Hi inter and
-Even though she is able to spin things in her favor in her own head, does she conciously/subconciously realize/ understand what she has actually done?
When people with BPD (pwBPD) experience distorted feelings and memories, they don't just put a "spin" on their memories like trying to see things through a rosy or black lens. They may literally re-imagine what happened in a manner that accommodates their distorted feelings.
This behavior makes it very difficult if not impossible for pwBPD to learn from their experiences. And for them, they feel like they keep running into the same problem: they keep find bad partners and they are always the victim (more or less).
And as I understand it, when they find a new primary attachment, how they perceive their old attachments is muted or disconnected. They might accept that they did something hurtful but have no incentive to right any wrong... .unless their motivation is to recycle the relationship.
Then again, it is also possible that one day they might recover. And perhaps then they might choose to make amends? Until then, don't hold your breath.
-Does she know how **ed up it was but just thinks it's in her best interest so she had to do what she had to do? or does she really not see it?
My guess is that she abandoned/betrayed you in some way. And sadly, unrecovered, I don't think she will ever look into why she did what she did. From her perspective, you were the one who always threatened to abandon/betray her (even though you didn't). It was her distorted/disordered emotions that were affecting her. And she acted on these disordered emotions.
- does she realize how much she has hurt me and just won't allow her self to admit it? does this haunt her? does it pain her to know how cruel she was?
The pain that you feel... . The haunting that you feel having been hurt... . This is the pain and loss that pwBPD can't get away from. Except that it is the pain that they experienced from way back. These are the distorted/disorder emotions that they experience. Not at the beginning of their relationships, but as their relationships start to develop and become deeper. Then they become more and more obsessed on how much they are hurting (or will hurt) and they become convinced that we are the ones who are hurting them.
When you are in such pain, you don't really have much more space in your head to consider how others might be in pain.
And I know you probably didn't do anything to inflict upon her this kind of pain. But it is to this pain that she reacted, when she did what she did to you.
- In my experience sometimes even when I know I am wrong I can be stubborn. Is she conscious of the destruction she caused thus feels shame and guilt but hides behind a new relationship and suppresses her feelings? Or does she truly not understand and actually is does not comprehend reality?
As far as I'm concerned, *all* the relationships pwBPD enter into is in an effort to suppress their feelings. This is why at the beginning they are so thankful that we are the one person who promises never to hurt them, never to abandon them. But then later on, their disorder causes them to believe that we will certainly hurt them and abandon them.
If this is consistently their experience with new relationships, is there any space for "reality" in their close relationships?
- I know she was devastated about her previous relationship but that was her HUSBAND and he left her! Does she feel pain for the loss even after she left me? even after finding someone new to love?
You don't know that her husband actually left her. But you know that she *believes* her husband left her (or had meant to leave her). I'm arguing that it is possible that *she left him* because she believed that he was going to leave her.
Did she feel much pain after she left her husband? You were there. I'd expect her to have as much difficulty having left you, as she did after she left her husband.
- Even though I am painted black, is she able to have positive memories of the good times? is she able to miss me? is she capable of being triggered from reminders, vacations, pictures, locations? Or is she ACTUALLY so consumed in her new r/s that it doesn't even cross her mind as she has the ability to suppress and forget?
She might miss you. I imagine she will definitely start missing you when her distorted/disorder emotions start affecting her relationships with her current attachment. I think that if she needs to you be the "bad guy" in her emotional narrative, then she will continue to paint you black. And if her emotional needs change in a way that paints you otherwise, such as upon consideration for a recycle, then she might.
Then again, she might not.
- She was very smart and lucid. I know she was able to miss and long for someone she used to love. What I am basically trying to understand is if her BPD literally alters her understanding and perception, or if it gives her the ability to suppress past memories and feelings without ever getting rid of them. Does is linger? does it haunt her?
I believe it all gets compartmentalized and gets placed among many, many compartments.
I think when it comes to thoughts/memories that linger and haunt, you might be better served by considering if you are experiencing any such.
Best wishes,
Schwing
