. You are not thinking about me, how tired I have been. Anyways, I will talk to you again when you feel better'

Note that he might start an episode here. Just tell him politely that 'You will talk to him only when he calms down and feels better, not before that'

He said he's leaving?

Your response: 'Sad to hear that but feel free to come back if you change your mind' You are doing something very important here. You are giving him the correct pointers on how he should really behave. He will be shocked by your response but he will be forced to rethink his stance. He has to because he has no option. Remember, BPD people are scared of being left alone and so his threats of leaving you are actually empty and you have been falling for it.

Okay anyways lets proceed

Now say in response to your previous statement he says something like

'No I am never coming back and I am never going to change my mind'

How do you respond to this?

Say Nothing. Yup Nothing. Just shut your mouth and wait. He will in sometime be running back to you weeping and apologizing. Then hug him and accept his 'I am sorry' kisses and kiss him back.

This is called 'Setting boundaries'. By doing this one single thing you actually do 2 things. One, you bring back your sanity. Second, you start teaching your BPD partner on which behavior is acceptable and which is not. It works. Trust me

If you do not set boundaries and always give in to his game that what incentive does he see for changing his behavior? Understood?

[misuniadziubek]

Turns out that his phone sim card wasn't working because he put his card into a phone that he was trying to buy off Craigslist but the moment he saw it was blacklisted he took it out and didn't buy it. Unfortunately, that lead to his number being blacklisted so he had to resolve that. He explained he wasn't really mad with me at all, just frustrated and trying to avoid me so that he wouldn't take it out on me.

I think it helps that I self validate like I did when he angrily told me not to touch him. It's great progress.

The coming up part... he messaged me after an hour to tell me how frustrating it was for him to tell me something I did that bothers him and for me to JADE.


When he told me in the first moment, don't bother coming up, I answered with okay. I knew he'd come back when he was ready and attempt to communicate better and that's what he did
I validated that and things are okay between us.

All in all,I'm pretty happy with the boundaries I've set with him. I'm less reactive, but with the PTSD, it's hard to keep myself from falling down the rabbit hole at times.


I've been on this journey four years now. Things are more functional than they've ever been and I've gone from needing to vent nearly every day to maybe once a month.

The last time he had a real meltdown was last September.

[isilme]

A lot of the time you will find the actual cause of frustration is not us but some external factor.  We are just a convenient target to vent upon - I don't think they can work through emotions without expelling them at their SOs. 

Sleep - for H, my sleeping if he is not is a form of abandonment.  I can take comfort from him being beside me asleep.  He can't do that.  I need to be awake, even if it's just to stare a the same screen with him (TV, iPad, movie, game, whatever).  Reading a book can also trigger abandonment feelings. 

I agree - don't chase when being pushed.  Just state that you accept that they are in a foul mood and you both need space from that - talk to you when you're able to be less angry.  H actually has started telling me that attempts to "solve" his mood or "fix" the problem trigger him as me trying to start a fight.