Bam Straight back in my head.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi all,

So part of my story I've not really elaborated on is the pure number of times my exBPDbf would threaten or actually attempt suicide but then disappear to avoid being helped by paramedics or police.  He so frequently gave cause for there to be police at my home interviewing me, calling by to check if he was here, searching the property because he was reported missing, trying to track him down so an ambulance could attend that I swear I must know the majority of the GMP force by now.  In fact, when The Force Manchester is on TV I often think 'wow, you've been sat in my kitchen' when I see officers I know.  Between the disappearances, multiple escapes in a number of hours from A&E whilst refusing treatment for overdoses, serious self harm wounds etc. and then later in the relationship the domestic violence calls, I really had hoped that after we have been NC for 3 months it might be all over. 

A couple of weeks ago I had some late at night calls from a withheld number.  I don't answer these.  No messages were left and I went to bed.  The following morning I found a voicemail on my landline from Northwest ambulance service for him to ring them immediately on 999.  That's when I realised he'd left me as his next of kin and figured it was another escapade he'd been on.  Solved that by getting myself removed from the system by the police (who confirmed they'd been involved and he was safe) and really believed I'd have absolutely no more awareness of his dramas.  In his last attempt to reach me, a couple of days later, he mentioned he still overdoses.  Yeah, I'd figured that out!  This had always been his last form of manipulation when all else failed. 

I was literally just sitting at this board and catching up on a couple of threads when I got a knock on my front door.  At 11pm!  Must admit I panicked as first thought was oh God could it be him?  Would have to be a crazy person to knock on the door at this time.  Checking through the window I see two smiley friendly and unfortunately familiar faces in uniform and see the flashing lights outside. Hell!  What now?  They apologised and said they were just checking if xxxx was here, as they remember coming here when looking for him before.  I explained we're not together any more and told them of the NC, that the last time I saw him was over a week ago and he walked past me.  That's the only time I've seen him in months.  Sorry I couldn't help, that I know what they go through with him and wouldn't wish it on them.  I wished them luck and they left to continue their search. 

Now I'm here and my head is just a mess.  I'm not worried.  I'm MAD at him for being able to keep bloody well popping up just when I am doing so well.  This sets me back.  Also a bit nervous... .in case he actually DID pop up if he's on the run ... .though I'm certain he wouldn't come here and I told the police that.  Who knows what he's doing or thinking though... . 

He is not my responsibility any more.  I don't want to be thinking about what he is doing AT ALL.  And I wasn't sitting here with him at the front of my mind, but now I am.  So yes, I am peed off and frustrated and absolutely definitely repressing some genuine concern, whilst filled with cynicism at his multitude of performances like this - yet at the same time knowing as I always did that there could be a time he actually succeeds and then I'd be devastated for thinking he was crying wolf again.  I mean this man has survived so many massive overdoses his stomach must be made of lead to still keep functioning.  Now I'm babbling.  And that is what this does to me.  I want him out of my life for good.  I don't want to KNOW any more about any of this sh1t so that it doesn't have to affect me like this ever again.  My nerves cannot take it. 

In my head I finish this post with a ton of expletives. 

Instead I'll say Love and light x

[roberto516]

I don't know what I'd do if I got that knock at the door. I'd feel exactly like you do. Probably really angry that she was bringing me back into her life. I won't lie. I threatened to hurt myself a few weeks after the discard. Not my proudest moment.

Anyway, it's alright to ramble here. I would look at this as a great test for you right now. Much easier said than done. What has been working for you as a way to detach? Because you seem to be making amazing progress as I follow your posts. If you could do some self-soothing, continue to process the emotions in a non-judgmental way.

I really wish I could help more as you have helped me. But there's nothing wrong with letting the expletive filled rant go. I will open a document, and just start typing away all of the mean things she did to me, and what i think of her in that moment. It usually helps me release the tension a little bit. Then I can come back and read it when I'm calmer, and just kind of take it all in.

I'm really glad you aren't reacting though. It shows amazing insight, and willpower. You really are an inspiration of where I want to be as I continue on my journey.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi roberto,

Thanks for your reply.  I was inspiring myself a bit until I just fell to bits   Still, only human I guess.  I am not brilliant at being kind to myself and accepting that I will still wobble.  Suppose I'm so intent on being strong I feel I fail myself a bit if he gets under my skin.  So one of the ways I've been keeping focused, apart from the stuff I've already shared, is by making sure that all possible ties are totally severed.  I'm disappointed that what I thought was the final thing in the next of kin removal turned out to not be the end.  Had such high hopes.  Perhaps now that the police are clear he won't come here they won't be here looking again.  I can but hope.  Because the pure trauma of it all has come flooding back.  The anguish, fear, worry, anxiousness and tension I felt that was all consuming at times like tonight when I was the one having to make the call or go out and join the search.  How many times I had to try to get him back to the hospital, or talk him around from going any further with the attempt.  The sharps all being safely locked away and the checks I had to do to ensure nothing poisonous was left lying around.  Just sickening.  I feel for whomever it is that is now going through what I was - I expect the new rescuer.  Poor woman.  She doesn't know it never stops and only gets worse.  Do hope she is getting some support from somewhere.

