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Author Topic: Newly married  (Read 486 times)
Lsyt

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« on: June 03, 2017, 10:03:55 PM »

I am newly married. He was severely abused as a child. I want to help him and me. he doent get along with my oldest daughter. She is 17 and very opininated. He takes everything she says and does as disrespect and holds me responsible for not disciplining her. I do call her on it when she says something out of line but for the most part she is just expressing her opinion that happens to be counter to his. I'm in the middle all the time and he is increasingly angry that I am not doing something about it. One of his daughters no longer talks to him for 7 years. He blames his ex but he is very cruel when he is upset or angry. I don't know what actually happened. But I feel alone when he decides to be angry for days at a time
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This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

DaddyBear77
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced
Posts: 625



« Reply #1 on: June 12, 2017, 01:24:14 PM »

Hi Lsyt - thank you for posting, and welcome to the bpdfamily

I'm really sorry to hear how hard things are right now. My daughter is a lot younger than yours, but I can understand the feeling of being stuck in the middle. It sounds like you've discovered that your husband may have traits of BPD. There are a lot of resources here that can help you understand what that means in terms of living inside the romantic relationship yourself AND in terms of co-parenting with someone who has traits of BPD.

You posted here on the "Saving a Relationship" board - can you tell us a little bit more about the kinds of things going on between you and your pwBPD (person with BPD)? Are the biggest issues those surrounding raising your children? Or are there other big issues that need to be addressed?

In the mean time, I hope you've taken a look at the tools we list out on the right hand side, including the article about Understanding your partner's behaviors

Please keep posting and I look forward to reading more soon.

~DaddyBear77
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Give me strength

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 5



« Reply #2 on: June 12, 2017, 03:15:24 PM »

Hi Lsyt,
I have 2 sons with my BPD husband of 23 years. Both are teenagers and therefore have opinions. My husband also sees any difference of opinion as disrespect and blames me for not supporting him (aka not agreeing with his opinion or trying to see both sides). I am always in the middle as well. Recently I have been leaving the room if this happens so that he and the boys can discuss it alone. If the discussion becomes heated or he starts to rage then I tell him we can talk about it once he has calmed down and I leave the house if I have to. Later on, once he is calm, I can then go over the discussion and the fact that I wasn't in the room prevents him from being able to blame me. This also prevents the silent treatment that I used to receive for days following a disagreement. The more I have done this the more clear it has become to him that he was reacting poorly. Also following these incidences I ask him if he feels that his reaction was reasonable and how he would have felt if someone reacted that way to him - this seems to help him to see things more clearly. The thing that I find interesting/frustrating/hard to deal with, is that if anyone were to treat him the way that he treats us in these times, he would be so highly offended and talk about it for days. Lately I have been trying to use these incidences as examples. If he comes home and tells me that someone at work or wherever treated him poorly then the next time he treats us the same way I can say "remember when so and so treated you this way and how you felt?" It is slowly starting to penetrate. The biggest thing in our household was having him told by a therapist that he has BPD, having him admit that he does, reminding him that if he does the work he can potentially be cured of it and telling him that I love him and do not plan on leaving him - that he has a mental condition and I am here to work with him on it but that there are also boundaries that should never be crossed.
I believe this is a life's work. I believe that my husband has great potential for change since I have already seen this in him. I believe that we cannot allow our children to feel at fault for the BPD's reaction and they must know that it is not appropriate. I believe you must have an outlet for your feelings - in my case, other than this group, I do not have anyone I can talk to about what really goes on in my house so I keep a BPD journal. In my journal I write about his behaviour and how it is inappropriate but I also write about what I can do to be more gentle and consistent in my communication with him. It has been a great help to me. It is a daily challenge but keeping track of successes as well as failures will help you to know if progress is being made (in my opinion and experience). The main thing for me is knowing how desperately he wants to do better - he suffered this treatment from his family members and he does not want to pass it on to his children. It is not easy! I try to imagine what I would do if my husband had a disease where I had to clean up vomit or diarrhea from him all the time - it would be tiresome and unpeleasant but I would do it because he was ill. With BPD I have decided I will help him as best I can because I have seen progress, but also help myself. I hope you can find some comfort here.
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Lsyt

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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 4


« Reply #3 on: June 29, 2017, 05:32:39 AM »

Thank you for sharing. The journal is a good idea. I feel really alone with this. I don't want my family to know and I don't want anyone to tell me I should leave him. He turned again tonight so suddenly.  He is so obsessed that he is not being respected. I helped the girls unplug their toilet after they tried all night. He had told me to make them do it. Now we don't have his back because I went in and helped. Nothing is rational and everything I say is just lying or making excuses to him. They are not his girls and he feels left out and wants me to parent his way. But one of his daughters doesn't even talk to him. I can't throw my daughters under the bus for him every time he gets frustrated. My older daughter already apologized to him 3 times just because she knows I love him and wants me to be happy. I don't want to lose him but when he switches into hate mode I feel like I'm losing my mind.
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