Find myself ruminating over her. Any tricks on how to think about other things?

[Emotions]

It's been about two weeks for me, and I still find myself ruminating over her. Any tricks on how to think about other things? When do it start to feel "normalish" again?

[talking rose]

Today marks 5 weeks for me since the start of my separation.  I would say the first three weeks were torturous.  I would swing between being relieved that it's finally over, to feeling overwhelming sadness and nostalgia over the good times, and constantly fighting the desire to call and tell him how I feel.  I caved and called twice and poured my heart out, feeling even worse afterwards.  By the forth week, I wasn't fighting the urge to call anymore, even though I still felt sadness and would cry at least once a day.  Now, I can't say I feel great yet, but I am no longer thinking about him and the good times and the way it could have been if only... .  and instead I find myself feeling more relief and peace.  It really takes time away and distance emotionally to be able to see things for what they really were.  It is hard to see clearly while being enmeshed with a borderline.

So I would say about 5 weeks till it starts getting better.  Hang in there.

[Emotions]

Thanks, so she left it with the door ajar, thus I don't have closure yet... .she said I'm not giving up on us, I love you but we'll see where life takes us... .I'm thinking about contacting her so that I can get full closure, or remember the crazy making I felt... .I doubt she will say I miss you and regret saying this, so I'm wondering if I should sabotage the friendship with a full closure so I can forget about possibly being with her in the future? As of now I still hope the new relationship doesn't work and that she will remember my and her love. However she met me and got attached pretty quickly, what makes me think she can't do this time and time again. Thanks

[roberto516]

Yeah tips are very helpful right now. In 4 hours it will be 11 days NC. It might be the longest I have ever gone. The dog we bought together which is now mine I had to take to the vet for an injury today. I thought I should send her an e-mail to keep her in the loop but I quickly backtracked. She obviously doesn't care about the dog, and I'm starting to value my days NC more than ever speaking to her again. I guess this is progress.

But the thoughts are almost non-stop. I wanted to cry yesterday because I couldn't stop thinking about her. But not in a fond way really. Some times it was. But most of it was anger. I know eventually my brain is going to get tired of this, and just stop. Until then I have to keep redirecting myself like I'm a dog on a leash that is jumping around which  I have to bring back to a sitting position.

[Huh?]

I broke up with her, setting a boundary because I was exhausted from the one sided effort to keep our relationship going.  She was apathetic.

10 months of silent treatment from her, 7 months of NC on my end... .I still think about her when I get up in the morning, driving to work, while I'm working, on the way home from work, while Im home resting... .and I often dream of her... .I did again last night... .she was with my replacement.

I have no official confirmation she has replaced me... .but According to her social media she is out having the time of her life.  I finally blocked her on facebook last night... .it was incredibly difficult for me... .finally admitting I have to let go to heal.

It's hard because I got a new job in the neighborhood we shared our first place together and I drive by it everyday.  We both didn't have much money at the time... .it was the happiest time for me.  Once she got a promotion and raise... .our relationship went downhill as expectations on her end went up. 

Anyways, I'm pretty sure I have OCPD... .I check most all the boxes... .pretty much the reason I am so successful in my career as a craftsman... .but it's hard to let go of failed relationships likewise.

[Emotions]

Day 7 for me... .I guess that it is just emotions I am going through when I want to contact her, it's not reality. She knows how I feel, and if she felt the same way she would call me up and tell me. Truth is, she is not feeling the same way. Boo hoo for me. I called my uncle and he gave me the truth sandwich. I am also going through anger as opposed to depression or denial or acceptance. Still some bargaining with wanting to reach out to her. I think you guys will get this, but my friends and mom don't today. That is I am looking forward to a couple months from now. I will start to feel better hopefully, and the perfect relationship she is in now will start to show flaws... .until then I am working on my happiness or acceptance CONSTANTLY which is tiring and they are in the "perfect" easy part of the relationship. I want a shot of redemption, and I look forward to when the tables turn a little in my favor. I don't wish them harm, just imperfections

[roberto516]

This just came to me which might help all of us. People think that who we are is defined by our thoughts. For example, if you have a block of marble it is assumed that the chisel which makes something out of that is our thoughts. But it's not true. It's actually our behaviors. So if we stay NC it is a changed behavior. The thoughts will follow the behavior. Like just now, I had a pretty busy day, and had no desire to work out. Well that wasn't gonna work for me so I forced myself to work out, and I feel proud of myself for doing it. That's a changed behavior. Eventually our minds will follow.

Also, for anyone interested, I used to read a lot of stoicism. I have a real tiny book by Epictetus on his sayings, and musings. Before I met her I was dedicated to that lifestyle mixed with a lot of nihilism. Then I fell in love... .I'm trying to get back there. Whenver I have a doubt or a thought I try (try is the key word) to remind myself it's out of my control. Maybe because I used to live my life by that creed it makes me feel better a little easier. But I would suggest it. Because it's all true. I hope to live that lifestyle again. It may mean I'm single forever (our society isn't fond of stoic ideas... .especially exe's I had) but it will give me peace of mind in a life that tries to deprive that from you.