Being present with my feelings is one of the ways I use a lot to help me in detaching.  Practising mindfulness I find so helpful.  Another thing I do sometimes is when I get a really strong thought or feeling that won't let go, I get online and find quotes on it until I see things that really pin it down and resonate with me.  I download these and keep them with me to look back over and it helps me to feel empowered.  Just seems to help me to pass through the emotion and turn the most negative and painful feeling into a positive somehow.  Also helps me to remember that I'm not the first or last to feel this way and others have worked through it and survived. 

After reading your reply I'm going to do exactly as you suggest and get straight to some self soothing by doing a compassionate acceptance meditation on the feelings this has stirred up in me and get myself to a place where I can rest peacefully tonight knowing it's ok to feel messed up by him again.  In the end I feel grateful that it's only a drop in the ocean compared to what I dealt with and am glad I've escaped a full drowning!  Failing that, your document outpour sounds really cathartic so it's definitely one for the toolbag.

Thanks again roberto.  I'm glad you feel I've helped in some way and trust me, you've absolutely reciprocated.  Much appreciated.

Love and light x

[RomanticFool]

That is a ton of sh*t that you absolutely don't need. The chaos of that r/s must make you so glad you are out of it. You must be a very strong person to survive that trauma.

Hope you get a good night's sleep.

[Emotions]

I got a call at work from my ex saying she's going to kill herself, she got caught shoplifting at a mall and they caught her. Security didnt call the police but kicked her out and said she couldn't come back to the mall... .so she said she was somewhere on the top parking lot ready to leap... .I grabbed the P.E. teacher at my school and zoom off we went to look for her... .we eventually found her laying down on a railing extremely sad. She managed to go into her car. The police came and grabbed her out of the car and slammed her on the ground and took her to the hospital. While she was heavily medicated I hugged her while she slept for hours until they made me leave at 1am in those little hospital beds. We are both kind of slim. I have many more stories like this, but this one came to mind, thought I would share. Good luck with your thoughts HQ. more trauma bonds for us please? As if we haven't had enough.

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks RF and Emotions,

I started yesterday with a panic attack which I guess means I was still holding onto a lot of feelings during the night.  Once that was settled I went about my day and concentrated on playing with my 3 year old.  We have tons of fun together and he brings so much joy into my life that I see it as a kindness to myself to meet him at his level and just let loose completely.  People always smile and laugh when they see us out together    So the day improved up until I literally walked RIGHT PAST the ex, without seeing him as I was busy giggling with my gorgeous boy.  He saw me though, and shouted my name with a greeting.  I froze.  Turned back and lost the ability to speak!  So turned away and continued walking.  For complex reasons I may or may not have shared at some point I felt safe because I knew he wouldn't try any further attempts to engage whilst I had my son with me.  They're not allowed to be in contact.  But it did mean that he reinforced his presence in my head.  I know I'd allowed him to rent space there for far too long and felt I'd finally gotten close to evicting him altogether. 

Can't help but feel like he is playing games with me.  The impact yesterday carried on into the night and again in my waking thoughts today.  He knew I'd be in that area yesterday because of a Tuesday routine I have with my little guy and I'm also wondering if he somehow orchestrated the disturbance from the police the night before.  There had been the text a couple of weeks ago where he pointed out the ongoing overdoses... .  Something about the fact the police arrived here is making me feel uneasy.  Seems unlikely they would do so without good reason and surely they would know he's had other addresses and have a log of the call from me about removing myself as next of kin and the reasons?  Could he actually be toying with me emotionally?  Or am I now being paranoid and have a bad case of fleas.  During the relationship I found myself thinking 'Geez I'm even thinking like him now!'... .

Perhaps it's all coincidence and the dramas are all for the benefit of the new woman and I've just been unlucky in that I've got caught up in the crossfire. Expect this is just one of those setbacks I have to move through to get to the other side.  I know it's never going to be all plain sailing and I have a long way yet to go.  All I can say is thank goodness this wasn't happening earlier in the NC or I'd probably have cracked and sent something angry by now... .

Hope you're both staying strong today.

Love and light x