What did you mean about your internal emotional response, boundaries, and getting fairly upset? Upset in what way?
Well this person is someone who does everything on their terms, doesnt meet in the middle. Literally. She lives across town and sends endless invites to come see her where she is at, but doesnt respond to my invitations to meet in the middle or occasionally come to my end of town and essentially my world. So I have been distancing myself from her socially/emotionally as well. The airport in our city is centrally located and easily accessible, the train runs practically from the terminal to her doorstep. If not there are 2 phone apps that come to mind for a ride home, as well as shuttles, taxis... .Take your pick. I just feel the bid for being picked up is offensive given that she is not participating in my life and interrupting me during my work hours is even more disrespectful.
BUT getting upset about it is maybe somewhat overreacting. So I feel like I responded the right way outwardly, but not on the inside. Im
acting wiseminded, but Im
not feeling wiseminded... ? Or am I even acting wiseminded?
Thats ok with her because she doesnt know. She just sees the response (or lack of) and gets the underlying message. She is not a key player in my life. But this makes me think of other relationships, especially with pwBPD and how feelings usually read through your words and actions. So if I act calm or pretend to be calm but am really upset, how does that play out with my pwBPD?
You were probably more interested in what I feel though... .
Her question was ":)o you want to pick me up at the airport tonight?" And my honest answer to that question is simply "No I dont want to pick you up at the airport tonight or any other night". A) Im just not interested in playing that role in her life, B) I dont believe she would be there for me in the same manner, C) I dont need airport pick ups, Im fine with public transportation. However I did not feel comfortable answering the question honestly as Im sure that would create a conflict and I hate confrontations. I especially hate them when I am losing interest in a person, most likely because I feel guilty.
This person has many PD traits btw... .
I dont have a specific profile but possibly NPD with some B thrown in.
I think that when most of us dig deep, we find that our family of origin has some part to play (usually a big one) in our romantic relationships and the partners we choose. It may help us understand your situation better and help you process if you write about it.
Raised by a single mother in my grandparents house (me and mom lived in the basement apartment). Absent father until later age. He first saw me when I was 2, met my half sister 18 months older when I was 5. Dad entered my life fully when I was 8. Dad went to rehab when I was 10. Tried to become a regular dad but it was too late so he made a lot of mistakes in his approach with me. Had 3 more half siblings, all on his side. Adore them, spent a lot of time with them. Dad was a born again AA man, seriously annoyingly preachy and fanatic about a lot of things. Btw this is a comment on my father, not AA. Nothing wrong with the program. About 10-15 years ago he was dx'd with ADD and has been trying to get me on Ritalin ever since. He left AA by then and started occasionally enjoying wine but very responsibly. I have a very spotty r/s with him, we have had big fall outs but we usually reconnect and it can be a very supportive r/s. Because of the absence in childhood its usually a bit formal, not very affectionate but respectful and somewhat warm. We bond mostly over intellectual things. Though he has given me some of the best r/s advice Ive ever received.
My other father figure was my grandfather. Complete opposite r/s because more emotional. He was the kind of person who couldnt see anyone in trouble, he had to help. He was a very heavy alcoholic that hid bottles around the house, angry. But he supported his family completely, never flaked or left. I possibly see BPD in there now but its been 2 decades since he passed so hard to define. I had a special connection with him. I completely worshipped the ground he walked on as a small child. When I got older I somehow stayed emotionally connected with him even when he was drunk and angry. I became his translator, when my grandmother and my mother were shocked and angry at him for his speech I often became the peacemaker as he was genuinely clumsy with words and I usually understood the meaning behind it which was most often much more benign than what it sounded like.
Mom worked a lot. Never had an official boyfriend. Never got married or cohabited. We moved from my grandparents house when I was 15. I was cooking for myself when I was 11 yo. I was smoking in the house and drinking wine and beer in the house when I was about 15-16. Not drunk but acting like a full on adult making fancy dinners and having wine with it. Mom used to come home and complain about work to me. I then moved out and into a place with my Schizophrenic boyfriend and other friends when I was 16 because I just didnt think I needed to stay home, I was always alone. Mom got me to move back a few months and from thereon I was an adult in my house. Eventually she started treating me like a spouse. My unwillingness to talk about my r/s with my mother got me kicked out of therapy when I was 18. I was working full time and paying for my own T... .
I moved to the US in my early 20's after grandfathers passing from cancer, my ex boyfriends suicide and myself going through severe depression. I was alone but had close friends here that helped me. A few years later my mother followed and my life continued to revolve around her. Still does but for the past month a LOT less. I came here as a student but got a permanent resident status and havent looked back since. Well except when I go through b/u's then I always think Im gonna move back to Europe but then I dont.
So, are you saying that you think that having "the talk" will result in some change within him?
Well... .We talked a lot last night. Im pathetic, after everything I said yesterday I ended up staying over. He said he was fried last Friday from a particularly bad work week. He didnt apologize, he justified. He doesnt apologize anymore. But we overall had a good talk. Got in a circular argument about my adhd. He keeps steering the topic to mental health. I think he wants me to say something about him, he knows I think he has BPD. Im very afraid to open that can of worms. But mentally preparing myself. I ended the argument by just stopping, it seemed pretty straightforward to do.
I got a point through to him that Im very happy about. I told him that at the core of me being upset about his accusations of getting with my roommate (and essentially cheating) is that the behavior he is projecting on me deeply goes against my personal values. That he was so busy making assumptions about me that he was missing out on getting to know me and what I stand for. He mirrored what I said back a bit later so I know he was truly listening. I woke up feeling good about things because of that.
I should add that before this I validated that the situation, me having a man move in with me on very short notice whom neither of us knew, was very stressful for both of us. I also asked him to give my new roommate a chance, spend some time over at my house and get to know her after she moves in. He agreed.
I cannot speak for you friend, but I can tell you, as someone who has attempted suicide, at that point, when you've completely given up and the pain is great with no way to see anything else, there's not a whole lot that anyone can say or do. I'm guessing that you already know this, but it's entirely possible that your staying would have changed nothing in his world.
Sorry Meili, I remember now reading that part of your history and had forgotten
Well the back story was a love triangle. A woman was trying to win him and I let her. I walked. They ended up having a kid, but by then he was so obviously in a really bad state and I was mad at her for adding this responsibility and stress to his life when I thought it was so obvious that he couldnt handle it. He ended his life when his little girl was just a few months old. I dont know if he had been considering it for a while but I know he attacked the mother of his child and as he was a really gentle person who I would never have imagined hurting anyone, in my mind he couldnt live with it. But I wasnt around then so I dont know the full story. I just remember him crying when I said to him on the phone that I had met someone else (we had been apart for months), that was many years before all this. They didnt officially become a couple until 2 years after we parted. I feel like I drove him to her somehow. But you are right its not a given that he would have survived his illness and even so, as he became violent that was not a good life for him.