Just thought I'd share. It all came to me just now.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Emotions,

I am 3 months into NC.  Trust me, it gets easier.  Having been a smoker in the past whenever I quit I'd have markers in 3's.  3 hours, 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years.  Funnily enough, I feel like 3 weeks was when I started to think 'wow, I feel so much more relaxed, less tense and anxious.  I'm not crying as often... .' At 3 months I can say that I'm beginning to feel more my old self, able to function better and pretty much to go about a normal day without him being my every waking thought.  Some days are easier than others and of course there are still moments that it all hits me hard, but I think the fact it isn't constant now is a good sign indeed.  I really believe I can do this.  I know I've still a long way to go but I've gotten this far... .and am definitely feeling the benefits of it.  Things I'd wanted to pursue are in the pipeline.  I have support in place from everywhere I could find it.  Am taking advantage of every opportunity that comes my way now that I no longer have a reason/excuse not to.  It's like the fog has lifted.  He has made attempts to reach out which I've ignored and every time I do this it gets easier.  I no longer care about his lame attempts to elicit sympathy with his woe is me stories as I see them for what they are.  I know the truth and I know enough about the condition to fully understand what his motives and drives are.  I don't hate him.  I don't hate his new rescuer.  I don't hate myself.  I feel a sense of peace and finally some degree of ease in myself.

Keep going.  It is worth it.  My best tip is to LIVE your life and do what it takes to make it the way you want it to be without bringing the ex's needs and wants into it - just your own.  Give yourself the love and devotion you were giving to the ex.
 Allow the feelings to happen, acknowledge them with an attitude of kindness and compassion towards yourself and remember that thoughts are not facts.  When you get a thought about what the ex is doing, thinking, might say or do if you reach out, etc. just observe it and don't jump on board.  Treat that thought with the same importance as the thought about what to have for breakfast.  Any re engagement is opening a wound that has started to slowly heal and means it must begin again from scratch.  Stay strong. 

Love and light x

[Emotions]

THANK YOU SO MUCH! I will take to heart what you all have said, especially the last couple posts. It's nice to hear strength and some resolve. I will keep on pushing and I am so excited to get closer to the end of this tunnel. I see a little light thanks to you guys and others I have reached out too. Peace

[once removed]

looking back it feels like all i did for months on end was ruminate.

ruminating is not inherently bad. its a reaction to trauma, and your psyche trying to make sense of things. think of a movie, like say, the sixth sense, with a major plot twist you werent expecting. youre dumbfounded when it ends, and begin replaying things in your head, trying to add up what you missed. you may replay the movie, once, twice, more times, spotting new things each time and adding them up.

and that can be productive to a point. i put a lot of my endless ruminations on paper. it would look nonsensical today, but i was working something out, so to speak.

having said all of that, ruminations can obviously interfere with our sense of well being, and even inhibit functioning. one trick of the trade members have found benefit from is setting limits on their ruminations; setting aside a certain time of the day to do so, constructively and productively. this takes some practice.

additionally, we have a great workshop here where members share their tricks of the trade, and tools to manage and limit ruminations: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Emotions, Two weeks is a relatively short time, so I suggest you cut yourself some slack.  In the meantime, I'll make a few suggestions, based on the assumption that you have reached a point of unproductive ruminating, as once removed describes.  The first step, in my view, is to acknowledge when you are ruminating (you seem to be doing this already), by observing your thoughts objectively and saying something to yourself along the lines of, "Wow, I'm obsessing."  Then you tell your mind internally or even out loud to "delete" or "cancel" the ruminations.  Then you consciously shift your thoughts to something positive in your life.  I know this sounds sort of mechanical, but there is something behind it.  We are not our thoughts!  You have more power over your mind than you might think.

LuckyJim

[Emotions]

i just read the thread once removed posted, i even printed it out so i can read it on paper... .LJ you have given me this advice when i first posted, and it helps... .i have hit delete so many times by now im getting carpal tunnel syndrome you know whos face pops up in my head when i hit delete? Bob Marley... .not sure why, but his face gives me peace of mind... .thanks for caring and posting guys... .

[StayStrongNow]

There are no tricks. It is different for everyone. You are definitely normal with your feelings, I am reasonably assured that many if not all of us nons feel or felt the same way.

There is something about those pwBPD, everyone is different. My uxBPDw had such a bubbly and magnetic personality when she had her BPD mask on.

No there is no trick, time will eventually come to make a change on you. Some will take longer than others but in the end the change will come when you stop concerning yourself with the pwBPD and start focusing on you and your own life.